I’m not entirely sure that I sat down at all this weekend. But of course, I must’ve peed at some point, right? You have to sit down to do that. Unless you’re a man. And in case anyone was up in the air on that one, I am not a man. I am also not an animal.
That was yet another hilarious Elephant Man joke, in my famous series of Elephant Man jokes.
On Friday after work, I got The Poet’s hat for her. She had left her hat at a restaurant and I had to go near there anyway, so I told her I would just return her hat to her on Sunday, as we had plans.
The thing is, of course, we had this conversation during the workday, and then about an hour later she mentioned it and I was all, “What hat?”
I could tell this made her nervous. A while later she said that she could just go get the hat herself, and on my insides I was once again thinking “What hat?” But at least this time it popped right back into my head and I said “Oh, no no no no, of course I’ll go get the hat.” (What hat?) “I’m going to be right near there anyway.” (Near WHAT?)
I know everybody here is thinking I forgot to get the damn hat because everybody here knows how I am. But seeing as I already put a picture up of said hat, along, inexplicably, with a piece of bread, you already know the end of the hat story.
Also, I took a picture of how fucking hard it was raining and what I wish I could do is give you some sort of way to feel how damn cold it was too. So not only did I remember to get her hat, I got it during torrential ice rain.
On Saturday, I got up at 6 AM because I had to model at 9:30. I had to give my hair a chance to dry for as long as possible–it takes forever to dry. Then, at 8:30 in the morning, in full makeup and a formal dress, I drove downtown–to drive all the old man crazy.
This modeling gig, and I know you’re sick and tired of hearing about all my modeling gigs, was something for work. We’re sponsoring a charitable cause. It’s a long story. Just know that I had to get all dressed up in full makeup and go to a studio on a Saturday morning.
I didn’t take any pictures of the photoshoot itself, because how can you take a picture of yourself in a photoshoot? But it was really exciting to be in a photo studio, and have someone touch up my makeup, and be all glamorous and everything. This must be what it’s like to be Cheryl Tiegs every day. Also, we are suddenly in 1978. Welcome!
I was in a part of downtown that I never am. It was really cool.
It’s recently been refurbished and it has all these really excellent historic homes and little storefronts and so on. This neighborhood is kind of what I’m hoping my neighborhood will be in a few years. My neighborhood will either be adorable or I will be killed in some sort of crack incident.
After my photoshoot, and I just like to say that, I stopped in at a little diner and got a green smoothie. It seemed like something a model should drink.
There was a woman there with four small children and she was eight months pregnant as well. She was giving them all smoothies. She was in a much better mood than I would have been in had I been with four young children with one on the way. Of course, people putting their necks in the guillotine are in a better mood than I am, generally.
Of course I petted this kitty. What are you, new?
I went home and let Edsel out and so on, then I drove to get my roots done. That always takes about three hours. If I had money I would go there every two weeks. Because what roots two weeks later? What hat?
Sometimes I think about giving up on dyeing my hair. It’s just so ridiculous and expensive and time-consuming. But do I really want to give up and be gray Barbara Bush?
On Sunday I trimmed my hydrangeas (not a euphemism), then took an hour-long walk, because I’m trying to not be such a fat ass. I took a look at all the houses in my neighborhood. Seeing as I live in a mill neighborhood, pretty much all the houses are exactly the same here. This is excellent for stealing decoration ideas. For example, someone whose house looks exactly like mine has lined up little flowers on either side of the walk leading up to their house. It is a great idea as long as I don’t kill said plants. Which is what I do with every plant. So why am I even having this thought?
On Sunday afternoon, I picked up The Poet, returned her hat to her, and carried her to the theater to see Gone With the Wind, which they’re showing right now because it is the 80-year anniversary. People here say “carried” when they mean drove. I don’t know why.
It turns out, Gone With the Wind is still pretty racist. Also, every time I have gone to the movies with TP, she orders this size popcorn (see above) for herself. I believe she also gets butter on it. She weighs, at most, 14 pounds. How is that something that happens in life?
It’s possible that you don’t remember everything Melanie Hamilton wore to the barbecue at Twelve Oaks. Not only did she select this minimalist mutton-sleeve getup, with a sash, and ruffles, and a hat with a bow the size of your large intestines, she also topped off her lewk with some fishnet gloves that are unfortunately not visible here. Also, apparently she took some of The Poet’s popcorn and crammed it into the rim of her bonnet.
There is a scene during the barbecue where Ashley asks her, “Happy?”
I leaned over to The Poet and whispered, “Accessorized?” Then I had an enormous oil painting commissioned of myself like the one Scarlet has at her house with Rhett.
If I could get a painting this large commissioned of myself, I would so totally do it. I know everyone here knows that. Also, what hat?
Anyway, after the movie, I had planned to go grocery shopping but it was raining icy cold rainy ice again and I just decided to go home and eat pie for dinner. I know that is ridiculous but you have no idea how crappy it was outside.
On Sunday evening, I spoke with Ned on the phone. The last time I saw him was on January 19, the 7th anniversary of our first date. We decided then that we should stop hanging around each other so much to try to move on with our lives. When we spoke last night we reiterated that thought.
It wasn’t dramatic and we didn’t yell and scream, we just both kind of agreed that we should stay apart.
So that’s that.
So that was m’weekend, and now we’re all lucky enough to be back at work and productive members of society. Who are at work reading a blog.