Purple Peruvian

Well, I made it. I made it through most of this week with -$5 in my account.

My intent since buying this house for $6 and living in the hood is to only use cash for life, so I paid cash for m’Botox this month, but as I told you, The Botoxer did a little extra here and there and it cost

MORE THAN $600

and it broke me. I was okay till the gas company took their automatic withdrawal. The auto withdrawal is a thing I have marked on my calendar as happening on payday and not the MIDDLE OF THE DAMN WEEK, GAS COMPANY.

RIGHT BEFORE PAYDAY, GAS COMPANY.

I’m starting to think I’m not going to get Botox anymore. It’s costy-pants. And it used to be that I could really tell a difference when I used it–I got this delightful eyebrow arch–and now? I’m so old and disgusting that rat poison doesn’t even work like it’s supposed to. I’m immune to rat poison, that’s how ancient I am. My brows stay dowager-ly down.

So this week kind of sucked on the cash and eyebrow front, but I had many groceries to live on, and the dog and 47 cats were stocked the fuck UP, so all was well. We just didn’t rent movies or drive through Subway, as the cats like to do. No big deal.

“mrrrr-yes, hellowwww? lillle like six inch toona pleeese extra cheeeez.”

Even Lily says, “Yes” before starting some sort of transaction.

And now it’s payday, yay, and most of that check goes to my mortgage, but still. In the old days? When Marvin first left and I had no job and I hadn’t refinanced yet? There was about $80 left over after I paid the mortgage. Now I pay $150 more than my actual mortgage, I save 15% of my check in my four-oh-wonk and I still have $600 left over.

Not too shabby. I mean, it’d be great to not live paycheck to fucking PAYcheck, but you can’t have everything.

Amazon said I could come back, by the way, and be an Amazon Associate. All I have to do is set it up and you see I’ve jumped right on that with my ambitious self. I know the setup is going to annoy me.

I still have a tip jar on here, but it’s this subtle one tiny line at the side of the page, here. I don’t want to be all, “FEED ME.” That’s my trouble. I’m not opportunistic enough.

Speaking of it being the end of the month, though, remember how I had so much trouble finding a suitable calendar to suit all my suity needs? I settled on a Farmers Market, no apostrophe, one. Here’s January’s riveting picture:

Potatoes, y’all. I mean, sure, it’s great to have a pinup of the Rose Finn Apple. Actually, that’s a great dog name. This is my dog, Rose Finn Apple. Oh, that makes me want to run right out and get a girl puppy.

no

Anyway, I’m holding out hope that February’s image is more riveting than potatoes. I mean, I rejected a lot of motorcycle and kitten calendars for you, Farmers Market No Apostrophe calendar. Step up.

I guess that’s all I have to tell you, which I admit was, you know, not a lot. Oh, as a result of yesterday’s post on tidiness, I went on Facebook and polled my tens of Facebook friends, asking if they made their bed. The poll hasn’t ended yet, but as of right now, 7:34 a.m., the results are…

137 — Yes
124 — No

Faithful Readers Paula and Fay said yes. Faithful Readers Bev and Deborah said no. I tell you this because their names are at the top when I click, “Answers.” I mean, I’m sure my sociology teacher from 10th grade answered, as well, but he wasn’t at the top of the list when I clicked “Answers,” so.

I noticed that most of the people I’m friends with in real life gave a definitive yes, furthering my theory that I make friends with thin sort of nervous women. I’m sorry, all the thin nervous women I’m friends with. I’m just drawn to you, like gray cats. Apparently you like chubby jolly women.

Well. “Jolly.” Is it possible to be mirthlessly jolly? Because that sums me up. And how long am I gonna be able to get away with “chubby” and not downright portly?

Okay, really going. It’s 16 degrees out and I think that calls for the blow dryer, or at least Laila Ali.

Dryly,
Juun

43 thoughts on “Purple Peruvian

  1. I pay extra on my mortgage each month as well. I’ve never had to specify where to apply it. They just automatically apply it as an extra principal payment. I pay some extra with the minimum/regular payment at the beginning of the month and I make an additional extra payment in the middle of the month out of my paycheck from the 15th. They both show correctly on my statement every month.

