Special Sunday Humiliation Edition

Ned–and right there’s my problem: Ned.

Ned has been out of town a lot lately, with work and family things. “I thought of asking if Nancy could stay with you, but I realize you’re at cat capacity,” he said, and why he thinks 11 cats counts as “capacity” is beyond me.

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der plenteee of room
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joyn uz, nancee
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not even full kitteee yet
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kittee just live in hurr

Vagabond Ned was going to grace his own town with his presence for a one-night-only special appearance Friday, and he wondered if I’d like to have dinner.

“Can we go to the Thai place?” I asked, because ket-no. Keto schmeto. If I see one more piece of food that doesn’t have carbs in it, I’m gonna drive myself to the nearest wheat field and just commence chewing.

Ned agreed, which means he must have been desperate because he hates the Thai place, as apparently they don’t serve good beer. This is a thing I’d never notice, but I’m not old Hoppy Ned. Old barley boyfriend, fmr.

So off we went, and I am delighted to tell you that Ned got pinot noir and I ordered the Kung Pao chicken, which isn’t even Taiwanese (heeeee) but Chinese, and HOOOO CARE because the point is it comes with rice.

Rice!

Oh, rice.

Delightful rice.

I was Condoleezza Rice, is who I was. I was Carbra Streisand. I had it all over me, like I was a toddler. I was mashing it on my hands, it was in my hair. I felt magnificent. Reuniting with rice. That’s nice.

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Any time anything is “America’s No. 1,” you know you’re in trouble. You know it’s right up there with white sneakers and new country music.

While I was carb loading, I managed to bring up the royal wedding, with which I am obsessed. “It’s only a week away!” I said, wondering if the Thai place also had a bread basket and maybe an oatmeal cart or tortilla tray.

Ned has always insisted that Kate Middleton is the most beautiful woman in the world, but that is where his interest in the royals begins and ends.

“What I want to see is the Kate Middleton sex tape. When’s THAT thing gonna come out?” he asked, over his plate of Thai vegetables and a side salad of vegetables. “Could I get one grain of whole-wheat brown rice?” he’d requested.

“I imagine, Ned, that there are all kinds of Kate Middleton lookalike pornographic films available,” I said from under my I Heart Rice sash I’d fashioned from the pages of my now-useless keto book. “I mean, surely you’ve looked for them.”

Ned put down his forkful of kale.

“I’m disappointed in myself that I’ve never thought to look for that,” he said.

I got out my phone. In general, I don’t look at pornography, because I figure that’s a job for the men of America, but in keeping with my general fascination with the absurd, I do occasionally look up ridiculous themes like Star Wars and My Little Pony porn. Am I the only person here who knows you can find anything–ANYTHING–made dirty by some poor soul? And again, I am looking at you, Broken Men of America.

For example, sometimes I look up the search terms people use to find this blog. Behold the last one:

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I feel like the fact that that’s even a thing is the work of men. I do.

Anyway, naturally, I got out my phone right there at the restaurant and Googled “Kate Middleton porn.” And lo and behold, the world and Photoshop and MEN had already addressed the world’s deep need to see Kate Middleton in the altogether.

“Here’s one!” I said brightly, showing Kate’s lovely face surrounded by man bits that had quite recently…lightened their loads, as it were.

“Oh my god–PUT THAT AWAY!” commanded Ned, who can be quite the fussy hen sometimes.

Do you think I put it away? Do you? When I was already on a rice high and thrilled to appall Ned?

There was Kate Middleton, pantsless, leaning on a desk. “In a million years, she’d never wear shoes like that,” I announced, thinking of her vast collection of tasteful nude pumps.

Also captured on film was Kate’s apparent visit to the United Nations, so diverse were the men she was…offering felicitations. Also, for as well-dressed as she normally is, you’d think she’d remember to at least wear, you know, something when greeting these fine gentleman, but she often limited herself to a few lacy bits of lingerie.

I held up for Ned images of Kate Middleton greeting dignitaries at her back door.

Kate Middleton the…orator.

And who knew Kate was such a fan of the ladies in waiting?

“Put that phone away this instant,” commanded Ned, his salad growing cold.

