Flush on the moth

I did it again. I once again turned off the pesky alarm and woke with a start–THIS time at 7:20 in the morning, even WORSE than yesterday’s debacle. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, other than my new hormonal situation (aka I’m old) means I awaken every night at what I assume is 3-ish. I never look at the time when I awaken. They say to not look. Someone once told me that “they” are the Van Pattens, which was probably funnier in 1982. Let’s say “they” are the Kardashians. Anyway, I’m always awake for awhile after I wake up in the middle of the night, which probably screws me up when the alarm goes off.

You know what’s awful? Is when you’re trying to make yourself go to sleep and you hear the birds start to chirp. Now that’s awful.

You know what else is awful but it’s going away? Those water bottles people used to use that had the little push-pull tops, and they’d KEEP THOSE ON, which, why? And then every time they took a drink they’d make this

SUCKING

sound that sent shivers down m’cockles. Why do you need that top? Just drink from the damn bottle.

Those seem to be going out of style, the sucky bottles. Now everyone has those long tin canteen things like they’re planning to leave work and hike the Himalayas.

I have no idea how I got off on this tangent.

My ADD is worse than ever lately. At Christmastime, my favorite FAVORITE time of year, I bought a really nice-smelling candle at a gallery in case anyone just showed up with a gift for me. No one did, because everyone abhors me, so the good news is I got a really nice candle out of the deal. They’re made locally and I want to go kiss that candle-maker flush on the moth.

On the moth. Goddammit.

My point is, I noticed this morning that last night I got out the matches but never actually lit the candle. I think someone as forgetful and scattered as me should not be allowed candles. They should give you some kind of test before they sell it to you, like with guns. …Do they give you a test before you buy a gun?

And by the way, those matches are from Chris and Lilly. I asked if they had any matches and they gave me this enormous box of those long, strong kinds of matches, and I was expecting just a tiny floppy book of them, you know? So now I owe them matches, and who doesn’t have THAT dilemma?

Do you have Monday off? I mean, assuming you work. We do, and I am glad of it. I’m certain I’ll spend the whole day thinking about Martin Luther King, as we are supposed to do. Maybe I’ll sleep late and have a dream.

Anyway, I have to once again leave you to go have lunch, and I hope my screwy sleep schedule isn’t going to become a habit because each day that I can’t wash my hair when I shower is another day I look insaner. I look like someone who’d get out matches but not be able to pull the trigger on lighting an actual candle.

Scatteredly. Matchlessly. Kissing you on the moth.
Juan

34 thoughts on “Flush on the moth

  1. I think I trained the eleven year old cat not to wake. My problem is Scrappy the five year old terrier terror who is prone to nervous bowels. He woke me every two hours the other night. His people food is getting super restricted

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  2. The sucky bottles creep me out too — especially if someone refers to the top as a nipple. Too… something that shouldn’t happen in public.

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    • Not that I’m against public breastfeeding! Oh jeesh this has gotten weird. Just adults sucking on nipples I just… can’t deal.

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  3. *I* do not have Monday off, because freelancing and being bad at time management. Plus I just got a panicked request for two articles by Monday, which is not my fault. Bah. But my kids and husband DO have Monday off. Jerks, all of them. I suppose I could be working right now, and then maybe I would be done by Monday. However, please refer to the first sentence.

    My husband went to a local coffee shop today. I don’t go there anymore, because the owner is aggressively pro-Trump, and coffee should not be that aggravating. Anyway, the owner pointed out a sign that said they would be closed on Monday for President’s Day.
    “Isn’t Monday MLK day?” my husband asked.
    “No, I wouldn’t take THAT day off,” the foolish business owner replied, “But I sure like our president!”

    My husband chose to just smile big and wish him a happy day off. I am tickled at the thought of the guy accidentally observing MLK day. I hope he doesn’t find out until it’s too late. I’d love him to realize it with a start about 2 AM on Tuesday. I don’t know how much Dr. King would appreciate my pettiness. Pettiness is just one more reason I will never have a day named after me. That and poor time management.

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  4. Those metal water bottles will be the death of me. When its dropped, it sounds like a bomb going off on tile floor. Why can’t a 5 year old hold on to it, I have no idea. Not mention puddles because they don’t put the lid on properly.

