June does a lot all at once. Because June.

Because I’m some sort of chaos junkie, in the past seven days I’ve done the following:

  • Started some sort of hormone metabolism diet, from an ad I saw on Instagram. I know you’re gonna ask me, “What diet, Joooooon?” and I don’t rightly know the name. All I know is I get messages on the diet from The Sherpa. Cause it was all through Instagram so I have no trail, man, on this.
  • Started a life coaching thing, also from Instagram and I should really stop with those Instagram ads. The specific life coaching thing is for breaking trauma bonds. The coach is in London. I know you’re gonna ask me, “What life coach, JOOOOON?” and at least this one I can find. That was just a link, there.
  • Started going to a chiropractor several times a week.
  • “What chiropractor, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”

Anyway, so on Monday at 6:30 a.m., I had my first coaching sesh, and yes I just said “sesh.” It was at 6:30 because London. It was 11:30 in the morning for him. Oh my god, he was insightful. With the insights. So, after our…sesh…that night I had to do about two hours’ worth of video-watching and writing. Now that I’ve seen the videos and they have seen me, I have to continue to write for about half an hour every night for the next four weeks, interspersed with my weekly one-hour sessions (seshes) and new videos, with new assignments.

With m’diet, I have to each morning make a smoothie with spinach, blueberries, flax, almond milk and protein powder and also your mother’s ASS because geez Louise. Time-consuming. You know what’s not time-comsuming? A Pop Tart.

Then at 11:30, 2x a week, I have my chiropractor, and I go to it as my lunch hour. It’s on the next block and I could walk there, but I never do because the weather here has been your mother’s ASS, oh my god. It’s so cold and rainy and then you think, “Oh, maybe tomorrow will be better” and then it’s cold and rainy the next day.

I have a Google Home now, which started out as a gift for my Aunt Mary but she hated it so I kept it. Every morning when I’m drawing the blinds (I have so many sketches of my blinds now) I say, “Good morning, Google,” and it says, “Hi. June.”

It literally calls me June and also he always hesitates awkwardly like that. “Hi. June.” Anyway then he tells me the weather, and for the past two months I’m all motherFUCK. You have got to be fucking kidding me with this fucking weather. Today he added, “And with the wind, it feel like 16 degrees.” SHUT UP.

So I’m not walking to the chiropractor.

Anyway, that takes almost the whole lunch hour, the chiropractor does, and I feel guilty about leaving Edsel, as all of Eds’s life I’ve come home for lunch. When I’ve had jobs in, say, Winston-Salem, I get a dog-sitter. I realize the best part of life is the thinner slice. I also realize I need to get over that line. And also that plenty of dogs go 8 hours and 12 minutes alone with 80 cats while their owners are gone.

That’s how long he’s alone. It’s six minutes each way to work, and then the 8 hours. Oh, wait. It’d be 9 hours and 12 minutes if you include stupid lunch. Oh my god POOR EDSEL. I guess I have to take him to dog daycare on chiropractor days. Even though I come home and he’s not, like, champing at the bit to go pee.

How can he not be? I’d be dying.

So anyway, now that I’m on that hormone diet, I’m doing things like making a spinach salad with homemade dressing and last night I made meat loaf but with zucchini instead of bread in it.

Then after that I have to do stretches that the chiropractor gave me to do, and also I have to ice my neck 47 times a night.

What I’m saying to you is there’s a lot to do lately. Oh! And the chiropractor said, “I want you to do these stretches, but please know a lot of my migraine patients say these stretches trigger migraine at first. You just have to get through that part.”

And you know what? He was right. I did the stretches Monday night for the first time, and I did NOTHING ELSE to trigger a migraine, but woke up with one. Ding-dang it. I took a pill and was fine.

Oh, but it was the worst thing! I often wake up with a migraine, and hunch out to the kitchen to take a pill and go to bed and more often than not I wake up fine.

