ADD is--oooo, shiny! · Aging ungracefully · Am British · Food and Drink · In the kitchen with June · My pets

Oh, you know. Just cats, The Simpsons, and blender-licking.

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You’d think Lily would bite his face off. But needy. Both of ’em.

Some nights, Edsel is just too much. With the flumping dramatically off the bed whenever I move a corpuscle. Then floomping back on a minute later. With the pressing his head on my neck as hard as he can, for pets. At 4 a.m.

So some nights I kick him out. Last night was one of those nights.

But I let Lily stay, which I rarely do, and last night I was reminded why.

Good lord. This cat has some sort of disorder. Some sort of friendliness disorder. You don’t get a cat so it’ll be friendly. You get a cat so it can lie sleekly across the room and glare at you.

“Yes, I’d like to return this cat? Yes, I do have my receipt, hang on. …Well, she’s too friendly. Something’s broken. She needs her bitch meter turned up.”

She constantly–CONSTANTLY!!–pushes her head into your hand. You have no idea how hard a cat can push her head into you till you’ve dealt with this one.

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fek yew

Actual, unretouched photo of Lily right this minute, making an elusive trip to the food bowl.

Meanwhile, in the back of my ranch, Edsel was left to his own devices. When I got up this morning, I saw he’d taken my robe to the couch and slept with it. So now I have to walk through this life knowing Edsel sobbed into my robe all night.

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fuk yew mean it

I just noticed that Lily has moved on to Iris’s dish.

And while nothing is more interesting than hearing about someone’s pets, let’s move on to talk about someone’s work. Wooo! Lemme get more coffee, June.

Busy, is what it was. I literally got 11 hours’ worth of work done in 8 yesterday, and also my blog post was published, the one I was kvetching about doing yesterday. So that was active. After work, I got my hair done because I was shooting moonbeams out my head and not in the good way. What roots?

I should just give up and go gray. If I didn’t dye my hair and didn’t get Botox, I’d save approximately 12 million dollars a month. But I’d look like hell and hate myself. But, see, I already look like hell and hate myself, just underneath “blonde” hair. I should just officially give up and embrace my inner old lady. Which is getting more and more to be my outer old lady.

One day I will look back at photos from this time and think, “I was so young!” That’s depressing.

You know, from age 12 on, I was under the misguided impression that beauty was just around the corner. That I’d just have to get through this one awkward stage and there it would be: my peak of looks. Except that never happened and I spent my whole life looking eh. Eh, she’s all right.

And now I’m on the downward spiral of age and it isn’t going to get better. Although do you watch the Real Housewives? How can you read this blog and not watch the Real Housewives, is what I wanna know. Anyway, Kyle looks particularly good this season, and not fake, either. So if I become a millionaire, maybe then I’ll start an upward spiral.

Speaking of which, I won a dollar playing instant lottery this week. Do you recall, in your Big Book of June Events, that on January 1 I won $100? And I was all, “It’s gonna be MY YEAR!”?

Turns out, it was really everyone’s year and not just mine.

Still, I hadn’t bought a lottery ticket since and the other day I had a dollar so I went to town on the machine at the grocery store and boom. Dollar. Clearly I am on some kind of streak. When I return to the grocery store–

and here is the part where my mother is shocked that two days have gone by since I last went. “Make a list, honey.” But really, what else have I got to do?

Anyway, next time I go to the store I will buy another lottery ticket with my last one, and this is how they get you hooked. Next thing you know, I’m Marge Simpson at the casino.Simpsons_05_10.jpgRemember when she got hooked on the gambling? What do you mean, you didn’t catch that episode in 29 years of that being a show? Is The Simpsons still on?

To be fair, I’ve never once watched an episode of Gunsmoke, which is the second-longest-running show after The Simpsons. But to be fairer, I was a zygote when that show started, and also, who wants to watch a Western?

There is nothing that will make me change a channel quicker than a Western. My grandmother was forever watching Westerns like they were good. Oh, look. A cactus. And a bar. And someone shooting someone. Say, is that an Indian?

HOW IS THAT INTERESTING?

Plus also, anything having to do with the courts or justice or law or murder mysteries. I just don’t care. I read some Agatha Christie when I was a kid because my Aunt Kathy loved then, and what I liked about them was her Britishness. I wanted to hear how she made a spot of tea. I didn’t care who lay prone in the drawing room.

So what I’m saying is, I have also never watched those Law and Onions or whatever they’re called. And those Murder, SUV or whatever. Of course, now I have no TV, so I watch nothing except binges of the Real Housewives, which is good because it’s reality, everyone. I only watch what’s real.

