June’s major purchases

Last night, I went to our outdoor mall five days before Christmas. Hey, let’s send this Hindenberg up. And other good ideas.

I needed a calendar.

I also needed wrapping paper.

At said outdoor mall, there were literally traffic police in the road with whistles. Two of them, on one road, directing traffic. I ran them both over.

I HAVE wrapping paper, is the real rub, but it’s in this chest, and by that I don’t mean my ample bosoms. I mean it’s in this wooden sort of hope chest that belonged to my great-aunt Wa, who was underrated. She was hilarious, but not where’s-the-lampshade hilarious.

My point is, I can’t get it open, the chest. I really can’t. I’ve pushed and I’ve poked and I’ve sworn at it. In fact, my whole life lately has been one big dead end. I can’t get on any of my utility websites to pay my bills (FUCK YOU, DUKE ENERGY), and when you call they say, “For 24-hour service, visit us at Inept Utility Website dot com!”

I can’t go five minutes at work without being interrupted. And even the interrUPtion makes me lose my train of thought. Even if I say, “Hang on, I’ll talk to you when I’m done,” I go back and can’t remember what I was doing.

Everything ends in frustration lately.

So when I couldn’t open the damn cedar chest, I said forget it, I’ll just go get more wrapping paper at the not-at-all-chaotic outdoor mall. I don’t know why I keep calling it the “outdoor mall,” which must make you think of people in Calcutta selling their wares on blankets.

This is what I mean. That you have to leave one store, go outside, and get to another store, rather than Ye Olde ’70s Closed-In Mall like I grew up with.

Anyway, I went to the Hallmark store and to the Barnes & Noble, and got me some wrap-ass-fucking-paper. It has point-fucking-settias on it. Merrrrrrry Christmas!

Oh, suck it.

At the Barnes & Noble, I am delighted to tell you that I got an overpriced notebook, because I use them all the time as a migraine diary, a place where I write down all my GODDAMN PASSWORDS (FUCK YOU, DUCK ENERGY), and so on.

Look how cute! And it’s the color I like. I think they think Ima use it as a bullet journal, and if there’s anything I 100% don’t get how to do, it’s a bullet journal. Have you ever watched one of those How to do a Bullet Journal videos? Oh my god.

I tried to find you one on YouTube just now, but I refuse to put any video on my blog that starts out, “Hey, guys!”

So.

Bullet journal people are exactly “Hey, guys!” people.

But then while I was up in Barnes & Noble, I shopped for a calendar. And that, 87 paragraphs later, is where we started this journey.

First of all, Barnes & Fucking Noble, what the fuck? They used to have them on shelves, and this year they were crammed into this thing and onto an equally inconvenient shelf. To look at any calendar, you had to risk the whole thing toppling on you and what a stupid way to die THAT would be. “She died of calendars.”

Picking a calendar is big for me. This year I tried to go without and I forgot eleventy-thousand birthdays. I need it in front of me, in advance. My calendar needs are strong.

The pictures matter a lot. And I know people think because I like cats I want stuff with cats on it, but I don’t.

No.

But beyond the kibosh on cats or puppies, I need a calendar with big squares for each day, a view of the previous and next month, and the phases of the moon.

It’s a whole undertaking. And a yearlong commitment.

A calendar of all my mom’s boyfriends circa 1976. Yeah, no.
For you, tiny asses. Namaste.

This one was so…fucking soothing. I don’t wanna look at a stack of rocks all of March.

Too photographic. Maybe had these been drawings. Aren’t you glad you weren’t with me? Aren’t you delighted you kind of are?

I don’t wish to brag, but I wrote this one.

I mean, maybe you could try for busy images next year. This is what it’s already like on the inside of my head. No, thank you.

In the end, even though that apostrophe is, in fact, incorrect, I went with the farmer’s [sic] market. The farmers don’t own the market. I’m on year 22 of being a copy editor. I’ve researched this. Trust me.

So those were my major purchases, and I’ve another one coming up…

I sold my house in July, four days after I listed it, and my closing date was September. My whole goal in that interim was to use up as much of my shit as I could, and not buy more, which was great for moving but now I find myself out of baking soda and stuff you just assume you have “in the back.” “Look way in the back, isn’t it there?”

So I was 100% out of soap when I moved here, and had to run to Target on day one and buy a damn shower curtain and some damn soap before I could shower. I was under so much duress that I

STUPIDLY

purchased liquid soap.

