...friend/Ned · Film · I am berserk · I am high-maintenance · Not Grace Kelly

From underneath Laila Ali

Current situation: My tight-fitting Laila Ali dryer bonnet is atop my head. I’ve got fresh coffee in my favorite mug (for local folk: It’s one of those really thick ones from The Green Bean) and I DID have a dog snout in my lap till just now, when I snapped at my computer.

Does your computer…BOUNCE things at you at the bottom of the screen? First of all, why does everything need updating ALL THE TIME on one’s computer? Surely these aren’t all necessary.

The other day, I finally acquiesced to the CONSTANT bouncing request to update something or other, and after having to shut everything down and wait, then click a bunch of shit to get back on again, once all that was done and I could commence using my computer again, do you know what it did?

It asked if I wanted it to check for updates. Something at the bottom of my screen BOUNCED at me to ask. So you know what I did? I said okay. After being unable to use my computer for 40 minutes so everything could update, I wanted the satisfaction of that damn bouncing thing saying, Sorry. I bounced for no reason. Sorry I’m Tigger.

But you know what happened instead? IT TOLD ME I NEEDED UPDATES.

I HAD JUST UPDATED IT JUST THEN THAT MOMENT.

Goddammit.

So that’s why Edsel took his snout away just now. I just got all set up here at my desk when

BOUNCE

went two, not one but two, things at the bottom of my screen.

“WHAT,” I snapped, and Edsel has left the lap of luxury. He fears my moods.

I guess in general, I hate being interrupted. I assume this has to do with my attention deficit problem, in that I have a deficit of attention. So once you pull me away from something, I get highly irritated because I know it’s going to be difficult for me to get back where I was. It’s, like, all I can do to stay focused in the first place and now you’re pulling me away to say, “How was your weekend?”

The open floor plan at work vexes me. Can you tell?

Anyway, so I’m back in the swing of everything, if you want to call this swinging. I got to work and had exactly what I like, actually. A ton of stuff due in a just-a-bit-scary-but-doable amount of time, no one rushing in to tell me to set that aside to tackle ANOTHER scary thing, and also there was free dessert from some meeting. So.

Then at night, I went to my old movie theater and saw Rear Window.

Isn’t this like the 20th time you’ve seen Rear Window at that theater, June?

Actually, no. The last time I had planned to go, with Ned, and at the last minute I had a crisis du jour and told him I had to cancel. An hour later, my crisis was averted, and I phoned Ned and he wasn’t there.

This was back in like year one or two, when I still liked Ned and I did not know the way of his people, such as he is a

PIT

BULL

about plans. He makes a plan, he sticks with said plan. So what did he do? He went to Rear Window without me.

Oooooo, I was mad. I guess I’d wanted him to stay home worried sick about my crisis. Or dash over and help. But instead he just went to the movie. Like in Family Circus, where the gramma does stuff but with the outline of deceased grandpa.

download

That was the day I Jack Ruby’d Ned.

I TORE down to the movie theater, and I WAITED outside till it was over, and oooooo, I was burning mad. I should have known then how Ned would be the whole relationship. June? I can take her or leave her. June is French dressing.

Anyway, once people started milling out of the theater, Ned said I BURST into the crowd like Jack Ruby, out of nowhere and full of rage.

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I didn’t shoot him, though. I just scowled and complained.

I remember Ned calmed me down by saying, “Every time Grace Kelly was on the screen, I thought about you.” That line totally worked on me, and I am with you on the “Bitch, please” you’re uttering right now. What can I tell you? I was smitten.

Anyway, I saw it last night, the movie I mean, not Jack Ruby, and why is Grace Kelly so perfect? Why am I not her? Grace Kelly would never sit in the front seat of her car and eat Long John Silvers.

I have to go to work, and this new 8 a.m. start time is like to kill me. But before I do, I wanted to share with you this.

You’re welcome.

From out of the crowd,
Joon

38 thoughts on “From underneath Laila Ali

  1. I’m older than you so references make sense to me. Jack Ruby story was hilarious. But the reason I got onto comment was because of the Edsel/Streisand photo comparison. Love it!

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  2. I was also at the screening of Rear Window. I love that movie and theatre. I wish I had run into you.
    Grace Kelly was perfect!

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  3. Great post, Miss June!
    I have a recipe from my Great Aunt Gladys for homemade French dressing that is so damn good. It is the only French dressing worth eating imho. I need to go make a new batch of that
    stuff now that I am thinking about it.

