Kitty Karry-All was the Mrs. Beasley of The Brady Bunch

I guess my most thrilling news is that they changed the light in the vending machine at work.

“Hey, Griff, did you see the new light in the vending machine?!” I asked Griff, my coworker, and I guess this last part of this sentence was unnecessary. Also, how horrible must it be to deal with me every day?

We have three vending machines, not including the soda machines, which I never use. One of the vending machines is “healthy” and has offered exactly the same things for three years and I never want to see a peanut butter Cliff Bar for the rest of my life. The other two are regular bad-for-you machines that have a delicious variety.

There’s one machine near Griff’s desk, and I’ve seen him leave notes on said machine re his gum. “Gum didn’t pop out,” one of his notes read, and I enjoyed his colorful language. That is the note of an editor. Not just that it didn’t come out. No. It didn’t POP out.

“I just walked past that machine. It didn’t have a new light,” kvetched Griff. Kvetching is his preferred method of communication.

“It does, though,” I said. “They even have a sign up touting their new light.”

Sure enough, we went over to the machine and there was, you know, everything. You know how sometimes there’s a noise, but you don’t really notice it till it’s gone? Almost eight years now I’ve been staring into the murky depths of our candy machine, not quite realizing that half the time, I’m all, “Now, are those Cheetos in that top row or Chesse-Its?” You really couldn’t see in there, it was so dark and mysterious.

“Now lit by LED!” the sign proclaimed. Oh, the Fritos were fluorescent. The Doritos were displayed. Everything was in its full glory, as junk food ought to be.

Meanwhile, the dryer really seems to be shrinking m’pants.

And that’s really the end of that story, except they no longer sell gum. “The gum row is empty,” kvetched Griff.

“Why don’t you just get gum at the store?” I asked him.

“I always forget, and besides, it was 50 cents in there. Where else are you gonna get that kind of deal?”

…He kvetched.

Meanwhile, Kitty Karry-All, over here, is obsessed with my candles. I put them on top of the armoire, but then the whole time I have one lit, he’s this guy. He’s Stare-y Grant. Also, could you make a note in the margins that the next cat is for sure getting named Kitty Karry-All?

Dear Mom: It was the name of Cindy Brady’s doll. See. Is why that’s funny. Kitty Karry-All was the Mrs. Beasley of The Brady Bunch.

Anyway, I fear that one day he won’t be able to stand it, and he’ll actually be able to leap to the top of the armoire, and burn his face off and then he’ll be, like, Make-a-Wish burned face kitty and at least maybe we’ll get to go on a cruise or meet ‘N Sync or something, and that is why it’s always good to look for the silver lining.

Really, he’s obsessed with everything, Milhous is. No open closet goes unexplored. No cupboard is not crawled into. You’ve no idea how many times a day I hear a muffled “mew” and he’s gotten himself stuck in something. Why can’t I ever get the mellow kitten? You know who was a mellow kitten? Iris. I should always pick blind cats.

alternativelee, we culd get NO MORE KITTENZ, mom

Finally, I leave you with one more thing: Something seems to be wrong with Edsel. I mean, aside from the obvious.

When Edsel fetches Blu, he runs pretty hard for five or 10 minutes, but then when he comes in, it almost seems like he’s unsteady on his feet for a bit. The other day he was crossing his paws in front of each other while he walked like he was on the high-fashion runway. “collur by ver-sotch-eee.”

And when we’re in the car and he’s sitting in the passenger seat, I can’t QUITE see it, but it almost seems like his front legs are shaking. I see it out of the corner of my eye, but when I look, it’s not happening.

no, edz fine. nothh eeng to see heer.
ware you goo?

Also too, and this is my final example, he’s sleeping more often. In the morning, he used to always know the second I was awake, and leap onto me ecstatically, and now he just remains snoring in his bed. And it seems like he doesn’t want to… hoist himself up.

I know this means I have to make my monthly visit to my vet with the butch haircut. I really like my vet with the butch haircut–she’s pretty brilliant. Sometimes I want to encourage her to grow her hair shoulder-length and scrunch the waves, but I don’t know that that would be a welcome suggestion. A little mascara and a tinted sunscreen wouldn’t hurt, either.

