DREAN

I’m writing to you on Sunday night so that I don’t have to scream through a post Monday morning. Despite this, I will still find a way to be late for work.

So, what’d YOU do all weekend? Here’s what I did. Prepare for greatness. Or, “Hunh. That’s …riveting, June.”

Someone gave their plants a bath on a rainy Friday at work.

I left work about 5:30, fed and peed everyone (at home, I mean. Otherwise, wow, June. HR much?), and headed downtown to drive all the old men cra–oh my god June, with that line already.

June has seen enough of your shit. Also, wow, with the cat fur on that coat. Hot.

Two people I know, but not biblically, were part of an art exhibit downtown, so I went to the opening Friday. Because it was Friday night, I had to park in the Rape-y Urine Garage® and walk to the gallery.

There was all sorts of, you know, art going on because it’s a multi-gallery kind of a place, and I sort of felt like I was on the set of Fame or something. Perhaps everyone considered my cat coat to be a kind of artistic statement.

I found the gallery I wanted, but right before I got in there, a man in a vest and twirly mustache said, “May I add free strands of fairy hair to your regularly scheduled hair?”

Damn right you can. I got to pick out my color, and I want you to sit down but I chose pink, and he weaved maybe three strands of shiny fairy hair in my head,

then he sprinkled me with what he assured me was biodegradable fairy dust, and I can tell you right now that if Marvin were still alive, he’d have hated that fairy guy.

[Disclaimer: Marvin is, as far as I know, 100% alive.]

Anyway, then I walked into that snooty art space and everyone looked at me like, Oh, look at the old lady thinking she’s cool with her pink fairy hair. I AM COOL. You just don’t understand the splendor of me. Art asses.

All of the pieces in this particular show had to have words in them. Naturally I forgot my reading glasses, but some nice man loaned me his and then he got his Boy Scout badge for helping an old person.

One of the two friends who was in the thing said, “Hey, I’m ‘the artist’ and I get free wine. I don’t want any, but do you want some?”

Of course I had to tell him the whole story of how I can’t drink anymore because every time I do I get a migraine but I keep giving it the college try, and eventually just to get the hell away from me, he got me HALF a glass of wine.

I was standing talking with my coworkers who were also there, Austin and Frapdorp, and I LITERALLY took three sips of wine and announced, “Well, I’m drunk.”

I was drunk, too.

I stood around long enough, kibitzing with people, till I sobered up again, and for a town that has a quarter of a million people in it, you seem to see the same 200 people over and over again. I was shocked at how many people popped in there who I knew.

Finally, Austin drove me to the Rape/Urine lot (I was parked on Level Pee), and I went home and wished I had any artistic talent. I can draw out all of your energy. Does that count? Sometimes I’m a little sketchy. How about that?

I’m a paint in the ass. Surely that means something artistic about me.

givv ups mom

The next day, I had a date.

I am not interested in men, still, but my new theory is I have to pretend as if I am and maybe one day I’ll like one again. Maybe that’s a stupid theory, but it’s been an alarming number of years since I was in a romantic entanglement. Three and a half, if you want to be specific. One could blame a lot of that on how much I hung around my ex, but now we do not speak. It’s been months we’ve not hung out, and I still hate all men, but I’m going out there and trying to dredge up feelings. This might be a waste of time, but how is getting to know a new person ever a waste of time?

Hello. I hate you.

So I put my makeup on and schlepped back downtown, and they might as well just call it Junesboro at this point.

Said date and I got coffee, and walked around downtown, and he got to meet Kit at her store, and then we got an actual alcoholic drink and look at ol’ June, imbibing right and left. I got away with it, too! Both times!

They had a special spring drink menu and all the drinks were named for ’80s movies. I had a Save Ferris, which was whiskey, lemon simple syrup, and 7Up. It was delicious but I think there was, like, no alcohol in it, which may explain why I got away with this drink.

My date had Zed’s Dead, which had something orange in it, and that’s all — oh! It also had gin. I just remembered. I don’t cotton to gin, myself.

