June's stupid life

The one where June goes to the store the day before Thanksgiving

If you ever want to irk me, go ahead and be a fussy coffeepot.

My regularly scheduled one, at my old house, 

(aw, old house)

died right when I moved. So I went to a kitchen store (who knew there was such a thing) and got a Cusinart little teensy coffee pot on sale

(aw, new house) and guess what. 

It’s fussy. You have to have the LID on just so. You have to have the filter in just so. Half the time I get out the shower and it hasn’t worked at all, or has made an inch of coffee and gotten ennui. This does not work with my executive lifestyle.

Speaking of which, I’m going to attempt to stop talking to you early enough that I can scream to the store before work. I have to get bread and cheese and wine, as that is the hard-hitting stuff I’m bringing to my Thanksgiving tomorrow. How the hell do you display cheese? I’m never good at it. It always looks like Frankenstein hacked at it with this hand.

I also have to drive to Tibet after work to cat-sit for my friend who is quickly moving down to B-list. Oh my god she lives far away. Why didn’t she hire a dang cat-sitter? I look forward to her return, when she reads me complaining about her and kicks my ass. The good news is, she’ll have to drive all the way over from Tibet and won’t be able to do much as she will be exhausted.

I can hear cat playing while I type, and little chirps I assume are coming from Milhous.

Milhous: millhaws bring lyfe to hawse
Lily: Lillee gots a little black book, with her pomes in.
Milhous: We form gang. Beet Eyeriss azz.
Lily: Lillee offend. How you eben suggest…
Milhous: millhaws form OWN gang, then. kik yer azzz too.
Lily: okay. lileee be in yur gang.

The only one not having a play FESTIVAL is Iris, who is misunderstood and in her room listening to The Cure. Won’t you enjoy my current musical references?

All right, I’d better go to the store, which ought to be a relaxing time. The store nearest me is the one my old reading-tutor student referred to as The Ghetto Lion, when that man approached her one day while we were TRYINA STUDY to brag about how he managed the Food Lion on [insert street near me here]. “That’s the Ghetto Lion,” she said, dismissing him in one sentence.

I wish I had that kind of bitchiness in me.

We feel like you DO have that kind of bitchiness in you, Joooon.

Oh, fek off.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Oooo, let’s do our thing where you send me photos of your holiday.

Email me (junegardens16@gmail.com) with THANKSGIVING as your email subject line so I can find it in all my emails. If you don’t, I won’t find it, won’t put your picture up, and you’ll send me that sad emoji and I will have to drive over and kill you because you know how I feel about emojis.

Then in the email, send the photo, your first name (or your name when you comment on my blog) and where in the world you are.

One time I did this, and people started sending me photos that read, “Bathsheba, in my kitchen.”

I MEAN WHAT CITY, BATHSHEBA.

June, out.

44 thoughts on “The one where June goes to the store the day before Thanksgiving

  1. Oh! Just learned through Instagram (which I don’t read much) that June is back, and it was worth spending a good chunk of time catching up with the new posts, which are witty and entertaining as always. Thank you, June!

    I’m writing to point out that it’s OK to say no when someone asks something that isn’t very reasonable (like driving FORTY minutes to cat-sit — what?!?).

    My signature links to a Lifehack article called “5 Reasons Why It’s Okay to Say No” that I think you should read… Especially this part:

    “Life flows, it moves and it progresses whether you say no or not. You can spend the rest of your life hurrying, fast-tracking and running around because you say yes all the time…

    Or you can spend your life relaxing, moving at a gentle pace and savoring every minute because you say no to the things that don’t really matter.

    It’s your call. Live the life you want! Make your own destiny. It can all start if you realize that it’s okay to say no.”

    Of course a friend who needs cat-sitting wouldn’t qualify as “things that don’t really matter” but does it matter that it was YOU, a person who has to drive that far do to the favor? I don’t think so.

    I say no 50% of the time a friend asks me for a favor, and surprise, they still like me. I’m sure they’d like me less if I was saying yes 80% of the time because I’d be more helpful but way more stressed and grumpier around then.

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  2. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
    Just for the record Triscuits are delicious, I had no idea that I could bring a spreadable cheese and eat the wicker!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. You had me at a series of pet pictures that you hi-lariously caption. No really, you do and did. It wasn’t your milkshake that brought me to the Gardens yard. It was Lu and Eds and grrrrr, akc!!! why can’t I remember kitty cat’s name, crap!! and a series of photos and captions that you posted with Eds and Lu rrrwahring in the grass and the cat sitting on the air conditioner or window or table by the house. Steve’s wife Beth found the post for me once. And by the way, google fucking “bye bye pie talu eds cat” is absolutely fruitless finding a particular post. I think every single post you ever wrote came up. The name is on the tip of my tongue. WINSTON!!!!!!! I think it was Winston!! Ima google fucking same thing and add Winston’s name now!!

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  4. This post was non-stop funny–thank you!! Been having some dark days (also literally–fucking time change).
    Ennui!
    Ghetto Lion!

