In the kitchen with June · June's stupid life

In which June suggests it’s that time of the month for St. Francis

It’s Sunday night. Does 6:48 p.m. count as Sunday night? In 12 minutes, The Wonderful World of Disney would be coming on if this were real life, because 1973 is real life and I don’t know what the hell this is. Anyway, it would be coming on, and my mother would be preparing a Swanson’s TV dinner for me, and I’d mos def have the “It’s Sunday night” angst, so I say 6:48 p.m. counts as Sunday night.

If this were a Saturday at 6:48 p.m., it’d totally just be early evening.

Anyway, it’s Sunday and not 1973, and I do not have a Swanson’s dinner for myself.

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Nor a Libbyland Sundown Supper, which I ate like it was good back then, and which I’m quite certain was devoid of the chemicals.

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Seriously, what was WRONG with me? Why did I eagerly accept this slop? Is that a person’s liver? 

I did, however, just now prepare another large pot of pumpkin chili to last me this week, and I used Libby brand pumpkin, as it was on display at the Ghetto Lion grocery store I now go to in my new marginal hood. It was up there with the pie crust and whipped cream, and I suppose it’s someone’s whole job to make those little displays at the grocery store. “Here’s everything to make fruit salad.”

“Here’s all you need to make lasagna, in one convenient display.”

“Ass itch? Here are the ointments for you, plus a doughnut to sit on!”

They oughta have the “You’re single and you know it” display, where they sell 40s of malt liquor and Mallowmars. Videotapes of Sleepless in Seattle.

Anyway, last Thursday night, we had our work Christmas party.

“Yes, June, you already told us about that.”

No, I didn’t. That was the work Christmas party for the whole office. THIS was the work Christmas party for my department. The creative department. We’re the creatives. How much do you suppose everyone else hates our Fame, I’m Gonna Live Forever guts? Like, how annoying does accounting think we are, do you think?

IMG_0891.jpegWe had the party at a gallery downtown. So you could eat and drink, but then also shop for shit. In all, a perfect way to have a party.

And, like, let’s say all of a sudden you’re becoming an introvert when your whole life you were an extrovert and you’re all, Maybe she’s born with it, Maybe it’s clinical depression. You don’t know. All you know is everything is different all of a sudden. Let’s say the idea of going out now repels you when it used to compel you.

IMG_0889.jpegBut look! Here’s a party where you can leave the crowd and sniff soap!

IMG_0922.jpegAlso, I got to wander off with Lottie Blanco and Jane West, who every time we came across a gaudy sparkly item, they would say, “This looks like you, June.”

Hmpf. (Secretly wanted every sparkly gaudy item.)

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Blue Moon. I saw you looking like the back of a bottlecap.

Anyway, eventually, I got into the swing of things. Then went home and crawled into ball for 72 hours.

Actually, I pretty much did. I went to work Friday, but awoke with a migrane that day. I blamed it on the

ONE

FUCKING-ASS

GLASS

of wine I had Thursday. I really cannot drink at all anymore. Not even a drop. I get a migraine every time. I took a pill and the headache went away, mostly.

So then I ended up working late, and coming home and wisely having Chinese, which, by the way…

IMG_0996.jpeg…this can’t be good. Right? I mean, it’s been nice knowin’ ya.

Anyway, I went to bed at a reasonable hour and woke up Saturday with

THE WORST

migraine. Oh my god. It lasted ALL DAY. I stayed in bed all day long. I got up only to let the dog out and slap pet food in bowls.

IMG_0943.jpegThis gave the animals ample opportunity to observe me. I swear they have to report back to some sort of headquarters.

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Edz calleeng Orson. Come ins, Orson.
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Diss def nit lee go in report.
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Eyeriss can’t see a fekking theng.

And because I know that EVEN WITH a 24-hour MIGRAINE I managed to photograph three of the pets, SOMEone will still be all, “Where’s Lily?”

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Lillee a mom now. Go ‘way.

I think she loves Milhous.