Also, her receptionist is this hot young tomboy girl who I have a serious crush on, and I don’t know why I’m, like, lesbian for a minute, but you should see me turn on the charm with that receptionist. She really is appealing. She’s like Leather Tuscadero cute. I’ll bet I could win her over with my current references.

Anyway, then I leave the office and I’m straight again, but that’s not why we’ve gathered here. We’ve gathered here to talk about the new LED light in the vending machine and also, what do you think is up with the Eds? Is it arthritis? Is eight and a half old enough for arthritis?

Is eight enough to fill our lives with love?

Don’t say it.

Don’t say it.

Don’t–

Go live your life like bright and shiny new dimes.

XO,
June, who has a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen windowsill

41 thoughts on “Kitty Karry-All was the Mrs. Beasley of The Brady Bunch

  1. Your use of alliteration is amazing! Alliteration is awesome, and it is alarmingly addictive as well.

    I may link this post to my class so they can see that a well told story can be about a light in a vending machine.

    Thanks for writing such great stuff!

    I also think Edz is just aging. My Franklin can stay in bed as long as a teenager now. It used to be that if I stood up he would wake the house up–and he doesn’t always sleep with me! Now? When my daughter gets up, she leaves him in bed while she gets ready for school. She has to force him to get up when she goes down stairs.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My sister’s dog has some spine issues and had a little doggie wheelchair for awhile. She took her to an acupuncturist and along with some “natural” medications, the dog walks unassisted.

    My dog is only five and she has to be called from her bedchamber for breakfast and potty time. She’ll get excited for a couple moments when she knows I’m awake, but will crawl back under the covers while I get up and get stuff ready. I have to make her get up to go out to potty.

    The sounds of me cracking a hard boiled egg is usually what will bring her out of bed lazily stretching her way down the hall.

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  3. Have had the singed-kitty experience. His tail, even while I was watching him. All my cats have always been moths. No more candles. Not worth it. My house burned down when I was 16 and I’ve never recovered from that trauma. I can’t do a gas stove either.
    My dog starting shaking in the car and not wanting to get up when he was around that age. He has arthritis (so do I). I wish I could afford acupuncture for both of us. When I was married (read: when I had money), I went for a dual session once a week, me and the dog. We both loved it. My vet said my dog’s shaking in the car is because with the arthritis and the configurations of the car inside, he can’t get into a comfortable position, so he tries to hold a certain position and his muscles get tired from not shifting position.

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  4. I was thinking you mentioned a long while ago Edsel quivering when you ride. Could it just be excitement. The other things sound like me getting older.
    Do you think he is acting differently now that his dangly tooth is gone?

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  5. Eds may have arthritis but try some natural stuff… not sure what. My Aussie was on Deramax (not sure if that is the right name but something like that) and I think she had a reaction which the docs thought was a blood disease…. I lost my Lollipup and I remain broken hearted. Co sequin seems ok….. just saying….

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  6. If your vet recommends a trial of Novox for Edsel, go for it! It is an incredible anti-inflammatory that my vet wishes worked for humans!

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  7. If they put Fritos in a vending machine at my work, I would be more Frito than human in less than a week. I admire your restraint at not knocking the machine over and raiding it like a Goonie going after One Eyed Willy’s treasure.

    I was thinking arthritis for Edsel at first, but with the shaking, I’d be more inclined to say a nerve issue? Maybe a pinched nerve, or a disc issue the neck? I know weakness and shaking in the arms can be a sign of a neck disc problem in people, but not sure about cats. I hope he’s okay.

    And Leather sounds like babe-o-rama. I say go for it/YOLO/etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have a jumping cat. He can actually still jump 6 feet straight up in the air! And he is 9 years old! So, I switched to only battery candles as the real thing was worrying me tooo toooo much – fire! I use incense for the beautiful smells that I miss from the candles – I can keep an eye on that!

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    • I share your horrendous vision of a burning candle getting knocked over. A firefighter friend said that burning candles are the major cause of house fires.

      Milhous, step away from the candle.

