ADD is--oooo, shiny! · Family

Pee-y’s Big Adventure

I honestly don’t even know where to start describing my trip to Michigan, so I’ll just comb through my photos and tell you everything that way. Does anyone have a comb in her back pocket I could use, a comb that you got at CVS (in 1979) that has your name on it?

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Why was this necessary in life?

…Thanks, Jill. Or Laurie. Or Tammy. No one from this generation is named Tammy. Or Karen. Our now-defunct names are the Mildreds of our generation.

I was at Hallmark on my trip. It was my mother’s birthday while I was there, and I know an organized person would have purchased a card beforehand, maybe even gotten a gift and wrapped it all up nicely or had it in a gift bag as you real women seem so wont to have on hand. What’s with y’all and the gift bags? Do you buy them in bulk, LaurieJillTammyKaren?

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Other people got me a card. I’m real disappointed in your org skills, honey.

Anyway, I was lucky I remembered pants and did not have to Porky Pig it to the Hallmark, there, to get my mother a card ON her actual birthday. I had to leave her in her high chair with her cake all over her to get a card. I had to leave her at Chucky Cheese. I had to blindfold her during pin the tail on the donkey and rush out while she couldn’t see me.

The point is, they had…something for sale there on display. The fact that I can no longer recall what is a good sign I didn’t even need to consider buying it. Anyway, whatever it was was personalized. Maybe…necklaces? Let’s say they were necklaces. Or mugs. Maybe giant thick marital aids with your name on them. I forget.

The point is, and I know I already said “the point is” and at this juncture, you’re telling me you really have to go,

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Look at the time, honey…

but the point is I swirled that display around to the Ks, and instead of my name, they had names like “Kaylen” and “Kafir” and “Krackajawa” but no…well, no NotJune.

Is there anyone out there who still thinks my name is June in real life? Let me get you some tea, Jill.

Oh my god, anyway. My trip.

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I like that Olay Microsculpting Cream but it also makes me Microshiny. We sent messages to Mars from my forehead later.
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Wayne’s Forest. Excellent. Party on.
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Even the lines to get to the bar are drunk.
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Where am I, near Mexico or Michigan? Dammit.

So as you know, from your Big Book of June Events, I traveled with the dog to Michigan this week, a now-12-hour drive that I broke up into two nights each way.

I’ve never understood people, mostly men, who want to know “which way did you take?” Why? Why do they wish to know this info? Also, I really never know. I’m just lucky I got here. In pants.

But I been living in North Carolina 11 years now, and I been driving home all that time. It always took 13 hours. This time it was less than 12. Or it would have been, had I not hit a terrifying rainstorm in the damn mountains. The Blue Ridge Mountains can suck it.

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In the past, what happened was, you leave North Carolina, which doesn’t take long — like an hour. And then you’re in Virginia and sure to get a ticket and FUCK YOU, VIRGINIA. YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A FUCK YOU CLAUS.

Anyway, at some point up there past North Carolina, you got you a road called 77, and your phone would say to you, “Take this road for 6,020 miles” and you were golden. I mean, you just drove straight ahead for a day.

But THIS time, my phone kept telling me to take this one road for 19 miles then this one other road for 30 then this road for…and imagine how insane my grandmothers would find me, my grandmothers Evelyn and Nita, who are the KarenJillTammys of their time. Imagine how insane I’d sound saying over and over again that my phone told me what to do. And also that I can’t remember pants.

So there must be a new route to Michigan or something, but to tell you the truth, I’d rather just take one road the whole way and be an hour later. It’s too stressful to be all, Wait. Do I need to be paying attention? Did MY PHONE not TELL me I need to take an exit soon? And is it on the damn right or the damn left?

Anyway, I got there, in record time with 200 different freeways behind me. And then the moment I got there, it started to snow.

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Thanks, world.

It was pretty, actually. And Edsel liked it. He was a perfect dog the whole trip. I don’t even know what he was up to. He didn’t woof ever, and didn’t act the fool, and I worried he wouldn’t poop the whole trip because he’s shy about dropping the Brown Lab off at the pool. But he pooped like a good poop boy!

I realize there isn’t a breed called “Brown Lab.” Now I’m like those people who say Golden Lab. If you ever want to get on my nerves, say “Golden Lab,” or also just exist.