After dinner, we both had to go to Rite Aid for various reasons, and it become one of those Rite Aid visits where you begin browsing, and Ned found himself enamored of a hand-shaped retractable flyswatter, which he kept rapping me with from various distances.

There was also a retractable duster, which the more I think about it, the more likely I am to return and purchase. It’s actually a brilliant invention.

“Attention Rite Aid shoppers,” said the ceiling. “The store will close in three minutes.”

“Oh my god! We’ve shut down Rite Aid!” I said, thrilled. I can’t recall the last time I got a last call announcement. Ned and I high-fived our flyswatters.

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here at Rite Aid,” Ned said.

After all that excitement, I barely got up in time to greet the cable guy, who came over Saturday to give me TV. “I haven’t had TV in years,” I told him, “but I’m getting it to watch the royal wedding next Saturday.”

Being a straight man with a blue-collar job, you can imagine the intensity of his interest in the royal wedding. This didn’t stop me from telling him all about my fascination with the royals, and how early I got up at age 15 to watch Diana’s wedding, and how I stayed up for her funeral, as well.

“You’re also getting faster internet as part of the package,” the indifferent cable guy told me. “In fact, why don’t you see if your internet is back up. It should be available now.”

And that is when I got my phone and clicked on Safari, the cable guy looking over my shoulder…

…where a photo of Kate Middleton, her wedding dress hiked up, enjoying adult moments with William and an enormous man of color, flashed on my phone.

Yeah.

 

 

 

36 thoughts on “Special Sunday Humiliation Edition

  1. I am trying not to laugh so loud I wake my family but I’m not succeeding! This is one of my favorite June stories ever!

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  2. Imma guess it’s far from the weirdest thing the cable guy has ever seen. We had a guy over once and we were apologizing about some weirdness that was going on at our house (per usual) and he said “oh, that’s NOTHING” and proceeded to tell us about all the customers they have who are marked with an * because they know when they show up they will be greeted by the lady of the house wearing little or nothing. Seems they get their thrills calling the cable guy over and trying to get their own porn thing going. People are weird, I tell you.

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  3. Totally Karma. Not the showing of the pictures to Ned, but eating carbs! June, June June, I know the feeling. I used to dream about croutons. Croutons! (OK I still dream about them sometime) But it works if you stick to it. I have a cheat day once a month (last one was Easter that made me so sick that i threw up the next day but I digress) Come back to the keto bandwagon. (Down 30 pounds so far…)

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  4. I knew I was getting to the end of the post and thought you had mis-titled it…and right then I knew.

    This post did not disappoint! Maybe the cable guy will now develop an interest in the royals!!!

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  5. LOL Who could not split… that was the best ending… Except – would’ve liked to see the cable guy’s face! ha ha

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  6. Hahahaha!!!! I am now dead. Along with all your other readers. That was a #1 post with 5 gold stars. You should really love yourself after this gem.

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  7. OH MY GOD! This JUST happened to me! I was on a cruise with my in-laws and the night before, I had been explaining some sexual position to my sisters- and cousins-in-law (I’m a real class act) and had pulled up Pornhub on my phone to further demonstrate my point. The next day, my fussy, religious, uptight father in law was complaining about something to Guest Services, and needed the internet to check whether his credit card was charged for some item or another. Trying to be helpful, I hastily handed mine over and he pulled up the browser and there was an extremely explicit woman with … her mouth full.

    My mother-in-law and husband saw it too. So did Guest Services dude. I WANTED TO JUMP OFF THE SHIP. My FIL stammered, “Oh, I’ve never seen THAT site before!” as I grabbed the phone back to make it go away. My husband thought it was HILARIOUS.

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  8. Wonderful post from beginning to end. I was dying over all the carb descriptions. You and Ned do make a good comedy team. You will be a story of that cable guy’s for years to come. I do know how very filthy the world and the net can be. I am old and boring and terrified of viruses so I don’t peruse it. Thanks for all of the descriptions. Living vicariously through others again! Thanks, lovely, funny Joon.

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  9. Just in case you’re unaware, and I highly doubt that, but garyjanetti on Instagram is the funniest Royals account. Do you follow him?

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