But truth be told, and pull up a chair cause I’m ’bout to tell you a shameful secret. Truth be told, those housewives shows are getting old. It’s the same thing over and over. Someone gets offended and then 8 episodes are devoted to the one woman saying. “We need to talk about how offended I was” and then they offend each other anew, or a new person gets mad, and really in the grand scheme, hoooo care. I just like to see when they pop into the plastic surgeon for a spot of collagen or when they show us how much they spent when they go shopping together. Whoever thought to always show us the cash register at the end is a brilliant person.

Also, Philip Roth died. Did you hear? I’ll bet he was a real fan of the Real Housewives.

All right, I gotta go. I realize this was a pressing post, but oh! My smoothies come today!

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I don’t know how I got to be part of this demographic, but on Instagram I keep getting the same ad, where this hot young girl in her 20s lives in this million-dollar clearly NY apartment and she gets up every day and inexplicably rubs her lips in her bathroom mirror. “Every morning, I do what I gotta do,” she begins, and apparently that involves rubbing her lips. And she looks good doing it. I’d look like I had a nervous tic.

“Then I have one of my smoothies. It feels like I’m doing something naughty.”

See. That’s how hot 20-year-olds think. I’ll show you something naughty, you vanilla whippersnapper.

Anyway, then she gets this delicious-looking smoothie out her freezer, and she makes it in a fancy blender, and then

LICKS

HER

FANCY

BLENDER

and manages to look adorable doing it. Then she kisses her teensy shitty little dog and leaves.

June. Losing readers with shitty small dogs, since 2018. Just get a cat if you need such a purse-sized dog. See above about what a pleasure cats are.

The point is, I watched this ad until I became convinced that if I just got these smoothies, my life would be transfigured and I would be cute and hot and living in New York with a nervous dog the size of a button. Hashtag goals.

I hope that model isn’t real and that that’s not her real dog, cause then I would feel bad. I guess that shitty small dog is someone’s dog, right?

MY POINT is that I signed up to get these smoothies, and allegedly here is a referral link that means you get three free cups and I do, too. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you have to buy some, too. You’ll be stunned to hear I didn’t take time to read all about it.

I’ll report back to you on if they’re good. You can choose what kind of benefits you want and they adjust the ingredients accordingly. I chose beautifying, because I want to be 20 and a millionaire.

Delusionally,
Joon

57 thoughts on “Oh, you know. Just cats, The Simpsons, and blender-licking.

  1. When Gunsmoke was on TV was relatively new and there were only three stations (in Atlanta). So, Gunsmoke was one of the programs my Dad wanted to see, so we watched Gunsmoke. I must admit I’ve never seen any of those programs. We don’t watch a lot of TV and when we do it is mostly on the Create channel on PBS, but I have started watching The Big Bang Theory.

    Funny post.

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  2. I have never seen any Housewives TV nor have I watched The Simpsons. But, alas, I love it here, at this ol’blog. I like police shows. My husband and I watched CSI Miami just to see “H” take off his sunglasses every episode, and then put them on again. Or vice versa. We also loved Boston Legal. I still miss that show.

    I really don’t watch much TV anymore either. It’s weird, but true.

    Lilly is so gorgeous. And Edsel is SO adorable. I love the picture of them together.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. I loved Burke’s Law. I had a total crush on Gene Barry’s nose. I was really little though, so I thought the show was Burkeslaw. Like coleslaw. We also watched Bonanza and we pretended we were the sons (even though we were all girls) and our Pediatrician was Pa. And just seeing this, I realize what a pitiful childhood I had.

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  4. I ran into part of a Western TV series recently, Big Ol Bonanza Rawhide Valley or something, and noticed that the men rode around on horses and punched each other in the jaw but their clothes always looked clean and pressed.

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  5. I do agree with the idea about the Housewives and never getting over anything. If I did that at work, I’d been fired or locked up a long time ago. But what makes me curious about these women is they seem to be able to get in and out of monster size SUV’s like gazelles. My daughter has one of those beastly SUVs and I look like a three legged billy goat trying to get in or out of it.

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    1. Squeaky tennis shoes! They kill me, too. Best tennis match I watched had Pete Sampras strip off his shirt after storming off of the court. Who knew he was a hottie? All tennis matches, before and since, pale in comparison.

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  6. We do not have the same taste in TV. Mr. Texas and I like all the stuff you hate – procedural police dramas, forensic science mystery dramas, legal dramas (like Suits for instance starring H.R.H Meghan). I also really like British detective shows like Inspector Lewis. My fav!
    I am not really up into medical shows though because people always have weird illnesses that I am CONVINCED I have, and then they die. No.
    Mr. Texas watches a lot of basketball. A lot. I like to watch sports, but the squeaky tennis shoes on the court is a noise I can only tolerate for short periods of time before I want to cut my ears clean off. I used to watch much more tv than I do now.

