I was exhausted after my harrowing workday yesterday. I’d planned to make breadless meatloaf per my new diet (pounds lost: zero), but I was so tired I said screw it, I’m driving through Subway, this bad-for-me place, despite what Jared says about it.
The good news is I asked for Baked Lays and they gave me, you know, regular Lays. So that was exciting. Why haven’t I shed even a pound?
After I ate my Subway, exhausted, I lay on the couch, I regular-Lays on the couch, exhausted, until 9:30, which felt like a fairly undepressing time to go to bed. I don’t remember one moment after that until 5:30, when I was wide awake.
Which brings us here, now, together in our torrid embrace.
Yesterday morning, on (Face)book of June–
–if you want to be a member you have to email me and give me your Facebook name so I can invite you because we’re private and extra exclusive. And if you have no profile picture or one friend you ain’t gettin’ on. Same with requests to follow me on Instagram. In what world would someone say, Okay, yeah, weird secretive faceless stranger. Go ahead and follow my private life while you have no identity at all. Yay!
ANYWAY, yesterday on (Face)book of June, I mentioned I hadn’t had time to write a blog post yet (see above re exhaustion) and asked if anyone had ideas for what I could write at lunch. You DID have ideas, but then I didn’t have enough time at lunch to write anything (see above re exhaustion).
And that brings us here, now, in our torrid embrace.
Please stop, June.
It’s early in the a.m., and I was tryin’ to think about what to write you up in here, and I remember someone said, Show us your house, and I was all, Haven’t I already? It’s a small house, y’all. Less than 1,000 square feet. I think you’ve seen it. But maybe I haven’t gone room to room to show you, so here we are. In our torrid embrace.
The thing is, what really makes my house lovely is the light it gets, and it’s dark AF right now. If you ever want to get on my nerves, please say “O’dark-thirty.”
But, since here we are, in our torrid embrace, and you asked for photos of my house and the only time I can seem to get them to you is o’dark-thirty
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, god, that’s funny.
I show you my House in Darkness.
We start with a 10-second video of the front of my house, because I wanted you to enjoy the pretty stairs that lead to my place. The neighbor across the street has a rooster who crows so often I wonder if I’m Peter, but did that red-combed motherfucker make a SOUND while I was out there? Actually, yes. He did. Just as I was walking back in. Dammit.
Since you can’t see much in that video, here are my pretty steps from another day, and someone please pick up on the theme of these photos, which is that Edsel is obsessed with me.
When I bought this house, they told me it was built in 1932, but now that I’ve gotten to know the neighbors and become obsessed with a woman’s Instagram who lives in a house IDENTICAL TO MINE but on the next block, I think it was really built in the ’20s.
Some of the houses are in not-great shape, but others have been taken care of, including mine, and they are charming.
Here is the view of my living room from the front door. My goal, actually, was to find a house that had some sort of entryway, but I did not, in fact, find that. What I did find was a dirt-cheap house that was in great shape and had character.
The woman whose Instagram I’ve become obsessed with, the one who lives on the next block, showed her doorbell, and it is cool as shit, cool AS, and I KNEW IT WOULD BE when I saw this outline of mine on my door. My new goal? To find one and put it back on the door where it belongs.
From the living room you go to a little square hallway, where you have the choice of going to my bedroom (left) for a torrid embrace, the den (right), the bathroom (straight ahead) (Milhouse often locks himself in there with a magazine, which is why the door is closed at present) or the kitchen (also left, but leftier than the bedroom). It’s the Hallway of Possibilities.
Really, this would be SO MUCH PRETTIER in the daylight. You know what? Let’s revisit this tour when the sun is shining.
But since we’re here, in our tor–
Since we’re here, we can at least now look in my backyard, where a tepid sun is coming up and when is it finally gonna be actually nice out?
Here is the view from my kitchen window, and what you’re looking at is the flimsy fence I have to replace and also the pear tree, and see the other blooming tree behind it? A reader told me that’s a depressed cherry or something like that. They’re both so pretty. That pear tree gets about a million pears on it, and when I moved in in late September I got to eat maybe 10 pears, still.
So that’s partially my house, with more pictures to come when it’s all light and lovely in here.