June's stupid life

The 4,974 legs

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want.

Mostly I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want because someone asked me what I want. Mostly up till then I was just trying to go to work and keep up with my hand-washables. I hadn’t stopped to consider. And when I got asked, I was all, hunh. I wonder what I want.

This summer I traipsed to a new therapist, one of 87 in a line of the many many therapists I’ve seen in this lifetime, and I told her how I’d been married, but that being married annoyed me.

Then I told her that a year after my husband left I met a man and fell stupidly in love, stupid stupid stupid gaze-at-him in love, but he was not the marrying kind and that broke my heart so we broke up. Mostly. Sort of. I told her how he keeps coming around even though he doesn’t want to commit. That it’s been 7 years now of breaking up and him coming back, like a clog in your drain.

“Well, what do you want?” she asked. “Being married annoyed you, but being with someone who didn’t want to get married was unfulfilling, too.”

Hunh.

“Also, it sounds kind of like you really like living alone. Do you?”

Oh my god, yes. I adore living alone. I told her how much I enjoy walking into an empty house, if you count 16 other legs there as “empty.”

Not including fleas.

If you count 4,974 legs there as “empty.”

“Not everyone does, you know,” she said. “Not everyone likes living alone.”

God, really? I consider it one of my luxuries, like other women might consider a bath and an Almond Roca. I adore living alone. Have I said that yet?

But I don’t know if I want to be relationship-less. However, I’ve also put in like 3% effort into finding another person this year. I sometimes vaguely turned on my dating profile here and there. Barely answered anyone because they were always the type who’d wear sunglasses on their baseball cap.

And I’ve never done that before. Since 8th grade I’ve pretty much dedicated myself full time to finding a boyfriend and then when my commitment light came on in my late 20s, to finding a husband.

Then when I was single again in my mid-40s, I went back to trying to find a boyfriend.

Now the whole idea of a relationship sounds like too much work. Do you have any idea how many books there are to read? Not to mention we’re in some sort of creative peak with TV shows, although Dear TV Maker People: Stop fucking thinking 8 episodes are a season. Fuck you. Fuck you totally. For sure. (That was only funny if you loved Valley Girl.)

Books never sext another woman.

TV shows don’t get annoyed because you don’t want to go on a hike.

My whole life, asshole-y smug types who’ve been married since 7th grade have always told me, You have to be happy just being alone. Then they go home to their 14 kids.

So, okay, I did it. I got happy being alone. Maybe a little too happy. I don’t feel lonely at all. If anything, I’ve got too many people wanting me to actually leave the house and do things, when most of the time I’m content to be home with the 4,974 legs.

But what if I turn into some sort of weird loner with fleas? What if I’m Lola the Showgirl 30 years later looking for Tony?

Is anyone else feeling the same way? Are you feelin’, feelin’ that way too? Or am I just, am I just a fool?

Journey-ly,
June

74 thoughts on “The 4,974 legs

  1. I don’t have much to add at this late point, but wanted to say I enjoyed reading everyone’s take on their own aloneness. I am happily married since the world was still flat, but this will be my only husband. I was married at 19, have five wonderful kids and now they have families and all those humans in my life fill my need for companionship. For years I had all those little people to take care of. I enjoy having only myself. Well, and my husband. But his needs pretty much overlap mine, so it’s kind of not even something I have to think about.

    Also nice to see Hulk turn up here to stick up for the guys with sunglasses on their baseball caps crowd!

    Lovely post not-weird-loner-flea-lady June!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jeesh. Everyone commented? I feel dumb but I still gotta say good for you. You are doing pretty great in life if you are happy with your own self.

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  3. I have never lived along. I was only 19 when we got married and here I am 52 years later. I love the fact that my husband has a great work shop in the back yard in which he spends a lot of time working on projects and I have a sewing room where I control the TV, which is off most of the time.

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  4. As I’ve told my husband recently – if “something”happens (death or divorce), I am DONE. And I love him dearly. But at this point in my life, I crave silence. And not sharing the bed covers. Or hearing the snoring. Or hearing someone else chew. Of course, he thinks I’m lying. I am not. Would being alon3 at night time freak me out? Yeah, for a little bit; but I’d get over it.

