The foreign-bean section

I just now got up and fed the regularly scheduled animals, and man, that was easy.

PLOOP. Throw Edsel’s food in a dish. I’ve moved his bowls and food tin back to the kitchen.

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Thrill to the sight of the bowls in their rightful place.

I’d had them in this room, my computer room, at the back of the house,

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Chalk outline of old bowl locale.

so his crunching wouldn’t scare the mom cat inches away in the room off the kitchen.

Say “room” one more time, June.

Anyway.

Krrrrplap. Iris and Lily’s food, served in the window of the kitchen.

FLAARP. Steely Dan’s canned food, atop the refridge.

Aaaaand, scene. I mean, that all took less than a minute. Everything was in one…room. I changed their water, too. Seriously. Under a minute.

Dang.

But here is where I will not say my favorite thing when someone is telling a story, and the thing I will not say is, “Let me back up.”

Friday
After work, there was a happy hour, but I opted for a June hour instead. Like all my hours aren’t June hours.

I headed to the grocers, the greengrocers, Hulk Teeter’s, because I’d decided to have baked beans on toast during my wedding Saturday morning. When I lived in London the summer of 1990, every morning in the dorm one of the choices was baked beans on toast, and I always had it after my run through the park, and it was delicious.

I had a friend from London, when I lived in LA, and she was pretty much the Forrest Gump of our time. I mean, you name a cultural event in my generation, she was there, somehow. She’s had this charmed life. Anyway, SHE told me the reason it’s delicious is the type of baked bean they have in England.

IMG_8732I went over to the foreign bean section at my grocer’s Friday evening, and do you know every motherfucker in this town bought all the good beans, leaving just this dented can of botulism that I did not buy?

IMG_8733.jpgI also went to Target and got new watching-the-royals pajamas, as the royal family is famous for getting pajamas at Target. Meghan’s wedding dress was totally from Target.

Saturday
I’d gone to bed early Friday, in order to be fresh for my wedding. I’d set the alarm, but oh my god I BOUNDED out of bed before it, got m’Diana QVC engagement ring on

and screamed over to the telly. I’m British now, as I have married Prince Harry, so I can say “telly.” I can also say “Savalas.”

Y’all.

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wat da fek wrong wif mom.

Oh, I squealed, I cried, I clapped, I cried more, I screeched, I carried on. THAT WEDDING!!!!

I loved her tiara, and her lace on her veil. I thought her dress was perfect, and why people want it to be a skin-tight David’s bridal mermaid gown is beyond me. I loved everything, even Camilla’s hat.

I wanted to pinch the queen’s cheeks, which I’m certain would have gone over big.

And Meghan’s mom! She is magnificent. She was lit from within.

And okay. That preacher was a little much. But he meant well, and it makes me want to be Episcopalian.

I was a wreck by the end of that thing. I’d cried, I’d clapped, I’d changed religions.

I texted with my friends Lilly and Sandy throughout, and both L and S were annoyed that Meghan had hair out of place. “I realize it’s her thing, but still,” texted Sandy, who has always joined me in judgyness.

“It’s bothering me, too,” said Lilly, who likes Camilla, by the way, because “one day I’ll be an old horsey woman just like her, you know.”

I hate to say it, but I have softened re Camilla as well. They had unfortunate circumstances, but they were in love, Camilla and Charles were. Is it Camila or Camilla? I don’t have time to look it up.

Anyway, I pointed out to Lilly and Sandy that there we were, judging Meghan’s one hair out of place, when we were all three sitting around looking like hell in our pajamas.

IMG_8803.jpgAnyway, the whole thing was quite taxing on me, but totally worth it.

IMG_8809.jpgI had to stop off for a restorative cream soda after, she says keto-ly, at my favorite sandwich shop, which happened to be next to my Botox place, where I had a 10 a.m. appointment. Normally on a Saturday that hour would kill me, but hell, I’d had a whole day and every emotion and a religious conversion by then.

Fortunately for all of us, my Botoxer is my age. She had been almost late for work, so involved was she in our wedding.

“Yes, they were in love, but he’d made marriage vows,” said my Botoxer, as she came at me with with a needle. She herself is a victim of infidelity, but has meet a lovely new man, who she’s marrying in July.

My Botoxer and I throw down when we’re together.

“You really don’t ever want to get married again?” she asked me, as she jabbed the botox I rejected in my beans into my forehead.

“I really don’t. I did for a long time, when I was desperately in love, but now I enjoy my alone time. I mean, look at me this morning! I didn’t have to take any shit from anyone about my wedding.”

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…!

