Aging ungracefully · Health · June's stupid life · Marvin

Portret van June Gardens

I watch a lot of YouTube videos because any time I don’t know how to do something around the house, I just YouTube it. Once I watched a video titled, “How to take down a ceiling fan and replace it with a light,” and the whole video was a guy replacing a ceiling fan with another ceiling fan, and also not telling you to turn off the power first. So I’m not saying it’s always a stellar solution.

The point is, you’ve no idea how often YouTube tutorials start off, “Hey, guys.”

This makes me disproportionately furious. Hey, guys! Oh, shut up.

So, hello. Is what I’m saying. Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? …Why?

I thought I’d recap my weekend for you, which includes barf, so why did you come here, again?

FRIDAY

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On Friday night, because the world was my oyster and I’m living that swinging single life, I prepared my house to paint it Saturday morning. I’m not saying that I painted my house, just the living room. As I was moving shit around, I found this photo of me at a museum, lookin’ at a Calder. I guess this was before I figured out that modern art annoyed me.

I wonder if my parents went there to add to their collection of horrifically depressing art.

Anyway, I took pictures down, I filled nail holes, I scooched furniture, and generally by the end of it was in a mood. I believe I had popcorn for dinner and went to bed.

SATURDAY, or, if you’re something of an ass, CATURDAY

IMG_0122.jpegIMG_0120.jpegIMG_0132.jpegThe day dawned with Mr. Obsession obsessing over my every move while I tried to find the painter’s tape, the paint tray, the PAINT, the–OH MY GOD EDSEL GET A HOBBY.

Just when I said that, he came in here and began today’s baleful staring. I guess his hobby is whitening his face. Is he into kabuki theater, or what’s going on with that?

Dear June,
Maybe you could come up with a new line beyond that kabuki one.

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Anyway, I’d like to tell you I went crazy with the before and afters, but I was busy. To sum it up, the walls were beige and now they’re Alabaster.

Ooooo, I forgot one crucial thing! Careful readers will recall that I always go to Sherwin Williams, namely because the whippersnapper of color who works there and seriously I think lives there is hot hot hotty hot hot. Oh my god. I can’t tell how old he is, but somewhere between Jail and I Should Be Ashamed.

On Friday, I strolled in there for drop cloths–and I guess I didn’t cover the TV or the terrible pink dresser and oh my god, let’s fix that dresser–but the POINT is, I walked in Friday and he said, “Heyyyy! I know you!”

I mean.

I know maybe it’s because I PAINT CONSTANTLY and am my own Eldon, but it was still exciting to be recognized by a hot whippersnapper.

I had to return there Saturday, or if you continue to be assy, Caturday, SANS makeup or shower or anything, and I prayed to god he’d have the day off but he LIVES there, I’m assuring you.

Anyway he was still nice to me even though our 70 years’ difference was incredibly apparent. Hey, Russel Crowe.

I was trying to think of someone who always looks puffy.

Hey, country guy who hosts that one talent show people think is cute but to me, he just looks like a guy I went to high school with that I run into at a bad bar.

What’s that guy’s name? I can see him but have no idea. Those talent shows do nothing for me. I enjoy highbrow entertainment such as The Real Housewives.

Anyway, here.

White living room, now with terrible pink dresser!

First of all, I’m tempted to just mount the TV. I’ve been single a long time. Bah. No, I mean, why do I need a whole clunky thing there anyway? But I need the dresser in general, cause I don’t know if you’ve creepy-crawled my place in your spare time, but it’s not what you’d call roomy.

What did mill workers in the ’30s do with all their DVDs and workout t-shirts? Which is what those drawers have. I wish I knew some, like, organizer, who could come make better use of my tiny space.

I wonder what she’d say about the 700 books in the kitchen cupboard.

Anyway, after the paint was dry and everything was put back, I went out for awhile, even had a glass of wine. And here’s my problem. I don’t drink much wine anymore because it’s Russian roulette for me. You never know when it’ll give me a migraine.

Well.

SUNDAY
I woke up in the middle of the night, and man was I sick. I had a migraine, a bad one, and I was violently ill. Oh, it was not welcome news.

I had this friend who was on a dating site, and he’d dated this woman for a few weeks till he got a message ON THE DATING SITE, from the woman’s FIANCE. He said finding out they were dating was “not welcome news” and I always loved the understatedness of that term, despite the fucking stalking abilities of that fiance.

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Ugh. In case you’re wondering, though, that Thayer’s Witch (soundths like I’m lithping) Hazel is good, but don’t do what I did and get it in cucumber scent. I wanted it to be that delightful fake cucumber but it smells like, you know, a cucumber.

I spent a great deal of Sunday recovering from that awfulness. The migraine, not the buying cucumber witch hazel.

