Ancestry DOG

[I almost couldn’t get ON here today. WordPress was acting squirrely. But here I am! The one that you love! Asking for another day.

Again, we need to work on deprogramming me of the Air Supply lyrics.]

Hi. I guess everyone enjoyed discussing what items they used to love and now can’t find.

A lot of people are sad that their lipstick is no longer findable, and my, June, what a good writer you are. Words just trip off your tongs or whatever the phrase is.

The point is, my phone was, as usual, listening to me yesterday because on Instagram ads–a place THEY ALWAYS GET TO ME, MAN–they had an ad for build-your-own lipstick. You got to blend the colors online and say what consistency you wanted and what FLAVOR, even (that was $3 more) and in the end, I didn’t do it. But now I can’t get it out of my mind. And even though I’m typing on a desktop computer, somehow my phone will know, and later Instagram will repeat, “Spend thirty dollars on lipstick, Jooooooon” and eventually I will succumb because

DOESN’T THAT SOUND FUN? Oh my god! And you get to NAME the lipstick! What should I name it? How about $30 Poorer?

Speaking of spending my money on things, I also ordered a DNA test for Edsel. Again.

Nine years ago when I GOT Edsel, when I did a build-your-own-dog online, when I said Ima build a dog whose bottom teeth stick out to Egypt, when I did that, I ordered a Wisdom Panel DNA test. They told me Eds is a German shepherd/Iris setter.

I mean, German shepherd I can see. But Irish setter?

manly, yes, but I like it…Blu.

After I spent a million dollars on the now-ironically-named Wisdom Panel, one of you said, You know, June, it looks as though you went online and built yourself a Carolina Dog. And like everyone else on earth, I said, What’s a Carolina Dog?

This is. This is a Carolina Dog. In other words, an Edsel. Kind of a more alpha version of Edsel. Mr. Rogers is more alpha than Edsel. Still.

Carolina Dogs, which the AKC recognizes, are from this area, big surprise, and they’re some of the last wild dogs left in the world. They came over like 9,000 years ago on the Bering Straits, whatever those are.

Carolina Dogs have been wild and primitive for so long, and kept to themselves so much, like Ted Bundy, that other breeds didn’t get in their bloodlines.

They evolved to do well in the wild, so they blend in with a field and their tails are curly for … some reason or another, I don’t know. I get bored with facts after awhile.

Once I was told he was a Carolina Dog, I thought, well, I can see that. But how would I know for sure?

A few years ago, I found a personality test for dogs online because I have too much time on my hands. The testing took Edsel and me like three days to go through, and in the end?

They politely told me that Eds is no genius, but that he shared the traits of the first domesticated dogs, with his “burgeoning” social skills. Which,

SEE? He’s a damn wild Carolina Dog. He ran callin’ Wildfire.

They also said his empathy was “through the roof” and I will not disagree with that.

Anyway, because I have too much time on my hands, still, yesterday I searched around and found a company that will DNA test for “primitive” breeds such as the Carolina Dog.

This girl dog is still more manly than Edsel. God, look at her. What a magnificent specimen. I wonder if this is how my parents have always felt. Like, wow, look at that one child who can play sports and get through life and so on.

So yesterday they had a special online, and I ordered a DNA test for Edsel rather than lipstick for myself, and I guess it’s these sacrifices we make for our children.

Is that how parenting works? You do something you totally want to do, like send your kid to boarding school, and then you act like it was a sacrifice you made for the kid? Cause that is brilliant. I wish I could get away with that. You make sacrifices for your cat and you just seem crazy, not noble.

Anyway, the test is allegedly on its way, and this whole waiting this has never been my strong suit. If it comes back German shepherd/Irish setter again, Ima be pissed.

Sincerely,
June

51 thoughts on “Ancestry DOG

  1. I did my share of kinky internet stuff when I first got my computer. 99.8% of porn seems to be made for men, or it was then. I prefer reading it myself. There is a site called The Clitoris where women wrote about their sexual experiences that I enjoyed. I have read that women prefer to read porn. I had a collection of Play Girls, a few Hustlers and some Penthouse Forum magazines from 17 to 20 years old. I even had two letters and a question published. I used my real name. (Initals & home town published). There goes my future in politics.