IMG_8820.jpgAfter my Botox, I had a 1 p.m. appointment to take my kittens and their mom to the shelter for shots. While they came to me in a shelter-appointed carrier (see above), I had to return them in two, because they’d gotten too big for eight cats in one carrier.

I’d been weighing them all along, and I knew all the orange boys were close to two pounds (that’s how much they have to weigh to be spayed or neutered) but all the girls were a pound and a half. Runty was a little less than a pound and a half. So what I figured was they’d return my carrier with three tortoiseshell kittens in it.

They came back with an empty carrier.

I lifted the thing to be sure.

“All of them?”

“Yes, ma’am. They all made weight.”

Dammit. I need to get something better than that old kitchen scale.

So, this week LaUral will get her little tortoiseshell and another faithful reader will get the mom. The good news is, when I first got to the shelter, I had two carriers with me, and there were two chairs available in the whole room.

One woman was sitting down filling out an adoption form, and her

JERK

of a daughter, who was young, like, maybe 15, maybe 20, they all look the same to me now, looked up, squealed over my

TWO CARRIERS

of kittens, and kept sitting her stupid young arse down in that chair. I wanted to bludgeon her with a cat carrier. So will I stood there holding eight cats so that

JERK

could sit next to her mom for no good reason, other people approached to look in my carriers. One young couple got quite enamored of my kittens, and as I was leaving they were filling out a form, too.

“Oh, are you really going to take one?” I asked, running down for them each personality trait of each kitten even though they hadn’t asked.

“We’re thinking of taking as many as three of them, ma’am,” they said.

Oh my god! Three!

“Take two orange boys, then, for sure.” I told him. “They all play together and would love to stay with each other.”

And then I returned to my empty house, with barely any pets in it.

I gotta go. I didn’t do much Sunday except grocery shop and drive out to the country for strawberries, which is my new favorite thing to do.

IMG_8826.jpgWhere, by the way, I saw this. Apparently there are water buffalo now in North Carolina. Or just hot cows. She’s the Pamela Anderson of cows.

I’d like you to take a moment to drink in my current references.

After I bought healthy strawberries, I also drove further out in the country and got some restorative ice cream, she continues keto-ly. There’s a dairy here where they make the ice cream on site, and I am pleased to tell you they have a very friendly guinea hen there named George who I am mos def in love with. (See above re current.)

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wat.

Okay, now I’ve talked forever and I really have to go.

Royally,
June, dutchess of keto

 

 

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

37 thoughts on “The foreign-bean section”

  1. I was up at 4 am to watch the wedding. It was lovely. Yes, the minister was a bit much and I kept expecting him to set his gown on fire near those candles as he was flailing his arms. Great sermon is you are in America, but a bit much for the Church of England!

    I did have a lot of emotions! When Harry told her how great she looked and how lucky he was, it got me in the feels! I’m pretty sure I won’t have that again and usually I’m ok with it.

    Those kittens will all have homes before the week is out! I can tell!

    Like

  2. Charlie & Cam looked after Meghan’s mum for most of the day, which is awesome. I didn’t watch the wedding because, well, quiet shops. Google took notes for me. And Meghan’s paternal family had made me lose interest with all of their ‘Meghan is evil! But can we still come to your wedding?’ & possibly faked heart attack. Bunch of fecking weirdos.

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  3. I too was a bit distressed about the hair. I mean, I hardly look presentable even on a good day, but I don’t have a whole team of people pulling me together. Some of them would have to be surgeons, but still – I would look good. I did like the dress – I just thought the fabric looked a bit heavy, like maybe it would be rather hot. Her reception gown – spot on.

    So happy you launched another successful batch of kittens! They had a lucky start!

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  4. That wedding was beautiful. I was also a fan of Camilla’s feather hat. I could not get over that tiara. Looked up the history of it and the center flower of diamonds is a brooch from 1893 or so, and it was incorporated into a tiara in 1932. And her reception dress and the two of them in that sportscar. What a life!

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    1. Harry reminded me of James Bond as he walked towards the sports car with a pretty girl on his arm.

      It was a beautiful wedding in a fairy-tale setting and even the weather was gorgeous. The empty seat for Diana was poignant as were the forget-me-nots in Meghan’s bouquet. I did wonder if the Queen appreciated all the talk of fire in the sermon considering they were in Windsor Castle after all.

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  5. I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING! Loved Meghan’s mom. Interesting that Meghan invited all of her work friends and no family. I can see my daughter doing the same thing, and now she can cite the DUCHESS OF SUSSEX. And why haven’t I seen any tasteless puns yet for their new titles? Disappointed. How adorable are George and Charlotte? And how gracious of Kate to wear something she’s worn at least twice before so as not to draw any attention away from Meghan.

