June's stupid life

Product ’19

I need to get over making titles with “19” in them.

When I was a kid, I thought being 19 was the coolest age. I mostly thought this, I think, because my father was friends with this guy from work who was 19, and we’d all go to the hockey games together. I thought he was the hippest, that guy. He had black feathered hair and a large mustache. He kind of looked like Super Mario, now that I’m dwelling on it.

Let’s hit that hockey game, 9-year-old June. Hope for a hat trick.

Is a hat trick hockey or bowling? Oh, Michigan. How you vex me.

Anyway. I realize it’s the most wonderful time of the year and all, the time right after the horrific holidays, and yesterday, my favorite day of the year, I didn’t even get to write you. I was running late, and also I assumed some people were just returning from the tropics or wherever and had to catch up on my 57 posts, read the tragedy that befell Iris and so on. I gave you time to peruse. See how good I am to you people?

…I just now wrote a whole hilarious paragraph and FUCKING MILHOUS deleted it. He’s been kicked out now. He’s in boarding school.

milhows be the debbil

Kittens are wonderful IN THEORY.

So I got up on the most wonderful day of the year yesterday to this.

Apparently, 2019 is Voltaire hair year.
So I did the best I could with water and product and got this. Then I was kind of pleased!

Since November-ish, I’ve been using a line of products called Prose. As with everything I buy now, I got inspired to do so from Instagram, who knows JUST how to tempt me.

On the Prose website, you fill out a questionnaire about your hair (Answer: Troublesome) and they send you shampoo, conditioner and “conditioning mask” just for you. Conditioning mask is where when your hair is really bad, you wear a mask. “Wait. Is that June or Mrs. Livingston from The Courtship of Eddie’s Father?”

What I was starting to say till the ADD kicked in was that Prose is giving me larger fatter curls and I like them as long as they don’t SPROING like that in the a.m.

And also, I’ve been obsessing over Curly Girl groups on Instagram (I wonder how Instagram knew to send me shampoo ads) and one person did a whole tutorial yesterday on how she refreshes her “second-day” hair (days you don’t wash your hair), and I wanted ALL OF HER PRODUCTS that she used. Then I remembered Faithful Reader Not-Gwen sent me an Amazon gift card, so I

STAMPEDED

there for those products, which will all be here in a matter of days, so THANK YOU, Faithful Reader Not-Gwen.

Once I got to work yesterday and was thinking about work and not my hair [Disclaimer: Am always slightly thinking about hair], a package came from me from the beleaguered mailroom guy, who is 100% over me and 100% over all y’all all for sending me things, but don’t stop. “Another one of your readers,” he always says, sighing.

But it wasn’t a package from one of you. It was from my Aunt Mary. I’d sent her and her spouse some Google Home speakers for Christmas and they hated them and sent them back.

I decided to keep them for my own self. Oh my god, last night was fun.

Because…

Also, WordPress has this new editing system and I have no idea why my movies are so lean-to-the-left-y.

Anyway, last night I had my Google Home calling me Dimebag Cooter, Hot MILF, Ass Poop and today it’s calling me Queen Victoria. That alone was worth the price of admission, y’all.

It also played me a guided meditation I squirmed and got distracted through, woke me up this morning and told me the news and weather and how long my commute will be (Answer: Still six minutes.)

Tonight when I get home, it’ll say, “Good evening, Queen Victoria.”

Oh, and also, while I was home last night obsessing about Home, which is a new sad level of recluse I’ve entered, I had three men over here

[chicka-bow-wow]

to fix my plumbing

[chicka-bow-wow]

for three hours

[chicka-bow–STOP, QUEEN VICTORIA DIMEBAG].

Since I moved in here, I’ve had zero good showers. Ten minutes in the water turns ice cold, and the last few moments are always panicked Silkwood shower-ish. It dawns on me that it’s JUST ME showering here, so what the hell?

I called the plumber, and they took out coils and recoiled and lay still in the grass all coiled up and hissin’ and after three hours and

SIX-HUNDRED FORTY-FOUR DOLLARS

they said I was all set. I have a three-year warranty on their repair, thank god, because guess what.

Silkwood freezing shower today after 10 minutes.

