Hattie McJune

I’m not entirely sure that I sat down at all this weekend. But of course, I must’ve peed at some point, right? You have to sit down to do that. Unless you’re a man. And in case anyone was up in the air on that one, I am not a man. I am also not an animal.

That was yet another hilarious Elephant Man joke, in my famous series of Elephant Man jokes.

On Friday after work, I got The Poet’s hat for her. She had left her hat at a restaurant and I had to go near there anyway, so I told her I would just return her hat to her on Sunday, as we had plans.

The thing is, of course, we had this conversation during the workday, and then about an hour later she mentioned it and I was all, “What hat?”

I could tell this made her nervous. A while later she said that she could just go get the hat herself, and on my insides I was once again thinking “What hat?” But at least this time it popped right back into my head and I said “Oh, no no no no, of course I’ll go get the hat.” (What hat?) “I’m going to be right near there anyway.” (Near WHAT?)

I know everybody here is thinking I forgot to get the damn hat because everybody here knows how I am. But seeing as I already put a picture up of said hat, along, inexplicably, with a piece of bread, you already know the end of the hat story.

Also, I took a picture of how fucking hard it was raining and what I wish I could do is give you some sort of way to feel how damn cold it was too. So not only did I remember to get her hat, I got it during torrential ice rain.

On Saturday, I got up at 6 AM because I had to model at 9:30. I had to give my hair a chance to dry for as long as possible–it takes forever to dry. Then, at 8:30 in the morning, in full makeup and a formal dress, I drove downtown–to drive all the old man crazy.

This modeling gig, and I know you’re sick and tired of hearing about all my modeling gigs, was something for work. We’re sponsoring a charitable cause. It’s a long story. Just know that I had to get all dressed up in full makeup and go to a studio on a Saturday morning.

I didn’t take any pictures of the photoshoot itself, because how can you take a picture of yourself in a photoshoot? But it was really exciting to be in a photo studio, and have someone touch up my makeup, and be all glamorous and everything. This must be what it’s like to be Cheryl Tiegs every day. Also, we are suddenly in 1978. Welcome!

I was in a part of downtown that I never am. It was really cool.

It’s recently been refurbished and it has all these really excellent historic homes and little storefronts and so on. This neighborhood is kind of what I’m hoping my neighborhood will be in a few years. My neighborhood will either be adorable or I will be killed in some sort of crack incident.

After my photoshoot, and I just like to say that, I stopped in at a little diner and got a green smoothie. It seemed like something a model should drink.

There was a woman there with four small children and she was eight months pregnant as well. She was giving them all smoothies. She was in a much better mood than I would have been in had I been with four young children with one on the way. Of course, people putting their necks in the guillotine are in a better mood than I am, generally.

Of course I petted this kitty. What are you, new?

I went home and let Edsel out and so on, then I drove to get my roots done. That always takes about three hours. If I had money I would go there every two weeks. Because what roots two weeks later? What hat?

Sometimes I think about giving up on dyeing my hair. It’s just so ridiculous and expensive and time-consuming. But do I really want to give up and be gray Barbara Bush?

On Sunday I trimmed my hydrangeas (not a euphemism), then took an hour-long walk, because I’m trying to not be such a fat ass. I took a look at all the houses in my neighborhood. Seeing as I live in a mill neighborhood, pretty much all the houses are exactly the same here. This is excellent for stealing decoration ideas. For example, someone whose house looks exactly like mine has lined up little flowers on either side of the walk leading up to their house. It is a great idea as long as I don’t kill said plants. Which is what I do with every plant. So why am I even having this thought?

On Sunday afternoon, I picked up The Poet, returned her hat to her, and carried her to the theater to see Gone With the Wind, which they’re showing right now because it is the 80-year anniversary. People here say “carried” when they mean drove. I don’t know why.

It turns out, Gone With the Wind is still pretty racist. Also, every time I have gone to the movies with TP, she orders this size popcorn (see above) for herself. I believe she also gets butter on it. She weighs, at most, 14 pounds. How is that something that happens in life?

It’s possible that you don’t remember everything Melanie Hamilton wore to the barbecue at Twelve Oaks. Not only did she select this minimalist mutton-sleeve getup, with a sash, and ruffles, and a hat with a bow the size of your large intestines, she also topped off her lewk with some fishnet gloves that are unfortunately not visible here. Also, apparently she took some of The Poet’s popcorn and crammed it into the rim of her bonnet.