Anyway, then today I had to cram in all the errands I meant to run all weekend into ONE DAY, and here it is now 7:08 p.m. and I’m all, Can I just get to the part where I can lie around and enjoy my own self today?

So Ima wrap this up, but before I can lie around and watch Poldark like it’s good, which it’s not but now I have to know what happens–though really I don’t care what happens, I just kind of want Poldark to take off his shirt. Before any of that, Ima make some avocado salad dressing that I read about that sounds good.

What you’re gonna wanna do is not add cilantro to that recipe. Because cilantro can suck it.

I don’t KNOW what’s up with me and the actual cooking lately. I’m like Rachel — no, I can’t even say that about myself. I love self too much to E-V-O-go there.

IMG_0990.jpegI leave you with this squirrel standing on St. Francis’s head, a thing St. Francis probably liked, unless he’s on the rag or had to get a lot done or something, in which case he’s probably all, Goddammit.

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Yew going to hell wif mom, milhows.

XO,
JUUN

42 thoughts on “In which June suggests it’s that time of the month for St. Francis

  1. I wish we could have our work party in a gallery. That looks fun! We have the hotel ballroom/wedding band kind of party. That’s why I’ve only gone to one Christmas party in my almost 12 years here. It’s just not my scene.

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  2. Hard cider makes me get all flushed, sweaty and headachy. I am obviously allergic to something in it. Naturally, I reaaallly like the stuff. I am allergic to the sulfites in wine. I am best off with hard liquor in a mixed drink but I am not supposed to mix that with three of the medications I take. Getting older sucks. Being diabetic two drinks feels like eight. More economical but dangerous too. St. Francis and I can live with it. It’s the sugar and carbs and the diabeetus that I am struggling with.

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  3. What a bummer that you had migraines all weekend. I think I’m coming down with a cold that I don’t have time for. I am procrastinating grading papers, and it is my last set, so here I go, back to work.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  4. Oh, and what about that shot for migraines? Did you investigate and report back already and I missed it?

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    1. My doctor wants me to try some other stuff and revisit in 6 weeks. I’d have probably not lost Saturday if I weren’t fucking revisiting.

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      1. Cautious doctors suck. Luckily, this one will either retire or die in the next few weeks now that you’re seeing him/her.

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  5. Am I the only one here that adds “in bed” to the end of every fortune cookie? I was told to do that when I was in my sleep-with-everyone-because-you-still-have-decent-legs-and-your-muffin-top-hasn’t-fully-baked youth, and haven’t been able to shake it yet. So, “Abort, Retry and Ignore in bed.” That certainly seems to be MY fortune recently.

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    1. We used to stand in front of the juke box and say the names of songs and then add “between the sheets” to all the titles. “You Ain’t Nothin but a Hound Dog between the sheets”
      “Ride Sally Ride between the sheets”

      Gawd, we were hilarious!

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  6. So sorry about the migraine. My allergy doctor told me years ago wine triggers headaches, he told me what ingredient was the guilty party, but do you think I remember, maybe it was mold, oh I don’t know. Wait…I googled, it is the sulphites/sulfites. The gallery is a lovely place for a party, I would enjoy that. I’m in the avoiding large crowds group. That is so sad about sweet Iris’ vision not doing well. Are you sure she didn’t jump on Edz on purpose. She has always said she couldn’t see, but she lies. Do you think her being attacked has contributed to her vision getting worse?

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  7. Yes to Poldark! Ross is a bit of a twit, but I sure do love his long-suffering gorgeous wife, Demelza.
    I am very sorry you suffered all weekend. And I totally understand about not loving large group gatherings any more. I have always been an extroverted type and yet I just don’t love giant crowds in the past few years. Small crowds I can manage. Like the one I had Saturday of about 20 or so crammed in my kitchen for my annual tamalada. I can do that. And if you are ever in the mood, you are welcome to attend and just wander in to the loud crowd and then back outside to sit and watch the birds and the deer. Happy Holidays to you and the herd!

