June's stupid life

June and her ADD get ready for a party

Every year, at Christmas, my workplace has its annual holiday party.

How much do you hate me for that redundant-ass sentence up there? I should really write a book.

Last night was my workplace Christmas party, and yes they call it “Christmas party,” as opposed to when I lived in LA and it was the annual gathering of winter or something we could all agree on.

They let us go at 3:00, because the party started at 5:00 at the country club, which by the way is fancy. It’s one of the fancy country clubs, not the dodgy country clubs you go to.

The point is, we were allowed to leave early so we could get our families ready and so on, and I know you’re wondering right now how does June do it all, with the high-powered executive career and her many children who are always turned out in their Christmas finery on the regular. Annually. At Christmas. Every year.

New glasses who dis. I need to get past that line.

The first thing I did after work was scream over to the glasses store, because my new not-worm-color glasses were in, which 15 times now I typed “gasses.”

Do you know what annoys me? On Instagram, when you read the comments, and someone comments about how they either misread something or thought a celebrity was their friend.

“I misread that as dick ass!”

“I thought this photo of Clark Gable was you, @myfriendisanasshole!”

Who gives a FUCK what you thought if it was wrong. Other than you and old Clark Lookalike, your close friend, who probably didn’t want to be tagged.

Merry Christmas!

After I got my glasses, my gasses, I was in my old neighborhood, where everything seems so nice and not sketchy-neigborhood-y now, so I went to my old grocery store and got supplies. We’re allegedly getting like 52 inches of snow this weekend, a fact that delights and thrills me, except that my old boyfriend from high school will be in another part of the state and that will shoot any get-together plans all to hell.

“I knew when I heard 13″ were coming that you were on your way,” I texted him, and the hilarity never stops over at Text of June.

But here’s the thing. It’s a snowstorm in the South. TRY FINDING AN ONION. Because not only does everyone buy up the goddamn bread and milk, they also all make chili, as I was doing. I had to buy a white onion and I can only hope my chili survives.

Beleaguered Juan. Mary and her manger had nothing on Beleaguered Juan.

So I got home right at 4:00, because the line at the grocery store was like the line for the end of time. You know how THOSE lines are.

When I got home, my Chewy box had come, not that I chewed the box. So I had to open cat-food bags and dump them in the cat-food tin, lug litter, and generally curse the animals. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Then I had the groceries to put away.

And animals to greet.

And everyone had to get fed.

Bout tyme.
wut hell, mom. edz starv.
Well, crap, I might as well put the dishes away. 
I’m never home this time of day. Look how pretty the light is at–OH MY GOD IS THAT THE TIME?
Beleaguered June is late for the party.

I took The Poet as my date, and it’s like this whole event was set up to convenience us. First of all, we both live five minutes from work. She probably lives three minutes from work, as it took me two minutes to drive the mile to her apartment.

Look how cute her place is. They set up the front to look just like a dashboard.

She invited me in and I admired her brains.

Anyway, then we got in the car, drove across the street, and we were at the country club. I’m not even making this up. It was one minute to her house, one minute to the club, and you’d think we’d both be avid members and all, it being so close.

“Welcome Members of the Month, June and Poet.”

The first person we saw was Boss, crnt.

Boss, crnt., is very photogenic. This is the only picture I took of her and look at her!
We sat next to Griff, who actually DOES belong to the country club. “Do you ever just, like, come here for lunch?” “If they’re having oysters,” he said. Well, sure.

The food was delicious, and someone noted that I selected all the options for children, such as the macaroni and cheese and the chicken tenders. Look, they were excellent chicken tenders.

At the end of the evening I saw The Poet putting rolls in her purse. I mean, I AM out of bread. And a storm IS coming. Apparently, you need bread. “I wish I had some kind of napkin to put them in,” I kvetched.

And that’s when The Poet whipped out 79 country club napkins, just for taking home rolls. Then when we searched our purses for our coat check tickets, we had to remove said rolls and did not at all look like doddering old ladies. Which, come on. How far off are we?

Anyway, it was a good time, did I mention? And I always like to see everyone in their finery. I wish I’d taken a photo of Wedding Alex’s sparkly skirt. You’d have all died and then who would read me.

When I got home, I put the rolls on the counter, and Edsel promptly ate them. Then I took him to the all night euthanasia drive-thru. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

49 thoughts on “June and her ADD get ready for a party

  1. I was so pleased with myself that I recognized you boss (crnt)…I’m not usually looking at her face. I hope she models some more Stich Fix for us to vote on. And yes, the camera does love her.

    Also, you and the Poet make such a cute couple. I love that you took buns home in napkins. I’m sorry Edsel hogged them all. It’s probably your payback for feeding him last.

    Lovely post, lovely June. I do like your new hair color.

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  2. But Juaaan, once they finish counting the leftover rolls and realize some are missing, all they have to do is read your blog and they’ll know it was me!

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      1. Poet, now I know where your niece and nephew get their larcenous ways. Niece takes a handful of napkins at Starbucks and fast food places, and nephew makes off with several dozen sauce packets at Taco Bell. Yes, we live large. Hope your dogs shared the rolls.