There is a scene during the barbecue where Ashley asks her, “Happy?”

I leaned over to The Poet and whispered, “Accessorized?” Then I had an enormous oil painting commissioned of myself like the one Scarlet has at her house with Rhett.

If I could get a painting this large commissioned of myself, I would so totally do it. I know everyone here knows that. Also, what hat?

Anyway, after the movie, I had planned to go grocery shopping but it was raining icy cold rainy ice again and I just decided to go home and eat pie for dinner. I know that is ridiculous but you have no idea how crappy it was outside.

On Sunday evening, I spoke with Ned on the phone. The last time I saw him was on January 19, the 7th anniversary of our first date. We decided then that we should stop hanging around each other so much to try to move on with our lives. When we spoke last night we reiterated that thought.

It wasn’t dramatic and we didn’t yell and scream, we just both kind of agreed that we should stay apart.

So that’s that.

Not dees too again

So that was m’weekend, and now we’re all lucky enough to be back at work and productive members of society. Who are at work reading a blog.

Heart,

Joooooon

56 thoughts on “Hattie McJune

  1. I need to consider Chewy. I have been lifting for quite the time and my back and my shoulders get angry at times.

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  2. More deep thoughts: I bet Melanie and Scarlett said “washrag.” All the time.

    I finally noticed a line early in the movie that explains a lot: “The Wilkeses always marry their cousins.” Melanie never had a chance, really. Nor did Ashley. All that reckless inbreeding.

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  3. No, no butter. That would be too much.

    Everything you ever say about Gone With the Wind is funny. Melanie’s look at the barbecue—dead. Me, I mean. Melanie wasn’t dead for a couple more hours.

    Did I leave my what hat in your car after the movie? Would you please glue it to my head next time? Then I can stop worrying about my hair.

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  4. Excellent post, June! I giggled so hard over Melanie’s popcorn bonnet!
    You looked so sophisticated for your photo shoot. Well done!

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  5. A great topic for a post, words we use regionally, like washrag and carry somebody over yonder.
    Tee(th)

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    • When I was growing up in Florida (definitely not the deep South), my neighbor’s cousins from south Georgia would visit and use expressions I’d never heard such as “carry me to the store”. My thought was he’s too big to be carried and he can walk like the rest of us.

      However, we always called our dish cloth a dish rag.

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  6. I love this post Joooon. Especially the last sentence. And guess who is going to the beauty parlor (said beauty parlor to see if anyone was paying attention to my old fashioned southern lingo) today to get her highlights and to the tune of oh, about $250. I am NOT kidding. I can’t stand it but she does SUCH a good job, it’s like crack, I can’t give it up. With my jowls and old saggy skin I recently sported, I need all the help I can get. People were calling me a grandma about 5 years ago around my nephew. Pfff. If I could do my own face lift I would. At least with highlights she blends everything so well I can get away with only going every 2-3 months. You look so great in that dress! Maybe you can quit the stupid open floor plan job and be a personal makeup lady. Like the Avon lady only you put makeup on people – all your readers can be your first clients. And I too often have bread on my car seat.

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  7. I got a lock of white hair near the side of my face at 16. I told God that was just mean. I’ve looked like my husband’s mother forever. His hair remains dark. He hasn’t gained a pound since high school. Again God with the mean.

    The Tee(th) comment made me love you.

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  8. You looked gorgeous for your modeling gig, June! I was supposed to go see Gone With the Wind yesterday as well, but my friend who was going with me woke up sick and I didn’t have time to find a replacement. I could have gone alone, but I had so much crap to do at home that I canceled the tickets and didn’t go.

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  9. We got ten inches of snow last night and I am barely speaking to anyone because of it. It’s March snow, so it should be gone by noon, except for the Alpian mountain the snow plow guy created at the top of my driveway. I keep expecting to hear a yodel emerge from it. Or maybe Heidi and her grandfather will appear. The older snow plow guy backs up the driveway and removes the snow in front of him on the way back down. Smart. This younger (dumber) guy pushes the snow up the driveway, clearly never having passed physics in high school, and leaves us with the aforementioned Alp. We may still have that snow in July. Not to mention all that snow takes up crucial real estate on the driveway for our fleet of vehicles. I am getting old and crabby about the winter weather. It may be time for me to move south.