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  2. TECHNICALLY, if you are putting money away in a four-oh-wonk, you are NOT living paycheck to paycheck. Give yourself some credit, June! (And, ugh, pun thoroughly not intended)

    I just started a four-oh-wonk myself, at the ripe old age of 55, because I finally have a full-time job after 27 years. I feel very important and grown-up. I feel like getting a T-shirt that says, “Ask me about my four-oh-wonk!”

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  3. June, call your botox person and tell them you are not happy with the results. They should be lifting those brows for $600. I have been getting the poison for many, many years. It still gives me a lift. Yes, they can easily dilute botox with saline. You can even ask to see the vial to make sure you are getting the good stuff. You paid top dollar, you should look like a teenager.

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  4. “Statuesque”–better or worse than “portly?” One I truly hate to be called is “a big girl.”
    I sorta make the bed–just enough to hopefully dissuade any spiders. (Phobia, check.) Not at all neatly, though. Too tired when getting up, and then later in the day, huu care?

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  5. I make the bed, but then I crawl so carefully in and out of the covers that my husband says it looks like nobody ever even sleeps on my side of the bed. It’s not tidiness so much as laziness. I’m willing to lie uncomfortably motionless for 8 hours at night if it means I only have to make the bed once a week when I’m changing the sheets.

    He’s free to mess up his side as much as he wants because men are filthy animals and I’ve given up.

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  6. In the winter I make my bed differently than in the summer! Winter – pull up all the blankies, etc so it looks kind of made – in summer – make it pretty with pillows and all that stuff. It is cold here at night! So I like to make it easy for me and Marley and Mr. Peaches to jump in quick!

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  7. 1968, second grade, social studies lesson on differences and how they’re Just Fine. The teachers (two classes combined for this important lesson) called students to the front of the class so we would Get It. I truly don’t remember if Ward (early crush), the only black kid in our grade, was there. I do remember, “John, come on up (tall). Jeff (short). Vic and Val (twins). Elizabeth. (earnestly) Elizabeth is Not Fat. Elizabeth is Pudgy.”

    And that is how I came to hate the word pudgy.

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      • Awful thing #17: in every other respect, I remember that teacher as very good, interesting and funny. Good intentions don’t always get you there.

        Awful thing G: I went home and proudly told my mother about these progressive ideas. Her reaction, though muted, as she respected teachers, was what clued me in that this was not intentionally a great moment in education. Pudgy also reminds me of how credulous I was.

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    • Huh. 1968? Yeah it was about 1970 (6th grade for me) when our witchy art teacher went around the room and pointed out FAT kids.

      “Fat! You, you’re fat. You’re fat. Fat!”

      Yes, the same teacher also called us “morons”. I thought she meant Mormons and I remember being horrified that she was making fun of someone’s religion. It wasn’t until much later I understood morons…but I was still insulted.

      The late 60’s and 70’s… where not all teachers had appropriate filters.

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    • I thought I had it rough when my 7th grade history teacher put his finger on top of my head and announced, “YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT HERE”. Just what every 12-year old girl wants to have announced! “Pudgy” would have killed me on the spot.

      Of course, he’s also the one who gave us a graphically-detailed and certainly unsolicited account of the time he had to have a boil lanced on his butt, so there was that.

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      • These are terrible stories, too! On rereading mine, I didn’t make clear that I was not Elizabeth; Elizabeth was one of the smartest girls, had friends, was not slim, and had been called the F-word before. I don’t remember any aftermath in class but now I hope her mother gave the teacher hell. And I sat there like a dope and thought it was nice until I told my mother about it. Thank you, Mom.

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      • The good old days. Did anyone else have “weigh in day” when the school nurse would go room to room and weigh every student and announce the results out loud for the teacher to record on your report card? I vividly remember the boys congratulating each other for being beefy – because bigger is better when you’re a boy – while the girls cowered in fear of anyone knowing how much they weighed. It’s no wonder we all have messed up body image. I remember I was the first girl to weigh over 100 lbs in 7th grade. From that moment forward, I pegged myself as a fat girl. The day I graduated high school I weighed 113 lbs – clearly I was never fat. I can see it now when I see photos of myself. But then – not a day went by that I didn’t think about how I could lose weight. What a waste.