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  2. Yes that’s what parenting is. I bought my son a truck this week. Obviously I told him it’s because he’s such a wonderful child and I’m so proud of him and he deserves it. Truth is I don’t like to have to get up at 5am to take him to football practice and I want him to drive his little brother around so I don’t have to.
    Perfect combo.

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  3. Has anyone noticed that neither of my parents have gotten on here today to say, “Oh, June, we don’t think that way about you”?

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  4. I don’t intentionally look at porn but I did twice by accident. Once was when I was trying to order my kids’ Catholic school uniforms on line. The name of the store was Little Darlings. LittleDarlings.com was most assuredly not selling Catholic school uniforms. (This was years ago, so the domain may have changed; don’t want to disappoint any of you.) The second time was when I wanted to order some kind of sports equipment and typed in Dicks.com. That was just plain stupid on my part and clearly not the sports equipment I had in mind.

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  5. The DNA test I did for my Ernest T. Bass (who is a big block head of a Pitty Pit Pit) says he is 1/4 American Staffordshire Terrier (pit), 1/4 American Bull Dog (pit), 1/4 mutt dog they couldn’t determine, and 1/4 St. Bernard. !!!

    So now when he acts like a dick we say the Swiss is coming out in him. Maybe if you shaved a St. Bernard we could see some similarities, but I have my doubts on that one.

    I remember when you did Tallulah’s DNA. She was a regal dog.

    Lovely post, coot!

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  6. At a family dinner I said that it would be fun to order a DNA test. My sister pulls up HER profile on her phone, passes it to me and says, “Here ya’ go! Just saved you $79!” We all died laughing. We didn’t need anyone to tell us we are Irish and English. We are the Ghostly-Pale Family from Freckleville. Not hard to figure out.
    I giggled at everyone’s discontinued items and especially at their coping strategies. Good gravy – that was funny! I’m sure everyone took to their beds with worry over why Texas Kari hadn’t chimed in. Well, put your minds at ease. It’s Cameo cookies. Have mercy, I love those cookies. Can’t find ’em. Vanilla Oreos are NOT THE SAME, NABISCO!! I CAN’T BE FOOLED, NABISCO!!

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  7. GodDAMMIT, I had a pithy and informative comment and WordPress is being a dick about it and wouldn’t let me comment.

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  8. Burst out laughing at this post. Thank you. Edz could be the cover for Carolina Dogs Monthly. Subscribing since 1998.

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  9. Wait what were we talking about? Love the stream of consciousness the comments become. I won’t even pony up for the Ancestry test for myself let alone my kids or dog. You are the noblesst. maybe I can create my old 90’s lipstick. Stampeding!

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  10. P. S. No dirty photos or searches for me. The only p**n I’ve ever seen was at work and my work husband would try to shield me from having to look at the filth. Stupid people searching for inappropriate sites on a government computer and the net nanny goes off, so my office got involved. One guy said he was trying to check his stocks and missed one letter and it put him into a XXX site. Yeah, right. We tried what he said he typed in, he was telling the truth. He got a letter of reprimand for using his work computer to check his stocks. That was before cell phones were so smart and you didn’t need a computer.

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  11. Funny post, I just howled at some of it, and some of the comments. I think you are right about the Edz being a Carolina Dog. We do sacrifice for our animals and what thanks do we get? My cat has strolled off, probably for the day, and comes back late in the afternoon for food and to sleep on the bed. Several weeks ago she just strolled off for six days! I’m seriously considering a GPS type device for her rather than custom lipstick for me.

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  12. I love looking at those pages online. But I don’t look very often. Just once in awhile. I have a specific memory of the first time I saw that kind of video. I was beyond fascinated.
    I am always so close to ordering a DNA test for my Gryffin. I get close to clicking Proceed to Checkout and then stop myself. Do I need to spend $100 to have someone tell me I have a pit bull? I know I do. But pit bull isn’t a breed, man. This is my head.

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  13. Don’t worry. Eds won’t have to spit in a tube for his test. You get a long qtip thingy that you swab around in his mouth for 30 seconds.

    Daphne Dog just had her DNA test. Results came back yesterday. 50% Alaskan malamute, 30.8% Labrador retriever and the rest German shepherd. She looks like a yellow lab GS mix, so we weren’t surprised with those. But, 50% Alaskan malamute???? That was a shock. However, when we researched the malamutes, we found that her many vocalizations are definitely malamute! She makes a lot of other noises besides a few barks.

