June's stupid life

Catch up on June’s…new house.

Since y’all mentioned in the MORE THAN FIVE comments yesterday that you’d like to hear about m’new house, I thought I could start with that story, and on the following days we could have a delightful new catch-up series, a catsup series, that really cuts the mustard. You’ll relish it. Hot dog!

(Dear June,
Please go back to obscurity.)

A catch-up series wherein I tell you what’s new with my pets, my job, my friends, and m’love life. As in, is that a bone-in ham?

As you know, from your Big Book of June Events that apparently has been lying sandy at the bottom of your beach bag all summer, I was always brokeldy broke broke. It was driving me crazy.

I had the idea to sell my house, fmr., because while I know it wasn’t any grand mansion or anything, it was cute and in a very desirable area. Trust me. That area was hot. Like, you’d totally wanna finger that area.

First of all, it was centrally located. Second of all, it was rich-people adjacent. Like, across one busy street from my house, fmr., is the neighborhood of George Bailey, the richest man in town. I mean, it’s swank.

Plus also too, I was in the school district you wanna be in, apparently, which as you know makes a giant difference to me.

So for all these reasons, I sort of, oh, impulsively called a real estate agent offa Zillow one day in early July. I was looking on Zillow to see what my house was worth (hint: Eleven billion dollars more than I paid for it in 2008) and below that it said, “Interested in impulsively selling? Call now!”

So I did.

The real estate agent came over soon after, and said, “Everyone is looking for a house exactly like this.” Then he told me what he could get for it, and it was more than stupid Zillow said, and my eyes turned into dollar signs.

die
Actual portrait of me in July

A few days after that his wife came over, because she’s good at staging a house, and she was all, “Oh my god, everyone is looking for a cute house just like this. Hide the litter boxes and the 18 foster kittens and you are golden.”

They scheduled an open house, like, immediately, and meanwhile, 23948572240 people came to look at it.

This entire time, mind you, I was all, THIS IS GREAT and WOOO! and MAKE IT RAIN and what I’m trying to say to you is I called a Realtor offa Zillow on a Tuesday and my house was sold for the full asking price on Sunday. I had multiple offers.

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Marty and Kaye and me going out for ice cream during my open house. That whole week I drove around like an idiot while people creepy-crawled my house. Eds was my co-pilot. Also, I seem to have ice cream on m’face. Ya big disgrace.

So that was fun. And then I figured out why my house sold so fast.

There were no other good houses for sale on earth.

Also, that is right about the time my real estate agent became George Bailey, the most beleaguered man in town.

(If you still don’t get my It’s a Wonderful Life refs and you had all summer with nothing to do and no blog to read, I don’t think I can help you, and neither can our Lord and Savior.)

My poor Realtor. It’s rewarding to know that you can change someone’s life for the worse in just one summer. Oh, I wish you’d all been there. Because my real estate professional lost his will to live, and sort of wished I’d shuffle off this mortal coil my own damn self. No one has hated a person with more white-hot heat than Bob My Beleaguered Realtor ended up hating me.

I wanted to buy something cheaper than my house. I wanted LOWER house payments. But everything lower was on the corner of Crack and Ho. Right off Methamphetamine Ave.

And everything a tad higher was BRAND-NEW! In a street with NO TREES! And an HOA!

Ugh.

Girl, I looked at real estate apps the way a 17-year-old boy looks at titties. I looked at real estate apps the way Camilla Parker-Bowles eyes up a bag of feed. No one was more attuned to Greensboro’s real estate market harder than I was July and August of 2018.

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Bob showed me places in the country that were charming but looked out at cookie-cutter subdivisions.
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We gandered at adorable old cottages in Winston-Salem, because who DOESN’T want a 40-minute commute?
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We even looked at a KICK-ASS condo downtown, where I would commence to drive all the old men crazy, starting with my beleaguered real estate agent.

I almost made an offer on the downtown place. Turns out my pal Kit had lived IN THAT VERY PLACE in the ’70s, when it used to have a pink bathtub. But what about Edsel? There was no yard. If he got diarrhea in the night I’d have to take him to the rapey streets of downtown. Where I’d be driving all the old men crazy.

Dear June,
Okay, no one really missed you.

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Finally, I made an offer on an old-lady townhouse that I could have made ADORABLE, and they didn’t accept my offer.

Asses.

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Then I made an offer on a really beautiful hou$e not far from where I lived, and they said ye$, but once I met with The Money Lender, it turn$ out my monthly payment would have been way more than the online mortgage calculator said. $o I had to say, Okay, never mind.