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  6. I read that Meg’s hairdresser said it was supposed to fall apart like that. Good gravy. Other than that, just lovely, all of it. Hank saying he looked amazing and then biting his lip?!? Swoon! And they hit the late party like 007 and one of his wimmins. Swoon again! I was up at 3:45 PDT, AFTER Hunky got up, turned on the t.v., and told me my wedding was on before he climbed back into bed. No beans or toast ANYWHERE. So glad all your extra cats are probably already in their new homes.

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  7. Off wedding topic – where did you get your jewellery cabinet? I have been looking for something for ages and what I saw of yours would be perfect for me.

    Laurie in NB, Canada

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    1. Sadly, at a vintage store. I mean “sadly” because it’s not mass produced somewhere and you can’t snap one up. I love it.

      >

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      1. Someday, when you discover your jewellery cabinet has disappeared but, strangely, none of the actual jewellery has been stolen, I will have an ironclad alibi and Laurie’s comment will incriminate her.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. With all the wedding talk, I forgot to mention how sad that you had to give up ALL the kittens when you weren’t prepared to say goodbye, especially to Runty. So happy that LaUral and another FR are adopting one of the kittens and the mama. You and Edsel were terrific foster parents. Eds will miss the kittens, too.

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  9. The wedding was beautiful and a beautiful day in England. I saw a real human, rather than a fairy tale human, when Harry said to Charles, “Thank you, Pa” when he presented Meghan to Harry at the alter. THEN when Harry told Meghan she looked amazing. She really did. Her dress was absolutely beautiful, very classic and timeless.

    So glad the kittens and Cora are getting adopted so quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That “thank you pa” made me cry! It reminded me that though he might have been a terrible husband to Diana, he was a good father to those boys.

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  10. I am a lazy bum and didn’t get up to see it live. Turned on coverage at 9:00 or so and then they reran it at 10:00. (I have vague memories of watching Diana marry Charles.) The children were adorable. I, too, thought it was lovely of Kate to dress in a way that drew zero attention to herself. I’m so glad Harry and William have each other. I thought Meghan looked very elegant in her gown, tiara, and veil. Even though they knew the whole world was watching, I felt like they had a few special moments during the wedding that were just for them. When they were leaving to go to the reception, after changing clothes, I thought they looked like models. Very posh.

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  11. THAT WEDDING!! Swoon. Everything about it. I loved it all. And her dress was perfect. Classy, modern, elegant. I loved the simplicity. She was stunning. Radiant. The way she looked at him as he lifted her veil! The way he kept smiling at her. Oh I loved everything about this wedding. My husband even got up at 1:30 PST to watch it with me. I saved it on our TiVo so I can rewatch it. Also, 20/20 had a great recap special on that night and that’s saved as well. One day when I am sad I will rewatch them.

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  12. Enjoy your quiet time until the next batch of kittens, June.
    Congrats to LaUral and FR. Nice to know Runty and mom will still be part of the BoJ family. Hope we’ll see photos in the future.
    Oh what a day! I was up at 2am, enjoying my tea as the guests arrived.
    Meghan was stunning. Loved her beautiful smile and Harry’s happy nerves. She had her veil embroidered with the official flowers of the commonwealth countries, which was really touching for me as mine was represented.
    I also loved hearing about the special touches. Harry, picking flowers in the morning from the garden to add to her bouquet. I was verklempt.
    The empty chair for Diana was a nice rumour. Apparently it’s always empty to avoid blocking the Queen’s view.
    I had to work after but everyone was on a wedding high and chatting with my clients made the time fly.
    Although I’d rather have been with my friends in England, celebrating at the pub!

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    1. The veil also had the California Poppy, which I thought was a fantastic tribute to her American heritage. It was stunning.

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  13. I thought they did a bang-up job of inserting both English and American traditions and flair into the whole day. I loved the preacher – he was just what that stodgy old institution needed and it didn’t hurt anyone to listen to his beautiful dissertation on love, even if he did shake the candle sticks. I loved the choir and the cellist and all the little touches that made that wedding theirs. I’m sure Diana would have LOVED it all, rebel that she was.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. How could I forget the cellist?? The musical selections were all amazing.

      And yes, I thought the same thing about how Diana would have loved it.

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  14. I had to make do with fish and my London Pub malt vinegar that no one else in my house can stand.

    I have NO complaints at all about the wedding. To me, it was 100% perfect. I didn’t notice any hair out of place, plus I grew up in the Baptist church so to me, the sermon was rather tame.

    I’m so thrilled for both of them.

