I have the best possible news.

My smoothies came.

IMG_8941.jpgI forgot to look in the bathroom mirror this morning and rub my (new) lips like the girl in the commercial, but I did grab a smoothie out of the freezer the way she did. I ordered a bunch of flavors, but here are the ingredients in the one I grabbed:

  • Organic zucchini squash. Why can’t they just say “zucchini”?
  • Organic pumpkin seeds. Organic? Was that necessary?
  • Organic dates. That’s everyone my mom dated in the ’70s.
  • Avocado. Oh, apparently THAT doesn’t need to be organic.
  • ORGANIC coconut milk.
  • ORGANIC cacao powder. Why’re we going around saying “cacao” all of a sudden? It’s like we’re saying it wrong. It’s like we’re from another planet, trying to pass. yes would like hot cacao then take me to leader.
  • ORRRRGANIC coconut.
  • Or–guess what–ganic coconut oil. Sounds fattening. …Twenty-one grams of fat. Jesus.
  • ORRRRRRRRRGANIC pea protein. And yes, I still have no idea what pea protein is. Remember when I made Hulk eat hummus and he had 47 giggles over “chick pea”?
  • Everyone’s favorite, organic cocoa nibs. Would you like some cocoa? Oh, just a nib. How was your organic date with that dude? Well, he had a cocoa nib. …Oh.
  • And, finally, Himalayan pink sea salt. How obnoxious. Bitch, I’m from Saginaw. We get our salt from the girl in the raincoat.

I wish I could make it now, but I’m distinctly not hungry, as I ate a lot last night. I had dinner with Ned.

…Oh.

I remember when Ned and I broke up, which doesn’t narrow it down.

The big time. The time I moved out.

Anyway, when we broke up, I told him, “You know what I’ll never be? I’ll never be part of your harem of exes you keep as friends.”

Ned is friends with several people he dated. I mean, when I met him, he was 46 and never married, so you can imagine the posse of wimmin in his past. I’ve met a couple of his exes, and they were way cool. Lovely people. I would be friends with them in real life. But I wasn’t going to join them in being his pal.

IMG_8920Then guess what I did. I joined them. And yes, my lip IS starting to bruise.

Also, I enjoy this shot…

IMG_8921.jpg…as I look like some kind of villain.

Shut up.

Anyway, Ned-who-I-said-I’d-never-be-friends-with called me at 5:30 last night.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“I’m at work,” I said. “Where are YOU?”

“I’m leaving work.”

Leaving work! Ned! At 5:30! You have no idea how not like him that is.

“Do you want to have dinner?” he asked. I’ve been trying to get rid of my excess of strawberries, so for lunch I’d made a smoothie of strawberries, spinach, frozen blueberries and a little almond butter.

I

WAS

STARVING.

“Yes,” I said, and what I like about myself is I’m a woman of my word.

IMG_8915.jpg

He actually ordered something unhealthy!

So I had a french dip, which I can pretty much assure you no French woman would ever order. I also choked on my cranberry juice, and I choke on liquids constantly and I’m over it. I already did the thing where they went down my throat with a tube and there was nothing there SO WHY DO I KEEP CHOKING?

Anyway, I lived, and after dinner and a choke we strolled through the garden near the restaurant.

IMG_8916.jpg

Look! It’s a wild hydrant!

IMG_8917.jpg

Wow, June. What a fascinating shot of green stuff.

IMG_8918.jpg

There’s a dog park part of the park (good sentence) and DO YOU SEE THE PUPPY? He’s getting his neck bitted up.

Actually, I had trouble watching the puppy play with all those big dogs. Edsel has traumatized me. Thanks, Edsel.

“Ooo, take my picture behind the ‘K,’ I commanded Ned.

“K,” he said, because he’s a dissappointed texter.

IMG_8924.jpgAll I needed was the one photo, but you know how Ned is.

IMG_8932.jpg

IMG_8935.jpg

There are two kinds of people in the world: People who take one photo and people who think it’s funny to take 129239492 photos.

“You’re wasting film,” I tried.

Anyway, that’s why I’m not quite ready for a smoothie.

Now the weekend yawns before me, a holiday weekend at that, and other than preparing my white pants, I have no plans. I’m a bit tempted to do some sort of house project, like paint the bathroom. Or my bedroom. Ooooo. I could paint the spare bedroom like a pale rose color. I’ve been wanting to do that anyway.

If I paint one more thing pale blue or green Ima retch. Is pale rose too obnoxious?

I know I talked about moving, but now I’m not so sure. I like my little house, and it turns out any house out in the country costs MORE. Turns out they charge you for land. Why? It’s just grass you gotta mow.

