June's stupid life

Good-boned nincompoop

Would you like to know what annoys me (vol. XI4a)?

When famous, spectacularly beautiful women get asked, “What’s the secret to your beauty?” and they say, “It comes from within” or “It comes from being surrounded by love.”

Oh, go fuck yourself. Everyone on earth adores me and I still look like an almond with a nose.

It comes from within. Shut up. Are you saying Don Knotts had ugly thoughts and was dark inside just because he was goofy-looking? Your beauty doesn’t come because you’ve surrounded yourself with happy thoughts, you fortunate-boned nincompoop.

It’s a stupid question anyway. People who look that great come from a line of people who look great, no matter the sunscreen or water consumption, and Don Knotts’s people have always been goofy-looking and always will. I don’t know why I’m so anti-Don Knotts today. And I’m really not. I’m anti-phony answers.

In other news, a body was found in my old neighborhood. I realize I should have led with this, but I just saw Julia Roberts interviewed. The secret to her beauty, she says, is she has nice kids. And that is when I punched her right in the junk.

Anyway, I don’t know how much about my old neighborhood you recall, but it was quiet and 100% safe and nothing happened to me for 10 years other than that weird knock on the door late at night right before I moved. Did I tell you about that?

It was, like, 10:30 p.m. on a weeknight, and as soon as the knock came, my heart started racing. Cha-Cha told me to start my engines.

“WO WO WO WO WO WO!” said Edsel, racing to the door with my heart.

“WHO IS IT,” I said, trying to sound like a fit 27-year-old man with anger issues and a pistol.

“Delivery,” said the male voice. Delivery. Who are you, the Land Shark?

“WO WO snarrrrrl,” snarled Edsel, and he’s not much of a snarler.

“Ah, you know what? Never mind. Sorry,” said the murderer.

And that is the only thing that ever happened to me in that neighborhood.

It, my old neighborhood, was very quiet, other than there were busy streets on all sides of it. Each busy street was three or four blocks away, but still.

June Gardens slept here.

Anyway, in my small neighborhood was a small park that Edsel and I went to every day. It’s where we always threw his poop bags out. I mean, in the garbage. I’m not a savage. It’s because I’m lit from within by my happy thoughts.

It would appear, based on the news photos, that that’s where they found said body. The park, not the garbage. I can think of some neighbors, fmr., that I hope it is, but it might be that it’s some poor nonresident–say, Don Knotts–who was murdered elsewhere and dumped in my Edsel Poop Park.

I got up one night at 3 or 4 a.m. to watch a meteor shower in that park. I am glad no one accidentally threw a body on me.

…Oh! I just looked it up, and the death is not suspicious. They believe that the person is really dead, it’s not suspicious. They don’t think the person is playing possum.

Wait, so what are they saying? Someone just UP and DIED in that park? That’s also creepy. …Oh. Was it a suicide? Now I feel bad. No wonder I’m not pretty, with my bad thoughts and mean kids.

On that note, I have to be at work in 11 minutes.

Your beautiful pal,
June

47 thoughts on “Good-boned nincompoop

  1. June – Today I am your twin in grouchiness and I am PROUD! Because the world can be a stupid, f***ing place sometimes.

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  2. My neighborhood was built in the late 40s and early 50s. A few years ago we had only our SECOND murder in nearly 70 years of existence. A schizophrenic man killed his mother and then walked to the fire station in his underpants. As you can imagine, this was big news. And very sad. She was his only ally. The fact that my neighborhood has only had two murders is astonishing because this is not the suburbs. It’s most definitely the urbs, as we call it, in a huuuuuge city. We have a false sense of security, but I’m totally rolling with it.

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  3. In my old hometown, very small, there have been TWO murder/suicides of married couples in their homes. Those homes are hard to sell, even years later.

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    1. Over the years, there have been two suicides in our safe, family-friendly neighborhood. One in his basement, the other at his office. How very sad for their families. I seriously doubt the current owners have any idea about the history of their homes and previous homeowners since both homes have been sold multiple times since then. It would definitely be much harder to sell the homes in a very small town.

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  4. There have been quite a number of deaths on my street. Of course, this has happened over the last 50 years but still. There have been a SIDS death, a child who accidentally hung himself on his swingset (same family as the SIDS), the lady who drowned herself in her swimming pool, the lady who drenched herself with gasoline and lit a match, the lady who died from smoke inhalation from a kitchen fire, a couple of unattended natural deaths and a couple of attended natural deaths. But I don’t think there’s ever been a murder so there’s that.

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  5. Give any of us a hair and makeup artist on duty every day and let us sit in the Beauty Chair for an hour before we leave the house and we could be beautiful, too. Even ole Don might cute up nice.

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  6. I tried to comment earlier…. THIS is why I’m ugly:
    Maybe it’s one of your former gaybors. Maybe they choked on their pretentiousness.

