Hair · Money

June-o Vannelli

A. I’m dyeing my roots.
B. My mouse battery is very low. This means (I’m not gonna say the struggle is real. If you hear me saying the struggle is real, I want you to impale me with 10 mouses) THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL even getting on here, and it took ages, and NOW I gotta stop and rinse my dye.

I just gotta stop. And tell you what I feel about you, babe. I just gotta stop. The world ain’t right without ya babe. I just gotta stop.

And rinse my roots.

Did EVERYONE have a perm in the early ’80s? Was it the LAW? (June acts like she wasn’t sportin’ the perm. Say it loud, I poodle and I’m proud.)

…Okay. Roots, rinsed. Self, cleansed. Laila Ali hairdryer, on. Looking, fetch.

What’s with me and all the predictable jokes today? Fetch. ’80s perms. Any ref to the ’80s at all.

Would you like to know what bugs the shit out of me? When people make everything about the ’80s. Blue eyeshadow. NOT AN ’80s INVENTION. I remember traipsing to the drug store in the snow to get me some baby-blue eyeshadow in the late ’70s. What might be more accurate is electric-blue eyeliner. Now, that was some ’80s shit.

Anyway, I’m tryina think of what’s new. Oooo! I know one thing.

This weekend, I knew I had to pay bills. Although I’ve read online that least one of you was “so sick” of hearing about how I didn’t have money, and what a strain that must have been for you, to hear about how my husband left me when I was jobless, and how my mother offered to buy my house from me but I wanted to remain independent, so somehow I MANAGED TO NEVER MISS A HOUSE PAYMENT even though I was unemployed. I’m so sorry that annoyed you. Let me guess, husband has always had a good job and you live in a cookie-cutter modern house? Talk-to-the-manager horseshoe hairdo?

June is feisty today.

Anyway, I hadda pay my bills, including the mortgage, for the first time since moving in here.

When I first sold my house and moved in here, I sat in a Subway parking lot during one lunch hour and paid off bill after bill. $500 I owed the lawn guy, boom. Doctor bill I was trying to make payments on, boom. Stupid Ultherapy that didn’t work, boom.

Bill after bill after bill. They were mostly $500 here or $250 there, but they were all over the place. Then I waited for my credit score to go up (why does a BAD thing affect your credit almost immediately, but a GOOD thing takes 60 days to make your score go up?).

But I kind of forgot I did all that as I sat down with my pile of bills. Truthfully, every bill time, I had to set aside several hours, first to gird myself for how anxiety-inducing it was, then to be in a bad panicked mood after. I did that this past Sunday. I had several hours no one expected to hear from me.

So. Mortgage first. …Oh, okay, that’s right. It’s lower than it used to be. Maybe I’ll round it up to the next hundred. Put that on the principal. Principle? Which is it for a mortgage? I’ll round it up to the Mr. Dixon. Because Room 222 references are fetch.

Then I paid the water bill. The electric. My phone. My internet.

Well! But…

I looked around me. I went back to my bill box. There was one thing left in there, under my alarm instructions. A check for $250, something about overpaid mortgage from the last house.

I paid all my bills, have emergency savings, a credit score inching up toward 800, 15% a pay period going to my four-oh-wonk,

AND I HAVE MONEY LEFT OVER after paying the bills.

Oh my god! Who even am I?

Afterward, I celebrated by painting the dresser pink, and that was a mistake. I’d show you photos, but my mouse is hooked up to the same little cable thing that my phone hooks up to the computer with, and there was a marvelously constructed sentence.

The point is, I’m scared to UNplug my mouse to plug in the phone and upload the photos for you.

Anyway, I hate it. Ima try to repaint it Kid Glove, the white-ish color, and I act like something can be white or sort of white. I guess it’s more of an ivory, merchant.

I must go, as it is 7:42 and I have to be at my desk at 8:00, via my new hours. I have no makeup on, and in the ’90s–not the ’80s–when I ventured out sans makeup and just a little sandalwood oil, I was all fresh! and natural! Now I look like I was pulled from the river. On Sunday afternoon I stopped at a coffee shop sans makeup, and a handsome age-appropriate man was walking in as I was walking out. I smiled at him and he looked down, like he’d turn to stone if he looked at anyone that hideous.

