Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning*

Your Big Book of June Events will remind you that I hired a life coach recently, a life coach in London, because I have to make things difficult for myself.

Remember when I got my tax refund, which I keep typing “rax refund” like I’m Astro the dog. Anyway, remember how I said I was going to spend some of it on plumbing, because my shower gets cold fast? Perhaps you don’t remember any of this because it’s boring as shit. Well, to make a boring story even boring-er, the plumber came and he fixed my shit for freeeee! No, I did not sleep with him like I was in a dirty movie. “I’m here to…unclog your pipes.”

It was just a simple fix (we turned up the thermostat or whatever it’s called, in the water tank) and he wants my future business and he’s got it.

So since I had money from NOT spending money on plumbing, I found this life coach and so far I really like his stuff, but here’s what I have to tell you.

Part of what I have to do to be life coached is to write stuff down that’s going on with me, not like how I write all my minutiae down for you, but on a more personal, well, I hate to say level. It bugs me. Everyone’s on a level. That’s on a whole nother level! She took it to a new level! Oh, shut up.

I gotta write down a buncha personal shit, then afterward, I have to write down how it made me…

FEEL.

And here is what I’ve observed: I have no idea. I sit there in silence and think, How do I feel? and I think I feel either nothing or annoyed. Like, those are my two emotions: nothing or annoyed. Sometimes distracted. Is distracted a feeling?

Sometimes I like kittens. Is that a feeling?

So. That seems like it’s probably, you know, not good.

I remember my friend Gertrude, years ago, telling me a story about some boy she was dating, and how she told him how something made her feel, and thinking, “Wow, I would have felt that way, too, but I’d have never noticed I felt it.” And that was, like, in 1994.

Gertrude is phenomenally beautiful so there was always a man so maybe she got good at noting how she felt with them. I’ve come to the conclusion that being phenomenally beautiful isn’t so great. First of all, you only attract the kind of man who thinks he deserves a beautiful woman. Second of all, there’s no time to recover from the last man because you literally go to the bookstore to buy breakup books and someone new picks you up among the stacks.

Gertrude is happily single now and lives in the country with her daughter and dogs and cats and gets to see shooting stars. But men always love her all the time even when she goes to Rite-Aid for toilet paper. As a solid 7 at my peak, this was never an issue.

Although once I was on on the ferry outside Seattle, on my way back from a date, and got asked on another date. I said yes, but this was back when no one had caller ID except me. I had all the phone-related stuff early. I love the phone. Anyway, the guy called to confirm our date FROM A TANNING SALON.

I never called him back. For all I know he’d rushed into the salon to save someone’s life, to save someone from a UV ray crisis, and when he was done he thought, Oh, I should use their phone to call and confirm my date with the ferry slut. But I’ll never know because who wants to date the guy who calls from Tanfastic?

I also once got asked on a date while I on another date. (The bartender.) I totally went on that date with that bartender. He was an absolutely beautiful man of color and I ended up not liking him because he was earnest.

But let’s get back to why I feel no feelings. WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I hadn’t noticed it till this London life coach told me to list them, which is maybe why he did so, I don’t know. I speak with him again via satellite, because London, tomorrow.

Does anyone else have this going on? Why did it happen? Have I always been this way? I wasn’t paying attention.

I have no idea how I feel about it.

Numbly,
Juan

*Name that band

47 thoughts on “Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning*

  1. Mad, glad, sad, hurt, afraid, ashamed…

    A host of a podcast that I listen to talks about how when his parents were divorcing, they made him go to a therapist and the therapist would ask, ‘how do you feel, Mad, glad, sad, hurt, afraid, ashamed?’. He said this helped him so much because he didn’t know how he felt but these words helped him identify things and that these words were enough.

    If a plumber treated me like yours did, I would feel mad that I hadn’t called him before, glad that I found him, sad that he was married (b/c of course he is, right?!), afraid that he would move, and ashamed that I wasn’t wearing a bra!

    Like

  2. Does the event trigger any association at all, maybe another event or even a color or are you really: “…”

    For me, feelings are sometimes colors – like sea-green. Sea-green is a freaking feeling to me. But which feeling word? Eh?

    Sometimes my feelings are memories – like driving at 17 y.o. on a twisty lane in the fall with all the windows down and my music blaring and the leaves twirling out behind my auto. This is… freedom? Happiness? Potential? I have no adequate words… but even decades later some event will happen and I will be in that 17 y.o. driving her car state of feeling.