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  5. I’m currently deaf in one ear and half deaf in the other due to a middle ear infection (will find out on Tuesday what kind of surgery/procedure I have to go through to fix this). I couldn’t sleep the other night, then finally crashed hard. My deaf ear was facing up and I didn’t hear my alarm going off the other morning for a really long time and then finally happened to wake up thankfully. I had to scramble to get ready for work and that’s the most stressful way to start the day.

    Our firm is closed on Monday, but my sweet great uncle who was in the car accident last weekend passed away yesterday. His funeral is on Monday so I’ll be driving to a town about an hour and a half away for that.

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  6. I wake up several times every night and I always look at the clock.

    We do NOT have Monday off and on top of that, we are getting a snowstorm Saturday into Sunday and then capping that off with ice. Irks.

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  7. When I saw the title of this post I laughed. I knew it was going to be funny. You did not disappoint. It IS horrible when you don’t sleep well and you hear the bird chirping. I have never been a sound sleeper or sleep the entire night, unless I am sick. By the way, I do have Monday off, but I have every Monday off since I am retired. But, when I was working, especially on Sunday night, I would go to bed and could NOT go to sleep. I would look at the clock and think, “I have to get up in seven hours.” I would count down the hours and finally fall asleep around 4:30 a.m. and the alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. I was always sleep deprived. I am so glad I can sleep late most mornings when I can’t sleep during the night. I have discovered if I take 1/2 tsp. of children’s allergy medicine I do sleep better and I don’t sneeze all night long. Monday I’m going to the dentist. I already dread it. Am I the only person that hates going to the dentist?

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  8. I tried having a clock you couldn’t see from the bed and it just stressed me out. In the middle of the night I need to know if it is 2 am or 5:30 am. If it is the latter, then I don’t want to go back to sleep.

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  9. I loved this post for so many reasons! Thanks, June!
    I was a small child in the 70s. My mom said I called my shiny, black, fancy church shoes my Van Pattens. At that time I was too young to watch 8 is Enough so she’s not sure how I replaced patent with Van Patten.

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  10. One of the things I learned when I was suffering from menopause-induced waking up 12 million times a night is that when I do wake up, whether to use the bathroom or because one of the dogs is being a bed hog, I do not look at the clock. Never look at the clock. And I keep my alarm clock all the way across the room so I have to get up to turn it off.

    As for hair, I’ve been following a few curly girl accounts on Instagram and it’s not fair that they all have these gorgeous ringlets while my gray hair looks like a fright wig. The frizz, oh God the frizz! I even got my very own Prose hair care products and I’m not seeing much difference. Sigh.

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    • Keep trying! I apply all my product to wet hair and then do something the Van Pattens say not to do: I plop into a low-pile towel and let it sit. All of that has helped with my frizz. Also, using a hard-cast gel has helped. But I mean to say, keep trying. I finally found something that works well for me. It took a few months. I also started cutting my own hair (video on youtube) and that has been the BEST decision I’ve ever made re: my hair.

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  11. Can I just say how much I love that photo of Little June looking up in awe at that Alexander Calder mobile? It’s a really wonderful picture, and would look so cool framed and hung in your vintage Mill House.

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  12. Move your clock or phone or whatever tool you use to awaken someplace other than near your bed, so you can’t reach for it in your sleep. Also, too, then you have to get out of bed to turn it off, so you can’t fall back to sleep when you should be showering.

    Aunt K

    >

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  13. Check out the Clocky rolling alarm clock on Amazon.
    It’ll beep like R2D2 and jump off your nightstand.
    Eds barking waat dat and the kids chasing it should do the trick.
    ML’s unsolicited advice of the day.

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  14. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who blames the Van Pattens for everything. Especially that Vince Van Patten. He better hope we never cross paths in real life, the blonde bastard.

    Nothing really sets the crappy tone for a crappy day for me like waking up late and having to rush into work – a place I don’t even want to go to begin with. That’s like some kind of existential torture right there. Rushing and stressing over being late to someplace you don’t even want to go? I feel like this is strictly a human phenomenon, and seeing as Vince Van Patten is a human, I blame him.

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  15. I will have to say I was very curious when I got the notification with the title “Flush on the moth”! I can’t believe none of your cats wake you up at 4 in the morning. My cats have always done that to me periodically but the one we have right now is the absolute worst! He likes to jump up, bounce off my head, until I get up and let him out. Lots of fun – it makes me want to punch him flush on the moth.

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