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  15. Changed religions, hilarious! I watched but not until later. I like sleep. Meghan was divine. I loved watching her with Harry in the carriage best.

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  16. Our minister said that Bishop Michael actually toned down his speaking style a bit for the British congregation. And that he was preaching a sermon for Pentecost as well as for the wedding. Pentecost Sunday and an audience of 3 billion, so why not do it all….

    Our deacon added that people have been known to play bingo (did someone say drinking game?) using certain phrases the Most Reverend Presiding Bishop/previous Bishop of North Carolina is known to use often. But he (no, not the deacon) is pretty great.

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  17. I was so excited to see which tiara she chose, and it was gorgeous. I looked up the history, and it took a bit to figure out which George, and which Mary, but what a neat history once it was all straight in my head. I thought the dress was perfect — simple and classic to go with that stunning headpiece.

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  18. What a great post, June! And what a fantastic wedding. I loved all of it. Even Fergie, she looked lovely. I’m a little sad now that it’s all over with.

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  19. I just loved how HAPPY they both looked.

    Enjoy your quiet house, June, until another batch of kittens comes in.

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  20. I woke up and turned on the TV right when the wedding party were arriving. Loved the dress, loved it. Simple elegance and Queen Mary’s Bandeau tiara was perfect. Anything smaller would have looked lost and anything more elaborate would have been a bit much, especially with that spectacular veil.

    Harry’s fidgeting and nervousness was cute, Meghan’s mother was a picture of loveliness although she looked so alone. I thought Prince Charles was wonderful in the way he not only walked Meghan down the aisle but was so kind and gentle with her mother.

    Bishop Michael was very enthusiastic and went on way too long. Even after he said he would shut up, he kept going and the Queen was looking a bit annoyed.

    Best Dressed guests for me was a toss-up between Lady Kitty Spencer and her stepmother, Countess Spencer.

    I hope all of the kitties get adopted right away and poor Edsel must be feeling like a mother bird who’s children have left the nest.

    I’m trying to imagine the taste of baked beans on toast and am failing miserably.

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  21. What a good foster mom you are, Juan. All your foster kids (and moms) get snatched up. So generous with your time and money. The shelter should create a sticker saying “Certified Kittens raised by June Gardens” like a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

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  22. I had a 2 Meghan wedding Saturday! My cousin was marrying a Meghan and I flew to Florida to attend. While out Friday night several woman and I hatched plan to gather in my hotel room in jammies and watch and my uncle even volunteered to fetch treats from Publix! Mimosas, bagels, etc.

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  23. Love the black cow in the green pond photo. When my kids were much younger, we would pass this one pond in a pasture on our way to and from pretty much anywhere. Sometimes there would be a black cow in it if it was a hot enough day. I’d yell in the car, “Black cow in a green pond!” and my poor children would look to see it, and now they have weird, fun personalities just like mine.

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  24. I arrived at the donut shop at 5:15 to procure classy provisions for the wedding.
    I loved it! The whole thing! I adored how googly-eyed they are for each other. Sweet glances are very romantic. Like Helen up there, I thought the presiding bishop gave a lovely homily and his message in a spicy style was good for some stuffy people to hear! I got so tickled at one of the pages (missing a tooth -hello first grade!) over Meghan’s shoulder as she entered. His face when he heard the trumpets was adorable!
    I love that the newlyweds didn’t go straight to a honeymoon. I mean, when NIGHT ONE is in a CASTLE, there’s really no need to go elsewhere. Have Mercy! [oohh – fanning self!]

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  25. I”m going to be the old stodge and say the white surprised me, I thought it would be more of an ivory, but the dress itself was perfect, and the veil was as princess-like as I could imagine.

    I wondered what Meghan’s mom was thinking when she sat there before it started – if a replay of Meghan’s whole life from baby to toddler to teen to this ran through her mind like a movie. Imagine your daughter marrying a prince, in the presence of the queen of England!

    I still hold Diana’s sadness against Charles, but his actions with his now in-law on Saturday, the way he walked Meghan down the aisle, it brought him up in my estimation.

    Also, Princess Charlotte. She is something!

    June, congrats on another successful batch of kittens out to live happy lives!

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  26. I tuned in to the wedding after the ceremony. I loved her dress, and the cellist, and Princess Charlotte! I loved all of the little things they did that broke tradition as well…They are such a beautiful couple!

    I am sad to see this batch of kittens go. They were so cute, and so… numerous! I am glad that a few of them are already slotted to go home with people. I hope that couple adopts all three from your batch!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  27. I loved all the special moments in the wedding, but especially when Prince Charles took Meghans Mother’s hand as they were standing at the door after the wedding. That was sweet.

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