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  5. I go back and forth about whether I prefer to be alone or in a relationship. Currently I’m in pro-relationship mode and am dating. Sometimes I think being alone is the best thing in the world. I’ve lived alone for 14 years and I have to say I love it mostly. There are occasions when I feel lonely, but they don’t last long. I love knowing I’m going home after work to a perfectly quiet house where no one expects anything out of me. But there are times when I think there’s nothing worse than going home to a dark, quiet empty house. So I guess long story short is that I don’t know what I want. I’m hoping if I meet the right person I’m just going to know it’s meant to be that I’m not alone anymore because the thought of not having them around is awful. I’ve had that thought about the duplex someone mentioned above. Come over, eat dinner with me, have sex, and then go the hell next door so I can sleep. That sounds kind of perfect.

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  6. When my marriage was breaking down .. after 23 years .. I packed up the truck and moved to Beverley .. well actually I packed up a suitcase and moved to Glendale California BUT when I left that relationship and moved back home to Australia I decided that I would like to meet a man who had his own house. I did .. I visit him or he visits me and it is wonderful!

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  7. My first marriage ended in divorce after 20 years and three children. My second marriage ended when he died two years ago. Since then (for the first time in my life) I have lived on my own, and I have discovered (at age 50) that I LOVE being by myself!
    Everyone keeps asking me when I’m going to start dating again, and I can honestly say I have no desire to do so. I’ve found I’m pretty good company, and I like having cereal for dinner!

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  8. I feel like this is like when people finally stop trying to get pregnant after years of trying … accept it and love their life … and then get pregnant. You are totally about to find the love of your life now that are you totally content without one!!!

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  9. I’m well into my invisible years and have been married for 30 years. We have no children by choice, but plenty of feline family. Fortunately, we are both independent so I get a lot of time alone, which I absolutely cherish. We do a lot of activities together, too, so there’s a nice balance. We both have several close friends of our own, so are not total hermits. I love my husband dearly, but if I’m ever widowed, I know I won’t get married again because I’d be content by myself. Most of my hobbies are solitary endeavors (painting, sewing and the like). Even when I was a young child I enjoyed my time alone and don’t remember ever feeling lonely in my life. I consider myself lucky to feel that way and hope you do, too. I used to envy the extroverts who were always up for drinks or dinner after work. But the more I learn about introverts, the more I realize that being alone is the way we “recharge” and I feel less weird and guilty about it than I used to.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I’d love to live alone. My girlfriends who do constantly remind me: they don’t envy me, living with a man. My fella was over in Europe for a month in June/July and then again gone for a week, leaving me totally alone (not counting the deerhead chihuahua in the house) here on the farm without even a neighbour within a mile in every direction, and I was IN HEAVEN. Was I happy to see him come home? Yeah, for about three minutes. Last winter I spent three weeks alone (if you don’t count two cats) at the home of my aunt when she was away, and it was fabulous. If I could arrange it, I’d just put my taller half into a house next door. You betcha. No one to bitch if I move furniture, whine if I don’t include meat in a meal, leave his dirty socks on the bedroom floor (where they stay, by the way, because I won’t pick them up and put them in the laundry – fuck that shit), turn the TV on first thing in the morning, leave his dishes on the kitchen counter for someone else to take care of — and so on. Enjoy the life you’ve got, Mz June, because it looks pretty damn good from where I’m sittin’! -Kate

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    1. My BFF is married to a trucker and she cannot wait until he goes on the road because when he’s home, he turns on the TV to Fox News the moment he gets up and leaves it on all day. She said the next time he goes out of town, she’s putting a parental block on that channel.

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      1. Yet Another Kelly – I *did* put the parental block on Fox News @ my house.

        I kept asking my husband to watch a variety of news programs, so he would be less angry & have a broader world view. He would agree & then continue to watch only Fox, which made him hateful.

        He was gone for work & when he came home? I had locked the channel & I won’t tell him the passcode. He has tried to guess, without any success (Ha!). He retaliated by deleting a bunch of shows I had DVR’d, but I don’t care about any show that much & not ever having Fox on my TV was worth it!!!

        He still watches the local news, but it’s not nearly as bad.

        I have threatened to also lock some of the other channels I find annoying too, but I am trying to be an adult & not a giant jerk.

