June's stupid life

Annie get your gum

Because my madcap adventures never stop, I had a dental cleaning yesterday. Oh, June, that’s crazy.

I’ve been going to a new place because the dentist I went to for 11 years had a hygienist who talked endlessly. I don’t mean she talked a bit. SHE TALKED ENDLESSLYYYYYYY. Plus, it hurt when she did my teeth. Probably because she was talking and not paying attention.

So some years back I screwed up all my courage and called the office. “Yes. Um. Next time I go in, may I be scheduled with Muta instead of Chattina?” And they did it. I was so sweaty asking for that, worrying they’d say, “But why?”

And the next time I went in there, I was cleaned by Muta. Oh, she was wonderful. She spoke occasionally like a normal person, and the whole experience was lovely.

Then the next time I went in there, everyone was out for a funeral except Chattina, whom they decided should stay behind and man the office. Gee. Why. Why didn’t they want her along at the funeral, do you think? Why’d that person die, do you think? Did he or she die of chatting?

So she cleaned me to the tune of This is My Life Story Told in Painstaking Detail, and I did not make an appointment when I left. I thought I was so clever with that tactic. But when I DID call to make the appointment with Muta, a few months later they called to remind me of my “cleaning with Chattina.”

GOD DAMMIT. And that’s why I picked up my teeth and headed to a new office. And oh, this new hygienist is wonderful. She doesn’t hurt at all, and she’s pleasant but not talky, which may have something to do with the fact that I told her halfway through, “You know what I like about you? You take time to enjoy the silence.” And she agreed that talking endlessly was draining on her as well. And then it was super extra quiet and I felt bad. They probably have a note on my chart: VOW OF SILENCE PATIENT.

Our problem, and by “our” I mean women in America, is we feel the need to talk to establish that we like each other. Silence is only for when we’re pissed. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”

But really, when you actually like someone and feel comfortable around them, you can have an hour of silently doing your thing while the other person does their thing (in my head when I picture this, one person is teaching a chicken how to dance and the other is knitting Bible covers. You know how I say you never want to be in my head?) and it’s perfectly fine.

Why can’t we do that with our hairdresser, our hygienist, our manicurist? Why can’t we be all, “You do your thing and Ima read this Chicken Dance magazine”? Why isn’t that better than, “Did you have good holidays?” “Oh, ya. We ate a lot. Hah hah. You?”

Anyway, of course I need crown replacements for all the crowns I got years ago, and I love how when you’re paying $49,000 for those crowns they don’t mention they’ve got maybe 20 years on them.

Also, the free toothbrush they give you? Every time they give me one, I base how well my next six months are gonna go on the color of the toothbrush they give me. Like, royal blue? Price is Right losing horn.

Orange? Jesus, just put me in a coma for six months.

But this time? I got a lavender toothbrush! Ooooo, good times are headed my way!

Also at my dentist they give you a small tube of lip balm that I really like. This time my flavor options were citrus, ass and almond swirl. I went for almond swirl.

So that sums up my trip to the dentist, and I thank you for your attention to this pressing matter.

Hygienically,
June

46 thoughts on “Annie get your gum

  1. My husband and I go to the same dentist, and for a while we had the same hygienist. He would come home from his cleanings with all these stories of the things they talked about, and I always wondered, how can you have all these conversations when she has her hands in your mouth most of the time. I know part of my dentist’s “personal touch” is that the hygienists all review the patients’ files before the visit so they can ask about things like kids, but as soon as she starts working on my mouth, it gets quiet. I wonder too if they have my file marked Likes it Quiet.
    Lovely post, Old Coot.

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  2. My last dentist got arrested for possession of pot, arrested for domestic battery, he broke his hand doing some sort of home renovation project so a sub was there when I went for a cleaning, he came back from the broken hand and the next day had a heart attack on his lunch break so I had a sub again for my next cleaning (he survived the heart attack). But he was a really good dentist so I kept going there. And he was cute and smelled good. Eventually he sold his practice so I have a new guy now. Way less drama.