I mean, dudes. There was nothing out there. Oh my god. Pickins were slim, pickins.

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Seriously considered this little house in the country. Drove by it maybe 900 and 14 billion times.
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And sometimes I’m haunted by the fact I didn’t take this one. But the commute. I’d be livin’ in the country, driving all the old June crazy with that drive.

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There’d been a house my pal Lilly found, over in her town, which isn’t that terribly far away. It was cute, and in a cute hood, and I looked at it, liked it, and after a week of deliberating, I made an offer.

They accepted it.

So that was it. I had my house. I was gonna move in, and yes, I’d have to learn to navigate a new town but what the heck. And I’d be near Chris and Lilly. I’d be living in their town, driving all the millennials crazy.

But for some stupid reason, I kept my Trulia app on my phone, the way you keep your Tinder going even after four dates with a promising guy. And maybe two weeks after my offer and right before my inspection, I saw this…

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Dudes.

I saw it first thing one morning, soon as I woke up. And I gasped out loud. I had a G-O-L situation.

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And it wasn’t just cute on the outside, the way I am. It was pretty on the inside, too. The way I’m not.
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And the BACK.FUCKING.YARD!

DUDES.

So I phoned Bob, my beleaguered realtor.

“Bob, I found a house I like better than the other house.”

Bob sighed.

“I mean, we can go look at it, but the inspection is scheduled, you’ve paid a due diligence fee. Your move-in date might not jibe anymore. You might be homeless a few weeks. We can do it, but it’d be a lot,” he said beleagueredly.

Beleaguered Bob hates me.

I went to see it despite these obstacles, and I almost cried. I have no neighbors behind me. There are woods, then it sharply drops off, and there’s the train track. THE TRAIN TRACK!

The house was way less expensive than my old one, making the payments really low. Stupid low. You-wouldn’t-believe-it low. It was the price I’d hoped for but never found beyond the corner of Ass and Rape.

But this neighborhood, while not pristine, was cute. And? The house was in impeccable shape.

I sat on the back steps and watched yellow finches fly in the pear tree. I heard the train rumble past. And I thought, Could I ever be lucky enough to live here? I had tears in my eyes because I never thought I’d get lucky enough to live somewhere this good.

Turns out yes. I CAN live somewhere this good.

AND? It turns out I knew the owners! I work with the woman who owned this house! Her husband had lived here since 1963. She’s a wonderful person, and they kept the place immaculate. I will ruin it immediately.

As soon as she and I figured out I was looking at HER house, our respective real estate professionals told us DO NOT SPEAK. And we didn’t. Even though we were dying to.

And yes, it was a pain in my ass to switch from the house I said I’d buy to this one.

So I made an offer on this house, and had to live with Ned for 10 days, while the poor woman I work with moved out tout suite and Bob the Beleaguered Realtor took up sniffing glue.

And look. This neighborhood ain’t fancy. It’s a mill neighborhood. It’s on the historic register. We’re near two mills, and these houses were BUILT by those mills. The houses on my street are identical, just boop! boop! boop! all the same design, and we all have an alley behind us because in 1932, everyone had an outhouse. The really cool news is, the alley for some reason stops at my house, so I have, like, a personal alley.

You know what song I hate? The Alley Cat song.

Anyway.

So while these houses are charming AF, not all are as…kept up as mine. Most people who live here have lived here for generations. Their parents were mill workers, and in some cases so were they.

The nearby mills are shut down now, but one has been revamped with fancy apartments (Ned looked at one back when he was looking for places) and restaurants and so on, and they just broke ground on another even closer, less than a mile, to do the same.

So I think this neighborhood may become more desirable as time goes on, and in the meantime it’s quiet, other than my neighbor’s rooster WHOM I LOVE, and everyone here looks out for each other. And I have the prettiest little pink millhouse in town.

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Untitled.pngIMG_9354.jpgIMG_9524.jpegIMG_9436.jpegIMG_9496.jpegSo that is the story of how I became an urban pioneer. And of how Edsel managed to ingratiate himself into nearly every photo.

P.S. I have been getting together with other UPs in the neighborhood on Friday nights. We go to the local Mexican restaurant and talk about just everything, including how charming this neighborhood is. It’s just three blocks, mostly with dead ends, and the train tracks behind us. We’re very sort of isolated here.

And oddly, I am now just on the OTHER side of the rich-people neighborhood.

I keep skipping over moving right in there.

So that’s the catch-up info re my house, and I hope it answers everything re this, seeing as I’ve droned on for 1900 words and you are doing this:

2lm2iz9

Driving all the old women crazy,

June

127 thoughts on “Catch up on June’s…new house.