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Everyone was willing to lie around with me, and Edsel was able to meet his goal of staring at me for at least 70 hours this weekend.

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Milhous: do she alwayz barf? Iris: fek off

Also, Sunday was Marvin-my-ex-husband’s birthday.

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Finally, I rallied enough to go out and get a cheap throw for my new chair that the cats can’t seem to get enough of. Also, I got root spray because the last time I had my hair professionally colored was August, and I look like Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment when Deborah Winger is dying.

Dear June:
Maybe you could get a new line for when your roots are bad.

Did anyone see D Winger being rude to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live? Does she not realize the entire world is on his side?

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Anyway, I also got new slippers, and on Instagram I wrote, “New slippers, who dis?” and fell in love with self all over again.

Then as the evening drew to a close I once again got out the Google Art app and someone needs to do an intervention. As usual, I was not pleased.

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Goddammit
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Goddammit (June-hair edition)
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GODDAMMIT (Agnes Morehead as an old lady edition)

So I switched angles.

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God. DAMN. IT.

I gotta update my profile.

More hilarious humor and toilet shots on the next Bye Bye June’s Book.

72 thoughts on “Portret van June Gardens

  1. They used to yell, “Hey you guys!” on some kids show, perhaps The Electric Company? It feel very Philly slang to me so I don’t mind it, among my contemporaries. I do prefer the mams I get now from youngins. Get off my lawn and respect my authority (South Park) , etc.

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  2. I saw Debra Winger on WWH with Andy and I was shocked at her behavior as well. She was a rotten guest and now I am much less a fan. Her long acting hiatus was probably the delight of many.

    I don’t mind the pink dresser with the alabaster walls but the lavender idea appeals to me too.

    So sorry about the barfing. It IS the absolute worst.

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  3. I am so impressed with your painting ability. You truly are a woman of many talents. I love the SW Alabaster.
    Sorry about the barfing. At least you got a cuddling-with-the-pets day out of it.

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  4. I am so behind that I just decided to read all of the posts that I haven’t had time to read, ignoring all of that work sitting at my feet, waiting. So. I thought I should explain, in case you have been worried sick.

    I love the paint! Eds is adorable. Sorry about the unfortunate barfing and migraine. So excited to read your stuff again! I missed you so much!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  5. Those headshots of you are really pretty and romantic and timeless. The artwork– nothing like you. Google Arts fail. Oh, also, in one of the other photos, that dresser looks more lavender, and looks great with the green chair. Maybe a dusky lavender dresser? Happy Birthday to Marvin, who probably thinks you barfed in honor of his birthday. And for a fourth subject within one paragraph, I also HATE “Hey, guys.” Especially when it comes from a young kid talking to a couple of older ladies.

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  6. Great post. So sorry you had a barfy headache. That is the pits. The new paint looks really good. I haven’t read any of the comments, so this might be about the 987645 time this has been suggested, paint the dresser the color of the red flowers in your rug. Loved all the photos of the animals.

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  7. Apropos of nothing, I saw an ad for rod iron table and chairs for sale on NextDoor this morning and immediately thought of how much you would love that ad.

    You’re welcome.

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  8. “Heyyyy! I know you!”
    I assume your response was, “But you don’t KNOW me, do you, Benjamin?” and then deep throat laugh sexily, while caressing a plastic tarp roll.

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  9. F’n migraines. I lost Saturday to mine. No Caturdays in my house … all nine cats stay in the barn. Anyhoo, I love chocolate peanut butter ice cream, it is to die for, but am beginning to suspect it’s one of the things that bring on the migraines that don’t go away with medication (thus the lost day). And that, my friend, would be just plain sad. it would require self-discipline — if only I knew for sure. -Kate

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  10. I’m always delighted to go down memory lane with your parents horrific artwork. Though you know I have the Trova at Pace piece myself (it’s how we first connected), it’s no longer hanging on my walls. I’ve kind of moved on to stuff that’s more fun or classic in nature… red tulips, baroque mirrors, cottage-y stuff, vintage pottery, etc.

    Also, so sorry about the dresser. I was in the ‘don’t paint’ crowd. Could you just refinish it back? It grounds your room colors by being darker, along with the TV, in that place as you look around the room. If there’s a fireplace, it would be great to unearth it, but sounds like a job for professionals to investigate and execute.

    And, Eldon…

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      1. The same tiny June staring at the ceiling in the art museum reminds me of another Eldon episode where he was commissioned to paint a mural in the art museum and was staring at the completely white ceiling in the completely white room. Soon the room is crowded with art snobs oohing and awing at the white ceiling and white room, each interpreting what the artist was trying to convey. Then someone spotted the light switch and again they all tried to interpret the meaning. And it all began with tiny June staring at the ceiling.