        Liked by 2 people

  11. I’ve been married over 36 years now and while I love my husband dearly, I love when he goes and plays golf all day long and I get some alone time. I lived alone for 4 years when I got out of college and loved it! I’ve never had roommates (only child here) and have always preferred the company of my pets to people.

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  12. I realize that what you present to us here may be somewhat of an idealized version of your life, but it seems to me that you have many friends and acquaintances and if ever you feel lonely you could call on one or several of them for some company. I do agree with whomever it was that commented that there is something to be said for having your own special person who knows you just like you really are and loves you anyway. Maybe that’s what you’re afraid of vs. being lonely.

    As for me, my husband retired in June of 2017 and went from not being home a lot to being around all the time. Even though I’m still working, that has been an adjustment in so many ways. Lately, I’ve taken to saying what I’d really like (if I ever end up alone) is to have my place and my space, and to have a good male friend, with benefits like sex, traveling, a date for occasions, etc. but who also has his own space so we are not connected at the hip.

    I admire your therapist for making you think this through!

    Liked by 3 people

  13. I have never lived alone. Ever. I’ve always lived with parents or siblings until I got married. When my husband is out of town and I’m home alone, I like it until night time and then it gets kind of lonely so I don’t know how I’d do if I lived alone even with 2 dogs and a cat.

    I do love Valley Girl. Like, Oh my God! Like, Totally! Fer sure!

    I do love love love your little MCM house at the top. It reminds me of the Alexanders found in Palm Springs.

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  14. Gurl. I have been busy busy mz busy. Im behind on your posts. However in a 30 sec downtime I read this one and screamed over here to respond. I loved being married and at first I hated living alone. I was working hard for a boyfriend. So hard for it honey.

    Now? Fftt. If it happens ot happens. Like you i open up my dating profile once in awhile. This last time I met a guy who I thought had really good potential. But it was like pulling teeth to get together. His kids and the distance. It took more energy than I want to put into a relationship right now.

    About twice a month I get lonely. For about a day then busy busy breaks out again.

    The one thing i have done is kept up my fwb relationship. I would miss sex. Ho June’s mom!

    You’re not weird.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m recently divorced for the second time. My kids are long gone and I had already retired young. I’m pretty busy but that’s balanced with a lot of alone time. I’m not lonely. Maybe a little restless. But I feel like there’s something missing. Recently I read somewhere that what a lot of people feel in this situation is a lack of intimacy. Not that kind! But having someone who really knows you and cares about you anyway. I think that’s what I’m feeling. Still rolling it around in my head.

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  16. I lovelovelove my “alone” life!!!!! I love my adult kids, I love my job and co-workers, I love my parents and that they are only 14 miles away, I love all my nutty friends, but what I really love is to walk in the front door of my cutest and bestest home at the end of the day and be greeted by 2 dogs and 2 cats. I get to choose what I want for dinner, I get to choose what I want to do and I don’t have to accommodate for anyone else. My introverted self can recharge to meet another day full of, well, stuff. Would not change a thing. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  17. Just started therapy and the 2nd visit she asked me who I was? I listed off Wife, Mother, Grandmother. She said “No who are YOU? I said “how would You answer that question? Then she said time was up and I should think about it for next visit.
    Are you allowed to ask Therapists questions?
    As far as living alone, now that the kids have grown and I am only working part-time, I find myself thrilled to have time alone when nobody is looking for me! Although I work for my Husband and sometimes work cuts into my beach days or lunch with my friends, so there’s that

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  18. After having two husbands (still friends with both) and a few other lovers, I have spent more years living alone than with others. And, yes, I like a solitary life (I’m down to only four other legs … lost the flea population when everyone became inside critters). I’m ancient enough to not really miss the hot & sweaty side of relationships (or maybe it’s just the arthritis). So, I enjoy the friendships I have when I want company and I enjoy the solitude when I don’t. You are wonderfully weird for many reasons but enjoying a solitary life should not be a worrisome one.

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  19. I absolutely love living alone and doing what I want when I want. I’m pretty happy to be alone and although I wouldn’t mind a relationship, it’s not super important to me. Most of my friends don’t understand that and think I must be lonely.,

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  20. I’m 52, been married for nearly 33 years, and the kids are grown and out on their own. I LOVE being home alone (except for the dogs and chickens). I get very excited during hunting season because that means days off from a blaring tv, snack food crumbs everywhere, and dirty clothes that land everywhere but the hamper.