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  10. I stopped coloring about 3 years ago – it took almost 18 months for it to all grown out to my below-shoulder length hair. At times I wanted to give in and color it again but I hated having roots after 2 weeks and the expense was crazy. Don’t regret it at all!

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    • I decided in August 2017 that I was done done done coloring my hair. I had been needing to do root touch ups every 2 weeks and recoloring once a month and I was so effing sick and tire of it. So I just stopped. I didn’t want to chop all my hair off so it took a looooong time and a lot of trims to get the color out. And yes, I got a lot of comments such as, “Why do you want to look like that? Just color your hair. Why do you want to look old?” Yeah, fuck off. My mom sent me a picture taken in 2012 when I still had red hair and my daughter told me I looked older in that photo than I do now with my silver hair. So there’s that.

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    • Same here. I look so much better with color but I was having to go every 2-3 weeks and spend hours and $$$$. At least I don’t have to look at myself so it’s everyone else’s problem if they don’t like it.

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  11. When I lived in Rocky Mount I learned that parents carried their children places on the car. And they sometimes had to look a park if they had to go inside with the kids. I love regional language patterns.

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    • I do too. The guy who used to own my house was over recently, and he said, “Washrag” and I was so delighted, as my people also say that.

      Perhaps this leaves people wondering what the guy who owned my house and I were up to. It was nothing nefarious.

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      • I love regional language differences, too. My major in college and graduate school had a fair amount of linguistics, especially for pronunciation, and I loved every minute of it. I heard washrag a lot growing up, but the southern families I know all say “washie”.
        My current favorite thing to listen for when talking to people is pronunciation of Mary, marry and merry. Fascinating!

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        • In North Carolina, they seem to have no idea that “e” and “i” are different sounds. When you call Duke Energy: “Thank you for calling Duke Inirgee…”

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          • YES! In theory I know that “e” and “i” are different but I can’t make my mouth do it. Very common regional dialect. It happens when a nasal consonant (m, n, ng) follows a vowel.
            Things that sound the same:
            pen/pin
            many/mini
            hymn/hem/him
            meant/mint

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  12. You look amazing all gussied up for your photo shoot. My personal opinion is that, when possible, your “look” should match your personality and how you feel about where you are in your life. You have such gorgeous hair that I think a mane of silver would be stunning, but you might not be in that place quite yet. I’ve been steadily going silver since my twenties, but never dyed my hair until I was almost 40. One Easter we visited my 90-something Grandma and I was in a picture with her and my 60-something Mom and the sun was behind us. I had the exact same look as Mom & Grandma. But I also had a toddler and decided I wanted to try to look younger. Now said toddler is in high school and while it’s a giant, expensive drag, I’m not ready to go white.

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  13. I’ve been considering letting my hair go gray. It’s such an enormous pain in the ass to keep colored. I have curly hair that is not nearly as gorgeous as yours. It’s whatever. It’s fine.
    I’m also almost 48 and have a 9-year-old daughter. Two people so far have referred to me as her grandmother, which is why I’ve been so dedicated to coloring my hair. Because a little light golden brown is gonna conceal what’s happening to my neck. Sure.
    Anyway, now my 20-year-old son is actually making me a grandmother, so I feel like I can just give up now and start kneecapping people who call me “Meemaw.”
    Grandmothers do that, right? Kneecapping people and baking cookies, that’s mainly the gig, right?

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  14. “Also, apparently she took some of The Poet’s popcorn and crammed it into the rim of her bonnet.”

    Your fabulous hair, makeup and dress were a perfect start to the week for me. Then you killed it with Melanie’s popcorn bonnet.

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  15. Well done remembering the hat. You looked fabulous for the modeling gig & that dress is great. I love a simple frock and find all the extra frills & furbelows designers add to clothes annoying. Put all that zany crap to men’s clothes and see if they like it. Harumph.
    I love my hair au naturelle but my daughter is telling me that I could make bank doing gigs as Mrs. Claus. At least you don’t have any smart ass kids.