I HATE liquid soap. I never feel sure that I’ve covered all my parts with it, it rinses so fast, and now I have this fear that since September I’ve not actually washed some part of me and any second now I’ll come down with gangrene.

And to make matters even worse, I bought TWO of them. Two! Why? When I know I hate liquid soap.

The good news is I’m almost done with the second bottle, and I’ve been strong and persevered, and soon I can buy bar soap like a normal person and wash away the gangrene.

That about sums it up for major purchases, and I hope you’ve enjoyed this hard-hitting day of Book of June. I wrote this whole thing with Iris on my lap.

XO,
JOOP

71 thoughts on “June’s major purchases

  1. Oh my gosh this post was hilarious. I’m with you on the whole love-cats-but-don’t-want-a-cat-calendar. I love kitchen wall calendars and they have to be just right. Scotland is a big favorite. I too love bar soap because I get all the expensive hand made soaps that are the best flavors ever ( like Out of Africa, kid you not) .
    So anyway, for your New Year’s present you will be receiving your very own soap and Hindenburg calendar.

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  2. If we are going to be picky, the title is saying it’s the FARMER market (based on the position of the apostrophe). Otherwise it would say Farmers’ Market, not Farmer’s Market.

    I know that even having English as a very second language. I’ll see myself out now.

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    • * I meant the title is saying the farmer owns the market, not the farmers own it. Writing from a tiny smartphone makes it harder to be picky the right way.

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  3. My calendar is usually Mexican kitchens. There are some gorgeous ones, loads of colorful Talavera tiles, rough-hewn wood shelves, long, low counters to work on. And I have to have a whole month at a glance. Those weekly ones throw me off.

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  4. I need a wall calendar in the kitchen, but since I don’t really care about anything but the dates, I got a calendar from ARC for $.49 and was perfectly happy with it. Then we did the Celestial Seasonings tour in March and they were clearancing out their 2018 calendars for $2. So now I have the beautiful art on the covers of the tea packages with each month.
    I’m a bar soap person too, and bought a 10-pack of some Dial glycerine soap a while back, which i will probably be using for the next 10 years since I’m the only person in our house who uses bar soap.
    Lovley post, JOOB

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  5. My JOB is seriously interfering with my time on this blog. ROOD. I had a very crazy day today.
    I use a google calendar on my phone because I can easily keep work and personal calendars together, but at home I MUST, MUST have a weekly desk calendar. Right now my fav is the National Gallery of Art. It has a page of weekly calendar across from a page of lovely art. There’s a little explanation of the art, too. On the rare chance I don’t like it, no big deal, gone in a week! Barnes and Noble used to carry them, but now I don’t even bother to look. God bless Amazon! Hanging wall calendars mystify me. The squares are too small and writing vertically is no bueno.
    I am relieved to know there are other calendar-persnickety people out in the world, and, look!, here you all are!
    Lovely post, June! Lovely post, April! Lovely post, May! Oh, wait.

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  6. I am equally picky about my calendars. I need a wall calendar with pretty pictures for the kitchen. Then I need one I can keep in my purse and I’m ridiculously picky about that one. Like, searching at three different stores to find just the right one picky. And then I also use a weekly desk pad which I absolutely love. I sit down Sunday evenings to fill it out and I can’t tell you how useful that exercise it. It’s this one and no I don’t get a commission if you buy it. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01FL5TBD0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

    For my birthday this year my sister bought me a personal size calendar (!!!!!). My first thought was “I’m going to have to use this whether I like it or not.” (Petty, I know.) But she actually did a really good job and even mentioned that she looked for one with lots of room on the individual days since I write so much down. What a good sister!

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  7. You are a brave woman to hit that outdoor mall at this time of year. I went the other day and the person directing traffic tried to get me killed by motioning I could turn left but neglected to stop the oncoming car until I pointed at it! Usually, they open a calendar store in that mall about this time of year. I bet they would have more to choose from and know how to display them properly.

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  8. My university puts out a wall calendar with really gorgeous photos of campus. EXCEPT! January or February always has a picture of some frozen concrete statue with snow on it, and it’s all gray. I am not looking at that for a whole month when I am already freezing, so I pull out one of the nice summer or fall pictures and put it over the frozen picture.

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  9. Great post. Speaking of the Hindenburg, we had a dear friend that saw the Hindenburg go down and managed to get a piece of it. When he died his family donated it to a museum in New Jersey where he grew up. Just a piece of trivia.