    My goal in life is to become a hermit.

    Liked by 4 people

  21. I have been married since age 18 and am now 52. Daughter graduating this year. I am tired of looking out for someone else at times. Very thankful my husband is a low maintenance dude. Probably would have snapped if not.

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  22. I’ve been divorced from my second husband for 2 years. We were together for 2 decades and had a blended family. After raising 3 wonderful kids and tolerating his supreme assholiness, I left. Now it’s just me and the cat. I love it! A guy at work asks me out, but I don’t feel like shaving my legs.

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    1. I think I would be ok living alone, but I couldn’t do it at my current house. Because of where we live, there are a ton of critters we share the land with, and every month or two there is some sort of death either in the pool or near the house or, sorry to say, inside the house (thank God that happens infrequently). Husband is on death duty, so, should he leave me (either by his choice, his death or my killing him), I would pack up, move to a city and spend my remaining years eating cheesecake and salt/vinegar chips. The only thing that concerns me about possibly being alone when I’m old(er) is that I really don’t want to die with no one around.

      As it stands, Peter retired last January, but has so many hobbies, I don’t see him that often. Kind of the best of both worlds.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I’ve been divorced for almost two years now and was separated for a year before that. I’ve gone on one date and it turned out badly. I’m very lonely, but I’m not sure if what I want would be to get married again or if I’d be happier with a really great group of friends. I was really close to my mother and she died the year before my divorce. I miss her a lot more than I miss my ex-husband.

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  24. My husband died last year at age 60. I am 55 with 2 adult daughters who live in different cities. I can’t wait to get home to my dog every day after work and I find she’s more fun to be with than 99% of humans! I was an only child and have always loved being alone. So far I have ZERO motivation to put in any effort into dating. Staying home alone seems much more appealing!

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  25. So four years ago I asked my man to leave and it has been bliss ever since – I love living alone – I am 52 years old and have a dog and two cats so technically not really alone – now no drama with the man but just realized he was not my life long partner (my clue was I never missed him when he went away) – and things that no longer annoy – there is milk for my coffee – the garbage cans are brought in and out – tv is at a pleasant volume – ooo so many petty petty things but the best is the temperature – I have the house COLD yes COLD because I am a living volcano – I am surprized every morning that I have not self combusted into a pile of ashes ….the only downside is not handy and things need fixing in this hundred year old house – but now I hire handymen when needed which granted is no picnic as they sometimes cause other problems hello punctured eaves – but sporadically not every day – so all is good!

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  26. Well now that I am finally divorced I keep getting advice from friends to start dating. Yeah, no. I need some semblance of calm before diving back in the ocean. (If ever) Yeesh. I would say there is nothing wrong with being alone, but I also think you should forgive Ned so what do I know. 🙂

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  27. I really don’t think I’d ever like living with a partner. I’ve lived alone since college…now I’m 42. I’m too used to all my space.

    And I’m single with a 6-year-old daughter (sperm bank) and a dog. Enuf. So dating? Nope. I haven’t dated since I was pregnant. I have way too much on my plate to deal with someone else’s needs. Dating is way too much work.

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  28. My situation is so different from yours that I can only offer a point of view from the outside. You seem pretty content and happy right now so I don’t think you should worry about ending up a lonely old lady with fleas. Even if you do, you might not mind it, except for the fleas. And since you will be living alone you could just wear a flea collar as a necklace or put a drop of frontline on the back of your neck.

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  29. I’m married with multiple kids. And I think I would like to live alone. I don’t mean that in a “oh poor me all the noise in my house!” way. I think I really would like it.
    When I was just out of college I didn’t like it. I was scared all the time and I was lonely. And I think that might have strongly influenced my decision to get married. I don’t regret my marriage but if I had let myself learn how to be alone, I think things would have turned out very differently. I don’t picture getting old in matching rocking chairs. I picture getting old in a one room cottage on the beach in New England.

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  30. First, I love and adore the picture in the header today.

    Second, I have been married forever. Wilma Flintstone was my maid of honor. But I spend a lot of time alone and I LOVE IT. I think it’s an only child thing. Even when everyone is home (two adult children who just won’t get the eff out), I am usually alone in my room, happy as the proverbial clam. The proverbial anti-social clam.