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  3. I had a chatty therapist one time. I went to her for 3 sessions and for the first ten minutes of each session, she talked about her ex-husband and her son and how really she doesn’t mind that her son wants to stay over at his dad’s house but he just needs to let her know… I sat there and nodded politely and tried to figure up how much money she should deduct from my bill for those ten minutes. I didn’t go back for a fourth session with her because it irked me so bad.

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  4. One time I was getting a massage and the masseuse WOULD NOT SHUT UP. Hello, a massage is supposed to be relaxing and all Zen-like, and her giving a non-stop monologue on everything that’s going wrong in her life is NOT relaxing, thankyouverymuch. So now when I’m asked how I like to be massaged, I say “In silence.”

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  5. OMG I have had several years of tooth root dying, and the pain! So I go in for a root canal (my first one, I was more scared than when I gave birth.) and the root canal doesn’t work, do another one, then another one with a specialist, then I say no more torture, just pull the gd thing out. My teeth have curled-up roots, so they can’t get all the nerve. They wanted to do implants, but I said I’d just get a bridge. This happened with several teeth, so that I am missing quite a few. But you can’t see unless you’re looking in my mouth, and I can still eat anything. I guess eventually all my teeth will die and then I’ll be a toothless old hag.

    I used to have a chatty hygienist, but I didn’t mind her. I was sad when she retired.

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  6. I had a massage therapist one time who did not shut up for 90 minutes straight. After several times of, “I really prefer to just kind of zone out during a massage” and her still rattling off her life story to me, I realized that she just wasn’t going to ever stop talking.

    I made a note to make sure I never got her again, and the next time I went in, I had made an appointment with a different therapist.

    A different therapist who, as it turned out, had called in sick that day so I got stuck with Rambling Rachel again. I just found a new place after that. The woman had no “OFF” button.

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  7. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to speak up. My dentist had an awful hygienist and I simply refused to accept any appointments with her. Within 6 months she was gone; clearly I wasn’t the only one who had a problem. If we don’t speak up for ourselves, who will? No one, that’s who. And it isn’t fair to expect employers to intuit that there’s a problem with an employee that they haven’t themselves experienced; they have to be told so they can do something about it.

    But then, I’d rather be respected (nay, feared) than liked.

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    1. Oh, see, I want everyone to like me. So I don’t dare complain to the dentist or anything. Just last week I had to call a plumber after they’d been to my house to say, You didn’t fix the problem and I’d like my money back, and I almost died of discomfort.

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        1. Telling people to just get over their anxiety is like telling someone “Stop being bipolar.” Easy to say but not so easy to actually do.

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      1. The other day someone (a woman) told me she admired that I was “direct and unapologetic.” You would have taken that as an insult. I said “Thank you!”

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        1. No, I wouldn’t have. I think I am direct, often to my detriment. But what I hope is to be direct and liked. That might not work, but a girl can dream.

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          1. Roxie’s Mom – I think that probably was an insult, but good for you that you choose to see the world your own way. Anyone who works with an unrelenting chatterbox is well aware of the depth of annoyance they cause – they just need to deal with it and not expect paying customers to do their dirty work by complaining. And June did say that she requested someone else, but circumstances beyond her control put her right back in the path of ole Talk Your Ear Off. Sometimes it’s smarter to just go somewhere else and hope they don’t follow you there.

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  8. Teaching a chicken to dance and knitting bible covers. I love the inside of your head, June.
    I also love my dentist and hygienist.
    Mainly because he saved my teeth after I tripped and fell a number of years ago, smashing three to smithereens which needed crowns.
    He was and still is incredibly gentle so my childhood fear of dentists is long gone.
    Since then I’ve had three more crowns and a root canal done on one of them with no problems.
    My hygienist is also gentle. We do chat before and after my cleaning since we always seem to have a lot of catching up to do.
    The best part of my appointment is slapping on the headphones, grabbing the remote and watching the overhead TV. Thanks, Dr Ho.

