Andy Voltaire

IMG_3814.JPGGoogle Photos likes to show me what I’ve been up to in other years. Three years ago today, mom came to visit me in my Year Abroad house. Tallulah was happy to see her gramma.

Oh, Talu.

IMG_8553.jpgSomeone mentioned in the comments the other day that they wondered if my more curls/less Voltaire hair was a result of doing Curly Girl, and yes.

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I’m Mike Voltaire. I got June hair. [Disclaimer: I have no idea what Voltaire’s first name is.]
Chuck Voltaire liked him some layers.

I have been reticent to do a How To Do Curly Girl tutorial because I didn’t want to steal from the person who actually WROTE the book The Curly Girl Method

(here’s a link to it on Amazon) who is trying to sell a book and so on.

But everyone and their curlies has put online how to do this method, so if you want me to, I will, too. It varies by person, which products work and which methods, but for me almost all of the stuff they tell me to do in the book works.

I just won’t plop. I refuse to plop. If you want me to do a tutorial you will learn what plopping is and why plopping can suck it.

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Not that every day is a perfect hair day for me, but this above was second-day hair, meaning I didn’t co-wash it and start all over again with products. But it was also a rainy day, and trust me, my hair could look a lot worse than this. It’s like my cleaning lady Alicia’s best comment to me: There are a lot of people who look a lot worse than you.

Also, hey, June, why don’t you try to turn your camera OFF sometimes rather than take 29 accidental selfies a day.

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Day THREE hair, which, really, I was pushing it at that point. Also, rain. Can you tell it rained? Why is my head a weather vane?

Anyway, please let me know in the comments or through telepathy if you’d like that. A tutorial. I mean.

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Selfie I DID mean to take. My little eyeless kitty girl. I love her so.

Anyway, I’m tryina think of what’s new, over here. I’ve been busy at work, but the good kind of busy, where there’s a lot to do but you aren’t OH MY GOD WHO CAN DO ALL THIS. There’s a new-ish but not Jewish copy editor who sits behind me now, and maybe if you asked her she’d say I sit behind her.

The point is, we’ve become a little bit of a team. We work on a whole bunch of accounts–which differs from how I used to work. I used to be dedicated to just one client. Now I’m spreading my talents all over town, like my college roommate.

So, they pretty much assign everything to both of us, and we dive on it like jackals. Or, alternatively, we both shy away from it like my kittens are doing with the dry, less-expensive kitten food. Oh my god they won’t eat that damn Kitten Chow. I leave it there overnight and when I get up, most of it’s gone, but they don’t mean it. It’s just to tide those motherfuckers over till the eleventy cans arrive.

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ware fud?

Does anyone else follow Love and Hisses? Did you ever notice her kitten room is pristine? Believe it or not, that floor is swept and I Shark it often, but that floor looks a mess.

When the kittens DO go back to the shelter, I AM GETTING THAT FLOOR REDONE. I’ve got a little freelance work to do this month, and that’s where my big dollahs are going. Toward a real floor. How long have you known me to hate that floor? Six centuries?

Does anyone remember in 2014, when our president didn’t tweet and I was preparing to rent my home out for my Year Abroad? I scraped and prepared and painted that floor with alleged paint that was JUST for concrete, then I sealed it and died of exhaustion?

Does anyone remember that?

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July, 2014. DON’T DO IT, JUNE! DON’T MOVE! Stay and enjoy your floor!

Yeah. That lasted. The floor lasted as long as my relationship.

I want old-looking linoleum, which I may have mentioned, but even if I haven’t I can’t imagine you’d be shocked at this info. June likes old stuff? June likes it vintage? She always struck me as sleek and minimal.

Alf my ridiculous handyman says I’m not allowed to measure or purchase tiles without his participation, and I am down with that plan. Because maths. “Alf, the room is 38484 by 31. I need one tile.”

I guess that pretty much sums it up, although technically I’ve told you nothing.

I had a guest over last night, to try to socialize the shy kittens, but they’re really effing shy. Do you recall a month or so ago when I was offered a job by the company I freelance for? I’ve gotten friendly with the person who offered me the job, and she stopped by last night to drop off m’freelance (under/over on how long June stares at her freelance work and doesn’t start till she’s panicked?) and meet the kittens.

She’s allergic to kittens, incidentally. And even though Ben and MaryEllen and Donald Trump barely let her touch them before dashing off hysterically to hide under the chair (I have no patience for shy anything), she still broke out in welts.

“I knew I would. But I don’t care! KITTENS!” she said. For she is my people. There really is something incredibly rewarding about touching their little walnut heads. Even when their walnut heads are shy and you have to drag them out from under a bus to pet them.

Other than that, I finally got a pedicure…

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June comes to the realization that she painted her toes the same damn color blue she chooses for everything. June’s next BF will be from The Blue Man Group. She will never see him perform.

…and tonight I was gonna go to the cat cafe, because I don’t see enough cats, and then maybe the hookah bar with Wedding Alex, where I planned to ask her, “Whooooo are youuuuu?” but now she has to work, so I will come home and look at my freelance and put it off till I’m panicked.

