When you already hate the day and it’s not even 8 a.m. yet, you know it won’t be good.
Wednesday night, I’d listened to this get-to-sleep app that knocked me the heck out like I’d drunk a vat of heroin, then Thursday when the alarm went off I hit snooze. And hit snooze. And STOP BUZZING, GOD, [slap] hit snooze. Finally I looked at the clock.
I’d hit the snooze button FOR AN HOUR.
Also, you don’t drink heroin, do you? June’s blog. Come for how street she is. Stay for the chicken recipes.
I screamed out of bed and let the dog out after checking for poor Cattle Ass the Potential Edsel Victim next door. I slapped food in everyone’s dish and turned on the shower. And? I could not find a hair tie. I promise you, a month ago I had 9230-2-28392 hair ties. I blame Milhous. I panicked for a bit, looking in long-forgotten drawers for any wayward-black-sheep went-out-to-find-fame-and-fortune hair tie, when I remembered I had a shower cap. I use it once a week to deep condition. I’d be one of those people who, when the parachute pull is on the left side, just keeps desperately tugging the right side and never trying the left till SPLAT.
I took the world’s quickest shower. Firemen have taken quicker showers.
Firemen don’t shower when they’re on their way to a fire, do they? June’s blog. Come for the firehouse knowledge. Stay for the heroin smoothie.
My goal, as I whipped my shower cap off and tossed it behind me as I rushed to get ready, was to do minimal makeup. For me, that includes darkening my eyebrows (and your doorstep). If I don’t do m’brows, I look sickly now, which is ridiculous because I went 49 years with plain and tall eyebrows and was fine. Now I’m all, “When did I become that guy at the end of The Wall?” if I don’t do my brows.
I had JUST GONE to my sketchy beauty supply store, which is marvelously cheap and has good off-brand shit. I’d bought some NYX brow stuff, used it one day, and?
Couldn’t find it. COME ON. Why wasn’t it in the makeup drawer where I’d inexplicably also looked for hair ties? WHY? So I used the too-dark Joan Crawford Collection brow pencil I’d kept in case I had emergencies like this. So now I had damp hair that had been shoved into a cap, Frida Kahlo brows
and? Like a minute to get to work. And what did I do with that minute? I looked at a wine bottle.
You all know how I am. I’d opened the fridge to take SOMETHING to work to eat, like a piece of cheese or an ice cube to suck, whatever, and I noticed this tag on this long-defunct bottle of wine in the door of my fridge. As you know, from your Big Book of–oh you know. As you know, I can’t drink wine without getting a migraine now. So I’ve got this neglected bottle of what is probably pink vinegar formerly known as dry rose, and I noticed a tag on it.
Win prizes! the tag read. You know what would be a prize? Me getting to work on time. Win prizes! the tag beckoned. Win pink diamond earrings, or a rose gold necklace!
A rose gold–pink diamond–OH MY GOD HOW?
And this is why I should be taking my Ritalin, which I never do, and which probably went without saying. The tag on my wine said to go online and put in this code, and with my ONE MINUTE TO GET TO WORK, I went to my computer and did. I am just as jittery about this as you are. You know how on shows the phone rings or someone’s at the door and the person on the show takes forever to answer? I get so nervous when that happens. That’s you right now, isn’t it?
Well, my procrastination and ADD really paid off, because I went on the site, put in the code, and?
“We’re sorry. That code has already been entered.”
NO IT HASN’T! Oh my god. I entered it again and was officially late for work.
“We’re sorry. That code has already been entered.”
Somebody broke into my house, took all the hair ties, absconded with my brow pencil, and entered my wine code to win pink diamonds.
It dawned on me that some sketchy grocery store employee at my sketchy grocery store probably entered ALL the bottles and if I eventually see some clerk over there with pink diamond earrings Ima deck her sketch ass.
I gave up in disgust, cursing the person who entered my code, and was just headed for the door when?
Edsel barfed. Eds never barfs. Bob never vomits at home.
I sighed, cleaned it up, and noticed as I headed for the door YET AGAIN that my sweater was 100% covered in lint. I know it’s Lint right now, but come on. See. That was a Lent joke. That’s how bad things have gotten.
You’ll be relieved to hear that finally I screamed to my car, screamed down the road and when I got to the traffic light, I attempted to turn left just as the light was turning red. Some
was similarly screaming, and she RACED through the red light, coming right at me. I had to slam on the breaks and twist my wheel dramatically to avoid being hit by her huge asshole truck, and if SHE shows up in a rose gold necklace I will not just hit her, I will also run her over with her stupid stupid red-light-running stupid truck.
It wasn’t till I got to work and got settled in that I realized I’d forgotten to put on deodorant.
The day was finally looking up when, after lunch, an editor brought pie to work for everyone, to celebrate Pi day. And then?
Thursday was ass.