June's stupid life

June describes her Thursday. It’s bad. It’s real bad, mister.

When you already hate the day and it’s not even 8 a.m. yet, you know it won’t be good.

Wednesday night, I’d listened to this get-to-sleep app that knocked me the heck out like I’d drunk a vat of heroin, then Thursday when the alarm went off I hit snooze. And hit snooze. And STOP BUZZING, GOD, [slap] hit snooze. Finally I looked at the clock.

I’d hit the snooze button FOR AN HOUR.

Goddammit.

Also, you don’t drink heroin, do you? June’s blog. Come for how street she is. Stay for the chicken recipes.

I screamed out of bed and let the dog out after checking for poor Cattle Ass the Potential Edsel Victim next door. I slapped food in everyone’s dish and turned on the shower. And? I could not find a hair tie. I promise you, a month ago I had 9230-2-28392 hair ties. I blame Milhous. I panicked for a bit, looking in long-forgotten drawers for any wayward-black-sheep went-out-to-find-fame-and-fortune hair tie, when I remembered I had a shower cap. I use it once a week to deep condition. I’d be one of those people who, when the parachute pull is on the left side, just keeps desperately tugging the right side and never trying the left till SPLAT.

I took the world’s quickest shower. Firemen have taken quicker showers.

Firemen don’t shower when they’re on their way to a fire, do they? June’s blog. Come for the firehouse knowledge. Stay for the heroin smoothie.

My goal, as I whipped my shower cap off and tossed it behind me as I rushed to get ready, was to do minimal makeup. For me, that includes darkening my eyebrows (and your doorstep). If I don’t do m’brows, I look sickly now, which is ridiculous because I went 49 years with plain and tall eyebrows and was fine. Now I’m all, “When did I become that guy at the end of The Wall?” if I don’t do my brows.

I had JUST GONE to my sketchy beauty supply store, which is marvelously cheap and has good off-brand shit. I’d bought some NYX brow stuff, used it one day, and?

Couldn’t find it. COME ON. Why wasn’t it in the makeup drawer where I’d inexplicably also looked for hair ties? WHY? So I used the too-dark Joan Crawford Collection brow pencil I’d kept in case I had emergencies like this. So now I had damp hair that had been shoved into a cap, Frida Kahlo brows

and? Like a minute to get to work. And what did I do with that minute? I looked at a wine bottle.

You all know how I am. I’d opened the fridge to take SOMETHING to work to eat, like a piece of cheese or an ice cube to suck, whatever, and I noticed this tag on this long-defunct bottle of wine in the door of my fridge. As you know, from your Big Book of–oh you know. As you know, I can’t drink wine without getting a migraine now. So I’ve got this neglected bottle of what is probably pink vinegar formerly known as dry rose, and I noticed a tag on it.

Win prizes! the tag read. You know what would be a prize? Me getting to work on time. Win prizes! the tag beckoned. Win pink diamond earrings, or a rose gold necklace!

A rose gold–pink diamond–OH MY GOD HOW?

And this is why I should be taking my Ritalin, which I never do, and which probably went without saying. The tag on my wine said to go online and put in this code, and with my ONE MINUTE TO GET TO WORK, I went to my computer and did. I am just as jittery about this as you are. You know how on shows the phone rings or someone’s at the door and the person on the show takes forever to answer? I get so nervous when that happens. That’s you right now, isn’t it?

Well, my procrastination and ADD really paid off, because I went on the site, put in the code, and?

“We’re sorry. That code has already been entered.”

NO IT HASN’T! Oh my god. I entered it again and was officially late for work.

“We’re sorry. That code has already been entered.”

Somebody broke into my house, took all the hair ties, absconded with my brow pencil, and entered my wine code to win pink diamonds.

It dawned on me that some sketchy grocery store employee at my sketchy grocery store probably entered ALL the bottles and if I eventually see some clerk over there with pink diamond earrings Ima deck her sketch ass.

I gave up in disgust, cursing the person who entered my code, and was just headed for the door when?

Edsel barfed. Eds never barfs. Bob never vomits at home.

I sighed, cleaned it up, and noticed as I headed for the door YET AGAIN that my sweater was 100% covered in lint. I know it’s Lint right now, but come on. See. That was a Lent joke. That’s how bad things have gotten.

You’ll be relieved to hear that finally I screamed to my car, screamed down the road and when I got to the traffic light, I attempted to turn left just as the light was turning red. Some

ASSHOLE

was similarly screaming, and she RACED through the red light, coming right at me. I had to slam on the breaks and twist my wheel dramatically to avoid being hit by her huge asshole truck, and if SHE shows up in a rose gold necklace I will not just hit her, I will also run her over with her stupid stupid red-light-running stupid truck.

It wasn’t till I got to work and got settled in that I realized I’d forgotten to put on deodorant.

The day was finally looking up when, after lunch, an editor brought pie to work for everyone, to celebrate Pi day. And then?

Thursday was ass.

40 thoughts on “June describes her Thursday. It’s bad. It’s real bad, mister.

  1. My great niece used hair ties on her abundant 14 year-old hair when she lived with me. (I swear, she had 20 heads of my hair on her one head) She hasn’t been here for 6 months, and hair elastics are STILL showing up on a weekly basis.

    I join all my peri- and menopausal friends in the sparse brows that used to be very full. And on top of that, while the hair on my head isn’t turning grey so much, the hairs in my brows sure are! Which makes them look even less there. I have backups of backups of backups of brow pencils because I have to buy the latest gimmick.