My Saturday date drew to a close and I went home and realized I had no desire to be home. So I got back in the car, drove to the movie theater, and saw what was on. Turns out? Pet Semetary. Which I saw, and which was a mistake.

Do you know what’s annoying? Seventy attempts to startle you. Why not write well and make it scary and suspenseful that way rather than, Oooo, something might jump put right now.

Here’s me standing in front of a sign at the movies that reads, “DREAM,” but I could only fit “DREAN” in. I’m livin’ the drean.
When I left that stupid movie, I captured on film this odd but cool thing that’s now parked in front of the theater. Maybe I just DREANed it.

Anyway, you know what’s not really relaxing? Is seeing Pet Semetary and then coming home to your three creepy cats.

boo
Mill eet flesh of lillee. Mill unded.
hawnt yuuuuu

Today I took my freelance work outside and worked at the table in my yard. Seeing as they STILL HAVEN’T FINISHED MY FENCE, I brought Eds out on a leash, but he kept leaping up to eat bees and almost knocking my chair over, so eventually I took him inside to think about what he’d done.

edz refleckt

Once I did enough Fence Freelance, I took self shopping in the hopes of maybe buying some cheap spring little shirts, but I don’t know what kind of riot went though my Old Navy, maybe the New Army hazed them, but everything was such a mess that I left in disgust.

Do I need this? I do, don’t I.

Instead, I went to Barnes & Noble, and IN MY DEFENSE, I’d been to our local bookstore on my date, so it’s absolutely okay that I went all basic and hit B&N.

I dearly wanted these notecards, even though I have all the notecards in all the land already.

Look! They’re different colors inside! Oh, aren’t they pretty? Still. I abstained.

I also looked at all the stationery and chose this one in my mind.

What I DID buy was one of these:

All the millennials at work have one, and they swing theirs around all the time, looking nubile and fresh, Meanwhile, I have this plastic cup my workplace two workplaces ago gave me in like 2007, and it has no lid and it’s no longer insulated, so yay. This bottle was half off, and I also got to use my Barnes & Not-So-Noble membership, so it came to nine dollars and something.

I wish this company would s’top using apostrophes for no reason. But s’till. New water bottle! Now with actual lid!

zzzzzzzz

I guess that sums up the weekend, and I am sorry there wasn’t more torrid sex or drug use, but if you want that from a 53-year-old, go read Courtney Love’s blog or whatever.

Sincerely,
Juuuun

67 thoughts on “DREAN

  1. People who obviously think that other people are not cool are not cool.

    A blog this good is art. Especially including the animal photos with captions.

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  2. I love a good stationary shop. I’ve gone back to a paper planner this year and the difference it makes in how committed I feel to do so something on my to-do list has been phenomenal. It also means my Amazon echo device has been downgraded into what’s essentially a voice controlled radio.

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  3. I’m very late in reading this post. I appreciated the “I don’t cotton to gin” comment!!! It was snort-worthy!

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  4. Friday I bought a new refrigerator and then got home and realized it wouldn’t fit in the kitchen. It was a scratch and dent and the sale was final, so this week I’m having a handyman come in and cut off the corners of my countertops so it can fit in. I really want this refrigerator and haven’t liked the countertop for ages, so I will (hopefully) fix it up somehow so it can last until I get it replaced. Then Saturday we took a friend out to Olive Garden for dinner and the bill came to $135 with tip for 5 of us, no alcohol. And it wasn’t that great. We’re going to get more selective about where we go out to eat now…every chain we’ve been to has been pricey and not that good.
    Your weekend sounds so much better, June.

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  5. I know I’ve said this before so I apologize for sounding kind of stalky…but I really am fascinated by your ability to put intention into things like this. Deciding to date because it could improve your life down the road, even though you don’t feel like it right now seems very self aware to me. I think I would just be continuously pissed at the world and at men and just assume if it was going to change, it would. I don’t think I have the ability to think “I could potentially do something to change this state of being.”