Why can’t I meet some hot farmer? Some farmer with the delts?

I stole that line from Sex and the City.

Anyway, then I could just move myself and my 40 animals over to his pad. And maybe he’d have goaties. Or piglets. That he’d slaughter for bacon. Oh, a farm! How wonderful.

I had a dream last night that at my front door was a mom cat, a dad cat, and their kittens, which were newborn. They’d come to my house knowing it was a safe haven.

Note: I WOULD LOVE IF THAT REALLY HAPPENED.

img_8912.pngSpeaking of which, the woman who took Cora has her safely ensconced at home now. Look at her poor shavey tiddies. She had her operation, so no more kids for Cora. Seven is enough to fill our lives with love.

Is everyone waiting for me to mention spending our days like bright and shiny new dimes? What about the plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen windowsill?

I didn’t ask if she’s keeping that name, Cora’s mom, I mean. I think it’s a fitting name, but you’ll be stunned to hear it’s not my decision.

I’ll try to pop in here at some point over the weekend, to see if you’re watching the telethon.

…wait.

Don’t forget to be memorial.

LOFF,
Joob

45 thoughts on “June’s word is pink gold

  1. In case no one has mentioned it yet, your dreams of marrying a farmer could be answered. Or, at least your dreams of having a permanent earworm: Check out Farmers Only!

    Like

  2. GreenInOC says:

    NEWS ALERT! There is a new documentary on Amazon, “That Summer”, that is about 70% focused on Big Edie and Little Edie Beals with footage that was shot pre Grey Gardens!

    You’re welcome!

    Like

  3. Anonymous says:

    Your dream of a whole family of cats coming to your house really did happen to me, when we still lived in Greensboro. In fact, the mom brought one litter, then she had another, and brought them too.

    Like

  4. Another Unruly-Haired Person says:

    Cacao is unsweetened and nothing yet added to make chocolate.

    Like

  5. Mother says:

    Honey, I think you need your throat stretched. I know they told you before you didn’t need it, but have them look again. I think you do. Once I had that done, my choking stopped. It was scary when it was happening.

    Like

  6. Megsie says:

    I have to say that I am happy that you and Ned are friends.

    I am not a smoothie drinker, mostly because all of them tend to have banana in them–or are good for you. I would rather have a chocolate shake thankyouverymuch.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  7. blondinstone says:

    I am so pleased that Cora got a home. It’s easy for people to take kittens and overlook the mama. Glad she got a home.

    Aunt Kathy

    >

    Like

  8. dancer says:

    your villain look is saucy and sexy. not that i’m hittin on you. not that there’s anything wrong with that…

    cracking myself up today.

    Like

  9. Steph in St. Pete says:

    You look amazing, June!
    I might hafta get my face zapped, now.

    Like

  10. Tee says:

    Here is the missing in.

    Like

  11. Beth says:

    Re: the choking.
    I don’t know if I mentioned this before. My brother-in-law had that problem. His doc told him to eat a small piece of chocolate BEFORE a meal. Worked for him.

    Like

    1. Beth says:

      Oh, also, (speaking in a hushed tone). You look young enough to be Ned’s daughter. Shhhh.

      Like

    2. June says:

      Really?!

      >

      Like

    3. Roxie's Mom says:

      “Dinner and a choke.” Is that like Whining and Dining?

      Lovely post, lovely Juan.

      Like

  12. Tee says:

    You look beautiful. You look soooo young those photos behind the big K. I always thought the rule for white pants was none after Labor Day or before Easter. You have lost all that time since Easter. Cora is now Queen Cora.

    Like

  13. Darla says:

    I think I’m the only person in America who doesn’t like a smoothie. I need something to chew or I feel like it doesn’t count.

    Like

    1. Sadie says:

      Since I may be the only person who has never had a smoothie, I can’t say whether or not I’d like it.

      Like

  14. bamacarol says:

    Not a line on your face! How beautiful you look. Ned has those worry lines between his eyebrows. I guess being the big kahuna has it’s drawbacks. Thanks for the Cora picture. Poor baby, she looks worn out from the 7 kittens. Hope she has a life of ease and comfort now.

    Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend! Looking forward to the days off.

    Like

  15. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Lovely post lovely June! “You’re not getting older – you’re getting better”. Who said that? i can always remember tag lines, but never remember what product it was for. Marketing is wasted on me.

    Like

  16. Kim says:

    Another winner!