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  16. pssst, June, go pay Tee a visit and she’ll take you to a little museum where you can see some of the costumes worn in GWTW. You can also go to a little log cabinish general store and buy candy cigarettes.

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    • I’ve seen that exhibit–it came to Raleigh once. I saw all the people who auditioned for the roles who would have been just wrong.

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      • June, I don’t think the exhibit in Jonesboro has ever traveled. But, I will gladly take you to THE Jonesboro of the GWTW Jonesboro.
        Tee

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        • Maybe I should say it would shock me if that exhibit has traveled. I’ll take you to Tara. Not really, but there’s an old house built in 1824 that was moved, to build a car dealership, that some think might have given Margaret Mitchell her visual of Tara because it was on the main road to her grandparent’s house, before being moved.
          Tee

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  17. Your curly girl hair would look pretty au naturale. The transition probably bites, but that’s what professional hair folks are for. Guessing you’d save a boatload of moola as well. Picture that lovely black dress topped with a crown of silver curls.

    Also, weather here in Mpls… currently -9 (feels like -19), and 1893837449474 inches of snow, mostly frozen in huge mounds everywhere. Hard to see traffic coming at the corners. One side of the street parking, but at least today is bright and sunny. Thank goodness for heated seats!

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  18. You just look so fabulous in that black dress!

    This:
    “Of course, people putting their necks in the guillotine are in a better mood than I am, generally.”

    I need this on a T-shirt. Or the title to my autobiography.

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  19. I, for one, am not working today. It is Casimir Pulaski Day here in the Land of Lincoln, so no school. Or as my mother calls it – Roman Polanski Day. I wish she were kidding.

    I’m so relieved The Poet got her hat back. I worried all weekend for naught.

    I love Melanie’s get up for the BBQ. It’s no wonder they were all fainting and swooning all the time, in that Atlanta heat.

    June you look absolutely stunning. It’s no wonder they want you on the catwalk.

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    • Pulaski Day was in October in Philadelphia. We were forced to March in it in our uniforms on a Sunday. We got bused in both ways and we got one boiled hot dog on a roll and one can of soda when we got back to school. We were okay with that. Kids now would whine. I remember avoiding the horseshit the most. We had to represent our Polish parish and school.
      The Roman Polanski cracked me up.

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  20. My natural hair color is awful now so I will continue to dye it too. I envy those who look great in gray or white hair and can save the money.
    We had icy rain too. I procrastinated on errands and HAD to go out. There was no dry dog food , canned dog food etc. It was only drizzling when I started out, it was icy rain by the time I was carrying stuff in. It hailed and the back steps were slippery. I swept them and soldiered on. My thighs were soaked, I only had a jacket on but my baseball cap kept my head dry. I even made it up there with that thirty pound bag of expensive salmon/ lentil/rice food Scrappy needs for his skin rash issues. I was proud of my newly widowed self. It didn’t snow, thank God, but I had made arrangements with my neighbor for her son to help if it did. Living alone is very different. The jury is out on it so far.

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    • Not a word about you, Joon. You did look amazing. I thought your bread was some type of pastry and I was mildly drooling over it.

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    • I have a feeling you’ll do just fine as you adjust to your new normal. Ask for help when you need it – people love to be able to lend a hand. Also – consider having that dang dog food delivered! Chewy.com is my best friend! (Unless the a-hole UPS driver is on the route and leaves it outside of my garage door. My hottie hottie favorite driver brings it right inside the house for me!) My husband has a chronic illness that makes lifting and carrying and any kind of heavy duty work out of the question for him, so I have learned all the tricks of getting stuff done without killing myself in the process!

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      • I need to consider Chewy. I have been lifting for quite the time and my back and my shoulders get angry at times

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  21. You look beautiful for your modeling gig. Gray Barbara Bush! Flomp. I’m so glad I’m not reading this at work. I’m off to call my dentist. Lots of fun lately with all the dental issues, said no one.

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      • I think it would be possible to color your hair again if you did let it go natural and didn’t like it. I think you would look striking with your hair natural. I notice in my catalogues that there are often women with white hair modeling, and not just the catalogues for old people either. It’s trendy now and you can do it naturally. You would stand out in a crowd. I know you like that. You will be beautiful no matter what you do with your hair.

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