    I’m really impressed.

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  6. Just here, leaving a comment. I don’t leave one often since I’m not witty or interesting. However, I do read daily and have always been rooting for you whatever you have going on.

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  7. I was California dreaning all weekend. I had 4 days off from work and napped every day. It was glorious. I plan to binge watch Call the Midwife tomorrow. I’m a couple of seasons behind. I will comment more, Joon. Love your writing.

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  8. These Weekend Wrap-Up posts are my favorite! That there is some weird underwear art. Is there a new Pet Semetary movie or is it the same old one? Scary movies are not my jam, so idk. My weekend wasn’t nearly as fun. Mine involved yard work, dinner out, church, and sufficient time on the couch. Oh, and a leisurely trip to Target. No matter how much yard work I do, there is always SO MUCH MORE. Gah! And here we are at Monday again.
    Have a great week!

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  9. Your weekend sounds fun! I actually had made plans to get together with two friends, who both managed to get sick, so I was on my own. I did fun stuff! I threw out stuff, bagged up giveaway items and packed stuff to move. I also watched some movies on TV. I like suspenseful, scaryish movies, without too much gore.

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  10. My new job has me busy busy in which means I can’t comment on your blog until after work. And then i feel like I’ve missed the party. I will remember to respond more often so you dont think I died.

    I’m glad you met a man. You’re right. Gotta keep up the hope that not all men are dicks.

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  11. Also? Strands of fairy hair? Do rogue grays standing up at obnoxious angles from the regular run-of-the-mill brown count as fairy hair?

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  12. I totally forgot to do the once-a-year arty-y thing we had going on in my town on Sunday because I was working actually making jewelry in my studio from a long hiatus and obsessing over appropriate songs for the senior class slideshow that I am in charge of. I love that new bottle. Love that they keep hot and cold for hours on end. And I think those extraneous apostrophes are actually drops. So much for cleverness!

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  13. I use the same fake e-mail of “me@gojunego.com to make a comment because I like the red pinwheely thang. I’ve been to one gallery opening and was da BOMB. Neon artwork! Not neon paint, but actual neon signs. And beer. But that was eons ago and the fuzzy pants have a way of pinning me to the couch on a weekend. Lovely post, Joob. I love living vicariously through you.

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  14. Have you seen the tinsel hair? A friend at work has it. Or is this old and I’m just now finding out about it? They weave it in, different colors. Lovely post! My weekend would have been better had I not had tooth pain and a wisdom tooth extraction to look forward to soon.

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  15. Great post, Miss June.
    I spent the weekend with my 5 year old grandson (and no, I have no idea how many months that is) playing hide and seek. He tells me “Bae, I’m going to always hide here in this laundry basket”. and then he proceeded to hide right there in that same laundry basket every time. Then we played the game of “Bae, do you know where cows drink milk?” and I say no. And then he says “Guess”. So I guess the barn. and he says “No, the ‘Nited States”. Then he switched to where the cows drink orange juice, electricity, brown, houses, etc. for about 20 minutes. and you will never believe that the answer to each and every one of those was “the “Nited States”.

    See, getting older can still be fun. If you have a 5 year old to play with.

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  16. Oooo, the hair thing is cool. I would love to have strands woven into to my hair.

    We s’hould s’peak with the s’tupid apostrophes because it is s’o cool.
    S’upper time!
    How are you? I’m s’uper, thanks for asking!
    S’wing low, s’weet chariot.

    Don’t mind me. I’m just amusing myself here for no good reason.

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  17. I suffered from the plague all weekend. I tried acting like I felt better but it didn’t work. My college daughter was home for the weekend so I did cook. I went to an urgent care because my ear had clogged to the point of losing the ability to hear on that side. She mentioned there was a wax buildup and was sending a nurse in to flush it out. It was excruciating and tears were streaming down my face. Turns out my eardrum was ruptured which I assume was a result of the vigorous flushing. I’m home from work today coughing and half-deaf.
    I’m glad you got out for some fun and I love your new water bottle. Young people really do love fancy water bottles.