    I lived in DC for a year and the choices of supermarket were Social Safeway or Soviet Safeway.

    Mil in da Hous!

    I had an electric kettle I loved. When it died, I was bummed but ordered another one of the same. It also died. I eventually looked up the warranty info and it had a one-year warranty. It died at exactly THIRTEEN MONTHS. Both times. Yeah. I didn’t re-order. Got a different one that I don’t like as much, but I think it’s lived for about a year and a half so far, so…

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  5. June, you are overthinking the bread, cheese and wine. No one really cares after the first person digs in. Set out your plate and BE that first person and no one will know the difference. Thanksgiving is about the conversation, gravy and the pie selection.

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  6. A fussy coffee pot is unacceptable appliance behavior. I feel the same way about my food processor. Everrrrything must be aligned just so, then I have to whisper prayers and sprinkle fairy dust and HOPE it feels like working that day. Unacceptable!
    I’m excited to see everyone’s Thanksgiving pictures! That was one of my favorite posts you did years ago.
    Lovely post, June!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. And it will feel like half of India is in there and trying to line up at the registers. This doesn’t make any sense since the comments are now posted most recent first.
    But there ya go.

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  8. Get one of those cheese platters in the deli, if the Ghetto Lion has a deli. Problem solved. At least it’s not the Murder Lion, there is a Murder Kroger and a Ghetto Kroger in Atlanta. Beverly can tell us all about it. Loved all the videeeoooos and photos of the pets. I made pumpkin pies yesterday, fake pecan pies (butter, brown sugar and pecans on graham crackers and baked), and spiced pecans. I’m getting off easy this year. My husband is going to smoke a turkey tomorrow and then we are driving 50 miles north to my niece’s home.

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  9. I would be completely happy with bread, cheese, and wine for Thanksgiving dinner. Or any dinner really.

    Lovely post, June

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  10. Lovely post Juan.

    I couldn’t comment yesterday but I almost exclusively read you on my phone, in my car, in the parking lot of work before I go in. It starts my day off in such a happy way.

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  11. Lovely post!
    I’ll be very thankful that tomorrow is the day I’ll finally be allowed to wear eye make up again. I am sure everyone that had to look at me the past few days feels the same!

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  12. Slice the bread and throw in a napkin-lined bowl. Slap the cheese on a small cutting board and stick a knife in it. Drink the wine. This is why I don’t entertain. Or get invited places. Plan is working beautifully.

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  13. When I was a kid, we would often visit my Aunt Evelyn. Aunt Evelyn had bright red hair and an assortment of exotic and rescue cats during her life. She and Uncle Ed had no children, so their home was spotless and very fancy, at least to my child’s eyes. I remember the glass bevel-paned door to the living room and the black TV console with the closing tambour doors. I remember her well-stocked skirted makeup table and fancy little matching chair. (Stay with me, here comes my point now:) Aunt Evelyn would serve little blocks of assorted cheeses, and each little block would have a stuffed pimento olive or a mini gherkin pickle on top. She would spear them with a ruffled toothpick and arrange them on small plates. And that, dear June, is how you display cheese, if you are an eccentric cat-loving red-headed woman living in a pre-war apartment in NYC in the sixties.

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  14. I go with the “cracker cut” slices o’ cheese and tilt them like fallen dominoes, alternating rows of cheese and rows of crackers.

    OK, VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: How do I know that my always-runs-for-a-couple-of-hours-in-the-morning-and-throughout-the-day-and-is-clear-and-watery runny nose is not, in fact, a cerebrospinal fluid leak?? I figure this audience will know.

    OTHER VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: What kind of wine?

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    1. If you have lost any cerebrospinal fluid YOU KNOW because your head hurts WORSE THAN A MIGRAINE and the only way to cope with the bumps while someone drives you to the hospital is to put your head between your ankles and pretend you’re riding an elephant. YOU WOULD KNOW.

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    2. LaUral, you have allergies. I know this because I also have the “always-runs-for-a-couple-of-hours-in-the-morning-and-throughout-the-day-and-is-clear-and-watery” thing going on and a couple shots of Flonase up my beak stops it. And yes, it’s stupid to have allergies in November, but I have them nonetheless. Also, I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.

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    3. Oh my god, LaUral! I worried about the very same thing last winter. (I saw an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, the one where Bailey diagnosed a man with a cerebrospinal fluid leak . I worried even more when I had small nose bleeds along with the runny nose thing. I don’t watch that show anymore. Or any other medical show.

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  15. Beautiful pets June. Milhous is such a muffin. For the cheese plate, get some nuts, grapes and dried figs and or apricots. A brie, a Bleu and a fancy cheddar or Gouda. Put the cheeses on the board and fill in the blanks with the fruits and nuts. Officially fancy.

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  16. The biege boys, Edsel and Milhouse! I loved the video and the commetery on the phphotos. Kick azzz. Snort.
    I did a cheese, pepperoni and cracker platter at my friend’s party for her. It came out very well and I shocked her. I am not crafty. I sliced the cheese and meat and alternated it in a circle with the crackers, kind of fanned out. I hope that helps.

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