Aging ungracefully · Health · June's stupid life

Pat Nixon is my spirit animal

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how shud lille no?

What day is this? Thursday? Yeah. I think it’s Thursday. Is this week taking forever, or is it just me?

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I get good light in my little millhouse, which houses Milhous. At my old house, I could never really see the sunrise or sunset, not to sound too Fiddler on the Roof about it.

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But now in the morning I can see the sunrise from the back of the house, and at night the sunset at the front.

IS THIS THE LITTLE GIRL I CARRRRR-RIED; IS THIS THE LITTLE BOY AT PLAYYYYYYY?

Why do I know those lyrics?

When I was in high school, my best friend was way into musicals. It was awful. I remember being at her house on summer afternoons and she’d play these horrendous musicals (redundant) on this tiny 1960s record player (her parents didn’t have a lot of money) and I’d have my Walkman on, listening to some ZZ Top.

I should probably not admit the ZZ Top part. She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.

Profound lyrics. I guess Paul McCartney’s wife would not appreciate those lyrics, but otherwise…

Anyway, maybe when I wasn’t going crazy for a sharp-dressed man some of those musicals seeped into my consciousness.

My best friend had the cutest parents. She’d been a surprise. Her brothers and sisters were like 10 years older and so on. So her parents had been in WWII. My GRANDPARENTS had been in WWII.

And oh my god, the food. Her mom made stuff from scratch every night. They canned things. And there was always too much, a thing I took advantage of forthwith. I was over there a lot, and my best friend’s brother and I would think of all the euphemisms for poop we could. You know I enjoy a poop joke.

Just the other week, when I was in Michigan, my Uncle Bill taught me UFO: unidentified floating object. See. Even as I write this, I am giggling like an idiot.

I am 53 years old.

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And apparently, my inner adult, which rears its head nonce, is Pat Nixon. On the inside, I’m Pat Nixon. She was so dignified, standing there while her husband did that weird peace sign thing. She was so coiffed.

Maybe Pat Nixon is my spirit animal.

Oooo, that reminds me. Last night I dreamed foxes and bears were chasing me. I always got away, but at one point they caught a Lab, and the Lab’s owner wrestled the Lab away.

Interpretation, please. Thank you.

Today is my mammogram, and if you’ve been here for, you know, 11 years or anything, you know this is not my favorite. It’s not a day I anticipate, like, say, April Fool’s Day or something great like that.

I just wanna get in there, get m’test, get the letter saying all is well. That’s all I want. I tried to find a place that gives you same-day results, but there aren’t any locally.

Anyway, other than that, other than the part where I am horrified, nothing is new. Oooo, my new glasses get here today, but now that two weeks have passed since I ordered them, I hope they’re not too Elton John.

“Ten minutes at Elton John’s and you’re gay as a maypole.” Name that movie.

I gotta go to work. Pat Nixon didn’t have to work. I mean, she had to First Lady, but whatever. How hard is that?

So I’ll go. But I know. I’ll think of you each step of the wayyyyyy.

But before I go, I wanted to ask you: Is there anything from your past that you swear existed that no one else can remember? Like, the other day, when I mentioned my grandmother, I said in the comments that she had this souvenir, one of 3949492292040048344849293 knickknacks she owned.

It was a phoenix or a roadrunner. My uncle lived in Arizona and she’d visit. Anyway, it wasn’t very large, maybe the size of your hand. But you could open it up, and inside there was–I swear–a Native American wedding going on INSIDE THE BIRD, as you do. And I think the whole thing was sparkly inside.

I mean, she had this tchotchkec circa 1973 and I haven’t seen it since she died in 1985. But NO ONE remembers it but me.

I also swear there was a harmonica you could get at McDonald’s, shaped like a cheeseburger with a bite taken out of it. Can’t find it on the Google.

Am I making these up? Is Pat Nixon in there playing tricks on me? I don’t know.

Okay, officially late now.

Squeeze-Box-ily,
Juan

 

69 thoughts on “Pat Nixon is my spirit animal

  1. I am going to have to start scrolling down so I can start the comments at the beginning. Geesh. I have no memory of anything, so I can’t even. I am curious about the Brady Bunch and Peter getting hit by a car though. Does Florence Henderson…oh. See, I am glad I googled that. I was going to ask if she read this here blog, but she died along with all the celebrities in 2016. Huh. Well, that illustrates my brain today.

    Hope your appointment was a smashing success!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  2. I swear I’m the only one in my family who remembers anything from childhood – a true blessing and a curse! It’s great for memoir writing, but tough on the wallet with the therapy bills.

    Years ago I was talking to my older sisters about how our grandmother used to take us to
    “The Green Stamp Store” where you could pay for things with Green Stamps. They told me I was imagining this, and then thankfully the internet came along years later and proved their asses WRONG!

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  3. I just spent hours searching online for my elementary reading primer. We did not read Dick and Jane. I swear it was Harriet at Red Rock Ranch. Cannot find it anywhere. Circa 1974-76?

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  4. And the bear:

    Bear

    To see a bear in your dream represents independence, strength, death and renewal, and/or resurrection. Bears are symbolic of the cycle of life. Thus if you see a dead bear in your dream, then it is highlights the end of some old habit or behavior and the beginning of a new attitude. You may also be undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. In particular, if you see a bear in your grandmother’s house, then it implies that your grandmother is a dominating figure in your life.

    The dream may also be a pun on “bare”. Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open. Or there is a situation where you just need to “grin and bear it”.

    To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear denotes anger and uncontrolled aggression. You feel trapped. Perhaps you are in a threatening situation, some overwhelming obstacle or domineering and possessive relationship.

    To see a polar bear in your dream signifies a reawakening.

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  5. Were you serious about wanting a dream interpretation? Because here’s a long one for the wolf:

    Wolf

    To see a wolf in your dream symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. Dreaming that a wolf is attacking you reflects an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction, a codependent or abusive relationship or something that is beyond your control.

    To see a white wolf in your dream signifies valor and victory. You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours. To see a black wolf in your dream represents your shadow. There are characteristics of the wolf that you are refusing to acknowledge or incorporate into your Self. If you dream about fighting a black wolf, then it means that you are in deep denial and are suppressing something.

    To dream that you kill a wolf indicates betrayal. Certain secrets will be revealed to you. If you are being chased by a wolf in your dream, then it implies that you are unwilling to confront a problem that has been negatively impacting your life. Instead you are running away from it.

    To hear a wolf howling in your dream represents a cry for help from somebody in your waking life.

    To dream that you are a wolf signifies your desires to be left alone. Perhaps you are going through a tough period and want to be on your own. You are feeling anti-social.

    To dream that a wolf turns into a puppy refers to your nurturing character. After being alone for awhile, you are looking for a relationship.

    Dreaming that a wolf is protecting you means that you are receiving help or support from an unexpected or unlikely source. You may have perceived this person all wrong.

    To see a pack of wolves in your dream symbolizes a family unit. It may highlight a sense of belonging and how family looks out for each other. Alternatively, a wolf pack represents a gang or an intimidating group.

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  6. Thanks to being at a high risk for breast cancer, I have to go to a specialist where they do a mammogram, an ultrasound, and a physical exam each year. And because I’ve had two biopsies in the last few years I get the pleasure of an extra ultrasound every six months. I just had my extra ultrasound this morning so it must have been boob morning in Pie Land. Or June Land since we’re Book of June now. Anyway, they read the tests while you’re there waiting so you know before you leave (all clear for me today thankfully). But it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER. I was there for 3 hours this morning. But see if your doctor can give you a referral to a specialist if there’s a place like that so you won’t have to wait weeks for the answer. I know you said they don’t have a place like that local, but maybe the doctor knows of a secret place or something. I hate having to wait too.

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  7. The Keane Brothers show. It was a variety show with Tom and John Keane. About 10 and 12 years old, maybe in the summer of 1976 or so. Oh John was so cuuuuuuuuuuute!! So so cute! I even saw them on Johnny Carson once. NOBODY ever remembers that show or them except for one Pie peep here, Bama Carol maybe? Anyway, it’s like it never existed. Oh it existed all right! They were even on the cover of Tiger Beat, bitch. THEY EXISTED!!!! They existed. The show existed. It was real. Good lord, I need a drink now.

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    1. I remember them! I used to fight with my dad to watch them because Chico and the Man was on the other channel. Well, one of the other channels. We had three. Not counting Channel 11, PBS.

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  8. I just ordered new glasses last week and am impatiently awaiting their arrival. I warned my kids and my husband that they are large and black so they wouldn’t be too shocked when they see me. I wanted large trendy frames but I’m worried that they will be too large and too trendy and now too Elton John. Yours aren’t by Cole Haan, are they?

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  9. Does anyone remember Betty Crocker coupons? They were on the box top of her cake mixes, etc. They had a catalog and with enough coupons you could “buy” items. I got my first set of flatware that way. This was probably early 70’s.

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  10. A little off topic but the original Brady House was purchased and there will be a show done with the “kids” redoing it. I hope it’s DIY because then my husband may die of happiness instead of cancer. He is DIY AND Brady Bunch obsessed. That will be a show of his dreams. Great distraction!