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  18. So, this was my weekend: We had 32 relatives (8 were children ranging in age from 30 months to s 126 months old) for lunch at my house Saturday. Only 13 were here the entire weekend. We were gathered to remember my mother-in-law, who had died a week prior. It was loud, reverent, emotional, and joyful.

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  19. The highlight of my weekend consisted of going out to dinner Saturday night with two gyno doctors, one psychologist and one social worker. I wanted to lay down on the banquet and have them take care of me from head to toe. I resisted.

    Also binge watched Life in Pieces, which I cannot recommend highly enough.

    My 23 year old son flew to London for work on Saturday -business class – and is staying at a swank hotel for a week. I was fondly remembering that when I was his age, I was in London too. Staying at a youth hostel, backpacking, and living on bread that clogged me up for a month. So I spent a good part of Saturday being happy for him and bummed for my lack of adventure in my old age.

    Then I found out yesterday afternoon that my dog’s best friend that she has known for over 15 years has to be put to sleep on Wednesday. I was crying from that minute until I passed out last night.

    It was an emotionally mixed weekend.

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  20. In the spirit of commenting on your post, my weekend was watching my daughter in her last high school musical. They performed Mamma Mia and she killed it. She has been doing since she was 10 and this was her 20th show. A nice cap to her senior year.

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    • Kim, my son too was in his last musical of his high school life in February. He doesn’t have a strong voice but when you’re the only male in a class of 100 willing to get out there, he always gets a role. I’m in awe of his bravery.

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    • My weekend, like Cliff Claven, involved the plague. No busted eardrum though, thank goodness! So I didn’t do anything exciting and just laid low.

      Rape/Urine garage makes me laugh. I worked downtown in the city for almost 30 years, and parked in a garage beside the law firm where I worked. Although it was heaven because everything was under-roof between the garage and our building, we all dreaded every Monday and what we would come in to. Restaurant/Bar Row in that city was right up the street from our garage and if you got to the garage before our poor maintenance guy and his trusty hose on Monday morning, you got to dodge all the various bodily fluids and beer/liquor bottles left in our garage and sidewalks from drunk patrons over the weekend. Occasionally, there were also people sleeping it off in their cars or in a dark corner and the maintenance guy got to play the Drunk or Dead game. Thank goodness they were usually drunk. I think we didn’t pay our maintenance guy nearly enough for that bs!

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  21. Love the new header.
    “This might be a waste of time, but how is getting to know a new person ever a waste of time?”
    How, you ask? I’ll tell you how. I went out of my way to do a little extra for a customer because I know he’s having a rough time (divorce, flooding, etc) and he had the GODDAMN NERVE to ask me if I helped out with my landlord’s cattle because the bulls “excited” me. THAT is how getting to know a new person is a waste of time.

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  22. Why has no one asked? I want to know if you’re seeing date, who got to meet Kit, again.
    Also, too, I have art shows and dinner downtown in my head. Instead, I went to the opening of a new Menards. Woo! I’m too exciting.

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  23. Such a punny post.
    Love the new header. You look beautiful for your date and sounds like a fun weekend to me. My weekend consisted of cleaning house, a little sewing, a little reading on Saturday. Sunday we went to church, came home, ate, I cleaned up the kitchen (my husband does most of the cooking) and took a nap. We have a local art gallery and when I go in there I think, “how do these people do all this stuff?” I don’t have one dab of artistic ability. I can’t even draw good stick people.
    Tee

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  24. I need fairy hair!! I guess I’ll have to settle for a mermaid cupcake that someone brought to work today! I am aware that i am 44 years old, but anything sparkly or basically anything marketed for 5 year old girls makes me want to have it!
    Your weekend sounds lovely, except for the scary movie!