No, mom. He was not intimidated by my beauty. Also, he was not gay. Mom pulls out all the stops before she admits someone just wasn’t that into me.

Also, I like how I leave the impression I was there for coffee and not a chocolate croissant. Why so not fetch?

I’ll talk to you tomorrow when I hope I can report I have a fixed washer. The owners, fmr., of this house, left the washer and dryer at my request, but I do believe they’re from the ’70s, not the ’80s, and I washed my comforter in there and broke the damn thing. So my sensible reliable handyman is coming today, because nothing is clean and I have to wear the calf-length teal dress I wore to 10th-grade homecoming to work today, along with the nude low-heel shoes that went with said dress.

That was in the ’80s.

I see pictures of people’s kids at homecoming now, and they’re all hootchie-gootchie girls, and I dressed like one of the Golden Girls at 17. Dear Matt Rick, my homecoming date in 1982: I am sorry I dressed like Rose Nylund and not a go-go dancer at homecoming. At least my Princess Diana hairdo was fetch.

Okay, really going now.

Juan

70 thoughts on “June-o Vannelli

  1. Whenever I think of blue or green frosty eyeshadow, I think of my mom. Single mother of five in the 70s. Hot pants. Shiny long dark hair. Rockin’ body even after five kids. That was my mom. I will say whenever I bring up memories of her putting on her makeup at the bathroom vanity desk, she poo poos me. I remember every second though.

    Lovely post, Joob! Again!

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  2. I had the biggest head of curly, wavy, obnoxious long hair and never had a perm. Now, with menopause, I couldn’t get my hair to curl no matter what i do to it. It just has gone flat. The hormones left and took the bounce with them.

    I wore the blue and pearly eyeshadows in 1970. Also the blue mascara. Mostly all Yardley makeup and Maybelline mascara.

    Excellent post, Juan!

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  3. Juune Rivers! That was a hilarious post. I think I was in second grade when I got my first perm. I know all of you ladies are WAY too young to remember those outer space looking machines that had the wires with clips that went onto the rollers and heated your hair to help the curling, well, I got that kind of a perm. I even got an afro, it looked horrible on me.

    Congratulations on getting out of debt and doing all the other smart financial things. It takes sooo much pressure off of you when you don’t have financial worries.

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  4. I’m so very glad you’re back and happier still that things are going well for you. You worked for it, you deserve it!

    No emoticons….

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  5. Yes, perms in the eighties were required by law. Otherwise, you would have looked like you were pulled from the river. Mine gave me the Roseanne Roseannadanna look (triangular hair).
    Congratulations on your finances. Such a good feeling to not have to juggle bills!

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  6. I love that the kitty baby is eating now. I wish that they didn’t grow up so fast. Yay for being so financially fit and screw those asshats that said that about you not having money. Jerks.

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  7. Congratulations, June! I remember when you wrote that you couldn’t imagine having even a $1,000 emergency fund. And NOW look at you, girl!
    I don’t think blue eye shadow had its genesis in the 80s, but I kinda think blue mascara did. I have blue eyes, and I thought the blue mascara was STUNNING on my ridiculously awkward high school self.
    Very funny post, June! You do not look pulled from the river. My friend just had her rosacea treated with lasers at the dermatologist. She looks so fabulous – I’m going to check into it for my own pink cheeks.

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  8. Love this post!! The river comment made my day. I missed ol Joon and so glad you are back. Yes to blue eyeliner – and with green eyes, what a treat I surely was. AND a perm. But alas, invisible now anyway, so hoo care what I look like. I miss skin elasticity too. I gotta go read everything and binge read June now.