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  4. I have a bottle of Great Value French dressing that I picked up at Walmart for my neighbor who was dying of breast cancer. She passed bfore I gave it to her, by the time I got it she was no longer eating. She swore it was great. It’s cheap so not a great loss if it’s not. It’s darker orange and says creamy. It’s a month out of date, I will have to toss it. She will be gone a year next month. I love Russian, very hard to find. It’s all Thousand Island now. I will eat French in a pinch.

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  5. Hilarious post! The Jack Ruby reference…flump. Actually, I remember that incident in real time. It was shocking! I think that happened on a Sunday (I just Googled, it did happen on Sunday, November 24, 1963). My family was glued to the TV with all the coverage of the assassination of President Kennedy. That type of news coverage was something we had never seen before. Yes, I am old.

    Oh my goodness, UPDATES!!!! They.drive.me.nuts. If all you youngsters are frustrated, you can imagine how frustrating it is to us senior citizens. ADD…you should see me when I clean house. It looks like an explosion in a mattress factory. I jump from one project to another, because I go from room to room seeing stuff that needs to be done and I get distracted and start new projects all over the house. Being like this and trying to work in an open office is a nightmare, even in a cubicle, you can STILL hear all the conversations around you. I love the new header. Is that Lu’s footprint? Your comments with The Poet, hilarious.

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  6. One of your best posts. How did you think of that Streisand picture? Perfect. Also the Jack Ruby. That deserves some serious usage.

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        1. If Ms. Streisand had Edsel’s ears, she’d look like Frodo Baggins. Or wait, it was the elves with the pointy ears, right? I only watch the movies when the family puts in the DVD and I’m too lax to leave the room. Never mind.

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    1. First of all, I am so headed down there to How Was Your Weekend you tout suite.

      Secondly, POET, I feel like maybe some people enjoy the distraction, or sincerely enjoy people or some awful shit like that.

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  7. Love the photos of Eds and Babs. And I have had those stinkin’ updates really mess me up. One time an update deleted all my bookmarks and all stored passwords I had for various sites. I’m still mad about that.

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  8. French dressing vexes me. There’s French and there’s Catalina French. The French is the light orange radioactive liquid. Catalina is the dark orange goop. I always ask the server if the French dressing is light orange or dark orange. Light orange is disgusting but the dark orange Catalina rocks with a good ranch dressing. And when one has a lisp like I do and I order a little ranch and a little French on the side, that’s fun for the server to hear. Not. I just made myself hungry.

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    1. Just the other night, I ordered delivery from a very bad Italian restaurant that delivers (Motto: It’s Near June), and on the menu online one of the choices for my (iceberg) salad was French dressing. I was so excited to trip through time, so I ordered it. Then they called me. “Yeah, we don’t have French dressing.”

      WHY LIST IT, THEN? Was this an online menu from 1976? Had they thrown it on there to see if anyone called their bluff?

      In the end, I got bleu cheese.

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      1. I’m gonna try and work “In the end, I got bleu cheese” into all of my conversations today. Which may be zero since I am home alone with husband and he seems to hide in the basement most of the day.

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      2. French dressing on iceberg lettuce has suddenly become the thing to do out here in the best restaurants. I have no idea why, but it’s very “in” again.

        I, too, am easily manipulated with a compliment. Once someone learns that about me, they don’t have to do much work to get back in my good graces.

        I wish men wore hats again. Don’t they all look smart and handsome(ish)? So much better than those stupid baseball caps.

        Great post, Joon. Thank you for updating and bouncing all around.

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    1. I was way too busy being mad. It’s funny how at the beginning of a relationship, things seem like little quirks, but once it’s over, every tiff was a metaphor for the entire relationship.

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  9. I have always wanted to be relaxed and unconcerned about various things in relationships, but am not that way naturally. In the 32 years I’ve been with my Mr. what I have finally learned to do is make it appear as though I’m quite casual. I do this by privately stomping, steaming, threatening, and going on, so that by the time I actually lay eyes on him, I’m quite laissez faire.

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    1. You should have SEEN Grace Kelly last night, arguing with Jimmy Stewart, who did not deserve her, about why they should get married. She was so cool and her pearls never jiggled. I’d have thrown a pot at his head. Why so single, Jooob?

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