But on Tuesday morning, I hunched out to the kitchen for m’pill, and noted it was

SIX TEN.

My alarm goes off at 6:20. Oh, I was mad. But I slept for another hour and skipped blogging and when I woke up I was fine.

Anyway, that’s what’s been up with me lately, and it feels like a lot, but in a month I’ll be thin and pain-free and not trauma bonded, so we have THAT to look forward to.

Busily,
Joop

36 thoughts on “June does a lot all at once. Because June.

  1. I got a massage at my chiropractor’s office yesterday. I asked the guy what he was pressing on my neck that hurt so much and he said it was my occipital muscles or something and they help control eye movement. When I got home, I was stretching my neck and I could literally feel them pulling on my eyes through my head. So that was gross but my neck hasn’t been able to turn this much in months so I guess it’s good.

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  2. I’ll have to reread your not-blog again at bedtime as I’ll be so exhausted for you I’m sure I’ll sleep soundly. Of course, now I’m worried I won’t be in alignment.

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  3. I had a huge fight with Siri on the drive home yesterday. She won. Bitch. I loved this post and the comment about sketches of your blinds, oh my, this is why I read you. Thank you, busy June.

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  4. Last year at this time, I started a 30 day smoothie diet AND gave up soda. How it worked was having a smoothie for breakfast and another for lunch and then eating a sensible dinner, which to me was something such as fettucine alfredo. What? But if anyone is looking for good smoothie recipes, I highly recommend “The Healthy Smoothie Bible” by Farnoosh Brock. Available on Amazon

    However, this week I started something called The Every Other Day Diet. Every other day (hence the name) you fast by restricting yourself to 500 calories. On the days you don’t fast, you can eat whatever the hell you want. I bought the book and it has recipes for fasting days. Of course, I OBSESS about food on fast days. Kosher dill pickle spears are my go-to snack because they’re only 5 calories and if you wrap a slice of smoked deli meat or cheese, it gives you some protein and is still only about 25 calories plus tons of flavor.

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  5. I have got to do something to increase my energy level. I only read you and Beverly any more, but I swear you two do more in a day than I do in a month!

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  6. Damnit! I bought that diet from a Facebook ad and havent read it yet. I HATE making smoothies. Crap.

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  7. I have been trying for months to find a suitable sitter for my Marley. I want to visit my daughter in NC but – finally my friend has half-assed agreed to do it… but – well we will see. The last sitter was… well just say, not satisfactory. I am not sure why I worry about this little doll baby so much! But he is after all, my doll baby.

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  8. Chiropractic care has been the best treatment for my migraines. It’s a miracle. You know, except when it’s not and my head decides to trade in all of its physical existence for sheer pain. For no reason.
    Other than THAT it’s perfect. I actually invited my chiropractor to my wedding.

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  9. Girl, you are making us all look like slugs. Do you get to talk to the coach in England? If so, that’s fun. I’ve been drinking/eating the green smoothies for quite a while. I make six at a time (three packages of spinach) and put them in glass jars in the frig. This work really well for me, I just grab one in the morning, no pulling out the blender and all the ingredients. Maybe I need to add the protein powder. I add sliced almonds, Turmeric (good for inflammation) and ginger to mine. I’m basically lazy, so I use the powdered ginger rather than fresh. The Turmeric must work, because I got my blood work results yesterday and my CRP (inflammation indicator) is the lowest it has ever been! I got good results, all green, except for two yellows, even my BMI was yellow, rather than red.

    It even cold in Atlanta. The cat’s water was frozen solid this morning. Spring is not far away, there’s a little Carolina Wren checking out the bird bottle (house) on my porch.

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    • I like you advice – making them ahead. I was only going to suggest making them 2 days ahead! lol I use just cucumber, banana, spinach and water – maybe some flax. All fresh. Except the flax, of course. Can you get that fresh? hmm
      June – stop trying to be so perfect… you already are amazing! hugs

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      • I buy the whole flax seeds and only grind a pint jar filled at a time, because ground flax seeds will go rancid very easily. I keep the ground seeds in the refrigerator. I use a coffee grinder to grind seeds and nuts only.

