Born to Run

“I have so many things to do this weekend,” I smugged to my neighbors. We have dinner most Fridays at the nearby Mexican restaurant, and last Friday was so warm that we ate outside. I dipped 3040403202 enormous chips into salsa repeatedly, because I was starved and also it was delicious.

My plans for the weekend included viewing more videos and doing the writing assignments my life coach had given me (done).

Planting the 12 baby trees I got free after filling out a survey from the Arbor Day foundation (done).

Marie Kondo-ing my stuff (NOT DONE).

Reading my book and not staring at the internet instead (done).

Laundry (done. Also, why I gotta have so many clothes?).

Note all of these plans involve zero people. Because if I were a band, I’d be Herman’s Hermits. If I were a crab (hah), I’d be a Hermit Crab. I am Hermit the Frog. If I were towels, I wouldn’t be the His towel, I’d be Her(mit)s.

But the thing is, as we ate outside and enjoyed the spring warmth and also pollen, we started talking about cool things to do in town, and by the time dinner was done, I was obsessed with the idea of going to this cute new French restaurant for breakfast Saturday, and then also too going to this parking lot where everyone brings his or her old car and there’s also coffee.

So then when I woke up Saturday I was completely overwhelmed and paralyzed with indecision. Clean the house as I normally do? Go to the French place? Head to the car lot? Read? Start the planting?

make up mynd, bitz

I also had freelance work to do, because as you may know, seeing as you have in your possession a giant Book of June Events, I am having a fence put up and need to pay for it.

The materials are here, but there was a snaf-fucking-fu with what day it’s supposed to actually start, and right now it’s allegedly Tuesday at 8 a.m. Further Reports as Developments Warrant (FRaDW).

I have put up a little sidebar thing with the price of said fence, and as I pay it down I will alert you to that. As it stands now I have paid nothing toward my fence. But what I did do was ask around at places I’ve freelanced for in the past, and as luck would have it, there was a several-month project just getting started and I already have the beginning of that work.

The point is, on Saturday morning,

I OVERWHELMED SELF

with all the what-should-I-do choices.

I remember my college boyfriend’s roommate having a terrible poster that read: Choices. And the choices were a hot girl, beer and a car. Probably a Corvette. Because does that not sound like a Corvettte-centric poster? Anyway that was me, only my choices were way less enticing than a girl, who apparently counts as an object, with a round buttockal region.

So, you know what they say: When in doubt, make a smoothie. I realize no one has ever actually said that. But that’s what I did, because this diet I’m allegedly on requires me to make a smoothie every day, and as I was spinning around Saturday morning trying to figure out what to do first, a UPS delivery came with my new protein powder, so I said, Well, there’s a sign.

Let me tell you what: My last tub of protein powder always tasted a little fishy, for no reason I could discern seeing as it did not have fish. But THIS powder? Mother of god. It was absurdly good.

I drank while I did a little housework, blowing off the actual leaving-of-the-house portion of my day. Once I was done with that, I opened the package that held my baby trees

The stork is overkill.

And realized I’d have to soak the roots for many hours before planting. Don’t you hate that? It’s like the one time every 8 years that I cook, and I get all excited and buy the ingredients, and then they’re like, Marinate the stork meat for 9 hours first. Goddammit.

Baby trees with placenta

My trees came in this sort of goop, but not Gwyneth Paltrow Goop, that preserved them for shipping or something. I got out a big tub and soaked the roots like I was supposed to, then went inside and did other things on my list, which things are all a blur now, because

madre de Dios.

An hour or two after I drank that smoothie, I started to feel a bit peckish. My stomach was roiling a bit. It was Roil Rogers. And soon I was looking Pale Evans. Then? I was Triggered.

One thing I can say to you is I feel more intimately involved with my bathroom now. I mean, we really got to spend quality time together this weekend. And here’s the rub: I’d already started the soak-the-roots portion of my tree planting. I couldn’t let a dozen baby trees die just because I was Helen Hurley Brown.

So I’d mince out to the yard, dig a hole shakily, plant the poor baby tree who never hurt anyone,

That stick in the foreground is the baby tree. YOU try to photograph a stick.

then rush inside to explode with flavor.

When I was finally done planting the trees, I hunched weakly onto one of my lawn chairs, like Barbara Hershey at the beach.

Oh, I felt awful. Not so awful that I didn’t take time out of my pressing schedule to weigh self. Lost a pound! Silver lining!

I also took the time to contact every one of my friends to announce the State of My Bowels.

Photo of life passing me by while I roil on couch.

I never really got better and I still don’t know whether to blame the Mexican food or the smoothie. Someone told me salsa is often a culprit and I reflected on the salsa FEST I had Friday. Either way, everything I’ve consumed has left the building, so.

On Sunday I did finally leave The Hermitage to hang with Chris and Lilly awhile. They own a feed store, but they also too own a greenhouse. They can walk to their many many greenhouses right from their regular house, which is sort of brown.

Chris and Lilly’s dog, who has always been over me.
Chris and Lilly’s cat: Same.
Do you know who’s not over me? Their children. We all walked over to the greenhouses together to a cacophony of, “Miss June! Look at me!”
Here was G, carrying my purse, because he was concerned that I just set it down in a greenhouse. Those plants can be crime-y.
we steel yer shitz
we tayke yer identiteee
fuq yer mothur
Flower children. What you are, June, is hilarious.

Going to Chris and Lilly’s is like taking a small vacation.