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  31. I LOVE living alone! I HATE the dating scene. It would be fun to be in a relationship again, but it’s not worth the hassle of dating, AND I’d never give up living alone at this point. I’m happy, and I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks about my “single and not even trying status”.

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  32. I completely agree!! I’m married, and I love my husband but MAN do I miss living by myself. When everything used to look the same when I got home from work as it did when I left (except whatever ludicrous thing my asshole cat did while I was away). Not trying to overstep or assume you haven’t already thought of this, but do you think you and Ned could work if you both agreed to be committedly not-committed? He doesn’t want you get married. You want to live alone. Could you ever make that work?? I had a friend who used to say she wanted to live in a duplex if she ever got married… her on one side and him on the other!

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  33. This is me!!! I’m 48 and dating is ridiculous. These middle aged men with motorcycles or are in bands. They are just so uninteresting!

    I love living alone with my dog and cat. I get up early and I spend the evenings reading or watching shows.

    Men expect you to move into their worlds. I don’t want to live in a bachelor pad. Also, my dog is a huge priority. Going out with men that “sext” other women just isn’t something I want to sacrifice for.

    Not to be graphic, but I don’t want to deal with ED issues either . Ewww.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right – middle aged men really are uninteresting, or at least the ones who want to date. And by date, I mean “find a woman at minimum 10 years younger who is hot with abs of granite who doesn’t mind that I wear hair band t-shirts and rock star jeans like I am somebody.” No, thanks.

      I like living alone and I want a relationship. I’ve not done the deep soul search dive, though, so I often wonder if I want the dream I used to have or if it would still be my dream if I let myself see past it.

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  34. I found myself suddenly single at 35 after my boyfriend of ten years ran off with my married best friend, then HE married her, and started churning out babies with her. I never thought I would recover from it. Ever.

    I had never lived alone before. I went out and got my very first apartment that was all mine, bought furniture for it that was all mine, and really, truly relished being able to sit at my kitchen table, feet up on my stove, gossiping on the phone with friends and eating Stove Top stuffing for dinner. The idea of having to go out into the dating world again seemed like a total nightmare.

    Turned out, my now ex-best friend’s ex-husband felt exactly the same way about having to go out in the dating world again, so we decided to just start dating each other. We’ll be married three years this May.

    I love living with him, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also love it when he’s away on business for a few days. There really is something to be said for lone Stove Top stuffing dinners and phone gossip.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Wow – thank you! It was so awful getting through it, but I’m so much better off for not having that guy in my life anymore! I tell people now, my ex-best friend did me a favor by taking that loser off my hands!

        Liked by 2 people

    1. I still eat Stove Top for dinner on a semi-regular basis & I’ve been married 13 years now. (Low Sodium Chicken Flavor with Earth Balance Soy Free ‘Butter’)

      We mostly eat separate things for dinner aka “fend for yourself” because my husband wants to eat cheese, meat, sugar, salt, & starch for every meal (Pizza is a favorite). I have a dairy allergy, so I don’t have the option of eating pre-prepared or processed food (dairy is in almost everything) a whole lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is a great idea! Sometimes I just like to eat some yogurt and peanut butter and call it a night. It seems the men-folk are more geared towards eating everything in the house for dinner!

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  35. I feel you and I’ve been married almost 22 years. Husband travels a bit for work and I don’t mind the alone time. Granted we have three teenagers which means I’m not really alone, but you get the idea.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I would love to live alone. But I’m married and at least right now I don’t consider wanting to live alone enough of a reason to split up, so I just hope for time alone in the house.

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  37. I think at my age now I would love living alone. As a young, insecure, not overly confident girl I could never imagine it. I lived on my own from 18-20 and I hated every single second of it. I look back at that time and see so much missed opportunity.
    I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I like my own company. I entertain myself. Of course this is coming from someone who has been married for a long, long time but I think if something should change tomorrow I would be delighted to be by myself surrounded by cats, books and television.

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Existentenially speaking, we are all weird loner fools. I used to tell my ex husband I would never leave him for another man, but a place of my own? Hell yes. (Spoiler: it didn’t work out that way.)

    Liked by 1 person

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