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  10. All that stuff in my schedule would last approximately one week and the next week I would be done. I am currently freaking out about a big stupid project, and it is so scary I am hiding from it instead of rationally starting in. Sometimes too much is just too much for me. Maybe today will be the day I am inspired by your virtue to start. Or maybe I will just stay in bed. Jury is out.

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  11. Good gravy. You’re a whirlwind.

    One of my favorite things is my husband yelling at Siri on his phone. He changed her to a male voice because he was convinced she would be more cooperative. Mmmmm no. Ja-larious.

    I’ve been on the morning smoothie train for a while now. I start the day feeling so virtuous, y’all would hate me. But honestly that’s two cups of greens a day that I wouldn’t be eating any other way, so that’s gotta be good for me, right? I recently started adding MCT oil (Google it) and they tell you to start slow or you may experience some, well, explosive results. Take that advice seriously.

    Lovely post even lovelier June!

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  12. I love that you are doing all this self care but I am a little uncomfortable with your fixation on my mothers ass. But anyways. Eating healthy is so freaking time consuming! I spent an hour on Sunday washing and cutting and cutting and chopping just to get a mess of salad ready for the week. I am shake obsessed for the last 2 years so that is a long morning routine. THEN I feel like I am dragging a weeks worth of food in to work every day. Then back home. I realized that all eating healthy makes me do is think about food all the time. All.The.Time. Sorry, but that really need typed that way. It is a daily struggle but I feel great so I need to keep this up.

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  13. I too go to chiropractor 30 times a week and ice my neck 43 times a night. Might I suggest a cervical pillow on which to sleep. It is this horseshoe looking pillow that I ordered off an Instagram ad. But DO NOT Order from them. Het the one on Amazon instead. Your neck will thank you. Also and too. 9 hours? I couldn’t go that long if I had a cork up my hoohoo. Ps. Lovely post Coot

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    • My chiropractor said not to get one of those pillows, but rather to make sure the pillow I do have makes me aligned. He said to take a selfie of me lying down. Sexy.

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      • I made the mistake of ordering from OverstockUSA.com and it took 3 months to get the pillow. Interesting the difference of modality. I had a My Pillow but I wasn’t in alignment. I hope this helps you.

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  14. No, no and no! I don’t have the energy to take on all that you’re doing, Joon. I won’t even get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night unless absolutely, positively necessary. I lay there in misery trying to go back to sleep.

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  15. My word you ARE ambitous! I am very impressed. I am decluttering and organizing paperwork here and I feel virtuous. It is frigid here this week and I’ll take it over h, h & h any time but it is becoming tiresome as well.

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  16. Hi. June.

    My son has Siri on his phone set to the female with the Australian accent. He also has himself as a contact but not with his real name. So I often hear Ms. Siri (Australian accent) answering him:

    “The current weather, Mr. Mudderfucker Jones, is seventeen degrees and cloudy. Snow is expected tomorrow.”

    “There are several blahdebloop. Would you like to see what I’ve found, Mr. Mudderfucker Jones?”

    I’m easily amused.

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      • My favorite was one day all he wanted was the weather, but he wasn’t speaking clearly or Siri was being a shit, I don’t know, but she kept apologizing and saying she didn’t understand. I walked in the room and he was literally screaming at Siri asking for the weather. At his phone. All butt-hurt like Siri was doing this on purpose. It was HILARIOUS. I calmly said, “It’s thirty degrees and sunny. Look out the fucking window, Mr. Mudderfucker Jones.” I’m surprised he didn’t throw his phone at me.

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        • That is hilarious. I was trying to get that bitch–the Google bitch, not the Siri bitch, whom I also hate–to play me the 90210 theme song last night and she kept saying here it is and then apparently it was the Marcel Marceau version.

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