That was the wknd. The only other noteworthy event is that Milhous seems obsessed with water, and he’s taught himself to turn on the faucet and then have a shower, and I don’t know why I never get any sedate cats, other than Lily, who I guess is sedate enough to cover the entire category and that is why I keep getting…spirited felines.

I will keep you POSTED on the fence. Don’t PICKET this blog. Don’t make this fencegate.

Absurdly,
June

mom weerd

27 thoughts on “Born to Run

  1. I went to the French place Saturday morning! Sorry you didn’t make it. To the restaurant, that is. The bathroom was probably the best place to be if you were feeling poorly. The French place was great so if you get a chance to go, do! I suspect the protein powder was the culprit Saturday morning. Orgain protein powder is good. I dunno about weight loss usefulness though. I use it because I’m too tired to fix breakfast at 0500.

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  2. My grandmother used to say a little diarrhea is good for you every now and then. Heehee!
    How nice you got to have an adventure in the country. I did, too. On Friday. My attitude is greatly improved!

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  3. This, I know for sure. The powder consumed would have affected stomach and your vomit phobic self. It had no time to go elsewhere.

    The salsa had travel time and affected your bowels. Salsa edelweiss had time for its bacteria to bloom and grow in your body.

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  4. Sorry for your illness but yay! about the pound.

    When did Chris and Lilly’s children grow out of babyhood?? They are beautiful kids, but what does one expect, considering their parental units.

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  5. Lovely post, June. If I recall correctly, you were going to review Tidying Up for us when you finished the book. I’m anxiously awaiting that review. I don’t know from protein powder except I don’t think I’d enjoy it.

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  6. The bummer about protein powder is it comes in huge ass containers. If you don’t like, you are stuck unless you are willing to be wasteful. I did not know that about protein powder. I do not take Prilosec, but I have Celiac disease so any upheaval in any of my systems and Celiac gets blamed. I, too, loved the photos of those sweet kids vying for your attention. So fun and sweet!

    Are you in Greensboro? My daughter competes in World Championships for Irish dancing in a few weeks in Greensboro. (Last year it was Scotland, next year Dublin. Not sure how Greensboro was chosen, but I am thrilled because no major time difference or money difference, and we can drive – from Chicago, but still!). Be on the lookout for lots of bright, gaudy dresses and crazy wigs. You’ve been warned!

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  7. I’m the one who suggested that the salsa could be the culprit. But I am glad to know it could be that healthy protein powder rather than the life-giving chips and salsa! I have never heard of the Prilosec/protein powder dilemma before. Good information to know.

    Also, it’s crazy that Chris and Lilly’s kids are so big! I’ve been reading since before they were born. And by the by, your photographs are getting better and better. Damn near professional now! You should be charging us to see them.

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  8. Don’t know how much you want to experiment, but yeah, I’d suspect the protein powder as well. I’m finding as I get older (which definitely beats the alternative, but still) that bodily functions really start to turn on you. There’s a reason old people tend to eat like they do. But maybe start with just a little of the new protein powder and work your way up. They change formulas on processed stuff all the time so it could just be a little different.

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  9. Nice picture day. Chris & Lilly’s kids surrounded by the flowers feels a bit like the Wizard of Oz. Whenever I see that hairy pillow on your sofa I think it’s another cat. Thanks, I’ll skip the protein powder and just get it the regular way, cheese.

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  10. That’s a brutal way to lose weight. Hope you don’t need to be tied to the toilet today.

    Chris and Lilly’s children are adorable and their flowers are gorgeous. The picture of their son carrying your heavy-for-him purse killed me.

    I’m with you on the indecision of where to start when I have a long list of things to do. Obviously, reading your not-blog is high on my list.

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  11. Lovely flower children. I covet their gardening gloves! Chris and Lilly lead a wonderful life in a charming setting, but it has to be a lot of work, work, work.

    I’m always afraid my cats will turn on the water and I’d have a flood, so I always leave the drain cover thingy in the dish drainer. Yes, I’m my mother, constantly worrying about unlikely events happening. But also, no flood…knock on wood.

    My trainer has suggested protein powder, but now I think I’ll stick with munching on a handful of almonds or sunflower seeds while I have my smoothie.

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  12. I hope you are feeling a LOT better. I didn’t know that about protein powder! Come to June’s health blog. Chris and Lily’s kids are sooo cute, it doesn’t seem like they should be that big! We put out seedlings, they are the easiest trees to plant, but well worth the effort.
    Tee

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  13. June’s more energetic than me I really need to get it in gear. I love Lily’s dog’s grey muzzle. June’s backyard flowers. Chris and Lily’s enchanting life/children/business model. Lovely post June!

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  14. Those trees will look amazing in 35 years! We planted trees a few years back and I’m still waiting to be awed.
    Protein powder can wreak havoc on the guts. Bummer.

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  15. Sorry but what kind of trees? That is so cool to get baby trees in the mail, and for free! Glad you are better.

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  16. I’m sure I’m going to get this wrong, but maybe it’s the protein powder. Some contain a thing (so helpful) that will make your liver release glucagon (which is supposed to help with weight loss because I guess your liver is storing less stuff? So helpful). Anyway glucagon will make you nauseated, depending on your sensitivity. That last bit I’m sure of. Am diabetic. Am sensitive. Otherwise I’m not sure why I bothered with this helpful information. Except I don’t want you to feel you need to give up salsa and chips. As if.

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    • I was going to suggest the protein powder as well. If you take prilosec and then have whey it has an unwelcome effect. Protein powder in general makes me barfy, everyone is always telling me, oh this one tastes like a milkshake. Nope, it never does, it tastes like chalky milk with barfy protein, I can’t even smell it without feeling sick.

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