    *Please don’t let it be a Gaybor. I’ll freak out if it is!*

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  7. My neighborhood has had a couple of body drops in the last few years. It’s only a little bit reassuring that the murderers don’t murder in our neighborhood – they only use it to dump their bodies!

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  8. A murder took place in my old neighborhood while I still lived there. But hey hey, it was almost three blocks from my house, and the neighborhood’s looking up, really on the verge of improvement, as they’ve been saying for 30 years!

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  9. It’s always unsettling when something icky happens in your “safe” neighborhood. I’m four blocks from a well-known, prestigious lake, surrounded by million dollar homes (not me), and stuff still shows up here. Several years ago, around the corner, in the pink house, a woman was living with her father and her son, and committed suicide. Yes, mental health issues are in every family, and every neighborhood.

    On the plus side, my father lived to be 98, fought in three wars as a career Army officer, went back to grad school to be a university librarian, had a whole ‘nother career, and still retired early. I guess long life and lots of reading are in my future.

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  10. Your “math” neighborhood. I bet you were counting on that. It just doesn’t add up. I mean, take away the location and you’re left with an equation that makes no sense. Trying not to be negative here, but maybe someone was plotting something. You just need to look at it from the right angle. And not be obtuse. OK – I’m done. I’ll just sum it up by saying this may be a function of someone going off on a tangent. Like me.

    Don’t you love when you write a whole post and someone only comments on your own comment on your post?

    Love you June! Love love love you!

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      1. We have an actual “math lab” (like where you go to get help with your ‘rithmatic) here at school and every time I hear “math lab” I snicker. Because I’m so mature.

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  11. JANE FONDA. JANE FUCKING FONDA. HANOI JANE. When asked how she looks so good at 103 years of age, she replies, “Good genes. And A LOT of money.” You have to admire that.

    I also think she stopped eating around 1986.

    Julia Roberts? Save me. And her “beauty” is questionable. And, AND she might want to shave her pits and bathe more often. Because she has “nice kids.” Pfffft. I bet they’re entitled little shits. Just like their mother.

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    1. She stopped eating in 1986! Bwahaha! I want her Barbarella body. I like more curves. My sister E. who was the thin one did Jane Fonda’s rountine back then. I wouldn’t have dared. I would have failed miserably, maybe even dropped dead. She does look amazing until you see an extreme close up. Someone caught one, was it in print or on an awards show? OY!

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  12. Good thing it takes less than 11 minutes to get to your work . Even after grabbing your water bottle and coat and hipping Edsel back into the house and the car starts right up and the lights are all green and no granny is walking across the crosswalk and no one is picking up dog poo in the street and your parking spot is open and 12hundredy people don’t stop you to visit and plop in your chair as you are sluffing off your coat and slamming you water bottle on the desk….sheweeeee , you made it.
    Sorry Paula …I wrote it fast so I assume you read it fast.

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    1. I don’t own a water bottle. Don’t you love it when you tell a whole story and someone does that? They take one unimportant part and make it the crux. No wonder I’m a nose almond.

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      1. Oh, you mean like me taking the 11 minutes and making that the part I commented on?
        And not the part about death in the park in your old neighnorhood.

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  13. Tragedy can happen anywhere. In my seemingly low-key neighborhood there was an armed standoff which resulted in a suicide.

    Here’s to living long enough to see the benefits of regular application of sunscreen.

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    1. Now that you say that, there was another suicide in my neighborhood a few years back. A guy shot himself in his back yard, and some tasteful person had to go on NextDoor and tell us all. That could have gone unsaid, really. Every time I passed there I thought about that guy’s wife, who stayed living in the house.

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  14. I must have shitty kids because I’m pretty sure I’ve aged ten years in the last three and they haven’t helped at all!

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  15. Great post Coot. Edz scared the murderer away. They found a body in the park sounds like the beginning of a 20/20 episode.

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  16. I much prefer those people who live to be over 100 and credit things like vodka and Reese’s peanut butter cups. I wanna be a part of their gang.

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  17. Has any celebrity ever answered “good genetics” to that question? Or “I have the best plastic surgeon”?
    If they don’t think the death is suspicious it is probably a homeless person. It’s ironic that it happened in a ‘better’ neighborhood.
    Lovely post.

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    1. I do have to admit I felt sort of Smaug that my old safe neighborhood had a body and my current math neighborhood doesn’t have anybodies at all.

      >

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    1. That reminds me of a jogger who dropped dead of a heart attack and they were trying to identify him because he carried no ID with him.

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    2. That was my thought too. Someone taking the air and their heart gave out, an unfortunate incident, no murder.
      A woman OD’d in a house down the next block and now that is all I can think of when I pass it. New people live there now but it will always be a bad death house for me. Others have died at home of cancer but that is very different. I’m glad now that Michael died in the hospital and that it was his choice.

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