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  9. Dang dentist. Every year in April they say “great no cavities!” Then in October when they do the x-rays they say “oh you have a cavity”. They always find one with the X-ray. They also go through the whole “have you thought of flossing? This is how you floss” thing. I floss every stupid night meticulously. I brush. I get a cavity once a year. Whatever.

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  10. I’m on my way to a teeth cleaning today. I enjoy the professional who accomplishes that and have gone to her for over 25 years. I’m not so excited about another round of “Let’s not plan all of the new crowns and filling replacements until after my cardiac challenges are out of the way.” Same conversation with the dentist every visit. And they have given me the same blue toothbrush the last four visits. I hope they just got a good deal on them …

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  11. I take headphones and tell them I’m listening to a book so if they need to talk to me, just pull it out of my ear. They never do. I’m also never listening to a book. I just want them to hush.
    Lately when I get a pedicure I tell them I’m on a conference call for work that I don’t have to talk, just listen. That was true one time. Not the rest of the times, but they assume it’s still the case.
    I’m dishonest about my need to NOT talk to people unless it’s my idea.
    My closest friend and I determined we were best friends because we liked to go to each other’s house, talk a couple of minutes and then nap or read. Not weird at all for me to sleep on her couch for a couple of hours and then go home. I feel like we’ve had quality time together.

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      1. I like how everyone shows HGTV now. We may disagree bitterly about the news, politics, world leaders and whether to raise our kids and pets like veal, but goddammit we all love some HGTV.

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  12. Hilarious post! Pam is right, PTSD from childhood experiences at the dentist! Needless to say, I HATE, HATE, HATE going to the dentist. I am in the process of replacing a tooth I lost late last summer. Short version of a very long story, my dentist wouldn’t listen to me when I told him I had a crown that was leaking, bottomline MY PRECIOUS TOOTH BROKE WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO REMOVE THE OLD CROWN!!!!!!! I was not a happy person, at all! He doesn’t do extraction, so I’m sent to a SPECIALIST. Took the ole gal THREE HOURS to dig my tooth out, they gave me so much novocaine, about half way through the digging procedure I started to shake all over. It was horrible. Dentist suggested next time I need to be put to under. REALLY!!!! If I have anything to do with it there is NOT going to be a next time. Now, I’m waiting for a bone graft to heal for an implant. Oh, I can hardly wait for THAT procedure. Then when that heals I get a new crown. I didn’t have dental insurance, so I’ve paid about one fourth of the cost of the broken tooth episode, however, when open season opened I added dental insurance to my health insurance. I bought high option of the best dental insurance offered. So 2019 is going to be the year of dental work. I really dread it. PTSD is right. I hate chatters. Just leave me along while your are working in my mouth.

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    1. Tee, that is awful. I’m so so sorry. My knees are all weak and I feel a little sweaty, just thinking about it.
      Also, why the hell are teeth not considered a part of your body? I mean to say, why isn’t dental work covered by medical insurance? It’s not as though your health isn’t impacted by your teeth. This is something that really makes me angry.

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  13. I go for my cleaning on Friday and no lie, I had to ask for an appointment around the dentist’s nap time. Last time I went he was “resting” and I had to wait 40 minutes before he could give me the all clear so I could leave. First of all, why is he napping on the job and where can I get one of those? Secondly, why would you tell me that he’s napping?

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    1. This is hilarious! Yes, whyyyy would they tell you he’s napping?? Does everyone in the office get a daily chance to nap? We are all supposed to be more efficient with one but how many work places allow it? 😂😂

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    2. Eh, a dentist resting could be something temporary like chemotherapy, where yes, he is continuing to work, but no, he cannot get through a full day without breaks. (but yes, I would also be annoyed at having to wait 40 minutes to get cleared to leave!)

