June. She was annoyed.

It’s possible I’m the most irritable person on earth.

BREAKING NEWS: TSUNAMI CREATED WHEN TENS OF READERS NOD ‘YES’ AT SAME TIME.

But something new irritates me and I want you to hang on to your hat.

Meghan Markle.

Stop it.

STOP.

IT.

Oh my god, we know you’re pregnant. Everyone on planet Earth knows you’re effing pregnant. STOP. Put your HANDS down.

And I’d love to join crabby chatrooms about this but then I’m exposed to the words “baby bump” and “belly,” which also make me want to run screaming from the room.

Perhaps my tombstone might read: June. She was annoyed.

Can anyone recall all the things I’ve insisted be on my tombstone at this point? Maybe we can get one of those fold-out ones we’ve heard so much about. An expandable tombstone.

Speaking of expandable, I picked up Milhous today

 

IMG_0624

Hey, good lookin’. Whatchu got on?

to weigh him, because I like to keep abreast. You know, just keep one handy in case one of mine falls off. Anyway, he’s not SCREAMING up the scale the way Steely Dan did when he was a kitten and they kept moving back his birth date. “We know we said he was born in July, but maybe he was born in May.”

He wasn’t.

Anyway, Milhous weighs 5 pounds, which for a five-month-old is fine. But when I first got on the scale with him this morning, after three days of eating chili and lying about reading, my first thought was that Milhous had gained a ton of weight. That he was turning into such a big boy!

He wasn’t.

For I placed him down and lumbered back on the scale and madre de dios. It’s not chili up in there, it a whole Chilean miner or something.

IMG_0851.jpegIt’s not storming here anymore, so we have work starting at 10:00 today, and who wants to place bets on me being late anyway? I have to give myself an hour and 40 minutes just to scrape the car.

You know, I HAVE a garage. Okay, it’s a 1932 garage, but it still works. Why did I not place my car in said garage when the storm was brewing? Think of how convenient that’d be. This is my first garage since I lived in Burbank circa 2006. I never parked my car in that, either.

Have garages just become storage sheds for all our crap? Why do we have so much crap? Why do we buy stuff and 10 months later it’s crap?

Anyway, speaking of Steely Dan, which I did seventeen paragraphs ago, the woman who owns my house, fmr., called me last night. She has the same first name as me.

“This is June who owns the house on [insert street name, fmr.].”

All of a sudden I got teary. Oh my god! Was Steely Dan back? I’d left her my number to call me for just that.

“An Amazon box came here for you,” she said.

I’m going there tonight to get it, and she told me about all the changes she made to the house, and I know you’ll all be “take pictures” and this is one of those occasions where you guys forget I’m a real person who will seem

BERSERK

if I do that.

Anyway, she’s replaced all of the floors, and I loved those floors, although she did also replace the terrible concrete floor with floating wood or Natalie Wood or something. Then she told me the house needs special drains because something was happening underneath, which the inspector didn’t catch, and that when the specialist came, he found

five cat carcasses

under my house.

“Maybe one of them is your cat,” she said, and that is pretty much when I wanted to scream and rip off my skin and fall to my knees and shout, “Not my Richie.”

What the hell?

There were five dead cats under my house?

Then I wondered if the guy was on the SIDES of the house and dug up Francis and Ruby. That didn’t occur to me till after we hung up. But why would you dig there?

Five dead cats? Please don’t let one be SD.

HOW DID THEY GET THERE, and why didn’t I HEAR them, and of all the things in the world why cats? Why couldn’t they have found Gwyneth Paltrow’s bones or something that wouldn’t have upset me? Why couldn’t they have found the bones of words like baby bump and snowpocalypse?

Oh. And while I’m being annoyed by things, here’s another one.

If you’re a good storyteller, you just progress the story. We don’t need you to say, “Fast forward to…”

Or, god forbid, “FLASH forward to.” Oh my god shut up.

Perhaps you wonder how it feels to spend your whole day in a lather.

And you already know my other thing, which is when someone tells a story and they say, “So he asked me, ‘You know what?’ and I said, ‘What?'”

WE DON’T NEED TO HEAR WHAT YOU ANSWERED WHEN YOU’RE ASKED A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

Oh, crap, the guy across the street is 100% stuck in his driveway, spinning his tires. We are three blocks of dead ends followed by train tracks; no one is ever coming to plow this street. I wonder if I’ll be stuck, too?

The guy across the street has a sweet pale yellow El Camino, by the way. It’s really cool. But right now it’s one El stuck motherfucker.

I’d better go. I might could be in for a struggle. I will not say anything about a struggle being real.

Edgily,
Joop

71 thoughts on “June. She was annoyed.

  1. “Some kind of drains” sound like French Drains and they go around not under the house. The theory that he dug up ancient pet burial grounds makes sense. Unless the excavation involved careful exhumation with archeological tools they know F all about what they dug up anyway. Deceased and long buried pets? Rabbit? Squirrel? Tree roots?