    Sometimes my feelings are weather or experiences – sitting on cool, hard rock wall at night in the south with the humidity curling my hair and condensation from my drink plinking and cigarette smoke wafting. But to give that words? I can’t. Too complex. But I know that feeling when it happens… even if there’s no humidity.

    Maybe that? Hope the coach has insight.

    Like

  3. I’m not at all sure about you not feeling things. I can give you a dozen examples of how you’ve felt at certain times and in turn how you’ve made me feel. How about when you recently wrote about death. Or when Lou got hit by the car and ran away. Or going to visit the farm with all the animals. Or just sitting in an old theatre waiting for a familiar film to start. Or poop jokes. Or seeing an old friend. When Charlie had his accident. That’s grief, fear, joy, silly, nostalgic, and sadness. Without my really thinking hard at all. And the really really AMAZING(overused in most cases) thing is that we’ve felt those same emotions with you. Don’t underestimate yourself. You are a veritable fountain of feelings. Joob the Trevi Fountain of feelings.

    Like

    • This is exactly what I was thinking. Good thing I read the comments before commenting or I would have dang-near copied you!

      Lovely post, lovely June!

      Like

  4. That Tanfastic paragraph killed me at 5:30 this morning and again a few minutes ago. Chortling still.

    The feelings issue is a tough one. But, if you ever say “it gives me all the feels,” I will divorce you.

    Like

  5. Hi June,

    I have different levels of reactions. “No feelings just facts” business like zombie or I am so emotionally sensitive that other peoples emotions overwhelm me. Luckily, I exist 50% of the time where I use the “feeling” part of me creatively and it’s a good ride. I need to better balance how I process and react/or don’t react. Gut reaction, or ruled by heart or mind.

    *Sometimes I’d rather let my cats roll dice and make my decisions based on that, instead of feelings, etc.

    Like

  6. Oh gosh, like SB and KR I also feel EVERYTHING. So many feelings. I’m much better now at managing those feelings (thanks to my own lifecoach/therapist) but gosh it can be overwhelming and annoying at times. And I had no idea that you can actually change how you’re feeling about something – I thought that if I was pissed off at something, I just had to stay pissed off until the feeling went away on its own. My lifecoach/therapist said “You know..you don’t have to stay on the pissy road…you can change that sh*t.” That was a revelation to me.

    Like

  7. I don’t know how I feel about this. haha.

    But I definitely relate. As I’ve MATURED I have often found myself examining some feelings and then turning away from them – especially anger that, if expressed, may cause upheaval in a relationship. I sometimes wonder if it’s a mid-western thing – we never had – or even saw – big emotions being expressed growing up so we learned to tamp a lot of things down. But I am occasionally surprised to find myself feeling a particular way and almost experiencing it like I’m looking at it from the outside – like an out of body experience without the dead part. That sounds completely loony, but it’s the best I can come up with.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. no i don’t think you are a psychopath. ponder this. a few years back i was asked a very similar question about my feelings. at the time i had three words for my feelings: angry, sad and happy. i was provided a list of feelings. there were over 100 on the list. i was stunned. to note, my base nature is to be very dramatic. since then i’ve learned that is how i coped. feeling emotions was scary. sometimes i’m still not a fan of ‘feeling’ however i am now able to identify them and properly name them. it was a process. didn’t happen over night. just a thought.

    Like

    • I coped with my feelings by eating them. Not trying to be funny, that was seriously how I coped with any and all emotions. My sister is like you, drama and anger are her base emotions. I’ve seen that list of emotions and I was like “Yep. I’ve felt and eaten every one of these!”

      Like

  9. “I ended up not liking him because he was earnest.”

    I think that may be what knowing what you’re feeling looks like. Don’t get me wrong, the other way makes for better jokes, but I suspect you have to brave earnestness to know what’s going on with your feelings.

    Like

  10. I don’t know why you don’t feel anything, but I know I feel EVERYTHING. Songs on the radio will make me completely inexplicably weep, I cry when something is beautiful to me (and ANYTHING can count as beautiful, even just seeing a colleague execute his/her work perfectly in my presence – not kidding). It’s a problem too.

