Oooo, it’s a dramatic rainy, windy day here. I love dramatic weather. Also, would you like to know what’s not interesting? Other people’s weather.
That, at least, is one way I have not turned into my difficult grandmother: I am not riveted by anyone’s weather, not even my own. My grandmother used to sit around watching cable, getting the guff on our barometric pressures and so on, then call us to discuss. “It looks like it’s just pouring the rain where you are,” she’d enthuse.
Grammy had three little clocks my cute grandfather made her. Each one had a gold plate under the clock face with the names of my father, my aunt and me. That way she knew what time it was in all of our time zones. She knew my time and she knew my humidity, things I probably didn’t know myself.
And while I know I just said weather isn’t remotely interesting, I do have one more story to tell, but it’s weather AND dog-related, which makes it okay to tell.
The first thing Edsel and I do when we get up each day is stretch together, then we head to the back door so he can go out and sit on the toilet with his newspaper. While he’s out there, I make coffee or feed the cats or open the blinds or what have you, then I head back, where generally he’s standing longingly at the steps waiting for me. (At the old house he could open and close the screen door himself and that was easier.)
As I’ve already mentioned, it’s raining hard. After he got back in, I noticed he was following me as he always does, but there was an intensity to his follow that I knew meant he wanted back out.
Sometimes when it’s bad weather he ventures out to pee or what have you, but once he doesn’t agree with the weather he won’t actually do it unless I stand in the back yard with him. I don’t know what to tell you about this dog.
At the old house, I’d have to stand and get rained or snowed or locused on while he did his business, but at this house, I have a convenient awning. I will always have a yellow car and I will always have an awning. How did I live without either? (It’s really easy to find your car in the lot. With a yellow car, I mean.) (I suppose if I put an awning on my car I’d find it easily, too.)
My point is, we went back there, and as soon as he was out from under the awning, Eds squinted in agony. Oh, poor Edsel. Imagine having to poop in a downpour. He squinted across the yard like he was trying to find just the right location to drop a deuce. It looked like maybe he was gonna dial a Realtor soon when…
…he wasn’t out there to poop at all. He ran across the yard and got Blu and brought it back in. I think he was worried Blu was gonna drown.
Edsel loves three things: me, Blu and all cats.
But that is not why I’ve gathered you here today. Today I wish to discuss items you can’t find anymore, and how annoying this is, and why do companies have to be so greedy.
Yesterday I was at my computer and a coworker I will cleverly call Spence, since that is what everyone calls him, passed by and looked at my screen. “I’m trying to find Deer Park Strawberry Water,” I told him.
The thing about my job is, I might be looking that up to fact check it, or I might be looking it up for my personal gain. In this instance it was the latter. Look, it was like five to 5:00. Cut me some slack.
“I really like it and I can’t find it anywhere,” I kvetched.
“You know what I can’t find?” he equally kvetched. “Safeguard Soap in Beige. I only like Beige.”
There’s something you’ll never hear me say.
“They used to sell it everywhere and now it’s almost impossible to find.” He was right. I searched several websites. He gave me a whole rundown of local stores that used to carry it, but no.
My ex-mother-in-law used to love Chanel Gold lipstick, and they discontinued it, and I used to find it for her brand-new on eBay. What kind of freak hoards lipstick and sells it online?
Anyway, what’s your thing you can’t find? Doesn’t it irk the fuck out of you?
The end of my story, although I just told 12, is a happy one. After work, I had to go to Rite Aid to get root spray, as my alarmingly white roots are popping through AGAIN, and while I was over there in Beauty (which I always am. #AllThis), I popped over to the soap and FOUND some of the Safeguard Beige and, yes, I spent that $4 on my coworker. I am nothing if not generous.
Okay, tell me your thing you like and they are making scarce. Stupid manufacturers.