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  7. Confidential to Vanderpump Rules ladies, 2016. Everybody shits their pants at least once in their adult life, right? I mean, what makes them so special?

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    1. I have yet to experience shitting my own pants. Peed my pants? Every time I sneeze or cough but I haven’t shit myself, thank God.

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  8. As someone who has been overweight her ENTIRE 44 years I am actually seeing the aging process as a great equalizer. People have always told me I have a pretty face, which is just code for, too bad you are fat. I see people from high school and they are unrecognizable with the weight gain and bad aging. People tell me I haven’t changed which I have to admit at first offended me as I weigh 40 pounds less than when I graduated from high school but I think it is a good thing meaning I still look like me.

    Yes, the Simpsons are still on.

    And I totally feel you on the going to the store because what else do I have to do. I make way too many trips to the store but hey, I get more steps in that way!

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  9. I’ve only watched one episode of the Simpsons. And, I watched it multiple times. When I taught the product development chapter to my college marketing students I’d show them the episode where Homer went to work for Powell motors and designed a car. The students had to apply the product development process to the episode to see if, or how, things would have turned out differently. I miss teaching that stuff.
    Eds sleeping with your robe killed me. He loves you so much.

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  10. What gets me is all of these youtubers praising the smoothie bowl. Like it’s some new and great invention that will magically change your life. It’s a fucking smoothie, people. In a bowl. Made thicker so you have to use a spoon. When did this become a thing?

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  11. Deadwood was the HBO Western. It came back without Googling it.
    I agree about getting sick of the RHW sometimes too. I rarely make the season except for NY. Those bitches just amuse me. I like the trips. A little OC and NJ because my husband likes it until he gets turned off too. We like Below Deck a lot now. Closest to a yatch we’re getting!

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    1. If it came back without Googling it you are younger than I am. Nothing comes back without Googling it these days.

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    2. I tried watching the Deadwood when it came on and in one of the very first episodes someone called another someone a “pencil dick cocksucker” and I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you. I had only ever seen Matt Dillon and John Wayne in westerns and that was the first time it occurred to me that cowboys cussed.

      That’s not why I quit watching it, by the by. I cuss with the best of them.

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      1. Me too, LisaPie. I remembering looking at my husband after all that cussing and saying that those words weren’t even invented back then.

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  12. I tried watching a couple of episodes of the New Jersey housewives and I just couldn’t do it more than that. Then Atlanta started so I watched a couple of those and I was embarrassed to be from Atlanta. I don’t watch any tv now because I realized one weekend how much time I had sat there watching crap and none of it was good and I had only succeeded in wasting a lot of time. I’ve watched a handful of movies in the past couple of years, but I bet I haven’t watched more than an hour or two of tv shows. I’ve never seen the Simpsons.

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  13. I watch all sorts of crap on t.v. But I have yet to watch any of the real housewives. What channel are they on?

    I adore Lily. She might be my favorite of your pets.

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  14. I was so settled in reading this wonderful post that I was surprised and disappointed when it ended. Just like with a satisfying book.
    Your brand post was great! I hope you got rewarded with showers of thanks and paper money.
    You’re terrific, Joon. And you’re more than eh, okay.

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  15. Eds and your robe! Awwwww. Sometimes, we’ll return home and find one of my shoes by SadieDog’s bed. She never chews it, just wants it nearby.

    We could never watch t.v. together. That is all.

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  16. I remember my Agatha Christie phase. If I catch one of the movies on TCM, I always copy it to watch when i can take the time to savor it.

    Aunt Kathy

    >

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    1. Thank you The Poet. I have many more that I call my little fluff ball (SHE’S A RESCUE) but they are far too embarrassing to admit.

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  17. If you like, Juan, you can try sleeping with my salt-and-pepper set of little sweetie petey muffin faces, especially the older needier one. One morning last weekened I thought I’d just lie in bed as long as I wanted, and she licked my arm without pausing for TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES. At least I think she’s needy. Maybe she has a mineral deficiency, or she’s asserting an Alpha Dog status the others of us aren’t aware of.

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  18. Me too. I kept thinking I would pull the looks thing together eventually. Too late now! You know what I love? Light fiction with a little mystery. Not deep enough that I have to focus on it, but just a little something to pull me through the fluffy mcflufferson rest of the story.

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  19. I can’t watch the reality tv shows – I have enough exposure to crazy drama IRL. [And not of my own making – I get to witness other people’s monkeys at their circuses.] Murder mysteries are so satisfying in that there is a bad event, a puzzle is solved, and the bad person/event caught. Closure. Resolution. If I need a good cry, I watch Call the Midwife.