Has everyone SEEN Silkwood? Do you even know what a Silkwood shower is? Silkwood is a good movie. It has Meryl Streep, and Cher being a lesbian. And I believe Kurt Russell being straight. No, they do not both tag-team Meryl Streep. God.

So I guess I’ll be calling the plumbers again. Plumbers, by the way, who were big fans of the Edsel/Milhous love fest that went on here until this morning’s unfortunate transfer to cat boarding school.

I mean, the two of them are ridiculous. They wrestle. Milhous gets on his sandy toes to rub his head on Edsel. He walks back and forth under Eds’s legs. The two of them are a regular show. And they were really showing off for company last night.

My neighbor’s rooster just crowed, and I feel very Olivia Walton as I type you on my giant computer, the way she did in every episode. I must go now and dry my hair, as I rinsed it under the ice water that was my shower just a bit ago and it’s not remotely dry.

Man, he just crowed again. Do you think Peter is out there deceiving anyone?

Biblically,
June

42 thoughts on “Product ’19

  1. I recently ordered the shampoo and conditioner from Prose, but it hasn’t shipped yet. Did you chose to have silicone in your products? I know the Curly Girl Method doesn’t allow for it, but I had them put it in anyway. Now I wonder if I chose wrong. I would also love to know the Instagram account that suggested products for second day hair!

    Like

    1. The Instagram account I look at is CurlyGirl. Different people suggest different products that worked for them. For me, I have either 2C or 3A hair and I think it has high porosity. You gotta know all that before you just try products willy-nilly. IT’S A GIANT COMMITMENT.

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  2. I have been thinking of ordering the Prose hair products. My hair never knows whether to curl, or frizz or just be flat as hell. It varies according to heaven knows what.

    I have the Alexa and had to turn the damn thing off this weekend when I was watching Schitt’s Creek with the daughter of the show being named Alexis.

    I hope those are reputable plumbers who will come make their work right today, pronto!

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  3. I loved loved loved Silkwood. I even wanted a Honda Hatchback Civic because of that movie. Cher was fantastic. And Siri can shove it. She never even deigns to answer me half the time and then she doesn’t know shit.

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  4. Based on your recommendation and results, I put in an order for my very own custom blended Prose hair care system. I probably should get a hair cut before it arrives.

    Anyway, I too am a sucker for those Instagram ads. Not including Prose, the last one I fell for was Splendid Spoon. I have to give that a thumb’s down. The “smoothies” were one step above flavored and colored water. A breakfast smoothie should be thick enough to need a spoon and it should be fruits and protein and leafy green vegetables and taste really good. One of the smoothies actually had ONION in it. Who the hell puts ONION in a breakfast smoothie? Philistines, that’s who. Yeah, I cancelled before I even finished my first week.

    When we got our new home security system, it came with Google Home. We got the main speaker thing and 3 Mini speakers. After about a month, I unplugged the Google Home because it would randomly start talking, which is something you don’t want to hear in the middle of the night. And my daughter is paranoid that it spies on you so she refused to have one of the Mini speakers in her room. I also really don’t know how to use it properly so that could be a factor.

    Lovely post, old lover!

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  5. Your hair looks great! I love that kitten, he’s growing so fast and today he looks big purched on the furniture.

    I described your shower problems to my retired home inspector, he said it could be the hot water heater is full of sediment or the dip tube has disintegrated to the point it can’t pick up the hot water in the tank. If it’s an electric water heater have heating elements checked. If the water heater is over 10 years old the solution is a new water heater.
    Tee

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    1. Thank him. But the heater is from 2015. They took out some ooky-looking coily things and thought that was the trouble, but it wasn’t. It’s too new to replace, if you ask me.

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      1. You are right, too new. Maybe it just needs flushed out. Now he’s asking me a thousand questions! Oh my gosh! I hope your local, on-site repairman can get the problem solved. A camp shower is not fun.
        Tee

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  6. Peter/rooster reference? I immediately began trying to remember a Brady Bunch episode where that wacky Peter pretended to be a rooster. Please to remember that I am a Pastor/Army Chaplain/Seminary Professor wife.