    Like

    • SB – it sounds like you are an empath. if you are you can find many articles on how to protect your soul from tidal waves of emotions.

      Like

  11. God Lord, I am the opposite of so many of you. I do nothing BUT feel and it is exhausting at times. I have been through a very trying time for years admitedly and recently became widowed but I have always felt very deeply. I journaled from eighth grade until I married at 21. I wrote reems of poetry, not so much these days. I have written one lately. I am medicated which tamps it down but feeling is something I can not stop or seem to prevent. I am going to ask my counselor if I can calm it down. She will tell me to journal again and I have not complied with that so far.
    My husband told me to find someone to begin a new life. We had a life is for the living get on with it pact. Well someone I have known for decades IM’d me and told me he has always been incredibly attracted to me. I vascilate between a tiny bit of guilt, fear and exhiliration. We haven’t met in person year but there has been many many texts and a phone call. I feel like a 16 year old at times, and this may not work at all. I am also still mourning. We need to be friends first, which we are. I haven’t had a male friend in decades. I like it. My counselor says to work on ME and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do with a female friend. HA! We DO hug and kiss hello and goodbye, the female friends. I am vulnerable, I have to go easy. I hope no one thinks I am awful. I mourned for seven years, especially the last two. Feel? That is ALL I do!

    Like

      • Thank you. I believe I am one. I pick up on the energy in a room or from a person pretty quickly and my intuition in person is quite powerful and correct most of the time.

        Like

  12. Level is a word I hear a lot from my (94 year old) mother. She’s in assisted living but the place has everything from independent living regular homes (where she and my dad started out twenty years ago) all the way (levels) to severe dementia. She’s always commenting about who needs to move to the next level, like it’s a promotion. I love it, though, so by extension, love the word level.

    Like

  13. How exciting! I can hardly wait to see how this turns out. It’s kinda like the cliff hanger at the end of the season!
    Maybe I need more of a life.

    Like

    • So, Sharon you clearly had your coffee already. I had not. Tuesday Morning, Cowboy Junkies. Tuesday Afternoon, Moody Blues. Not the same. Ha.

      Like

  14. Pretty sure a porn plumber would want to “snake your pipes”. Bah!!

    How in touch a person is with her feelings is largely influenced by personality type. Some people just don’t have strong feelings about every little aspect of life. I am a Type A, oldest child, Virgo. My dominant emotions can be labeled by elementary school early-reader words: happy, sad, mad. (Mostly happy!) I can toss in determined, frustrated, worried, relieved. If tasked to write how I feel about everything all day, I’d say, “I’m frustrated you asked me to do this, and I’ll be happy when I’m done. That’s all I got, man!”

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I don’t know anything to say that will help you. But I can tell you that often (but not always) when others are having huge feelings and reactions to things, I don’t. I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me and wondered why I just don’t feel the way others do but it doesn’t interfere with my life so why explore it.

    Like

  16. I think it’s the same as when you write to us here, you go into detail about your thoughts on occurrences, people’s reactions and responses etc. So now you have to do it to yourself. Oh I’m no help.

    Like

  17. Lately I have been aware of registering annoyance more often than any other feeling. Realizing this also annoyed me. I think I have become less tolerant since retiring. Also, it bothered me that maybe I am not giving the good feelings any attention, so focusing more on the moments that are funny, loving and peaceful. It will be interesting to see how your life coach guides you along.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Well, odd, I’m early and first comment? I saw the Moody Blues, back in college. Just as dreamy, spacey, druggie as you’d think. It was the ’70s after all.

    You’ll like the life coach June. I’ve done it before, and it’s interesting, though it feels like they’re trying to excavate something. Maybe they are. I always journaled during therapy & with the life coach. Boy there was some crap written. But not always. That might be challenging for you, since you’re surrounded by words all day long. It might be useful, as you dig around. Have fun with it.

    Like

  19. Hunh. Maybe your feelings are hanging out somewhere in you that’s slightly separate from your tremendous command of words? I’m glad you have a coach to speak to, besides your horde of expert fans. Who want you in general to feel better. So to speak.

    Like

  20. I think about this a lot. I wish I could put some kind of personal perspective to my feelings. Mostly I just try to rush past my feelings or just spend a few days being pissed of and not knowing why.

    This is what makes song writers so great. I love reading song lyrics and I get so impressed by the way the writer has some perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.