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  3. There were actually two supplies of really delicious bread — egg rolls near the carving station and on-table baskets with ciabatta rolls.

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  4. I like to pretend the fancy YMCA in my neighborhood is a country club. It’s totally the same, right?!
    For several years we took our family Christmas card photo in front of a very fancy Christmas tree (like the one at the GCC there) at a nearby hotel. People always thought it was our tree in our home and were AMAZED at my decorations!
    Lovely post, June!

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  5. Frozen chopped onions are mother’s little helper, right up there with Xanax. Also too, I just want to say that I really love your hair color – it looks very nice on you. And also too again, The Poet is so cute – you probably had the best date in the room!

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  6. I love it when I giggle all the way through reading you and the comments. Thanks too, for all the photos.
    Edsel could’ve shared with you.

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  7. My ex-husband was a country club manager and I had to go to their fancy board member dinners each quarter with him. I stuck out like a sore thumb because those are not my people. They always split couples up so I would have to sit with a bunch of club members and their spouses while my husband was at a different table. One night a lady at my table announced that she had recently flown first class to Paris because she needed to buy some lipstick and that’s the only place she can get it. FFS. I wanted to respond, “What a waste of your money! They’ve got great stuff over at Walmart!” just to be an asshole, but I didn’t want to embarrass my husband so I refrained. Thankfully one of the board members looked at her and said, “I’m about out of toothpaste. Do you suppose I need to fly to Paris to get some more?” And then he looked at me and winked.

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  8. What a gorgeous setting for your office Christmas party. And Poet was the perfect date. Too bad you had to schlep so far to get there. It’s a wonder you didn’t get lost.

    Wow, 13″…of snow. It’s the predicted ice you have to worry about as that brings down tree limbs that, in turn, bring down power lines. Hope you have nonperishable food for both you and your pets, gas in your car and whatever else you need in case you lose power. I still remember trying to get home during Snow Jam ’82 in Atlanta and having to stop at the gas station. Glad no one got a picture of me slipping and falling while trying to pump gas.

    Good luck. We’re all counting on you.

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  9. Oh my goodness! This is a classic post by June Gardens. HILARIOUS! It started with the dodgy country clubs and by the time I got to all night euthanasia drive-thru I was on the floor. GREAT post!

    You look very beautiful, and I want your orange/red coat. The country club is quite elegant, looks a lot like the way my house is decorated…are you kidding, we have a little 2 ft. tree that my mother-in-law had when she was in the nursing home. I do have my grandmother’s gumdrop trees decorated. I love all the captions with the great photos. I hope you survive the snow storm, I just hope it all stays north of Atlanta. We don’t do well with snow and forget it when there is ice.

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  10. Post hilarious, Griff hilarious, and comments hilarious. My day is complete and it’s not even 7:00 yet.

    Oh, and I live in the Land o’ Onions. Seriously, they grow them just down the road. The ones in the store are ridiculously huge. West Coast Problems…

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  11. I’ve only been to a country club once. It was for his late uncle’s eightieth birthday party. They served squash soup that was to die for. I wanted seconds but you can not do that at a county club. I wore a fancy embroidered denim skirt with a matching sweater. His aunt announced that she was surprised I was allowed in wearing denim. It was fancy seperates from an expensive store. She made it sound like I was dressed like a hobo, announced loudly in front of everyone too. She was a prize biotch and his favorite aunt too.
    That country club looks gorgeous. I have taken bread too, I learned it from my friend’s mom. She had relatives still starving in Europe.

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  12. Oh my gosh. Every bit of this is just too funny. The rolls in your purses – classic. We once went on a road trip with my husband’s grandparents. His grandma made sandwiches from the salad bar at the first place we stopped to eat and stuffed them in her purse. She offered us a sandwich from her purse at least once an hour for the next 7 days. When you get to full sandwich in the purse status, you’ll know you’ve arrived!

    How WILL you all survive your snowstorm without the onions? We all know it was the onion that saved the Ingalls family time and time again.

    Love this post lovely June!

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  13. At first I thought you were making the chili for the party, and I was trying to figure out what sort of cheap workplace holds a Christmas party at a country club and makes you bring the food. Seriously, though, I don’t know how you made it there on time, what with all the farm chores at home. Luckily for me, kids are easier – you can just throw a pizza at them. Or tell them to call for one…

    I’m a stellar parent.

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  14. You’re killing me with the all night euthanasia drive-thru.

    I actually made it all the way to the end of typing out that sentence before I realized what a Dad Joke-level pun that is. My apologies. All punnery aside, you did absolutely slay me with this post. If I could Venmo you an onion right now, I totally would.

    That’s one fancy looking party! If you hadn’t told us it was a country club I would have thought it was a governor’s mansion. Seriously! It makes my office holiday party look like a sandwich ring from the grocery store with a post-it that says, “Have at it, you pigs. Remember you’re all replaceable.”

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  15. Crap…I intended to go get an onion today for rice and beans. I had no idea they might be in short supply, because apparently I missed the memo about making chili!

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