    Great post, June.

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  20. “You know, from age 12 on, I was under the misguided impression that beauty was just around the corner. That I’d just have to get through this one awkward stage and there it would be: my peak of looks. Except that never happened and I spent my whole life looking eh. Eh, she’s all right. And now I’m on the downward spiral of age and it isn’t going to get better.”

    I just said this to someone the other day – only not as beautifully as that. Along with m’ looks, there are some other things that have been going on that just make me feel as if I’ve missed my chance in too many ways. It makes me sad.

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    1. I mentioned offhand to a friend the other day that it seems I am actually never going to be a stunning beauty.
      She laughed harder than was strictly necessary.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rooooood. And yes, Lottie Blanco at work suggested that I just make the smoothies myself. I looked up the ingredients, and yes, I could go shopping for organic avocados, organic dates, cacao and something called pea protein, but would I?

        >

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        1. Just let me say, I am smoothie and juice girl here. Not that it makes me tall and beautiful and thin – I guess I had high hopes…. but it is a PAIN! You are doing the right thing by ordering it all. I have dates, cacao, blah de blah spinach up the ass, carrots, a juicer and a Vitamix, which both sound like a 747 going off in my kitchen every a.m. A PAIN I tell you. And not to mention the trips to obnoxious Whole Foods. And staring at the Perfect People in Whole Foods, then feeling miserable because I don’t have their life. What was I talking about again?

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          1. I drink an almond smoothie every day for lunch and it’s really easy. 1 1/2 cups almond milk. 2 T almond butter, little stevia, couple shakes cinnamon, little salt. Bunch of ice and blend. It’s like a milkshake but high in protein, low carb.

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          2. A cup of milk of your choice (I use unsweetened almond or coconut) or water (plain coconut water for me), a banana or avocado, a handful of berries or mango or pineapple, some greens and whirl away. If you want them really creamy, add some nonfat yogurt. It’s really not that complicated or difficult. The biggest pain for me is cleaning the blender. Those blades are sharp!

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  21. I have been waiting all my life to be tall and thin. At 54 years old, 5′ 2″ and about 15 lbs overweight I’m starting to think it may not happen!

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  22. Shows I’ve never watched:

    Any of the Real Housewives
    Any of the Law & Orders
    Dancing With the Stars
    American Idol and that ilk
    Pretty much any kind of “reality TV” shows
    Any of the Westerns (Bonanza, Big Valley, Gunsmoke, etc)
    The Simpsons (I’ve never seen a single episode)
    Any of the streaming channels

    What do I watch these days? Well, I just finished up Season 2 of…wait for it…Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I only wish I was joking.

    I started drinking smoothies every day back in March. But I make my own using all natural ingredients, no shakes mixes, no powders, no prepackaged stuff. And I have lost weight but I don’t know if it’s from the smoothies or from not having a Sausage McMuffin and Hashbrowns from McDonald’s every day the way I used to.

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      1. I make my own all natural smoothies, and it’s a pain in the ass. You wouldn’t think assembling a handful of healthy things to toss in the blender would be complicated, but – well. Maybe it isn’t for other people. It could be just me.
        I love the idea of having everything appear at my door all ready to blend. Also, apparently there are other combinations in the world than blueberries and kale, which doesn’t actually taste very good? I didn’t realize!

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        1. I don’t find it to be a pain in the ass to make my own but what did surprise me was how much all those ingredients cost. The first week I started making smoothies, I had a shopping list of ingredients and I think I spent more on those than I did on regular groceries. Who would have thought fresh fruits would cost more than junk food? Oh, wait.

          If anyone wants to make their own and needs recipes, I highly recommend The Healthy Smoothie Bible by Farnoosh Brock, available on Amazon. If only there were an Amazon link…

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  23. My late neighbor loved Gunsmoke and all Westerns. She lamented that doctors now could not be like Dr Whatitsname on there. I tried to tell her it was fiction, it didn’t work. Whatever fantasy gets you through. I like spicey Westerns with whores and hot cowboys, gambling, Doc Holiday. That one on HBO with allHolidaat and the best cursing ever. I also love all of the murder, police procedural stuff. I hated Agatha Christie. The mystery loving came with age for me but I loved cop stuff always. Different strokes.

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  24. I love everything about this post! You’re even right about my shitty little dog – she’s my little sweetie petey muffin face but she can be a little shit.

    We have a young couple at our farmers market who sell frozen smoothies, delivered to your door. They cost like $474930485.98 a piece, but people buy them. I just drink lots of their free samples and call it good.

    Not a fan of Real Housewives. Not a fan of TV if I’m being honest. And I especially cannot watch things that go on and on and on way past their expiration date. Quit while you’re ahead.

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