    New Owner (NO) has no idea. May be a jerk. May be clueless but meant well.

    Just in case it’s the former PLEASE say ominous things like “so that’s all they found right? I mean they didn’t mention anything else?” Then as you leave say something like “don’t believe everything you hear …”

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  2. I used to give the side eye to belly-rubbing pregnant ladies, too, until I became one. OH MY GOD IT NEVER STOPPED ITCHING! I tried so hard to keep my hands off my tummy, but I failed.

    When we bought our first house it was from the original owners of 44 years, and they died shortly after we moved in. A year or so later their granddaughters stopped by to see the house. I stood right on the porch and gave them fair warning that we had changed things. They chose to come in anyway. I showed them around and when they left they gave me a big hug and said how much they loved it. Their grandparents had wanted to make some changes, too and we did some of the very things they had discussed long ago. Awww. It was so sweet.

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  3. Couldn’t stand Megan even in the few episodes I watched of Suits. Didn’t care about her wedding and don’t care about her now.

    I once had an employee that from the moment she was pregnant would rub her belly constantly. It drove me crazy!!

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  4. Definitely agree with the smell thing, A mouse died in my office wall and I had to vacate for a week. It’s not SD. He would’ve chewed his way out or something. New owner of fmr. house is an ass.
    On an unrelated note, if you’ll allow me to contribute to the list of annoyances (my list is endless), I nominate shiny happy cutesy people on daytime TV who never stop shouting! My mom watches TV all. day. long. and I’m gritting my teeth by the end of the first half hour. You have a MICROPHONE, people!! STFU!!
    Okay. Feel better now. Thanks for letting me rant.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Never comment because… social awkwardness and all that, BUT need to say this- SD was the sparkly unicorn of the cat species. No way was he going to settle for something as boring as being stuck under a house.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We have a two car detached garage that we had built about nine years after we moved in. It’s all his except for a second refrigerator we finally got and one set of boxed dishes. He has a car that doesn’t run in there that needs to be sold. We’ve never parked the cars we drive in there. It was for his project cars. He had an ’81 El Camino in 1986. He was impressed, I was not. It was tan.

    I think your old house buyer is a mean and nasty person. I really doubt those are your cats, I subscribe to the smell theory and Steeley would have escaped. I hope there IS an amazon package. I don’t trust her.

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  7. Reason I don’t park my car in the garage (aside from all the crap in there) is that while my car would be nice and snow-free, I’d have to shovel eleventysomesuch feet of driveway to get it out. Much easier to park at the end near the street and only have to clear the snow off the car and surrounding area.

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  8. No way did a cat die under your house while you were living there. We had a mouse – a tiny wee ounce and a half of mouse – die under the fridge out in the back hall, and I thought we’d have to burn the house down from the smell. Plus, you spent lots of time outside, calling for him and looking in bushes and whatnot. You would have smelled it. None of those remains are S.D.
    The new owner of the old house is a jerk.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lovely post, we all seem to be equally irritated, and possibly equally irritating.
    I’m pretty sure you would have noticed if a cat had been decomposing under your house. We had a feral cat that died in our carport a few years ago and it was pretty obvious.
    The term “baby bump” ranks right up there with “we’re pregnant” (as if they are both carrying a fetus).

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  10. Maybe those carcasses have been there since before you lived there, June. I have always heard the smell is awful when an animal passes away under a home, so I think you’d have known if it happened while you lived there. Steely Dan was far too clever to get stuck under a house.

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  11. Yeah I totally feel like the critters are not cats. And also too I would think they have been there a while if Lu or Edsel never alerted to something stinky being under there.

    And I am one who never really cared about the royals. I know, I know.

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  12. I think Meghan (wait –Megan?) is worried people will think she is just plain fat so she has to do that “cradling thing” to prove it’s a baby. Never mind all of the news stories.

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  13. I abhor the bump holding! I have a two car garage and have two cars in there, however there is still a good amount of junk too.

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  14. Last night the photos show she has graduated to using both hands. It was during a fashion award show.

    I can’t think of S.D.

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  15. When the lady who bought my mother’s house after she died (my mom, not the lady) asked me if I wanted to see all the changes she made, I was like not only no, but hell no! I grew up in that house and want to remember it as it was. I can’t quite believe there were five cat carcasses under your house unless someone put them there. I am sure Steely wasn’t one of them. He was too magical to get stuck anywhere. He surely is living a pampered life somewhere in your old neighborhood.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jeanie, I agree with you! My mother sent me photos of my grandparents’ house so could see all the changes the new owner made. I was so sad. I never wanted to see it change. I’ve mostly forgotten what the changes looked like since I realized what she’d sent and hurried to look away.