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  8. I gotta tell you I am so grateful you are posting again. I have tried to read other blogs in the morning, but it is like trying to eat a fat free muffin. Not remotely satisfying. I giggled multiple times during this post — but not at the parts where you had migraines. Is it just red wine that does that to you or all alcohol? Also did the Chinese food trigger the second one? My daughter is getting migraines lately too so I am interested in the dang triggers.

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    1. Triggers can include sulfites, MSG, dehydration, any weird food you might be allergic to, lack of sleep, hormonal fluctuations during cycles, the moon being in the 7th house while Mercury aligns with Mars, that sort of thing. Also? Everything else. Migraines are fun.

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  9. Accounting finds you all annoying. That’s my bet. I have always been in the sales/marketing side of companies with no creative department and we supply the drama. Everyone is annoyed because sales/marketing is so loud and emotional what with the hissy fits, throwing pens and slamming doors. But we plan the parties, so they keep us.

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  10. I will share with you the Once Hilarious, Now Pitifully Sad fortune cookie joke I torture my family with every time we have Chinese Food: I open the cookie, study the paper and announce my fortune: “You are about to eat a stale cookie.”

    The first time it was mildly amusing. Now they are all so over me it’s just sad. I only hope their exaggerated eye-rolling counts as cardio.

    Cilantro is the devil’s spice. The devil on the rag’s spice. The devil in menopause on the rag’s spice.

    Iris is NOT blind. She’s a faker.

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    1. You know what’s sad? Her eyes are getting so much worse. I have to take her BACK to the vet because they’re so bad now. The other day she jumped off a chair and right onto sleeping Eds, who sort of bit her a little bit because he was asleep and then CLAW TOWN came to visit. He was visited by Claude Monet.

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    2. I once got an empty fortune cookie. No fortune for you! My friends were all like “Ooooh! That means you get to write your *own* fortune! Lucky you!” And I was all like “This means Ima gonna die.”

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  11. A gallery with the Creatives. Now that is a party. These are best ever photos. Sorry about the effing migraine. A couple of days ago I began to wonder if Lily still does those loud kind of mrows in the night that she used to do after she disappeared and apparently was resurrected or something. I’m glad she has Milhouse. I also wondered if we are allowed to know how Charlie is. And if you’re reading, Marvin, I hope all is well with you and your family.

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  12. I feel ya on the wine. I’ve tried everything: loading up on water beforehand, taking an antihistamine, using those wands that remove the offending culprits whether they are tannins or something else, taking a migraine pill before I go to bed as a preventative and finally, drinking some dehydration crap before bed. I’m in denial. I just can’t drink anymore, not even one glass…

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  13. Sunday nights always have a sort of sad feeling to them. Except when I was on maternity leave, it was the best night of the week.

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    1. Pretty sure it’s their version of SpaghettiOs with meatballs. Which weren’t as good as SpaghettiOs with hot dogs, but hey – getting SpaghettiOs AND a TV dinner? That was a good meal!

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    2. Pepperoni-cabbage Jello!! I think I remember really liking the pudding, and I’d like to try that now to see what I think, much the same way I tried Reunite Lambrusco 20 years after high school and was astounded at how bad it was.

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      1. Reunite! I loved it back in the day but have sworn off red wine as it is a migraine trigger so haven’t had it in years. I was bar tending about 20 years ago and every time someone ordered it I sang Reunited and it feels so good…. no one found me amusing.

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    3. When I read this on my dinky phone I thought it might be spam, but looking at on my laptop it is some unidentifiable something with rice, maybe.

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  14. Sorry about the migraine. They really are the worst. Wine seems to be a nearly universal trigger, which is just frankly bad form, Universe.

    Soy is a big trigger for me, but thankfully soy totally sucks anyway, so it wasn’t a real big give on my part to have to part ways with it.

    If I had to give up alcohol, I’d have to have a serious discussion with St. Francis.

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  15. JUST when I was about to hop up from my chair and get ready to leave for that thing they call “work” and I call “servitude”, up pops a post from June! Now I feel ready to face my day in chains!

    Lovely party! Sorry about the migraine! Lovely post! Gotta run!

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