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Aunt Kathy wonders why I’m such a bitch. Aunt Kathy speaks for our nation.

Anyway, I feel like I didn’t really cover much in the way of details, but as you know details are my strong suit, and what’s my job again? Speaking of which, I ought to get off this machine and into a shower, so I can attend said job and find the devil in the deets.

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god, you annoy

Talk to you tomorrow, when possibly I might make more sense, but let’s not bank on that.

Truthfully,
Joon

64 thoughts on “Pee-y’s Big Adventure

  1. Those people want to know which way you went so they can say “well, ya know. If ya’d justa took this road and switched to that one and bypassed over to another one, you’d have been there in half the time.” Those are the people who live their lives by knowing a secret route no one else knows.

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  2. Your mama and Aunt Kathy are looking good, beautiful in fact. I do love a good road trip. All the music, singing loudly, snacks, trying to race all the other cars, yelling at the d-bag drivers that don’t know what they are doing, beating my own best time to get somewhere. Yes, I am a joy to travel with.

    On the topic of odd family names I have an Uncle Jerry who married my Aunt Sherry. They then had my cousins Larry, Teri, and Gary. And no, no one ever believes that they really did this.

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  3. You are starting to look more like your mom. Lucky girl!

    I hate driving long distances, and I hate being in the car for more than 30 minutes because I always have to pee. I am completely impressed by your stamina. And your bladder control.

    As a Deborah/Debra/Deboruh, I too am in the old-lady-name-zone. And every time there is a Deborah on TV she is always overweight and annoying (so, spot on with the name, mom). Beths are always cute and thin. Karens always have nice hair (heehee) and Susans are always smart. If I was a Yvette, I would have been tall, thin and exceptionally mysterious.

    This is the first time Edsel had all the attention without any other animals, right? No wonder he was such a good boy. He got all the lovin.

    Welcome home. Damn. Just felt a little Joanna Gaines-ey.

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      1. I have to stop every two hours because neither SadieDog nor me can last longer than that and sometimes not even that long.

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  4. Another old name here. The weirdest thing ever was when my husband played golf with three other men who were married to Carols. I guess that name was popular in the mid century too.

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  5. My real name is mid century. There were two of us in my grade school and only one in my high school graduating class of four hundred plus. My siblings had seriously old fashioned names except the bay-bee with a flower child name. I had/have cousins named Linda, Lorraine, Lori and Larry (siblings), Larry and PattiJean and the rhymers, parents Wally and Dolly, kids, Holly, Wally and Doris (“Dolly’s” real name). Also Susan, Karen and Ellen, Butch (foget his real names) and Peggy, Debra and Barbara. One of the Larry’s is Buck or Bucky to this day although the other Larry died at 21 in 1981 in a fiery cseriousl
    . I only ever found a keychain with my name, those acrylic ones with the name in handwriting with a red rose on a beaded chain. Very 1960’s but the old fashioned farmer’s market stand in Pennsylvania Dutch land still sold them in the mid 1980’s.

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  6. Zooming in on the yellow sign next to Drunk Road Bar, I see you had the opportunity to turn right on Peachblow Rd. Mind is permanently boggled.
    Florence, whose real name was most popular in about 1914

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  7. Was this Edsel first trip to grandma’s house?
    My doll’s name was Karen. I cut her bangs. It was not pretty. And guess what? They never grew back.

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  8. I know it’s been said before but your mom and aunt Kathy are beautiful. As are you, Joob.
    Whenever you decide to go natural you’ll have that gorgeous silver to look forward to.
    There’s nothing better than a visit home, especially for a birthday.
    Eds was such a good boy. My Charley was a good road trip companion until the last few miles when his dogdar kicked in. Oh the hysterical excitement, yip yip yipping and bouncing around. Weez almost there!
    Great photos. The squiggly white lines are hilarious.

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  9. Old-fashioned names. Someone gave me a subscription to a girls’ magazine when I was a child, I guess so I’d learn to be an American teen of the 1920s. All I remember about it is reading stories about fictional friends named Polly, Agnes and Louise.

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          1. I still love the name Susan; I went to school with many cool Susans, and the precious doll my mother made me when I was 10 is named Susie (for a great aunt). But I used to work in an elementary school and I never met a single Susan/Sue/Susannah/Suzi/Swoozie there. Guess I’m old.