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    1. This photo would look awesome if it was enlarged, cropped on the left side, and framed and hung. It’s a wonderful picture, and should be one you could enjoy every day.

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  11. The not cute country guy is Blake Shelton. (I’m assuming you were referring to The Voice.) He’s even less cute when compared to Adam Levine (also on the show), so that’s very unfortunate for him.

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  12. They have a YouTube video on how to use a post-it note! I actually watched it and learned a thing or two! That pink dresser makes me sad!

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  13. I’m sorry you barfed.
    Your painted room looks so nice! Your house is darling! Is that bump-out, where your pink dresser and tv are, really a covered up fireplace? If so, yay for you because someday you could open that up, but also it makes hanging a tv tricky. Your current set up looks great! Not that you asked for my input.
    Happy birthday to Marvin!

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          1. You work with the previous owner, right? I wonder if she knows what’s going on behind that sheetrock. Maybe there’s a structural reason they covered it up. Hopefully they were thinking that they just didn’t neeeeed another adorable fireplace. Look at me all Nancy Drewing your fireplace sitch.

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              1. Well NOW we’ve got an archaeological dig situation! Someone could have been HIDING something back there!! Ooooo! Am Venmo-ing you 11 billion dollars tout suite!

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          2. It will probably cost eleven billion dollars at first, but then, when you get it all opened up you’ll discover that you have a bad case of flue dwelling weasels or something.
            That’s when the costs will start going up.
            It would be so cool, though.

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      1. Ask the delightful lady next door if she knows who covered it up, when, and why. She’s lived in the neighborhood forever, perhaps. If she hasn’t, then maybe one of the other long-time residents on your street might remember.

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  14. When I saw Edsel’s picture (oh when did his snout get so white? sad face) this is what floated through my mind. You’re welcome
    Drink to me only with thine eyes,
    And I will pledge with mine;
    Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
    And I’ll not look for wine.
    The thirst that from the soul doth rise
    Doth ask a drink divine;
    But might I of Jove’s nectar sup,
    I would not change for thine.

    That Edsel is amazing.

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  15. That art app definitely needs an image bank which includes art from museums other than the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. Or maybe it keyed into your (perhaps nonexistent) Dutch heritage.

    I apologize for having been one of your readers who recommended the unfortunate pink for the dresser.

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      1. Well, now you have another excuse to visit the hot whippersnapper of color at Sherwin Williams. Show him the photos of the rug and chairs and ask his opinion.

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  16. Sorry about the migraine and barfing. Edz’s earz match your pink dresser. Maybe you should ask YHMOCaSW what color he would paint a dresser.

    A few years ago, British James showed me via YouTube how to take apart and fix my clothes dryer. And no, British James isn’t a sexy British kind of James; more like a probably-mucks-around-in-the-fields-in-his-wellies kind of British James. But still. Dryer worked for another year and a half.

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  17. Every time I see today’s header picture, I hum “Come and knock on our door”. Thank you for making my Monday morning happy! Wonderful blogging this morning, June.

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  18. It is my understanding, because, you know, I have the pulse of Hollywood and all the Celebs (eyeroll), that Debra Winger is always rude, always demanding and is just generally impossible. Also, 1985 called.

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  19. Ok now that arty app is just being mean. I always without fail run into my best looking friends when I go to the store without makeup and in my sweats. Or my sweat. I have down that too.

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  20. When you said you barfed, I couldn’t help think of Peg. She had to be laughing that she wasn’t the only cause of your barfing. Well, maybe not laughing, but at least smiling.

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  21. Edsel is truly enamored of you. I wish I had someone who looked at me with such adoration in his eyes. Larry generally looks annoyed, because he knows I’m going to ask him to kill a centipede or put the holiday decorations back in the attic. Marriage is so romantic!

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    1. YOU JUST REMINDED ME!

      On paint day, before migraine day, I went to my garage to look for something, and in there was a wooly caterpillar. He was so cute, and I leaned over and told him he was so cute, and then I found whatever it was I was looking for (it is me?) and splackle. Stepped on that wooly caterpillar.

      It’s been haunting me all weekend. I feel terrible.

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  22. I just realized I never had “Sunday.” I mean, there was a subhead in this post for Friday and Saturday, and then I just delved into Sunday. I fixed it, though, because attention to detail.

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  23. Oh my god. I’ve been obsessed with watching YouTube videos and the “Hey guys!” openers annoy annoy annoy. It’s equally annoying when I need to figure out how to do something and the person on the other side of the video is a nine year old girl. There’s nothing I need to learn bad enough to have a nine year old teach me.

    Thanks for the Murphy Brown reference. I have the World’s Slowest Painter working at my house right now and my “why are you still here Eldon?” greeting goes unappreciated.

    Your paint job looks fabulous! Hope today is a better day for your head. And the rest of you, too!

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