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  16. I’m not convinced they’re cat carcasses. I just sold a flip house (OH MY GAWD I LOVED THAT HOUSE) and when we were pruning the bushes (not a euphemism) and straightening the lattice under the gorgeous front porch just like you would see in Mayberry (GAWD I LOVED THAT HOUSE), I saw a carcass under the front porch and got very sad (GAWD I DIDN’T LIKE THAT PART) thinking it was a cat that got stuck and died a cold, lonely death although there were plenty ways to retreat from under that porch (THAT I MISS SO BAD). Anyway, after visiting the carcass and talking to it and apologizing to it for a week (SHUT UP YOU’RE THE WEIRD ONE), I showed husband. Husband said more than likely it was not a cat but a sick animal that crawled in there to die. It could have been a squirrel or raccoon or possum or rabbit or any number of little critters in that gorgeous oasis of a yard (GAWD I LOVED THAT YARD). So anyway, even though the carcass looked like it could have been a cat, husband said it could have been anything and it made more sense if it was a critter. I feel like I am that annoying long storyteller now.

    Garages. I”m always suspicious of anyone who has a two car garage and can actually park two cars in there. Who ARE those people? I bet the inside of their stove is clean too and not filled with last night’s dirty dishes.

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  17. I would have said “but he didn’t find any of the human remains I put under there, right?” Seriously. Who feels the need to tell someone that? And is this guy an anthropologist? How does he know they are cats? Ugh. She annoys me from afar.

    I have said from the beginning (check Facebook for my snarky comment way back when that baby was announced) that this is no May baby Meghan is about to produce. I had my first baby in May. I was pregnant at my December wedding and could still wear my Levis 501 button front corduroys. That baby is coming way before May.

    One of my personal peeves (the list is long and well curated) is people with three car garages that can’t hold a single car. EVERYONE in my neighborhood parks in their driveway, or more commonly, in the street. Hate it. Hate hate hate. And they all have young kids who love to dart out in the street between all the cars their parents park there. Then they rant on Facebook about everyone driving too fast and kids getting run over. Move your cars people. Ugh.

    Lovely post June! Hope you made it out of your driveway!

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  18. Never was a Meghan fan, so it aggravates the shit outta me when pictures pop up of her “cradling her belly”. Dammit, it’s not gonna fall out! She sure got in a hurry to seal the deal!

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  19. What I want to know is why would that woman tell you something like that knowing that you were missing a cat? She had to know that it would upset you. It’s not like you could identify them anyway. Now I am annoyed!

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  20. George Carlin had a whole schtick on “it’s my stuff but it’s your crap”. Our garage is where the original cats have their boxes and a food table, plus husband’s motorcycle that has not moved in 10+ years, kayaks, a freezer, who has room for a car? The garage is a crap magnet no matter how much cleaning and donating we do, like a vortex or black hole or some other space anomaly. We have cat ashes buried in the yard, so I won’t be getting a carcass report if I move so there’s that.

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  21. Joop, I am right there with you about the baby bump. I agree with LaUral, SD was the escape expert. I hope they haven’t dug up your cats, fmr., and I can’t imagine having a dead animal under your house and not knowing…smell. When the critter committed suicide by chewing the wiring in my husband workshop, he KNEW there was something dead under that shop. Yuck.

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  22. I hate the term “baby bump” so much, any time I hear someone use it I want to say, “Oh god, you mean like a tumor??” and then launch into a story about a bump I found on my knee one time that turned out to be benign. If nothing else, it would change the subject.

    I think the one that grosses me out the most is when they have the photo of the pregnant woman with the guy standing next to her with his hand on the “belly”, and he has that super accomplished look on his face like “I put this thing in here with my PENIS.”

    Now I’ve grossed myself out for the morning. Apologies to all.

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  23. And the angels sang. I can’t even read any further because of Meghan. OMG, YES. It’s not the second coming of Christ. Well, we don’t think so anyway. And I GET that it’s a big deal, one’s first baby and royalty, and all that, but she is not the first woman to get pregnant. AND AND AND, apparently she’s a royal bitch to her staff and to Kate’s! What NERVE!! Rapidly falling off the Meghan bandwagon now. Barely hanging onto the ugly wagon wheel that will become a table that no one wants.

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  24. Megan isn’t even due till May. How can she be showing enough to constantly hold her belly? Yeah, annoying. I’ve read some comments on Instagram and some of the people that made comments about being annoyed got seriously bitched at by all those in favor of constant baby bump pics.

    I signed out of Facebook for awhile. Do you ever miss it or do you just forget about it?

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  25. Hey, Joob, once you’ve sprinkled kitty litter all over your street so you can get out, would you stop in at my place (suppressing, almost, urge to say come onna my house) and lend me some? Because otherwise I’ll have to spread puppy pee pads from my car to the street.

    Then we can collide at the corner.

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  26. Maybe the animal bodies are a) not cats, and b) predate your time in the house. That’s what I’m going to think, because I can’t stand the idea of SD being down there. Although if any cat could figure out a way out of a locked box underwater and magically appear right behind you, it was that guy.

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