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            1. Only once in my life have I found a name tag with my name on it. And I still have it…the name tag and the name. Aside from my mother, I’ve met only one person my age with my name. All the others were old ladies. About fifteen years ago I worked at a middle school with a guidance counselor, receptionist, and four teachers named Susan. They were all born sometime between the late 40s to the early 70s. If you’re curious and have some time, go to ssa.gov and search for name popularity. Of the 100 most popular female names from 1918 to 2017, Susan ranks 7 and Karen is 11. June, Lily, and Iris didn’t make that list.

              Elsie, whose name was
              55th in the 1880s
              35th in the 1890s
              39th in the 1900s
              46th in the 1910s
              65th in the 20s when Mom was born
              111th in the 30s
              and has never since been in the top 200.

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    1. One of my sisters shares your name and, yes, she is mid-century modern. Oh, wait, we aren’t talking about furniture. She was a mid-century baby.

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  10. I’m sorry to admit that I could talk for hours about what route you took. I have no idea what my fascination is with driving routes but those are some of the funnest conversations I have with friends, family and customers. I always have my Big Book of June Ev…no, I mean my other big book…the Rand McNally Road Atlas handy for when these discussions pop up. I keep one in the car at all times cause you never know when you’re visiting with a stranger and discussion comes up about a road trip. I’m a very popular person when I go out to my car and grab my road atlas, I can tell. The look on peoples’ faces when I bring it in is of sheer delight. That last sentence was a lie, people look at me weird. I don’t mind cause I don’t have to look at their face when I got my Rand McNally Road Atlas with me.

    You’re so pretty, Joob! And good golly, Eds is so handsome in that picture. Handsome good boy.

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          1. I used to have a badass black cat named Random
            (…Acts of Violence and Destruction). He never atoned.

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    1. The GPS has made me stupid. Or more stupid than I already was, perhaps. I wish I had a Rand McNally Road Atlas so I’d have a better sense of where I was on a trip.

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  11. I think Virginia looks for out of state plates. Then they get you when you either have to show up to court or hire a lawyer to represent you. Also dont think that you can slide this ticket past your husband, he knew before I returned home because every asshole lawyer will mail you something saying they are the best and will represent you for a thousand dollars.
    Glad you got to go home with mom for her birthday.

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  12. I sort of like those shoes in the first picture. But I haven’t used a comb in 6 years, so I’ll skip that part of the wardrobe.

    Oh, and I used to be mad at my mother for giving me an unusual name. I wanted to be Pam or Karen or Linda, like everyone else in my 1st grade class. Belated shout-out to my mom for being right!

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    1. I was one of four Lisas in my class – and there were only 26 kids in my whole grade from 1st – 6th grade. My kids all got far less common names as a result – and they were always annoyed that they couldn’t ever find anything with THEIR name on it! The old greener grass and all that I guess! But now that they are naming their own kids they are choosing uncommon names, so I guess it wasn’t so bad!

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      1. The only other Karen in my elementary school, not that my name is Karen or anything, was this touched-in-the-head girl. I don’t know what was exactly wrong with her, but she was off. She also was large and had asthma.

        When it came to picking teams, we were always the last chosen, and the stupid dick athletic kids would look at us both, sigh and pick me with great reluctance.

        Touched Karen and I should have told them to fuck right off and played on the swings, ordered a little wine.

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        1. “touched” – made me laugh! And reminded me when several family members seemed to be touched my mother said they had the taint!

          I won’t even tell you how appalled my 20-something girls were when I repeated that reference…

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  13. Is Edsel telling the cats all about his road trip with you? “I goze with Mom and U didn’t.”

    So happy for you that you actually got to Michigan this time and not just to the Chicago airport. The new WillWeGetYouThere airlines motto, “If you want to get to your destination, drive.”

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        1. No; I was just enjoying the Ls. Didn’t your mom always say the wrong name, because you were both Ls? Asks the person who always gets the flower name wrong when yelling at her cats.

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  14. Reading your not blog first thing is like a caffeine jolt without all the annoying accoutrements like, you know, COFFEE. Love it and the trip deets.

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  15. You are so right, you will get a ticket in VA. So glad you had a good trip. Maybe Edz had grown up, maybe not.
    Tee

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    1. My favorite part of your trip was having you here with us. The next best thing was finding chestnuts. Edsel was a wonderful houseguest. He is a very good boy.

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