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  2. Blueberry stains are the devil, but I did laugh my whole way through this post. I’m glad you didn’t get turned into blueberry pie by that crazy woman with the truck!

    I’ve got what I call “ghost brows” that are only getting more non-existent as I barrel my way through perimenopause, and that NYX tinted brow gel is the freaking best. I go through it so fast, I keep two tubes in the house.

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  3. I was like some of the others I was rushing through this and was so relieved to see you avoided the accident. It did push me to leave early for a meeting I had to attend this morning. I hope Paula has recovered from the stress.
    Hilarious comments.
    Tee

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  4. Good Lord! I’m both tense and exhausted. At least you have lovely pink nails!
    Bob never vomits at home!

    Say, what’s the name of the facebook group?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d love to! I found the prayers and good thoughts group, but I get the feeling there’s another one. When I search for it, nothing familiar comes up.

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  5. Life Coach: OK, June, describe your day for me in one sentence.
    June: Somebody broke into my house, took all the hair ties, absconded with my brow pencil, and entered my wine code to win pink diamonds.
    Life Coach: *considers changing careers*
    June: Did I mention the stupid stupid red-light-running stupid truck?
    Life Coach: Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum.

    Magnificent comments today.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my GOD…my cats always put my hair ties in their water and food bowls…but I never imagined they’d actually EAT THEM. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Something new to obsess over.

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    1. I READ IT SUPER FAST AND THE READING VOICE IN MY HEAD WAS ALSO SORT OF YELLING BECAUSE “OH MY GAWD JUNE IS LATE FOR WORK!!!!!!! HURRY HURRY!!!!!” and now I am exhausted.

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  7. What a day! We all need to sit in a circle and meditate with 1madgirl to handle the stress from reading about your morning. I was actually relieved when you avoided the collision. Almost as relieved as you were.

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  8. My daughter is in her mid thirties, married with three children and yet doorknobs all over my house still have hair ties on them. Everything else has been given the Marie Kondo and Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning but those hair ties will be here as long as the house stands, I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my God, I completely forgot that I used to put hair ties on my doorknobs. Because where else would you put them, right? Now, I just keep them in a drawer in my bathroom.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG I AM SO FRAZZLED NOW.

    I’m sure I’ve told this story before, but here it comes again: My bosses’ cat had to have surgery to remove THIRTY EIGHT hair ties from his insides. The hair ties caused a blockage, etc. He had stolen them (Mrs. Boss and both daughters have yards of thick gorgeous hair and while Mrs. B’s is never in a tie, both daughters always have their hair tied up, pulled back, whatever. I have three hairs, what do I know.) and ingested them, gotten sickly and needed surgery. That was fine and the daughters were chastised, cat-proof hair tie containers were procured and all was right with the world. UNTIL, lather, rinse, repeat, Leo (the cat) had to have a second surgery to remove a new ball of hair tie blockage. The daughters were drawn and quartered, just about, which is ridiculous because it was all Leo’s fault. And clearly he has a hair tie habit and probably had a stash hidden. Or was out in the street selling his felt mice and scoring hair ties. Anyway, that was a while ago, they staged an intervention, Leo went to rehab and he’s been clean ever since. He even goes to HTA (Hair Tie Anonymous) meetings in the basement of their church. “Hi, I’m Leo.” “Hiiiii, Leo.”

    And he kept removing the cone of shame so he had to wear a cat onesie so he wouldn’t pick at his stitches. (I used to have a picture; if I can find it, I’ll post it on FBoJ.) Leo is a HUGE Maine Coon with a tiny little high-pitched meep meow.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. My recurring dream is trying to call in to work and not being able to complete the actual DIALING process on the phone. Apparently my worst fear is being a no-show/no call to work. After 35 years, I am sure that by now they know I will turn up eventually! Stupid brain and stupid dreams.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For years I would have nightmares that I was trying to call home so that someone could come and pick me up and take me home and in those nightmares, I could never complete the call. My fingers would slip while dialing or I’d hit the wrong number and I just needed to get home and then I would wake up in a cold sweat of gasping anxiety. Those nightmares stopped when we moved into our home, which was my dad’s childhood home and has always felt like HOME to me. Which is why the nightmares stopped. Because I was finally Home.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I thought I was the only one! It’s specific to work, too! First I can’t find the phone, then I can’t remember the number, then I can’t dial the numbers right, and the whole time I’m frantic that they’re going to fire me for no-showing. It’s truly my most stressful recurring dream!

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  11. Somebody run get help for the wild woman while I sit here and Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum.

    I was taught that Om is the primordial sound of the universe. But maybe, just maybe, June screaming in to work is the primordial sound of the universe.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh my god. My heart is pounding. Why is it when you’re not looking for a hair tie they are EVERYWHERE, but when you need one? Nada.

    This is like the dreams I have where I’m really really late to work but for some reason I CANNOT get out the door. Or call anyone to say I’m late. Or do anything at all sensible. You lived my dream.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those dreams are the worst and unfortunately my most frequent. It usually involves trying to get dressed and none of the clothes fitting, and then it’s already 5:00 and I have missed my whole work day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I thought I was the only one who has that dream. It gets hours and hours later and I am trying on tops and slacks and skirts and not one single thing even remotely goes with any other thing and I cannot get dressed. And it always ends like that; it never resolves.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I’m so glad it’s not only me! I think this is the grown up version of the dreams I had in high school where I would show up at school or work in my PJs. And I’d think “oh maybe no one will notice!” but of course everyone does. We sometimes have pajama days at school and there is just no.way.

            Liked by 1 person

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