    Like

  17. Joan in NV says:

    Lovely post. And you are stunning with your this and your that and your happy happy happy. Painting would be fun this weekend. Maybe I’ll do some of that my ownself since the weather is dreary. Rain, wind, and no white pants because I’d get mud all up on that. We’ve had the drizzles for weeks, which my vegetable garden loves. Okay, so do I. But that barbecue on Sunday is looking iffy.

    Please let us know how that smoothie tastes because it sounds like a really weird mix of stuff. Not that I’m against that, since I make “clean the fridge smoothies,” but still. Very curious.

    Like

  18. muffin top says:

    Your NOTE after describing your dream made me laugh out loud.

    You’re looking younger and younger by the minute, June!

    I’m so happy to see Cora in her new home. She’s a lucky girl.

    Like

  19. June says:

    Remember that time I blogged and said I wasn’t hungry? Now I’m at work and I’m fekking starved.

    Like

    1. John says:

      Don’t eat my Big Kahuna Burger!

      Like

      1. June says:

        [sips Sprite]

        Like

        1. John says:

          Just before Marcellus threw Tony Rocky Horror out of a 4-story window, Tony realized he was in a “toe jam.”

          Like

  20. John says:

    Himalayan salt is rock salt or halite from the Punjab region of Pakistan, near the Himalayas, but falsely marketed as being from the Himalayas.

    The Mellow Mushroom started in Atlanta. It was the place Julia Roberts went on her first date. I used to play darts at the original location. Never saw Julia.

    Another fact, I think your lip service was successful. Looking good!

    Like

    1. June says:

      Thanks, Dad! And look at the big brain on dad, with the rock salt downlow.

      Like

  21. L.in CA says:

    Nice photos! Very glamorous actually.

    Like

  22. Koala Raspberry says:

    Pea protien is pretty good. I know because it is in Diaiya (sp?) nondairy cheese which I discovered at the Mellow Mushroom Pizza chain we got here in the last year or so. It’s a choice on their pizzas. It tastes better, melts better and costs more than soy cheese, naturally. I got it at the healthfood store initally but my regular supermarket has it now. I guess it’s veganish. It has carbs.
    You do look great! I like the villan pose. Cancer men do well at keeping old lovers as friends. They have that feminine side that draws women in. Does Ned have that too?

    Like

    1. June says:

      He does. While he’s a beer-drinking, poker-playing, sports-watching boy, he yammers at you like a chick. Ned is good on the phone.

      >

      Like

  23. I thought that was a huge hot pocket on Ned’s plate. You look no older than 30 in that picture of you behind the K. Funny post pretty June!

    Like

  24. Linda in Jamestown says:

    Your skin is looking FABULOUS!

    If you’re in the market for a farmer, don’t they have their own dating site – farmer.com, or something like that? This might be interesting!

    Like

    1. Angie says:

      I was wondering if that was everywhere or just in Texas!
      “You don’t have to be lonleeeee at farmersonly . com”

      Like

  25. amarabray says:

    You with the not ready for the smoothie! I can always eat.

    Like

  26. Sadie says:

    So happy Cora has a new home. Seven children AND a new mom, she’s a lucky girl.

    Love your villainous look. You’re so pretty.

    LaUral, what is MaryEllen’s new name? At least, I think you adopted MaryEllen.

    Like

  27. PJ says:

    Don’t forget to polish your white shoes, too. And get out your seashell bangle bracelet. You will be unstoppable with all that and your pouty lips.

    Another lovely post, Joob.

    Like

  28. Cheryl says:

    I have the best possible news – is this really what life has come to? Smoothies are the best possible news? That cracks me up. I’m from Kentucky so we have been wearing our white pants since Derby.

    Like

  29. LaUral says:

    I had horrible bruising on my chin last summer when the cat’s claw caught me as she fell off the bed, and the arnica cream from the drug store worked serious wonders. Two days and it was gone.

    Also, too, I second everyone who says you look amazing. The hair, the makeup, the lips … All That is All Working.

    Like

  30. Ashley C. says:

    I cannot handle how good you look. Seriously… SO, SO good!!

    Like

  31. Just Paula H&B says:

    Preparing my white pants. Am dead.

    Like

    1. Tee says:

      That made me laugh, too.

      Like

  32. Anita says:

    Poor Cora, your titties are never quite the same after nursing so many babies.

    What exactly do you have to make with that smoothie? Isn’t it already made?

    Like

  33. Sleeping Beauty says:

    How can pink salt be sea AND Himalayan. Look at any map that includes the “sea” and the Himalayas and ask yourself that. The answer starts with “p” and ends with “retentious.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anonymous says:

      Was there once sea over the Himalayas…only thing that comes to mind.

      Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: