June's stupid life

Punch and Junie

The first thing I did this morning was punch Edsel in the face, as I reached to shut off the alarm. Merrrrry Christmas! 

Oh, he’s fine. If you can’t take a punch, you have no reason to be my dog. Plus, must he BE .07 INCHES from me at all times? It results in tragedy like this.

Anyway.

This was a busildy weekend, starting with me getting the wrong glasses.

Hi. I’m bland.

I waited 16 days for my new glasses to come in, and I’d ordered a rosy tortoiseshell, and the mirror was behind the desk at the glasses place, and it wasn’t till I got to a restaurant after that I was all, heyyyyy. These aren’t tortoiseshell.

Nothing gets past me.

So then I had to take them back, and I could tell they didn’t believe me that I didn’t pick out these worm-colored frames, but I didn’t. But then I couldn’t find the rose-colored tortoiseshells, and I was cursing my whole “Don’t print a receipt” from 16 days ago, because every time I have something printed I picture the polar bear on a tiny piece of ice and I can’t even stand it.

So instead of ruining our ecosystem or whatever, I ruined my appearance.

Anyway, I ended up getting these, which look like every pair of glasses I ever pick out.

And now I’m my grandmother even more than I was.

Back in her day, polar bears had plenty of ice. As did her veins. Also, in the photo of her, there’s my small-person head at the bottom. Good lord, I had every color of those beads for your hair that you can think of. I believe I secretly thought every day should be pink-bead day.

Saturday was one of those days where you run from one thing to the next. On Saturday mornings, I like to dump out the disgusting litterbox altogether and scrub it and hose it out and dry it and sweep the litter that’s all over yonder and wash the floor in there, and for some reason that takes a damn hour.

Then I had to scream Lily to the vet, as she and Milhous managed to trap themselves in the bathroom one night last week, and the following morning, a morning I’d overslept, I tore into the bathroom to shower as quickly has humanly possible and not only were two cats in there, but poor Lily, because she’s a good girl and did not know what else to do, pooped in the shower.

This led me to the discovery that there is a tapeworm up in Lily, which means there’s a tapeworm in everyone and why do I have pets.

If you’re not familiar, all you have to do is give them all a pill and it’s over with. But the vet had not yet met Lily, as I quit my last vet in a huff about six months ago (they seriously sent me “It’s time for [insert pet’s name here]’s appointment!” emails at least once a week, and when there are four pets that gets old, and also it was never actually really time for an appointment. It was always the sort of thing where okay, we could go in now, if I wanted to spend every weekend at the vet. I called twice to say, I only want to take in each pet once a year, barring emergencies, so can you knock it off with those false alarms and they always said, No, we can’t. We have NO CONTROL over how often we send you these. I even gathered them all up on one screenshot to show how often they were–)

I know. I’m being a let-me-speak-to-your-manager Karen.

So the new vet, who does not bug me with emails, insisted she see Lily before she just gave her a pill. She’s seen everyone else. The point is, she insists Lily is overweight.

hmpf!

I’m TELLING you, she doesn’t eat that much. But she’s a round mound of meow, as Ned would say. Apparently that’s a sports joke.

So she got cans of special diet food that she refuses to eat, and that the other cats also similarly too refuse to eat, so now I have cans of rejected diet food, which is what I’ve been hoping and praying for all along.

As soon as I got Round Lily keeps on turnin’ back home, I had to scream to the hair place, as it was time for my roots. Last time I was there, I was going to move into a whole different house, and I’d link to that post where I tell you about the 17 houses I considered, but I’m pressed for the time because I was occupied with punching the dog this morning.

The point is that I hadn’t gotten my roots done in four months, and was living on $7 root cover, and it was dire. It was dire, wolf.

How do I look with silver hair?

We decided to go a little darker, like my moods, and voila.

I not only have darker hair, I have on 16 pounds of makeup. I was invited to my coworker Lottie Blanco’s Christmas party, that she and her wife, also named Lottie Blanco, throw every year. Before the party and after my hair dye, I ran to the candy store to get them a hostess gift and when I whipped open the candy-store door, there was The Poet, buying boxes of candy that reached up over her head.

“Are you getting everyone candy for Christmas?” I asked.

“No, this is just for me,” said The Poet from behind her boxes. The Poet weighs at most 17 pounds.

Anyway, I drove to Lottie Blanco’s and once I got to her neighborhood, I pretty much guessed which house was hers.

It was the house with the subtle nod to Christmas.

“You’re certainly going to have the most festive shoes,” Lottie B told me she thought, when she saw my black velvet shoes with sparkly ties. Those shoes ROCK. Those shoes hurt like fuck.

“Hey, everyone, this is Lottie’s straight friend!” Lottie Blanco’s wife, Lottie Blanco, said.

Who is never going to get over the part where I’ve blog-named them both Lottie Blanco? Is it me?

Anyway, we had a great time. The food was to die for, and there was nothing un-Christmassed in that house. When they begin a theme, they follow it through, the Lottie Blancos do.

At one point, the back door just up and broke. It leads to a screened-in porch, where a lot of people had stored their drinks, and that damn thing would neither open or close. It was just stuck. Poor Lottie Blanco my coworker was stuck behind it, on the porch, with all the drinks.

“Is this going in your blog?” she asked, from behind the door.

Eventually, about 450 of her friends came to help her and they eventually had to take the whole damn thing off. “How many lesbians does it take to open a door?” someone joked, and that is when I thought maybe I should help and bust that stereotype, but I want you to brace yourself: I had no idea what was wrong with that fucking door.

The rest of the night was spent watching Lottie B’s corgis try to figure out why the door was weird, and leap over it with their tiny stump legs. They’re corgis, so they have to stump over everything.

In unrelated news, I would like a corgi.

I have to get to work, which is a shame because I wanted to tell you what a

JERK

Iris is about taking a pill, but suffice it to say everyone here is medicated, and some of us are foaming at the jerky mouth.

we not. we the gud cats. if you do not count that bafroom insidint.

I’ll talk at you later. Try not to poop in the bathtub today. Or punch your dog.

Love,
Joon

43 thoughts on “Punch and Junie

  1. At one point or another, each one of my 6 kids would keep getting my elbow jammed into their face (accidentally, people – CALM DOWN), because they would insist on standing way too close to me just when I was doing something crazy like trying to use my arm. And, yes, I would tell them it was their fault for standing too close. Wouldn’t you?

    Like

  2. Doesn’t tapeworm make you skinny? I thought the worm ate all of the nutrients.
    Sounds like you had a busy weekend, but a good one! It is nice to get your hair done and feel pampered. Plus! You had a fun party to attend! Excellent!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  3. Your new header is reflects the sophistication of your not-blog. Why, yes, I’d pay ninepence for Good Taste or, especially, for good taste.

    Like

  4. What were the eyewear shop people thinking? The worm colored glasses wouldn’t be attractive on anyone!

    Also, in my email inbox (directly on top of your post) was an ad for learning to copy edit. According to the ad, your job is FUN and EASY! Thought you might be interested to know this.

    Like

      1. Yes. Kind of like my job teaching elementary school age children for 32 years, I’m sure. FUN and EASY. (Yes, I enjoyed it but it certainly was never easy.)

        Like

  5. What were the eyewear shop people thinking? The worm colored glasses wouldn’t be attractive on anyone!

    Also, in my email inbox (directly on top of your post) was an ad for learning to copy edit. According to the ad, your job is FUN and EASY! Thought you might be interested to know this.

    Like

  6. Good Vet told my Mother that a cat isn’t too fat IF he or she can still reach and clean their back ends. So if Lilly can still do that, then she’s fine. Let her eat what she wants. (BTW, the above referenced cat lived to be 23 1/2!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A. Lily isn’t overweight. She”s voluptuous. I named my Dog Before This Dog after Charles Barkley, the Round Mound of Rebound (Ned’s sports reference).
    (2) For some reason I read it as “I hadn’t gotten my *roof* done in four months.” Probably because I’m obsessing about home repairs.
    (iv) And I am tempted to punch my Current Dog this morning. All. Night. Long. Barking and scratching (nay, clawing) at the back door. Trying to get at an enormous back and white cat prowling around the back courtyard. Now have to refinish the door. Which Current Dog will have to pay for out of her allowance.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My daughter bought the worm colored frames and they are supposedly fashionable, but I hate them. They look to me like the glasses the nerdy girls I remember from my childhood would wear.

    Like

  9. Your grandma looks like she got the tortoise shell glasses.
    Corgis are so cute! I follow Damn Delicious on IG. It started out for her great recipes but now it’s mostly for her corgi, Butters.

    Like

  10. When we took Augie to the vet this fall, he weighed 18.5 pounds! And he has been eating diet cat food, less than a cup a day, for 3 years now. He is just going to be a big boy. We did start giving him kitty Cosequin and he has lost almost one pound and seems more active. You have to open the pill and sprinkle it over his food and he really doesn’t like it but eventually will eat it. Poor Lily, she is just big boned isn’t she?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I would’ve loved the Lottie 1 and 2 party, for the subtle nod and also the corgis. My little buddy Calvin is part corgi and the stubby leg leaps are hilarious.
    Paula killed me with Lottie and Culottie.
    Your hair looks fabulous and the new frames are perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I similarly liked Lottie and Culottie. Also, one of their corgis is a mix, and did you ever notice corgis mixed with anything look like whatever dog with stumps? Anyway, this is some sort of wire-haired terrier. With stumps. Oh my god that dog was adorable.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I need to take a nap or at least a rest. I can only read fast when you mention it was a whirlwind of activity in the beginning. Now my heart is almost racing.
    Everyone is overweight according to docs (unless you are Karen Carpenter) and SHE thought she was overweight.
    Live happy and prosper. Who cares about the live long and prosper if you aren’t happy.

    Like

  13. I follow @iambronson cat on Instagram he was adopted from shelter at 35lbs ! I can’t wait for him to post everyday. I know get a life much, but he is very cute.

    Like

  14. I embraced the gray, thanks in part to advice from someone here. My hair is so much happier and healthier now. Also, goodbye, expensive two hour appointments.
    Corgis!
    Lovely post, June.

    Like

    1. I embraced the gray, too, and I get so many compliments on my hair now, which surprises me. However, I’m feeling a bit sassy and want to get purple highlights but on the underside of my hair and not on top.

      Like

  15. Our eleven year old kitty Elphaba is a shorty, portly (TM Robyn) tortie. She just grew up to be a chub like half of our pets. She is petite too. She does not beg for people food except for ham lunchmeat. She does try to steal the dog’s canned food, simething she started more recently. I may have given her some canned dog food when we ran out of her canned food and I was sick. Big mistake.
    I don’t poop in the tub but I was peeing in a bucket a couple of weeks ago. We had a major plumbing issue on a Sunday afternoon. We had Roto Rooter in and $277.00 later (with a 10% senior or wow that guy looks suck duscount) all was well. In the meantime I almost died crouching twice (bad knees) until I realized I could stand with the oval shaped bucket between my thighs and pee much more comfortably. I had taken my lomotil (RX Immodium) so there was no poop issue. Taking the bucket outside to dump was fun too. I am grateful for plumbing that works now.
    PS This was the first time in 32 years that we needed Roto Rooter. We also live near a river and a bay and when it rains we have floods on the back street near the sewer connection. That started about ten years ago as the water levels have risen, but there is no climate change.

    Like

  16. Try not to poop in the bathtub today. Or punch your dog.
    Dead.

    The two Lotties know how to throw a party and decorate for Christmas. Love it. Every year at Christmastime, my parents would drive us to what we called Christmas Tree Lane to see all of the outdoor decorations. Always a favorite and I still drive around here at least one night during the holidays to see the lights.

    The Case of the Broken Door reminds me of the Case of the Broken Screen Door. When we purchased our house, the sellers warned us that the black screen door was hard to see at night. Sure enough, when we had our first party and had the sliding glass door open and the screen door closed, one of the guests walked into the screen door and knocked it completely down. Good times.

    Like

    1. I walked in to and destroyed a friend’s screened door after doing shots at a friend’s party. It had been left open all night. I was too hammered to realize it had been closed. So embarassing!

      Like

    2. We have a retractable screen door on our back door and the screening is very fine and it’s hard to see in the daytime, let alone at night. We stuck a piece of blue painter’s tape on it at eye level (so stylish!) yet someone always plows into it. And nobody seems to be able to open and close it without yanking it off its track because it’s a temperamental bitch of a screen.

      Like

  17. I love Lottie Blanco and Lottie Blanco, but in my head they are Lottie Blanco and Culottie Blanco. I don’t know why but I needed to differentiate.

    I have one round Siamese on short Corgi-esque legs and one long, lanky thin Siamese. Guess which one eats more? Life is not fair.

    Like

  18. I think your darker hair is very becoming! Also, your sixteen pounds of makeup makes your eyes stand out, in a good way. Bet you were the belle of the ball!

    Like

  19. Subtle nod toward Christmas! Plunk.
    Your hair looks fabulous.
    I hate getting new glasses, the last pair feel like a vice on my head, so I only wear those on special occasions and when I want a headache, but I have the frames that just disappear because they are very light weight and don’t squeeze my head that I’ve been wearing since 2002, but I have had the lenses changed a time or two.
    Poor Iris she can’t see what is about to happen. My Sweet Pea kitty, fmr., foamed at the mouth when she was given medicine, especially the liquid benedryl, even though it was bubble gum flavored.
    Tee

    Like

  20. Round mound of meow! Yes!!!! I vigorously defend fat cats’ rights. I know it’s not “healthy” or whatever but, not unlike Hemingway look-a-like contestants, all cats should be fat.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s