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  8. I didn’t do the poll either, but I make my bed before I get in at night. It’s weeks like this that remind you of how well you are doing now.

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  9. That photo of Lily is gorgeous. Well. Lily is gorgeous.
    I don’t make my bed, but I do straighten the covers so it might “look” made to the untrained eye, who doesn’t see the bedspread neatly folded on the trunk in the corner of the room with decorative pillows arranged on it.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  10. I did not answer on the Face, but I am here to tell you I make my bed every day. I leave for work early early early when my husband is still tucked up tight in bed, so I make sure to yank and tug and fluff my side of the bed so it at least LOOKS made. Also too I’m sure he wants to know I’m leaving for work, right?

    Back in the day when you still had to mail a check if you wanted to pay extra on your mortgage, we paid extra every month. That was when we still had hope we would ever actually own our house. About four years in, we realized they had been applying it to our FUTURE PAYMENTS. We only figured it out when they stopped taking automatic payments from our checking account because we were so far ahead of ourselves. And oh did they fight us on correcting that mess. They were like “oh… we see NOW that you wanted to pay that toward your PRINCIPAL! Based on all those NOTES you sent us! We will do that in the FUTURE!” Um… no. We had to call some banking regulation department somewhere and have a meeting with them and the bank. Took months but we finally got it straightened out.

    You’re far from portly June. I do have a theory though that staying chubby will keep the wrinkles at bay. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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      • By focusing on “The Only Important Thing Is Short-Term Profit” media which continues to inculcate in them the idea that 100% selfish and immoral, illegal, and unethical behavior is “just fine” and “the only *rational* thing to do,” I assume.

        That or buying really fancy sleep masks with the proceeds. Don’t know.

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    • When we first started paying extra on our mortgage the bank got their panties in a wad and sent us a letter saying we had to follow the “chart”. My questions was, what chart? THEIR amortization chart, which I had to request. They printed us THEIR chart and highlighted where we were on the chart and I had to follow it and only pay the EXACT amount of the principal and include a note. Each month I would pay extra, line through the payment on THEIR chart. Well, when we got to the end of the chart I wrote a check for the amount on THEIR chart. We got a letter telling us we owed more money. We went to the bank, took THEIR chart and present all the evidence we had carefully followed THEIR chart. They decided there was a bank error and our mortgage was, in fact, paid in full. Now I’m wondering if we actually over paid our mortgage!

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    • Our bank tried very hard to get us to change our monthly mortgage payment to paying it every 2 weeks. They claimed that having 2 smaller payments instead of one large payment would be helpful. Yeah, to them as they charged processing fees for each payment. Bastards.

      The company that financed our new work vehicle would not apply any extra to principal. They just kept applying it to the next month’s payment. I finally called them and they told me I would have to do online payments to designate any extra principal instead of mailing a company check each month. Sigh.

      Also, I had to look up to see which was correct, “principal” or “principle.”

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  11. “mrrrr-yes, hellowwww? lillle like six inch toona pleeese extra cheeeez.” Coffee. Out. Of. My. Nose. Lovely post, lovely Juun.

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  12. So either you are not drawn to me or I am the outlier on “thin, nervous women.” Either way, I shall sob delicately into my lace-edged hanky.

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  13. “…thin nervous women…” HAHA. HA. I wish. I am in in the chubby nervous women category. But maybe 2019 is my year. HAHAHAHA. HA.

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  14. You are NOT portly. Men are portly. Auto pay makes me nervous, because of what happened to you, the auto pay being paid too early. We paid extra on our mortgage, but back in the dark ages, when I wrote the check (I love internet banking) I always had to include a note to make sure the extra payment was applied to the principal of the loan rather than the interest (bank required those instructions every.single.month). That photo of Edsel made me laugh out loud. No.
    Tee

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    • Yes, fortunately now there’s a blank spot on the online form that tells them, “Put this toward the principal.” And yes, it’s spelled “principal” in this instance.

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