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    3. OMG that totally happened to me, too! I used to have an elderly dentist. I liked him because he was no nonsense and never suggested unnecessary procedures, but the last few times I went, he never examined me after the hygienist finished because, napping. Nice work if you can get it! I switched dentists, but I kinda regretted it for a while.

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  14. This must be the year for dental work. I have to get a bridge replaced this month. Apparently it went bad over the summer and that was a nightmare. My face swelled up and just closing my mouth literally had me in tears if my top and bottom teeth touched. At the time they repaired it because my insurance wouldn’t cover the replacement until this month. Fun times.

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  15. OMG, the dentist. I am delaying having more major dental work done because last year I had an emergency root canal on January 3rd or 4th and maxed out my insurance. This year, just before Christmas, I learned I need more oral surgery which will again max out my insurance at the start of the year. So I’m putting it off, but it’s hurting my ear and surely not getting any better. My family is convinced that whenever my dentist is hit with a big personal expense (his yacht springs a leak, for example), he has his office call me in for a cleaning/checkup/new xrays. Lo and behold, a several thousand dollar procedure is needed.

    Nitrous doesn’t work on me. This baffles the entire staff. “We’ve got it turned all the way up.” They smack the equipment around, jiggle the tubes, realign the mask. Nope, nothing. So I have to be completely knocked out, thereby necessitating an entire day off from work AND a driver/sitter. I have had substantial work done with just novocaine and NO THANK YOU. Plus I’m so tense that I forget to breathe and that freaks everyone out. They have to keep stopping and yelling, “BREATHE.” Not upsetting at all, don’t be ridiculous.

    I don’t chat. And my response to people who do is, “Hmmm.” And if they are waiting for an answer because they chattily asked a question, then it’s “hmmm….what? I wasn’t listening.” Rude? Probably. I don’t care. Pay attention to what you’re doing. GOD.

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  16. I need to know who your dentist is!
    Get rid of all the things that are empty because the container no longer fits your needs [glass jar, I’m looking at you], and all the things that are either broken or go with something that is broken/doesn’t exist anymore. You don’t need to be reminded of all that negativity when you go into your bathroom.
    That’s a start!

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  17. I read an article this week about how open offices are driving people crazy because of all the TALKING. People hide to get work done and of course I thought of you June.

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    1. My work switched over to an open office plan, and I have never been more annoyed in my entire life than I am with every single one of my coworkers. My job requires me to sit and read 200 page contracts all day, and I swear none of my coworkers ever shut up. EVER.

      Not to mention the nail tapping, the chewing sounds, the guy who insists on whistling at his desk. I want all of their heads on a pike. I would actually take a pay cut at this point in exchange for my own space with a door that closes!

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  18. I love my hygienist (damn, that’s a hard word to spell correctly) bc she administers my nitrous oxide. Needed for cleanings. (Many bad dental experiences as a child, have left me with some PTSD-type reactions to going to the dentist.)

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  19. I love my hygienist even though she is extremely chatty. She went to high school with my son and she now has a cute little girl. I feel old!!! She’s super cute though. She will stop what she’s doing to talk which does make it take longer. Once in awhile I’ll get the older lady who doesn’t chat quite as much.

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    1. My Botoxer, fmr, used to stand there with that giant needle poised above me to finish her story. I always wanted to tell her, I’m not listening to a word you’re saying, you know, old Needle-Nose Pliers, up there with your enormous syringe.

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  20. No ass lip balm for you June Gardens! I knew you were a discriminating shopper.

    I don’t know why we feel the need to chat chat chat all the time. And it’s especially annoying when you just met the person and they talk at you like you’re old friends. “Soooo how are the kids?” Me: “What kids?” Kills the conversation every time. You don’t KNOW me woman. Don’t be asking about my family like you do.

    Loverly post old lover June with the pretty teeth!

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