And that’s the way it is, Wednesday, May something, 2018.

Love,
June Voltaire

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

46 thoughts on “Andy Voltaire”

  1. Maybe Love & Hisses photoshops her floor. I can’t imagine any kitten room with a nice floor. Nice pedicure, even though I don’t love the color, your feet look great!

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  2. Who notices the floor when there are kittens?!? More intriguing is the green dangly thing with furry little legs. Squeee! Kittens with toys! Don’t do the Curly Girl tutorial. I’ve always admired the heck out of your internet ethics with your “this is HER thang, go buy her book” stance. Lovely post. Lovely hurr.

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    1. Me too. Admire your internet ethics in not doing curly girl here, so she can make some money with her book.
      Glad to know telepathy works with you.
      Glad you have big bucks work coming in so you can get your “old” on, so to speak, your vintageness and that Alf is handling the numbers.
      If you get a floor with a lot of colors you won’t have to worry about seeing the bits and pieces.

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  3. I am so envious that you can have hair for THREE DAYS without having to do it all over again. I have neither curly, nor straight, nor even wavy all over hair so I have to wash and style it every.damn.day. hashtagjealous

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  4. Checked out Love and Hisses but I like you better. I’ve never had curly hair except for some bad perms in high school, but all your hair days look good to me. I guess it’s one of those things you can criticize better if it’s yours. Ha.

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  5. i do follow her. she has all that stuff! and a permanent place to host. i want to foster but i don’t have an extra spare room.

    good Seuss.

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  6. I’m glad to hear you have extra work to buy your new floor. That is exciting. I hope you do find your retro tiles.

    My work has been crushing. I have started ‘feeling’ out the process to file a harassment claim. Wondering if anyone else has experience with this situation.

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    1. Anon, document, document, document. Keep a journal with times, dates, places and details. Store the journal at home as not to risk someone finding it in your things at work. Have you talked with HR?

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  7. Between Blue Man Group and that’s the way it is, Wednesday, May something, 2018, I’m dead. Add in kittens, Eyeless, Edsel, Lu, Mother and your pretty hair and you’ve made my day.

    Ol’ Victor Voltaire’s hair would speak volumes with all the rainy weather we’re having today.

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  8. Who has time for Love and Hisses when there’s JOOON??!??! Come for the kittens, stay for the humor.

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  9. When I saw the first picture, I thought it was you with Talu and I was thinking that you were wearing my blouse and I wanted it back. The feet should have given it away.

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    1. That L&H lady is a SAINT, just for the amount of cat poop scooping ALONE. I only have two cats and I curse them roundly over every turd.

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      1. We went away for one day last week – a total of 30 hours – and the amount I had to scoop out of the litter boxes was astounding.

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  10. “Chuck Voltaire liked him some layers” is not a phrase I ever expected to read, here or anywhere.

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  11. Lu! Oh Lu.

    Your floor. VCT in speckle. It comes in all colors of speckle but my favorite is peach. VCT is usually used for commercial use so it wears really well, goes down easy and cleans even easier.

    I tried to plop but it turned out more like ploop. Yes to tutorial.

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  12. I live the Curly Girl method every single day. I’ve been doing it for over a year now and I still keep learning stuff and experimenting with different products and techniques because apparently I like to torture myself by spending tons of money on products that don’t work. But I’d still be interested in seeing your tutorial if you decide to do it. I’ve figured out that a good curly cut is WAY more important than I ever realized. And for everyone who thinks curly hair is easy and you just wash it and walk out the door and that’s it….ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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  13. We just had our floors replaced, and the family room, where we’d painted the concrete in an attempt to make it look nice when we had too many peeing pets? They had to sand the paint off before laying down tile. Apparently the only thing you can put over paint is carpet – well, this is according to my contractor. With everything else, the adhesive will loosen thanks to the paint and the new floor (tile, vinyl, wood) will come up. Just a head’s up – it’s a dusty process, but worth it to get a nice new floor.

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  14. As a fellow Curly Girl-er, whose hair looks like shit on Days 2 and 3, I’m always interested to see how other CGers, such as Our Own June Gardens, deal with their hair on Days 2 and 3. Because June’s hair looks great while mine is a mass of wires going every which way.

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  15. May something, 2018. That sums up my life currently. Too busy to know or care what day/date it is.
    I have those same stripey yoga pants. Heart.
    I’m cracking up at that the L&H lady named her cats Olympic ice skater names!

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  16. I would definitely be interested in a tutorial or at least some tips. Your day three Hair still looks pretty amazing to me. I sometimes get great curls and sometimes not but my only method is air dry, which takes literally three hours, so it’s not a style I choose if I have to go to work in the morning. I’ve seen you use the Laila hair dryer, but I’m especially interested in what you do day two (wet it again and dry it again? Or???).

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  17. Wow – I am a very straight hair person. The best comparison is cat hair with that much body and bounce. And I am not talking about lovely Iris hair. More like SD hair. I never understood the burden of curly girl hair with all the trials. I have much better respect for all the curly girl hair issues. I will take my soft, shedding flat hair and move on down the road.

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