    I buy five-year calendars from Miles Kimbell, they are pricey, but they have big squares for notes, which I keep in pencil, and most holidays, but no moon phases. I get farmers almanac calendars from the local feed and seed store (maybe Chris and Lily will have these) that have every possible farmer information in the world, moon phase, signs of the zodiac, length of days, sun rise and set, stock gestation table, egg incubation periods, and on and on. We get all sorts of calendars from various organizations, but our favorite is from Colonial Williamsburg, all the photos are beautiful and soothing.

    I’ve had a password book for years, probably since owning a computer. I would be nuts with out that little book and I keep an extra copy in our fireproof box, along with our address book. I’m a bit paranoid.

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  10. So apparently we all had the idea to go calendar shopping last night because I, too, was in B&N looking for a cat calendar for my Dad, and was silently complaining in my head about how they have them displayed now and you have to pull out every one because they are all mixed up. I also had to be so close to some poor college girl who had her coffee and what looked like a big paper project in front of her so that I could get to the backside of the display. Oh! And I bought that Bob Ross calendar for myself! I love those paintings!!

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  11. I, too, spent an annoyingly long annoying time trying to peruse the B&N calendar section and had the same experience. Crammed, smaller selection, I can make those spinning racks hum. no, no, no, no, no, no, no . I study the back pictures of the ones that catch my attention and if there is even one picture that I don’t like I won’t buy the calendar. A month with a bad picture is a bad month. I need one large one for birthdays, one desk one for appointments, and one for my purse to use for writing down appointments when I’m out and forgetting to transfer them to my desk calendar. It is not a fine system. And I know all about syncing and I this and that but I hate electronic calendars.

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    • In my MIND, I still think Ima get a Hallmark datebook. Like, I was just there last night and did they offer me a free Hallmark datebook? No. They likely don’t make them anymore. But in my mind, if I had one, I’d be all set.

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      • I have a desk drawer full of those dating back to the late 1970’s. The little ps at the bottom right corner for my friend. I had a syatem for when I did the deed too. So damn young and yes, I am a saver.

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        • For some reason I called my little monthly friend “Fred” and my calendars from those days were marked with Freds and little stars for those special nights too.

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      • They DO still make the Hallmark datebook! I haven’t gotten one in a million years but I struck gold this year. My favourite calendar is the Family Calendar – two pages for each week – lots of room for writing. Not a hanging up type of calendar. Under $10 at Costco.

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  12. The cheapie calenders I’ve been buying do not have the moon phases on them and that pisses me right off. It’s been dog yoga recently. I’ve never done yoga in my life. I like big blocks to write in as well. Those outdoor malls are the thing now. I like them except in lousy weather. Less germy, less fear of a shooting? May be psychological but it feels better.

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  13. Since I give calendars to each family member for Christmas, they tell me which ones they like so selecting the right one is much easier. Like WAIDT Pam, I mark each calendar with birthdays and anniversaries, wrap them up and then I’m done. We believe in making gift-giving low key. The true gift is being together as a family.

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  14. I would never have guessed that you were a bar soap person.
    I, too, obsess over the calendar every year. 2019 is Game of Thrones in honor of the last season.
    Lovely post, Juniper.

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    • Really? Oh, I love a really good-smelling soap. A lot of them make my throat close up, though. Soap shopping is a lot like my calendar purchase. What does every ex-boyfriend MEAN when they say high-maintenance, anyway?

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  15. The pouf is the key to liquid soaping success. Without one, half the soap goes down the damn drain without cleansing your body. Plus it makes the shower floor slippery. But I guess you don’t need this pearl of wisdom since you are going back to bar soap.

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  16. That Handmaid’s Tale calendar… what are they thinking?!! Yikes. I’d never want to wake up and see what the day held for me with that thing. I get an alumni calendar from my University of Higher Learning. It has wonderful pics, so I get to see what’s new on campus.

    Day-to-day, I am old school. Paper calendar, see the whole week, look at the month, etc. We are one with each other. It’s well-used, marked up, and I even keep a pack of post-it notes clipped in the back. I do love office supplies.

    I am cleaning out the freezer, nothing remains but the ice. Starting the new year fresh, but doing it now. Ready for some changes. Also, love the Aveeno Skin Relief body wash. I have a weird, itchy skin condition (that is not eczema), and it works nicely for keeping the itch down. TMI?