  1. Love the new house. Sad about Peg; she was a fun neighbor to have. So happy getting to read your not blog again.

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  2. This house is adorable and you made the right choice for sure. I am getting ready to take a big leap and buy a home with my elderly parents who are in need of assisted living, so I am going to become their assistant. I will have you over one night after this takes place. I will be close to you. Yay…you’re back to writing again and I get to see everyone’s comments. A great way to get through the day. Thank you!

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  3. June, I love your post. I love your house! I once almost bought a house in this neighborhood. I loved the house but it was not as upgraded as yours and at the time I wasn’t able to tackle a renovation. It is an adorable neighborhood and rich history. I love that you are honoring it.
    Congratulations to you on your new home.
    You have been missed.

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  4. Love all of this! So I posed a question on good old facebook, and someone said they wished you could chime in. Oh chimey person you are. The Friday afternoon discussion at work is a debate. How do you pronounce ‘forte’? As in, Editing power points is not my forte. My vote is for-tay. Even though I Google fucking it and Google says it is fort.

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  5. Love all of this! So I posed a question on good old facebook, and someone said they wished you could chime in. I chimney person you are. The Friday afternoon discussion at work is a debate. How do you pronounce ‘forte’? As in, Editing power points is not my forte. My vote is for-tay. Even though I Google fucking it and Google says it is fort.

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  6. I’m so happy you don’t have to deal with snarky gaybors anymore. I love your house and your poptart art. I am just so happy right now. Thank you June, for usingyour writing gift on us again. Heartfelt appreciation from little ole me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Also, just have to add, how very much like you to already be friends with the neighborhood. Love that. Wish I could be more like you, instead of being the total hermit that I am!

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  8. So neat to know the backstory, and Lordy, I have missed your blog. That is a beautiful little house. I’m in love with the fireplace, the kitchen, the front porch, the back yard… all of it. But you know my main thought reading this is OH MY GOD, considering the big bucks that Bob the realtor made in just a few days selling your old house, he should be eternally grateful to you and patient with you. As a matter of fact, he should have made sure that you understood how quickly it could sell, and made sure that you had a good idea of the market out there and where you planned to move to once your place sold. GOOD FOR YOU for not letting him guilt you into staying with the first house in escrow and following your own heart and gut. Seems like you’re already glad with each new day that you pushed for what was right for you. Kudos, girl.

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  9. I have missed these posts so much! I cracked up! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I’m so glad you found your house!

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  10. LOVE the house!! It suits you perfectly. Had I known you were selling, I would have warned you about the buyer’s market.

    But the one with the wide porch and rockers with blue cushions is calling my name…oh wait, The Husband would kill me if I made him move again.

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  11. I loved this post! Your house is just perfect for you! Your kitchen is so roomy, especially compared to your previous darling-but-tiny kitchen.
    I laughed so hard when you said Bob took up sniffing glue.

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  12. Thanks for sharing your story. I really love this house. The part about you sitting on the back steps thinking you’d “never get lucky enough to live this good” was more than I could handle. I have had that feeling. I know it and I felt it again for you when I read your writing.
    I’m so happy for you.

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  13. I love your new house! And that yard and patio and railroad and rooster. And it’s pink. What more could you ask for?

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  14. The house is perfectly you. And Bob has had many trying clients in his day. You were probably th most amusing.

    And dear Peg: fly with the angels in peace . . .

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  15. Awww, the house is just right. Not too big, not too new, not too far. Just right. Where is the cooter pie painting? Will the zoo sign go in the new gorgeous back yard? I bet there are critters out there for Iris to stalk. Thank you for coming back to us!!!

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  16. I love your new home. The backyard is wonderful. I’m so happy for you. And, Bob, Bob just needs to be happy that you didn’t find a for sale by owner and dump him completely.

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  17. Little Pink Houses for you and me! Although I don’t live in a pink house. But yours is adorable and the picture of Edsel at the front door should be framed.

    Okay, I love Love LOVE the Pop Tart art. Wherever did you find it?

    I sure have missed you.

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  18. Did I miss a description of the indoor layout ? How many rooms ? Basement ? Did you have to downsize your possessions ?
    Sorry. I’m just so excited that you are back !
    Stopping now.

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  19. I am so glad you found THE house. And, being the penny pincher I am, I am more excited that you’ll be paying less for your mortgage! Money in the bank = peace of mind.

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  20. What a great way to start my day! Thank you for this story and those photos. Contented sigh. Will make the rest of my day livable.