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  9. Dragging yourself out of debt is the worst. Accomplishing dragging yourself out of debt is the BEST. Looking at your credit score and smiling is wonderful. Not being broke on a regular basis is heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I just applied for an editing job at the company my 324-month-old son works at and he put in an internal reference for me and – lo and behold! – my resume will actually make it to the hiring manager’s desk. So weird, needing my kid to get me a job…

    Anyway, my point is, I guess I’m going to need a look other than “pulled from the river” if I manage to land an interview. Also, my other son (the 222-month-old one) got a retail job at Best Buy during high school and heartily dislikes all middle-aged female customers. He now refuses to ever let me talk to a manager.

    Just rambling…so nice to “see” all you folks again!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Suburban!!! My PhD student daughter was a server and retail person for a couple years and she has always adamantly stated that white, female, middle aged customers are THE ABSOLUTE worst in a restaurant or retail situation. I keep that in mind when I am interacting with young folks.

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      1. My oldest daughter also waitressed and bartended, and she said the staff would fight over who had to wait on the table of middle-aged white women. “They never tip,” she said. Now, if I go out, the first thing I say is “My daughter was a server. I tip.” My kids have given me a complex.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. No! I mean, he ate all the sardines, blech, but then inexplicably, that was like his gateway to eating everything. He managed to jump on the washer, where Iris and Lily’s food is, and eat everything up there with the exception of the canned kitten food that I gave to the grownup cats so SOMEONE would eat it. So, he’s now eating dry kitten food, dry adults-only all-nude-all-the-time food, and adult canned food.

      Go figure.

      Also, I thought I had a good three months till he could make it up to the washer.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I was just thinking yesterday, that June is so mature and stuff. Like you just went out and bought yourself a pretty home without all of our advice or nothing.

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  12. I totally permed from 1989- 1997. Loved it. I CAN NOT believe anyone is complaining to you about your content!!! I love reading everything you write and people like that shouldn’t read if they don’t like it. Those people make me mad because I worry you’ll quit again from too much negativity.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I had the obligatory perm, which really was just a frizz fest on my head. I remember it was just before Halloween and I was going as a black, cat so it was sort of fitting for that occasion. Not that cats have perms. Yesterday I let my hair air dry and it looked just like my wild mane, only I had no black cat costume to go with it. I think I need to find the right product to use on the no blow dry days so I don’t get that wtf look from the husband.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. “Ice Ice Baby” came on the radio during my endless 3-minute commute this morning. What a coincidence—that was “Vannelli” Ice, right? From the ’80s, right?
    Compulsive fact-checking: 1990. Forget I said anything.

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    1. No, honey. That was…oh, you looked it up. Isn’t your work internet for SHIT right now, though?

      Also, I’m sorry I never answered your email yesterday. I was working. Heaven knows what you’re up to on your floor, over there.

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    1. I don’t generally use moisturizer because blemishes. Currently, I’m using something called Olay Regenerist Microsculping Cream, because Hot & Flashy uses it and I am her bitch re products recommendations, and guess what I have? Blemish.

      And I have too much roseacea for something as namby-pamby as “tinted” anything. I need a whole kabuki theater–level foundation.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Even though you didn’t ask me, here’s my opinion: Hate it because it manages to take all the natural color right out of my face. It is not a flattering look to have your face one dull shade of ick.

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      1. Oh, you’ve TRIED it? I thought you were considering it but didn’t dare without hearing from Hot & Juney first. Dammit. Why doesn’t anyone follow my every move the way I follow Hot & Flashy?

        >

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  15. Congratulations on a stress-free day of paying bills. I admire how you use proofreading to bring in extra cash. Going home from work and doing more work takes determination…and aversion to cashlessness, too.

    I had baby blue eye shadow in the late 60s, back when I didn’t look like I’d been pulled from the river. I hated to throw it away, and kept it for a couple of decades — unused, but a memento of those memorable university years.

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    1. For some reason, this reminded me of also in the ’80s, when my friend Saundra (Sandy) had this huge thing of different-color eye shadows. Did there used to be a cosmetics called Ultima? Cause that’s what I think it was called. Anyway, she’d buy that whole thing and just use Candlelight. Why not just buy Candlelight?

