Does it drive you berserk that there’s always something on your phone/computer that needs updating? “Would you like to update now?” No, I’d like you to go fuck yourself, you dramatic motherfucker. You do NOT need updating. You just got updated last week. Now this is starting to sound like my marriage, fmr.

Anyway, I once again wish I had anything but work and cats to tell you about, as I am supposed to be over here entertaining you, but my entire Michigan J Frog self is consumed with mixing formula and cleaning cat litter.

Hello, my baby, hello, my darlin’, hello, my ragtime gaaaal.

No one ever calls anyone their ragtime gal anymore. And no, I’m not holding him by his neck. He’s three inches long. I’m holding him around his shoulders, but his, you know, neck is right next to that. Big, he’s not.

to put demon bat of niteniss DOWN

He really is going to be a long-haired cat. I think he’ll be quite beautiful once he’s over this fruit bat phase.

I just have ONE MORE cat story and then we’ll never speak of cats again.

Last night, after I bottle-fed the Prince of Darkness and burped him and made sure he went in his box–which he 100% has every time. After all that, I warmed up his heat disk and set it in his little bed of towels like he’s cat Jesus in the manger, where in fact there were no towels. Anyway, I put him in his manger of towels, then I sort of blankly went in my back yard to sit blankly in the sun. It had been an intense day at work, too, so at the end? Blank.

So there I was, Blank Devereaux, sitting blankly, when I noticed poor Iris walking the perimeter of the yard. Since we got the new fence, I’ve observed her walking right up against it, like it’s nice to know where she is or something. She’s the princess of darkness.

resent

Anyway, as per usual, Milhous was totally stalking her. He was Alex in Fatal Attraction. If he’d had a boombox to hold up under Iris’s window, he’d have been in her eyes. So to speak. In your non-eyes. The light the heat.

RESENT

My point is, Iris slid along the fence line until she reached the front of the yard, and then she sort of…stared out through the pickets at the front. Who knows what was out there, or if she even really saw anything, but that’s what she was doing. She was having Deep Thoughts. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. That’s my all-time favorite Deep Thought.

Anyway, behind her with his mind on his evil and his evil on his mind was Milhous, who even when I THINK his actual name I keep instead thinking Steely Dan. They just have the same big dick energy. Anyway, Milhous was creeping along the fence line as well, and when he got near her, he

STOOD ON HIS BACK LEGS, like Animal Farm, and used the fence to steady himself, and it was creepy and hilarious at the same time. He literally walked, holding the fence, till he got right up behind her to do god knows what. Put a whoopie cushion behind her? Blow an air horn? Present her with one of those giant checks?

I’m proud to say my little eyeless Iris walked away as she felt his terrible nearness, so we never got an end to that story and I really think the middle is more important anyway because he WALKED ON TWO LEGS.

Okay, that’s it. I’ll never speak of cats again.

I have to go. I have to get ready for the work, and today is trash day so I almost can’t contain the excitement. That isn’t even true. TOMORROW is trash day, but today is roll-the-trash-down day, which if you ask me counts. It’s almost like trash weekend, right, because then tomorrow it’s roll-the-can-back-up day, so it’s a sort of two-day extravaganza.

This is what happens when I have no sex, y’all. I somehow blame all of you. I’ve no idea why other than you’re here and it’s convenient.

Cats (see what I did, there?)
June

63 thoughts on “Midnight. Not a sound on the pavement.

  1. Misty says:

    I wish you had gotten a vee-dee-o (did I say it right?) of Old Tiptoes sneaking up on Iris!

    Like

  2. mogo@chartermi.net says:

    Fruit bat. Blank Devereaux. You are in top form today.

    Like

  3. debwhosbacktobeingdeb says:

    No one is here now. It’s just me and my lonely thoughts. I think it is totally our fault you aren’t having sex. Too bad you can’t post potential suitors and we could all vote on them – like Stitch fix. Snatch fix. Pricks fix. Itch fix.

    Like

    1. Koala Raspberry says:

      Snatch fix! Dying!

      Like

  4. Megsie says:

    I wish WordPress would get their cookies back so I didn’t have to remember to type my name in every single time…geez.

    Anyway…I love your cat stories, and I love a good Rag time gal.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  5. Anonymous says:

    Tuesday trash night. My favorite night of the week.

    Like

  6. CliffClaven says:

    4/17/19 will be a sad day if we never get to hear cat stories again.

    Like

  7. Fruit bat phase!

    I very much wish there was evidence of the walking on two legs by house of mill.

    I’m trying to rehome my cat and I feel like such a jerk. But she is petrified of my dog, and the dog was here first, and I really never should have adopted her in the first place and all she does is hide. One of my friends is willing to do a trial weekend. Cross your fingers.