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  21. What a happy story! I think the move was such a wise decision, not only financially but to put your mind in a new place. LOVE the yard, wow! And a poptart poster? Ha! Some people have French culinary prints…some people have poptarts. I love your humor.

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  22. Thank you for the contenders tour and dream home photos, June.
    I’m just so happy for you, finding your perfect place. The neighbourhood sounds wonderful.
    All is right with the world, now that you’re back!
    RIP sweet Peg.

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  23. I love that dang house. We have a cookie cutter 2006 house that looks like all the other 2006 houses within a twenty mile radius. Sigh. Historic is on my wish list for someday.

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  24. This is a beautiful house! Reminds me of my maternal grandparents house and yes, I love those type of steps too. Why don’t we have things like that in newer neighborhoods? And looks like the animals are comfy in it, especially Edsel who seems happy if he has his mom and blue. Thanks for the updates!

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  25. GODBLESSAMERICA I LOVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!! Am rushed this morning, don’t want to be late for my highlight cause I think my stylist has a sheet pan of brownies with ladyfingers that look like headstones and that sounds like lunch to me. I can’t believe you found that house, it’s crazy perfect!! And I love the updated kitchen, it doesn’t look out of place at all, they did a great job! The awnings, the shutters, the roof lines!! The shrubs are so cute too! The bathroom is beyond adorable and that floor tile, I bet that’s original. The window coverings in the kitchen and your table and chair set is perfect! I LOVE that wallpaper in the dining room. Hey, you have two table and chair sets, is the room with the cute blue fringe curtains…is that like a back porch or a breakfast nook? It has a built in hutch so I find that very intriguing. Going to pop back in this afternoon and drool over those pics again, I love vintage houses, LOVE!

    Dear Joob,

    I know GODBLESSAMERICA is similar to when I called Cincinnati “Cincy” and you told me never to do that again. So I won’t do it again. If felt right with your cutie cute house though.

    Love,
    AA

    Lovely post, June.

    SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Joob is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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        1. But I read it again and can’t find what that room is. Sighhhhhhhh, will go back and reread a third time. I think I get excited and distracted by the pictures and miss text.

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  26. This is just what I have missed so much in the morning! I adore your writing! What an adventure!
    RiP, Peg.
    Yes, there is an Alley Cat dance. It was big at nineteen sixties wedding receptions, along with the Bunny Hop and the Hokey Pokey. I think the Chicken Dance came later. I feel old but I just turned 59 so 60 will nip at my heels all year.

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  27. I am obsessed with your new house. I would have snapped that one up licketty split. Our house in California was in a neighborhood like yours. It was the first subdivision in San Jose and all the streets were named after WWII Generals. We lived on MacArthur. Anyhoo, we moved there because I am obsessed with old houses but the neighborhood was like you described. A TON of the people were original owners, senior citizens who couldn’t afford to spruce up the homes. But over the 13 years we lived there, they slowly died and the houses were snapped up by millennials with fat Silicon Valley money. By the time we sold the neighborhood was super cute and very desirable. Fingers crossed this happens to you as well! Congratulations! Can’t wait to hear your other catsup stories as well. Welcome back, June

    From Kim, who used to live in California but now lives in Arizona, who is currently aggravated that she can’t change her username!

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    1. Kim, yesterday when I commented it displayed teesmithii, but was able to change my name, there was a change button and it worked, allowing me to change my comment name.

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  28. I love this story so much!! And Bob might have been miserable DURING, but he could absolutely use your story as proof that he does whatever it takes to get his clients what they want!
    It’s a perfectly wonderful house and I’m so happy for you!!

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    1. AND, it’s evident there’s also a fireplace in the living room, on the other side of that fireplace. All I have to do is save my dollars and KNOCK down that wall and have ANOTHER FIREPLAAAAACE.

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      1. I wondered why there was a fireplace in that small room but not the living room. So there is one. Did they cover it up to accommodate that huge entertainment center?

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  29. That house is just adorable beyond words. But I’m sure Amish will find a few. It really is so cute and so you! How did the furry ones do with the move?

    That is so sad about Peg. We should all have gazpacho in her honor.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. The universe has been out of kilter but now that you have a pink house things may be getting back on track. Welcome back Joob.

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      1. We danced it at all the Bar Mitzvahs. That and the hora are the extent of Jew-dancing capabilities, I guess…

        Here it is, only we said “Meow!” when we jump and turn. And, hooboy, it sure is easy to waste an entire morning perusing alley cat dance videos!

        How much do you think that guy teaching the dance hates his job?

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  31. The other houses did not look like you at all. When I see the pictures of this house I see you. It is a perfect fit. Congratulations!