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    • I love that stuff. I am also rashy/ itchy and adore it. I agree on the puff. I have sponges too that I use with my Beekman goatsmilk soap. I love my bath products. Beekman is pricey but all natural and it lasts and lasts. The original is great for sensitive skin and body parts. I love the florals for the scent.

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  17. “Last night, I went to our outdoor mall five days before Christmas. Hey, let’s send this Hindenberg up. And other good ideas.” Dead.

    Regarding Barnes & Noble and their ridiculous calendar displays — what in heckfire are they thinking? They used to have tables full of the page-a-day kind and a whole row of wall calendars facing out so you could see them. Now you have to wedge your way around the stupid display area for the Nook (give it up, we don’t want one) and, in my store, if you’re looking for a desk calendar/planner, stand two inches from people and their lattes to peruse them on the cafe side. Try harder, B & N.

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  18. I really, really hate to spend money on a calendar. Because all through my life they were free and available in droves. Everybody got cheap and stopped giving them away. Although I always get one in the mail about March. So I print mine out, and yes, I have to have one in front of my face, no electronic one.

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    • My grandmother, the one I’ve become, used to get a free Holocaust calendar every year. I’ve no idea where she got it. Maybe from her Cheery Inside Your Head Support Group.

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      • My grandparents had one from the Polish, Catholic “undertaker”. It had all of the Saint’s Days, Holy Days of Obligation etc. I doubt they ever bought one their whole depression era wed (1931) lives.

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          • I wonder if they still have them? I was there in May for my best friend’s mother’s funeral. We walked from the funeral home to the church and then to the cemetery. We could have walked to the caterer’s too but we drove and parked in front of my grandparent’s old house.

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        • I love it when someone says “holy days of obligation” and actually knows what it means. Signed, Lapsed Catholic Linda

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  19. You should have called me, June. I have enough wrapping paper, boxes and bags to share with you and all of your readers. I’m not even kidding. It looks like Hallmark blew up in here. Also too, I get a lot of free calendars this time of year from places like ASPCA, Guiding Eyes, etc. I could have sent you one, but I’m pretty sure they’re full of animals. Try Olay body wash (not advice). I detested liquid soap/body wash until I bought Olay Age Defying body wash. I love it.

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  20. We are so very similar! I could never jump back in to a project at work after being interrupted. In fact, one brief interruption could ruin an entire afternoon for me. And I have to have a physical calendar in front of me to remember ANY dates.

    I recently started using the Kanban method for all of my work tasks, and my productivity has soared! If you want to know more, visit https://lifehacker.com/productivity-101-how-to-use-personal-kanban-to-visuali-1687948640. This is not a solicitation or referral or me trying to sell you anything. 🙂

    Merry Christmas!

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  21. Glad to see I’m not the only person who’s fussy about my calendar. Similarly, there are at least very few cat calendars that I like, even though I love cats. I blame it on calendar cats looking slightly weird and dopey most of the time…probably because it’s easier to photograph cats if they’re missing a few brain cells or you drug them first.

    That teapot calendar makes me anxious. I do like the farmer’s[sic] market calendar though. Good choice.

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  22. I had the same experience at Barnes and Noble while trying to buy a wall calendar. Ended up buying a National Geographic one of Ireland.

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  23. We are similarly old school here. I print a calendar from Outlook and put it in a notebook that sits at the end of our kitchen counter. Every late December, I prepare by going through and entering birthdays, anniversary, etc. It’s interesting to see what we did, our own “Year in Review.”

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  24. “Not wonton any more” – BAH !

    I got so confused when the story started with a calendar and quickly moved to wrapping paper. I thought “oh no. June got interrupted and forgot what story she was going to tell us!” But it ended well.

    I haven’t used an actual calendar in 15 years. I wish I had had an electronic option when all my kids were having eleventy seven events per week per child – all those years of color coded calendar writing would have never happened. Do you still write checks, too?

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  25. I’m cheap, I bought a dollar store large print calendar. No pictures but enough room to adhere half of a post-it for temporary items that might move. We also use an electronic version but this is in my face each morning.

    Is the trunk locked, by chance? If you had movers, they typically carry a ring of skeleton keys to secure those pieces of furniture. They’re supposed to unlock them but…

    Lovely post, pretty June!

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  26. I’ve been trying to empty out my freezer for months and every time it starts to have a little space we seem to have a trip to Costco or Sam’s where you have to buy 37,000 wontons at a time and by the time you get halfway through the bag you never want to see another wonton again so the half filled bag takes up space in the freezer until the end of time!!!

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