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  25. I’ve been trying to read this post since before 8 am, but I keep getting interrupted! There weren’t enough people in my last pointless meeting to be able to sneakily read the not blog.
    I watched Pet Semetery and many other horror movies growing up. My sister and dad love them. I am a giant chicken and finally, as an adult, stopped watching scary movies.
    Over the weekend, my husband and I stayed at a former bed and breakfast. I sent my dad pictures and he said, “I wonder who they have bricked up in the fireplace.” I was already nervous the place might be haunted, and no wonder with a dad like mine! Sheesh!
    Glad the date went okay!

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  26. I feel like your life is what I would do if I was a swinging single. Which is weird because I’m 99% sure my husband would be thrilled if I ran about all weekend and left him alone.

    While I always have a list of fun things that I ‘think’ I’m going to do, my winter and spring reality is that I come home Friday night and mostly don’t eave the house until Monday morning, except to exercise, because I’m busy cooking, cleaning, and prepping for the next week. Once in a while we throw in a dinner out with friends. Summer and early fall we manage the beach and instead of being stuck inside we sit outside on the patio. Woo hoo!

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  27. Lovely post Coot. I live vicariously through you. I snaked a drain and cleaned up bird poop this weekend. Yes, I know, all of you are jealous of my life.

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  28. What a brave soul you are! I don’t watch scary movies and I would never go to the movies to see one, especially by myself. I can’t even watch the commercials on TV for those things.

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  29. Love all this! Love the new header. I didn’t realize it’d been months since you talked to that person. Good for you girl. Love the new header too. I follow you on IG & you make me laugh all the time.

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  30. Remember when June had pink hair?! I loved it so much. Your curls have been insane (in a very good way) lately!

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  31. I have never seen (that I can recall, except for The Blob, and maybe that’s why) a horror movie. I mean, WHY? Why do that to yourself?

    I am similarly non-artistic and it chaps my ass because my ENTIRE FAMILY is artistic. They can paint, they can draw, they can sketch, they can take excellent artsy fartsy photos. I can barely dot an i. Lu annoy.

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  32. That new header picture is the bomb. I’m going to look at that a dozen times today and each time go off on a different fantasy. I’m artsy that way.
    Never turn down fairy hair. Muff, huh? I snorted at if Marvin were alive. I loved a hundred things in this post. I wish somebody would give me $400 and tell me to into B&N and buy all of the pretty things I want. That place is my idea of a candy store.

    Great post, Juuuun.

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  33. Drean reminds me of the Mama Cass song, Drean a Little Drean of Me.

    You look so pretty on your way to First Friday. Love your lipstick choice.

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  34. What a fun weekend you had! Mine was watching Braves baseball on television and schlepping my mom to an outdoor wedding. Thank goodness it was cloudy and a cool breeze due to nearby storms. The bride was the daughter of a woman that I used to babysit. That is how old I am now. But hey, I’m retired! Love going to art shows but usually can’t afford the art. Hope Lily survived the attack of the zombie cat.

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  35. Does the lid have a “find me” attachment… so it doesn’t get lost.
    Fairy hair …how did he know you would go with it?
    Your date had fine arms as in thin. He got you started for the rest of your meanderings.
    I find all the things you do interesting. I live in the country , don’t go to big cities , art shows, nor do I have friends who own a shop to visit.
    I walk in the woods, rake gravel, rake the yard, look at my computer, walk my dog (in the woods), cook every day.
    You see , your life is the shitz to me.
    Though , I probably could have put your fence up and it wouldn’t have cost you more than I live on in a year.

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  36. My daughters went to see that dreadful movie. My 23 year old came home and went fetal. I told them not to go, but what do I know?

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  37. Your life is perfectly exciting for me, June. My weekend (for comparison): come home from work Friday, hang around the house all weekend, get up on Monday morning and go back to work. Livin’ the dreen over here, is what we’re doing.

    The fairy hair intrigues me. Does the guy make money doing that? Because my 7 year old granddaughter is sitting on a gold mine if that’s the case. That girl glitters up everything.

    Happy Monday Pieps!

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