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  14. I was writing a story a couple of months ago and had to look up how to treat inflamed tits on a cow. You would not believe what started popping up on my feed. EWWWWW who looks at this stuff? There is a whole fetish population out there evidently for things that are well, to say the least, pustulous

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  15. Carolina Dog! Now that’s a match!

    I had two dogs, one brilliant and one “sweet”, and when I finally bought one of those dog intelligence puzzles where they have to turn a wheel to get the treat, my brilliant dog sniffed at it for a while and whined at me, eventually walking away treat-less. My “sweet” dog, the one who I thought may have been huffing model airplane glue when I wasn’t home because she was so dumb, walked up to it, turned the wheel, and ate the treat. You just never know with some dogs!

    I am now going to spend the rest of the day imagining the bucket of $30 lipsticks that I’m going to go broke designing. According to L’Oreal, I’m worth it or something.

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  16. I raised three boys so I’ve seen my share of what’s on the internet. I had to have the “let’s take a look together at what you’ve been trying to see” conversation with all three of them. And then had to explain to them that when you are ready to be with an actual real life female, she’s not going to be, look, or sound ANYTHING like the things you see here. Nor will she want you doing the things you see these women allegedly enjoying. They were both mortified and cured of their desire to watch grown up things on the internet once mom explained to them how unsavory it was.

    The stuff you can see without paying a dime is disgusting – I can’t even imagine what people see when they pay.

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  17. When you get your confirmation that Eds is truly a Carolina dog, are you changing his name to Raleigh or Durham? Asking for a friend….lol

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  18. I do not look at dirty pictures but I will search something random on Pinterest and then it is all random stuff FOREVER. Like how can one search take over everything. I am still trying to figure out what I clicked on to get me all the black girl problem memes. Not that I don’t enjoy them but I only have basic white girl problems.

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  19. I tried like hell to get my mom to do the match-your-old or build-your-own lipstick a couple of years ago when Makeup Forever discontinued her favorite bright purple lipstick. (She wore it every day. It was her everyday lipstick.)(Which is why my daughter calls her Gothma) But she didn’t, because it was $60 for two or three tubes, which really isn’t *terrible* but I could not convince her of that.

    Edz is totally a Carolina Dog. I thought that first photo actually was him. And the girl dog looks like his badass older sister. Maybe the Irish Setter is the part responsible for all the doilies.

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  20. If Edsel has any Irish Setter it must be on the inside, his brain, perhaps. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, With a Southern “Bless his heart” to go along with it. Also, I don’t always wear lipstick but I might if I could create my own.

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    • Exactly. When I first got his results, I read about how smart the German shepherd was and how dumb the Irish setter was. And the thing about Edsel is, every once in awhile he does something so smart, like knowing how to open my screen door at the old house, a thing Lu never even attempted, and I feel like the German shepherd was just dying to get out right then. Then his brain turns Irish again.

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      • Years ago, the people across the street from us had an Irish Setter. My mother commented that he had “a national obligation to be stupid,” which I actually think she stole from Suzanne Pleshette who once said that about her husband. Anyway, I never forgot that. Obv.

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  21. Edsel is totally a Carolina dog. I’ve been following those CD people on Facebook. Now I remember why.

    Instagram listens. Facebook listens. They ALLLLLL listen. And they know your relationships, too. My husband – who knows and cares less about social media than Edsel – will be searching for, oh, I don’t know, toilet parts on the internet of all things and within minutes my Facebook is touting the benefits of one flusher over another. Then I weird HIM out by saying “how’s the search for whatever part that was you were looking for going”. At least he knows that if he’s ever searching out the Best Escort Service that Instagram is gonna clue me in.

    Lovely post lovely June!

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    • Best Escort Service. Do you think they still call it that? Being that I’m not a man, I’d have no idea. Here’s a topic: Who here is a woman who looks at let’s call them dirty pages on the internet? I don’t want to type the P-word cause I’m at work.

      I don’t. The P-word for me is looking at build-your-own lipstick and the royal family. When did I turn into this person?

      Liked by 1 person

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