    Like

  8. Sandra in Naples, Feral Cat Lady says:

    As the owner of two black cats, I love the little bitty fruit bat boy. Excellent photos! Your cats are more exciting than all of my cats put together. Speaking of cats (Duly noted, April 17, 2019) I am in charge of the feral’s here at work now. Cats, I mean. There are two at least and I’m a bit nervous, something more for me to worry about . Why can’t I be like the rest of the population and say Hoo Care?

    Like

  9. KA in NTX says:

    “I somehow blame all of you. I’ve no idea why other than you’re here and it’s convenient.”
    So funny!!! I love reading anything you write..

    Like

  10. 1madgirl says:

    https://images.app.goo.gl/goHWLFnDFAqxfGsB7

    I’ll just leave this right here.

    Like

  11. Hot in AZ says:

    I always get your references, unless it’s some movie I’m not familiar with.

    At 12:30 last night, I stepped onto our back patio and inhaled the scent of the damp desert (we had an unusually cold spinkly evening). The nostalgia hit me immediately, having grown up deep in the southwest desert. It always amazes me how scents can do that. And really, more than any other sense.

    Like

  12. Lindy says:

    I’m choking laughing right now. I just love you.

    Like

  13. romcomdojo says:

    I’m definitely naming my next band Trash Weekend.

    Like

  14. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    The ‘in your eyes” reference – ded. Your train of though references slay me.

    We have one cat that wants not one thing to do with our big dogs but anger them. He can make those 90 pound girls cower. One day they decided they could intimidate him if they kept a united front, I think. That ass cat ran at them on his back legs, his front legs waving in the air like one of those old movies with a lot of martial arts where the sounds didn’t match up to the mouth movements of the actors. The dogs backed that truck up in a hurry. I picture Mr. Mill there trying to be more casual about it, like “oh hey, Iris, fancy seeing you here!”

    Like

    1. June says:

      Sticking his hands in his pockets, whistling.

      Like

  15. Myssie1963 says:

    Blank Devereaux!

    Like

  16. ruth says:

    I come here for the cat posts.

    Like

    1. Mads says:

      Sweet Betsy Ross yes! Also am here for the niteniss (much cuter than tinnitus, but tx autocorrect!), cat Jesus in the manger, Blank Devereaux, all Say Anything refs and other assorted bits o’ word joy. Please keep cat posts coming.

      (Also anything Edsel.)

      Like

  17. rantymel says:

    OFFS with the updates. In the top ten of things that irk me.
    There’s no such thing as too many cat posts. Bat baby and Millhous walking on two legs are freaking hilarious.
    June’s Zoo and Sideshow.
    I hope you still have the zoo sign.

    Like

    1. June says:

      When I moved, I gave it to a guy in my neighborhood who had two kids.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sadie says:

        Lucky kids.

        Like

  18. Shannon Silver says:

    Yes! I quote that Deep Thought many times and people just look at me like a grew a second head. C’mon people. Ragtime people.

    Was the reference to your marriage, fmr., something like “I need more cats.” “You just GOT cats last week!”

    I remember the “I have spoken!” incidence. Can’t remember what was spoken about though.

    I was watching The Orville and someone was offering an alien a cupcake, as you do, and when she pestered him twice after he initially declined he declared “I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY ANSWER.”

    Like

    1. June says:

      I was more referring to sex. “We just HAD sex last week.” And somehow that marriage ended.

      I hate it when people don’t get the references that are constantly in my head. Mr. Zero Knew.

      Marvin said, “I HAVE SPOKEN!” about getting a puppy. https://bookofjune.com/2010/07/05/in-which-marvin-has-spoken-and-i-missed-saturn/

      Ironically, I got rid of the puppy-forbidder, yet the puppy he eventually let me get turned into a dog who won’t let me have a puppy. What a ragtime dog.

      Like

  19. Kim says:

    Please keep talking about cats because I laughed out loud in my cubicle. So much funny here today.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Amy Alison says:

    I’ve had at least a dozen cats over the years, and they never do anything worth writing about. Eat, sleep, go outside. I think it’s you.

    Like

    1. June says:

      It probably is. I bring out the dick in cats. And men.

      Like

  21. Leeuna says:

    This entire post was hilarious. Thank you for brightening my mood today.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Laughed, laughed, laughed at baby’s second photo. I think he’s going to be a beauty when fully grown. Would love to see Mill walking on two feet.

    Like

  23. g2-764518c1352cf3e822d5fb36a5b9afcd says:

    This post was hilarious. Are there pics of Steely Milhous walking and stalking? Too funny!

    Like

    1. June says:

      No. I was sitting blankly without my phone.