    I love show tunes (my mother loves musicals and taught me to) AND ZZTop. I am multifaceted.

    I was thinking wait Linda had her legs. I guess she will always be Paul’s wife for me and my brain has dismissed the others though I damn well knew they exist.

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    1. Second wife, Heather, had a prosthetic leg and it seems they had an ugly divorce. He’s now got a third wife, Nancy. Agree, Linda is the permanent, best wife. I was so sorry when she died.

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  11. I remember morning and afternoon mail. I also remember milk wagons being pulled by horses. It doesn’t seem I am really that old nor that it was that long ago, but it was the 50s. Pat Nixon would remember.

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  12. Love Actually, but I see someone else answered first, but I just read. I do love that movie. We saw “A Christmas Carol” two nights ago. We will see “It’s a Wonderful Life” and then our Christmas movies will be accomplished. Sometimes we watch Miracle of 34th Street, but that is no longer a must-see Christmas movie for us. I’m going to think about your dream. Perhaps the bear and wolf have something to do with the mammogram today.

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  13. I’m 52 and I remember when there used to be a morning mail delivery and an afternoon mail delivery. No one else I know seems to remember this. I also remember the little white mail trucks had A.M. or P.M. stamped onto their front bumpers.

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  14. Also too I am not so much a rememberer of things from my past as I am of books that I read when I was a child. I will remember snippets of the plot or a picture from the cover but will NOT be able to come up with the title. I will be able to think of nothing else until I figure it out. Or until I forget what I was looking for, which mercifully happens more and more often these days.

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  15. I’m in the doorway for the boobogram. I HATE the entire process, go in get smashed, then wait…and wait…and wait…and wait for the letter to arrive in the mail. Then when you pull it out of the mail box your heart starts to race, then you tear into the envelope and you see the “THERE ARE NO SIGNS OF CANCER.” Then you can breathe. This is such torture. There has to be a better way.
    Green Stamps! My husband used to get Green Stamps as incentives at work. I once “bought” four, four-place settings of my Towle sterling silver. The lady came out asking if anyone had five books of stamps, four books, three etc., I yelled out I have 106 books. They put me at the front of the line. I got all sorts of household items with all those Green Stamps my husband earned/won. The bad thing, he had to pay TAX on those suckers.

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    1. Haha! I posted my own Green Stamps comment before saw yours! My grandmother used to take us to the Green Stamp store and pay for things with her little books of them, and neither of my sisters remember any of this!

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    2. Mine is scheduled and I also get to have the extra ultrasounds, biopsies, etc. on the regular. So far all is well, though. I loved buying things at the Green Stamp store. Never had enough for sterling, though!

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      1. That was on one of the real housewives shows! That crazy blonde lady took of her prosthetic leg and threw it on the table during an argument.

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  16. Pat Nixon, born in the cute town of Ely, Nevada, so she’s one of our people. Also, she has a star on the Walk of Fame at the Hotel Nevada, as does Stephen King. Nevada trivia to brighten your day, like the North Carolina sun through Christmas decorations and cat hair. Hope getting your headlights aligned goes well. Knockers up!

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  17. I had an item similar to the roadrunner back in the late 60s. Mine was a chicken, perhaps made out of a seed pod or just glazed papier mache. The wings flipped open and there were tiny Mexican worry dolls standing inside. It was bought for me at Gaido’s restaurant gift shop in Galveston and it was one of my favorite things ever. It finally disintegrated just like me.

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  18. First, you killed me with that Paul/Heather comment. So technically I’m back from the dead, but I swear to god that there was a Brady Bunch episode where Peter was hit by a car while riding his bicycle and it disturbed the viewing audience so much that it was only aired once but I can find no evidence of this. Still, I swear I saw it.

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    1. I have seen every single Brady Bunch episode plus the specials, the spin-offs, the movies along with their short-lived variety show and I have zero recollection of an episode where Peter gets hit by a car on his bike.

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  19. I think June means SHE, as Paul’s wife, should have better taste in music. He did get married after Heather, to a wealthy American woman named Nancy. Thank you Google.

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  20. Good luck with your smashogram. I have to call to schedule mine today. My house faces west and I hate it! The glass on the storm door is always a mess and the sun shining on it in the afternoon makes me crazy. Thank you to the three males living in my house – have you ever heard of a door handle?

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  21. The Paul McCartney comment – is that referencing Heather Mills??? If so, I’m dead. If not, I don’t get the reference. Did he remarry after Heather? Also, how do I remember her name but not where my keys are?

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      1. Oh, I got that. It’s hilarious! If she was referring to something other than Heather Mills, I didn’t understand. I think she was just missing one lower leg …

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