    Oh June, my old lover.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You must move around a lot while you sleep. I tend to sleep like the dead, flat on my back, one leg up like a flamingo. Why don’t they bury people in the position that they normally sleep? If you sleep on your side with a pillow between your legs wouldn’t you want to spend all of eternity like that?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Anita, have you been peeking in my window at night? That is exactly how I sleep, and how I would want to be buried if I wasn’t going to be cremated.

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  8. Until I saw “Biblically” I thought you meant Peter Pan was crowing outside your window. I love Peter Pan. The hair looks so great. I want to say Prose is worth every penny, but I don’t know how much they cost so ….

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  9. Today we have learned that Milhows is Satan, that he tempted Peter to deny his Lord (Peter’s, not Milhows’s), that he is probably responsible for The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, and that if he inhabited Google Home we couldn’t tell the difference.

    Why no Poetry line of hair products?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m a nurse and the other day I told a younger coworker that I needed a Silkwood Shower after an orthopedic surgeon got plaster all over me while I was helping him put a cast on. The blank looks I got were priceless.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. We get wet (body, soap and cloth) with shower on . Turn off water , shampoo hair, soap up and wash all parts. Turn water back on to rinse.

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    1. That does sound dreadful. Like some kind of horrid summer camp. I start the shower a good five minutes before I’m ready to get in just to get it nice and steamy.

      I think June needs a new water heater, in my unprofessional, zero plumbing experience opinion.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. We have Alexa and love it – Best twenty bucks we ever spent. I have to turn it off when my son’s 14 yr old friends come over. You can just imagine the fun they have with it. (For the record, Alexa will not show you her tits, she is not that kind of girl) Ugh, teenage boys are the worst!

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  13. I know from Silkwood too. Cher is great as an actress IMHO.
    Yes, hatrick is one sports term I be knowin’. Slipping into a bit of 1976 Philly slang from my palls Herbie and Phillip of cooking class. A female student was fat? (Not moi, but I was), “My girl be steady lunchin'”. Phillip, who had the longest, curliest eyelashes and pretty eyes, longed to give me a hickey. His girlfriend was quite dark skinned and he said it wouldn’t show. She was next door in cooking class and I fully expected her to come in and see it and kick my ass. That was the most fun class ever. I slipped into that memory because it was ’76/’77. The Philadelphia Flyers won the Stanley Cup in ’74 and ’75. T-shirts proclaiming Hat Trick In ’76 were a big thing. That is how my crazy brain works
    I would be oh so pissed about that plumbing issue too. You forked over the big bucks, they need to make it right now.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. We don’t have Google, but my son and I have Siri on our phones. He has his set up to speak in a female Australian accent, and to use his name whenever it addresses him. Of course, he didn’t use his real name and it destroys me every time I happen to overhear it:
    (female Australian accent) “The current temperature is thirty two degrees, Mr. Mudderfucker Jones.”

    (Those of you who don’t know me and are now appalled, relax. My son is thirty years old. It’s not like I have a ten year old calling himself Mudderfucker Jones. MISTER Mudderfucker Jones.)

    Silkwood. Now I’ll want to watch that and it won’t be free anywhere and this will be your fault.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I ask Siri questions in the car all the time and I get infuriated when she directs me to a bunch of websites. I’M DRIVING, SIRI, FOR CRISSAKES. If I could look it up, don’t you think I would have, instead of asking, you officious twit?

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I guess it’s better to know the Bible than it is to know sports. (And it’s hockey – hat trick is hockey. Turkey is bowling.)

    I laughed and laughed watching your Google Home antics. Maybe you’ll get sponsored by Google and then you can stay home and just demonstrate ridiculous things that you can do with Google Home Speakers. (Say Google a few more times.)

    Your curls look wonderful! I’ve noticed of late that my stick straight hair has begun to grow some body and wave as I age. How old are we when we have to cut our hair really short and begin dying it blue? I’m probably finally gonna have great hair right at that age.

    Also, too who doesn’t know Silkwood. That was Cher at her peak. That and Mask and Moonstruck and Mermaids and Witches of Eastwick… she done good. I haven’t seen her turn in Mamma Mia, so I can’t comment on her current on screen skillz.

    Lovely post old lover!

    Liked by 2 people

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