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  8. I wonder how many mid-century kitties were named Carlisle. Is that where the Brady Bunch got Karry-All from? Suddenly I have a great need to watch “To Tell the Truth.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sorry I can’t help you with Eds’ issue. Even the tiniest ailment in a dog makes me get all shaky-legged.
    Now I see WordPress has me back to 1madgirl. PJ/1madgirl, it’s all just one giant ball of fun and cynicism.

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  10. My used-to-own cat Yogi (lost him in the divorce) was infatuated with candles until he sniffed too close and singed his whiskers. Well, they didn’t really singe as much as they curled in the heat. For a long time he had two whiskers with curlicues on the end and he looked less manly. But they grew out or fell off or whatever whiskers do. Perhaps Millhous will be the same and get over it quickly. Did I even spell his name right?

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  11. Vending machines cannot be trusted, and it’s not just that they sometimes pop their gum. One of our co-workers bought a much-needed Dr. Pepper last week and it was hot. Not just room temperature, but hot. Not like your vet, but hot.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. The make a wish burned kitty. Awesome. I hope that joint stuff everyone is recommending works for Edsel. He can’t be old already right (even though every single workout makes me sore nowadays and he has 20 dog years on me)?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, and I had a fluffy calico who jumped up next to the gas burner on the stove once and scorched her fur. The smell was horrendous but she never did that again. Hopefully Mr. Millhous will decide to leave them alone before doing that.

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  14. My cat Augie turned 8 last year and we started him on Cosequin. It has helped him be more active and not seem like he is creaking around as much. Not that he enjoys it being sprinkled on his food. It makes his food “poo”.

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  15. One of my dumb cats had singed whiskers more than once. The first time I could understand, but when he kept going back to the flame? Come ON, you’re a cat not a moth.

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  16. I’m trying to envision Edz on steroids with ‘roid rage. Does that mean he’d flounce out of the room? Huff an extra-deep sigh? Actually dare to roll his eyes at you? Hmmmm …

    Seriously, though, I hope he’s OK and it is just aging and stiffness. (That’s what she said!) He is a sweetheart of a dog.

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  17. Edz sounds like he has hit middle age.
    Milhouse needs to stay away from the flame. He scares me with that stare.
    As for you having girl-wood over receptionist, hey who knows, maybe you are the charming patient who brightens her day.

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    • I highly recommend cosequin supplements for Edsel. It’s a joint supplement that really helps my older dog. My vet recommended it and I buy it at Costco, but I’m sure either your vet or pet store would carry it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I had a customer like that when I worked retail. I think she knew. She would ask my opinion on gifts she picked out for her girly girl partner. She was hot, slightly butchy but soft with it. Very attractive brunette.

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  18. “Everything was in its full glory, as junk food ought to be.” Snort!

    Edsel is getting older, but aren’t we all. In people age he’s 60ish now, running probably hurts. Hopefully, the vet will discover the problem and there will be a simple solution.

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  19. Poor Edsel. That sounds exactly like what happened with my Remy. It was arthritis. I took him for acupuncture once a week and it really helped.
    Your home is beautiful.

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  20. Oh please, Lord, let nothing serious be wrong with Edsel. How can I love a dog I’ve never met so much? I truly do!

    It’s a buff cat thing, that craziness. Our buff guy, Sly, singed his tail on a candle I had burning on the coffee table while I was in the kitchen cooking. I ran in because I knew that awful smell meant trouble. He was at least five years old at the time. He was OK, thankfully. He was also the only one of several cats to do that.

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  21. Grant Goodeve was such a hottie. Even though Tommy whatever his name was a more appropriate choice for me age wise at the time.

    June. When I read you at work I have to read a line and then look away to compose myself or I’d be laughing like a lunatic. Griff and the vending machine just about did me in.

    And I fear our Edsel is getting on in years. I really doubt it’s more than that. My little pup does a lot more shaking now that she’s older, especially in the car. No clue why that is – anxiety maybe? Maybe she’s learned she can’t trust my driving? Who knows.

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  22. Edsel is probably just aging a bit or it could be an equilibrium thing. Do dogs get inner ear problems? Maybe he is just not as young and chipper as he used to be, none of us are. When Make a Wish contacts you, you should ask for a baby tiger. I heard a tiger cub purring on a Siegfried and Roy special once and I have never gotten over it. Imagine a beautiful kitten purr times a thousand. It was awesome.

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