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I think everyone DID have a perm in the 80s, including my male clients.
    Thank G for that as it greatly enhanced my paycheques.
    I saw a FB post yesterday for an upcoming 80s prom party themed bash. What a hoot.
    Even though I swore I’d never leave home without my face on I’ve been doing it more often. I’ve reached that invisible age and apparently no one sees me anyway so whoo care. TM June.
    Well done on the financial front. It’s a great feeling having extra moola after the bills are paid.

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    1. I almost never wear makeup, maybe if I am being fancy I put on some mascara. Even then people ask me, “what did you do to your face?

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  17. Lovely post, plenty of belly laughs!! My sister wore blue eye shadow to high school right around 1970. Turquoise, in a paint pot with a brush that looked like a bottle of nail polish. She had been anti-makeup in junior high so she jumped on the makeup train in a big, blue way. She did catch a man that year and still has him.

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  18. Congratulations on your new non-panicky bill paying with money to spare.

    I grew up with home perms, but can’t remember my last one. Maybe grade school since we all wore long straight hair in my senior year of high school. I was in the process of growing my hair longer in junior high until my unfortunate choice of cutting it short in 9th grade. I refer to that year as my see-what-the-cat-dragged-in look.

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  19. When my husband retired, my gift to him was the bill paying job. Adios to that annoying chore. Somehow it seemed like it was never payday but always bill paying day.

    I had countless perms growing up. Somehow my mother thought my stick straight hair would benefit from that oh-so-glamorous Tony home perm treatment. Did everyone else only have one shoe box full of curlers that got passed around the family? That was us. It was great knowing my grandma and I had the same stylist – my mother, the sadist. The last time I let her touch my hair my then boyfriend took one look at me and said “I know they call that a permanent, but I hope that one’s only temporary”. I wanted to hate him, but he was so right.

    Lovely post lovely June-from-the-river!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Gotta admit, the first thing I did when I remarried (26 years ago now!) was hand the bills over to him. I was tired of it and the the anxiety that went with it.

    I totally get your feeling that the menses are not into you, or me. I’ve been saying that for a couple years now. And that includes when I am fully made up and dressed to the nines. Maybe I need to dress like a ho ho ho – or a 17 year-old go go dancer going to homecoming in 2018? Not that I want them staring at me, but it IS weird when, all of a sudden, they stop.

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  21. Aw man, I wanted to see the dresser painted pink. Oh well . . . I’ve been thinking about painting a dresser of mine. I saw one online the other day that was black on the top, dark grey on the sides and a creamy white on the drawer fronts. Looked really good. The drawer pulls were pewter or silver. I want to try that.

    Great post – as usual. SO GLAD you’re back!!

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  22. Congratulations on having money left. That’s a great feeling. I had cataract surgery in August and couldn’t see up close well enough to put makeup on for a while. I, too, looked like I was pulled from the river and was terrified I’d run into someone I know. I’m able to see again now, and wear turquoise eyeliner on my lower lids only and have for years. You’d be surprised how many compliments I get on it.

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  23. I did not know Marvin left you when you were unemployed. Pure evil. It’s a miracle you speak to him.

    I am in awe of your financial prowess! You have kicked some serious butt in that area. I never tired of hearing about it, I appreciated your candor.

    I had blue eyeshadow I bought in a multi color Maybeline set I bought with some of my eighth grade graduation money in I973, at age 13. I doubt I wore it much, my father was not a fan of his young daughters and makeup. We had platform shoes and elephant bells (plazzo pants) and other cool stuff in the seventies. The music of the seventies was better as well.

    I did have the required perm twice in the eighties, years apart. My husband despised both of them and called me Fifi for the duration. Then he got one himself to deal with his thinning hair. Weird!

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  24. I’m so glad that happened for your bills! Do you think next month you’ll be calmer about it? There have been times I’m ok on the money front and times I’m desperate, and no matter what, I still panic when comes to bill time. I hope you never, ever have panicky bill times ever again!

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  25. Somehow I knew you would hate that dresser painted pink. I have the same haircut I’ve had since 1976 so what does THAT say about me?

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