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  32. What a saga! I’m happy you found your perfect house with your dream payment and short commute to work. What’s not to love?

    In the picture from Airplane, I’m seeing you sitting in the chair with Bob’s legs dangling. At least, he has your real estate adventure as his new benchmark for all future clients. They can thank you for that.

    R.I.P. Peg. I was sad to read that on your Instagram. I’m sure she is happily looking down on you in your new home.

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    1. Oh my god. Bob goes to target practice and uses a photo of me changing my mind.

      And yes. In case one is not on Instagram, Peg died today. As in my neighbor Peg. She did not die of the Noro virus.

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  33. I’m so glad you’re writing again. It’s like getting to have coffee with a friend every morning. A friend who doesn’t know me, but I enjoy our coffee anyway. I missed your not blog!

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  34. Oh I’m just so happy for you!! What a journey, with a perfect ending! Also, what a wonderful way to start my morning reading this! (By the way, I highly disagree about our Joob not being pretty on the inside, too.)

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  35. Love the house buying saga. When I was a Realtor, I had a client about a billion times worse than you. Goes with the job.

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    1. I was thinking the same thing. The guy I showed 250 houses to, scoured the neighborhood he wanted, knocked on doors asking people if they want to sell and finally finding his perfect house per his wants and needs and what did he do? Bought a freaking condo from another agent. Walked in an open house and signed the damn papers. Way way worse than Joob

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  36. THIS post is WHY we have missed you so much! I’ll try to be brief (who am I kidding, I’ve never been brief). It started in the first paragraph. Your writing, your humor, your heart touching description of the path to your new home. Manpoly! The house, the porch, the yard, the railroad behind you, even the rooster, the interior and your decorating is wonderful, the location, AND it’s in the historic district. The icing on the cake, potential value increase. This so reminds me of my grandmother house, but unfortunately, her house is gone and there is a Georgia Tech dorm on the spot. The dorm has her house number 555. (Sorry, I got sidetracked there.) What’s not to love about your new place! I am so excited or you. Thanks for the catsup and all five of us really missed you.

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      1. Introduce him to Ned. Once Bob sees how long it takes to choose a sandwich, much less a house, he will be grateful you were the client. Bah!!

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  37. Thanks for the delicious details. I may need to learn a couple of new acronyms: G.O.I.?, “Get on it”? U.P.?, “urban professional”?

    It sounds like the house before probably had backup offers and even if you had to give up some earnest money it was worth it.

    After watching my daughter-in-law stalk Zillow for monhs I’ve decided that’s the key. Start studying those pages long before you have to move, set alerts, learn the neighborhoods and markets well enough to know when something special special comes along.

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          1. One thing I wonder about since you mentioned that your old house was in a type and location in high demand for families because of the schools: You said your old house had only one very small bathroom. Do you think the new owners plan to remodel? Out west I would anticipate the one bathroom thing would be a deal breaker for many families.

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  38. I’m so glad you found a home… forever or not, its adorable. and you are you.

    and also, the photo with Edz? I sing “Come on knock on our door, we’ve been waiting for you…” except that there are more than three of you to keep us company.

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      1. Speaking of Three’s company. I saw Suzanne Somers at restaurant in Palm Springs last week. She looked FABULOUS, 72 years old and FABULOUS.

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  39. I love this…I love you. Not in a weird way. Wait. It is a totally weird way. I’m good with that. Welcome home Joob. Welcome home.

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  40. So happy your dream came true! Your house is adorable especially with all the cute furniture and attractive animals. Loved the post, so glad you came back to visit today!

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  41. Everything about this house screams June! Just lovely. I have a thing for the kind of steps you have going from the sidewalk up into the grass. I have loved the look of those since I was a kid.

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    1. Oh, me too! It’s just so damn charming. And re Alf in the other Q, he was here on day one. Also, he’s the one who most encouraged me to move here, as he is convinced the mill renovations will make these millhouses all worth 80 million dollars any minute now.

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    2. I thought I was the only one who was crazy about those kinds of steps. I have taken hundreds and hundreds of pictures of those kinds of steps over the years. If there was a coffee table book of those steps, I would buy it, lick it, pet it, coo to it, then put it on my coffee table.

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  42. Selling and buying a house can be so daunting and exhausting. Ah, but when you find THE perfect place it’s all worth it. Your new place is adorable and clearly the fur kids have settled right in. You seem to be in a good place in your life right now. Enjoy it!!

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  43. Ha!! I thoroughly enjoyed your update and all the pictures. I love your new place. I’m glad you found the place you want. That’s a huge deal because houses are such a long term commitment!

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