Yesterday put the ridic in ridiculous, and say, June, I don't think you get how that little wordplay works. It did, though. It put the ridic in ridiculous. First of all, I have a friend passing through a crisis, and I love to say that: passing through a crisis. It's just so dramatic. So I … Continue reading June’s dramatic day. Oh, that sums it up.
Taaa-daaa. I put this on Facebook yesterday and called it "The day we all said, 'PUG?'" Also, on Facebook, some people were like, "This isn't true" and I was all, it's, you know, pretty science-y, y'all. Do you also think there weren't dinosaurs? Anyway, Pug. Yeah. I went home and spoke German to Eds, but … Continue reading Edsel’s DNA is here
What is a smell you don't like that other people really do?
I didn't watch the Oscars. I don't have TV. I called a couple people and I was all, "You watching the Oscars?" and they were all, "Yep." And then I waited pregnantly for my invitation and none was forthcoming and goddammit. Then I tried to get it on my phone. ABC, not friends. But get … Continue reading Theme from White Castle
Last summer, we had a food truck at work. We have them a couple times a month when it's warmer, and people from our whole building frequent said food truck, not just my offce. (Also, as an aside, some days I'll get something from the truck and return to my desk with a Styrofoam container … Continue reading How to stop hating people
Yesterday, my pal Wedding Alex and I headed ... north? West? We headed in some direction to the mountains, as the Vanderbilts, personal friends of ours, bilt a mansion in the 1800s, and do you see what I did there? I gotta stop hanging around young women. Thelma Ritter and Louise, here. Wedding Alex was … Continue reading Bilt
I have today off! Because Wednesday is the traditional day to take one vacation day. A faithful reader sent me two passes to the Biltmore, a mansion in the mountains that the Vanderbilts used to live in. I wonder if they still own it. Like, can Anderson Cooper be all, "Everybody out. I want this … Continue reading June Gardens’ Day Off
Would you like to know what annoys me (vol. XI4a)? When famous, spectacularly beautiful women get asked, "What's the secret to your beauty?" and they say, "It comes from within" or "It comes from being surrounded by love." Oh, go fuck yourself. Everyone on earth adores me and I still look like an almond with … Continue reading Good-boned nincompoop
I've been waiting till payday, which was, mercifully, on Friday. I had a list of things I've been waiting to get, which included: Shampoo and deep conditioner for 2C/3A, low-porosity hair.Face serum that Hot & Flashy recommends. Yes, I AM obsessed with Hot & Flashy, and who wouldn't be? Look at her! Good gravy; she's … Continue reading June & Flashy
I got a message from the place that's doing Edsel's DNA. They're typing with someone named Geno or something, which, I guess I'm glad to get updated but just GIVE ME THE RESULTS. GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT. Do my movie references bug you? Anyway, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. FYI. I see that something … Continue reading Fun. Dip.
I have learned the most from the not-so-joyous things that have happened to me in life. Happy times? I learn nothing. If things had always been happy, I'd be starring in the remake of Forrest Gump or something. But like Forrest Gump, I do know what love is. Especially now. The last seven years have … Continue reading To the people who’ve disappeared because they didn’t approve of my love life
I guess my most thrilling news is that they changed the light in the vending machine at work. "Hey, Griff, did you see the new light in the vending machine?!" I asked Griff, my coworker, and I guess this last part of this sentence was unnecessary. Also, how horrible must it be to deal with … Continue reading Kitty Karry-All was the Mrs. Beasley of The Brady Bunch
The thing about death is we always think it's not going to happen, when in fact it happens to everyone. It really will happen to everyone, you know. Do you know anyone who's 6,000 years old? I mean, mornings after I eat many potato chips, I look 6,000 years old, but that's beside the point. … Continue reading News flash: Death is sad
It's Thursday night, and a train is rolling by, and I'm in my pajamas writing you tonight because I got a notice that I have a meeting early tomorrow. So here's my latest quandary. Last year, I didn't do any freelancing at all. I just got tired of coming home from a day of work … Continue reading Spend June’s money
In September 1985, I was starting my second year at Michigan State University. It was the very first week and classes hadn't even begun yet. They had this very stupid thing called Welcome Week. Welcome Week. Pfft. Shut up. Why did we need that, anyway? Let us continue our jobs or our summer romances till … Continue reading Special guest star, Marvin Gardens
When I got Edsel, he had normal teeth. maybe just hint of unnerbite. I got Edsel off a website, like how you'd order pornography or books or a bride from overseas. It was a "rescue" site that I now sort of suspect, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I … Continue reading The white underbitey
In the comments recently, someone came up with a great idea, and I'd love to credit the person by name but here's my scenario: Comments usually come in the morning, once I've posted, until midafternoon. Then everyone seems to get over it. I'm work work work working during that time. I'll see I have an … Continue reading Advice Day.
Well, here we all are again. Our metal chairs in a circle, with our styrofoam cups of coffee. Hiiii, June. This was a social weekend, or a sosh weekend if you're going for World's Most Annoying. It's also a time that I note that even though I paid for extra Botox, I see I have … Continue reading JA
I decided to sit outside with my coffee this morning and watch the sun rise. 6:48 a.m.Yes, I, too, wonder what that light is across the tracks. It's only visible when the trees are bare. 6:58 a.m.Sunrise. Now with Edsel ears. The whole time, I could hear my neighbor's rooster, a thing other people here … Continue reading Aw, nuts