      Like

  24. Beth from Tennessee says:

    I love your cat stories. I don’t think you have a sad life, and I realize you’re joking about that. I was single for ten years after being married for ten years, and I loved being single. I’m remarried now, and happily doing that, but when I read about your days and evenings I get nostalgic for my “alone” years. Your zoo looks pretty cool, and that sweet kitten/fruit bat tummy photo made my day.

    Like

    1. June says:

      I have a feeling that if I ever get married again or even in a relationship again, I’ll long for those young boy days.

      Like

  25. ernie shenanigan says:

    Slightly new here, is Iris a cat and is she blind? What am I missing? Who is the hulk. Sorry for coming to the party late.

    I too enjoyed the fruit bat reference. And tganks for sharing that she is only 3 inches which explains the not-neck hold.

    I am tired of computer updates. Working fine so LEAVE ME ALONE! Every time my email updates it takes me forever to adjust. Shouldn’t these tech gurus just focus on making a better iphone or something productive?

    Like

    1. June says:

      Yes, Iris is the cat saying, “Resent” in the photos. She has limited vision. People always ask me HOW limited, but she’s never told me.

      Hulk is my friend from my hometown and he used to comment a lot but now his job is fancy and I don’t think he reads every day. I might have more to do with cat talk than job busy-ness.

      Like

  26. Vic says:

    Excellent post, Juanita.

    Like

  27. L. in CA says:

    Dear june,

    1. Did Millhouse keep one paw on the fence and walk forward or did he keep two paws on the fence and scoot his feet sideways?

    2. Is kitten going to join the family (I hope so!!!).

    Happy Wednesday everyone!

    Like

    1. June says:

      He had both on the fence, then walked like a little butter-colored man.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. L. in CA says:

        I bet he could learn to walk on stilts or ride a unicycle.

        One of my cats (four of ’em) will stand on two legs with paws against the window pane, while sidestepping to the left or right…chattering at birds. He also sits on the edge of litter boxes like a gargoyle while doing his business.

        Like

        1. June says:

          Like a gargoyle!

          Like

          1. L. in CA says:

            He doesn’t want to touch the litter with his bodyparts. I have to buy litter boxes with flared edges so he can perch without slipping off. When the job is completed, he digs to the center of the earth furiously and rakes all the yuk under the litter.

            Like

      2. Mads says:

        *then walked like a little butter-colored man* Even in the forking comments, You are killing me today!

        Like

      3. Another Unruly-Haired Person says:

        A little butter-colored man!

        Like

  28. Nithya says:

    Remember mentioning playing with Milhous would help teach Bean to cat? You don’t want two cats parading around on their back legs. It’s unsettling.

    Like

    1. June says:

      GOOD POINT.

      Like

  29. Anonymous says:

    That kitten is cute

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Jan says:

    That baby is completely, 100 % over you in that first photo.

    All my instincts they return… how fitting that Iris’s song is about eyes.

    Like

    1. June says:

      He really is. Also, I thought about Milhous’s eyes in his brick suit all day yesterday.

      Like

  31. Dawn Custer says:

    That was a hilarious post, June! The little brother is cracking me up! Thanks for the giggle before I head off to work, where my main job is to piss people off.

    Like

  32. Sadie says:

    Kittens don’t count as cats do they? Speak of kittens even if they are 12-months old or 48-months old.

    Like

  33. gendaisy says:

    Fruit bat is a pretty apt description of that tiny little baby right now. What did he think of his outside adventure?

    Like

    1. June says:

      He seemed to enjoy the breeze on his fur, but he enjoyed his bottle more. He grabs it with his tiny bear paws.

      Like

  34. Ashley C. says:

    “Fruit bat phase” is the MOST accurate description for that button of a kitten. Also, please don’t ever stop talking about your cats!!

    Like

  35. dbinmd says:

    Look at that baby kitty belly!!! Is there anything cuter than kitten and puppy bellies?

    Like

    1. June says:

      Me. But other than that…

      >

      Liked by 1 person

  36. Shelley B says:

    Fruit bat. YES.

    I bet Milhous stands on two legs and watches you sleep. Kind of goes along with his stalkerish ways, don’t you think?

    Liked by 1 person

  37. cherylk says:

    Hulk is probably the only one who hopes it’s true.

    Like

  38. Kate Barnett says:

    Never sick of cat stories! LOL’ing at “Prince of Darkness” and “big dick energy.”

    Like

  39. teesmithii says:

    Maybe Eyeis has eyes in the back of her head and she walked away just to frustrate the Milhous. Or have you official changed it to Milhouse?
    Tee

    Like

  40. terricsite says:

    Note: April 17, 2019 June will never speak of cats again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. teesmithii says:

      Yeah, right. I’m not holding my breath.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Carolina says:

        Snort laughed. Rag time gal.

        Like

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