Midnight. Not a sound on the pavement.

Does it drive you berserk that there’s always something on your phone/computer that needs updating? “Would you like to update now?” No, I’d like you to go fuck yourself, you dramatic motherfucker. You do NOT need updating. You just got updated last week. Now this is starting to sound like my marriage, fmr.

Anyway, I once again wish I had anything but work and cats to tell you about, as I am supposed to be over here entertaining you, but my entire Michigan J Frog self is consumed with mixing formula and cleaning cat litter.

Hello, my baby, hello, my darlin’, hello, my ragtime gaaaal.

No one ever calls anyone their ragtime gal anymore. And no, I’m not holding him by his neck. He’s three inches long. I’m holding him around his shoulders, but his, you know, neck is right next to that. Big, he’s not.

to put demon bat of niteniss DOWN

He really is going to be a long-haired cat. I think he’ll be quite beautiful once he’s over this fruit bat phase.

I just have ONE MORE cat story and then we’ll never speak of cats again.

Last night, after I bottle-fed the Prince of Darkness and burped him and made sure he went in his box–which he 100% has every time. After all that, I warmed up his heat disk and set it in his little bed of towels like he’s cat Jesus in the manger, where in fact there were no towels. Anyway, I put him in his manger of towels, then I sort of blankly went in my back yard to sit blankly in the sun. It had been an intense day at work, too, so at the end? Blank.

So there I was, Blank Devereaux, sitting blankly, when I noticed poor Iris walking the perimeter of the yard. Since we got the new fence, I’ve observed her walking right up against it, like it’s nice to know where she is or something. She’s the princess of darkness.

resent

Anyway, as per usual, Milhous was totally stalking her. He was Alex in Fatal Attraction. If he’d had a boombox to hold up under Iris’s window, he’d have been in her eyes. So to speak. In your non-eyes. The light the heat.

RESENT

My point is, Iris slid along the fence line until she reached the front of the yard, and then she sort of…stared out through the pickets at the front. Who knows what was out there, or if she even really saw anything, but that’s what she was doing. She was having Deep Thoughts. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. That’s my all-time favorite Deep Thought.

Anyway, behind her with his mind on his evil and his evil on his mind was Milhous, who even when I THINK his actual name I keep instead thinking Steely Dan. They just have the same big dick energy. Anyway, Milhous was creeping along the fence line as well, and when he got near her, he

STOOD ON HIS BACK LEGS, like Animal Farm, and used the fence to steady himself, and it was creepy and hilarious at the same time. He literally walked, holding the fence, till he got right up behind her to do god knows what. Put a whoopie cushion behind her? Blow an air horn? Present her with one of those giant checks?

I’m proud to say my little eyeless Iris walked away as she felt his terrible nearness, so we never got an end to that story and I really think the middle is more important anyway because he WALKED ON TWO LEGS.

Okay, that’s it. I’ll never speak of cats again.

I have to go. I have to get ready for the work, and today is trash day so I almost can’t contain the excitement. That isn’t even true. TOMORROW is trash day, but today is roll-the-trash-down day, which if you ask me counts. It’s almost like trash weekend, right, because then tomorrow it’s roll-the-can-back-up day, so it’s a sort of two-day extravaganza.

This is what happens when I have no sex, y’all. I somehow blame all of you. I’ve no idea why other than you’re here and it’s convenient.

Cats (see what I did, there?)
June

63 thoughts on “Midnight. Not a sound on the pavement.

  1. No one is here now. It’s just me and my lonely thoughts. I think it is totally our fault you aren’t having sex. Too bad you can’t post potential suitors and we could all vote on them – like Stitch fix. Snatch fix. Pricks fix. Itch fix.

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  2. I wish WordPress would get their cookies back so I didn’t have to remember to type my name in every single time…geez.

    Anyway…I love your cat stories, and I love a good Rag time gal.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. Fruit bat phase!

    I very much wish there was evidence of the walking on two legs by house of mill.

    I’m trying to rehome my cat and I feel like such a jerk. But she is petrified of my dog, and the dog was here first, and I really never should have adopted her in the first place and all she does is hide. One of my friends is willing to do a trial weekend. Cross your fingers.

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  4. As the owner of two black cats, I love the little bitty fruit bat boy. Excellent photos! Your cats are more exciting than all of my cats put together. Speaking of cats (Duly noted, April 17, 2019) I am in charge of the feral’s here at work now. Cats, I mean. There are two at least and I’m a bit nervous, something more for me to worry about . Why can’t I be like the rest of the population and say Hoo Care?

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  5. “I somehow blame all of you. I’ve no idea why other than you’re here and it’s convenient.”
    So funny!!! I love reading anything you write..

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  6. I always get your references, unless it’s some movie I’m not familiar with.

    At 12:30 last night, I stepped onto our back patio and inhaled the scent of the damp desert (we had an unusually cold spinkly evening). The nostalgia hit me immediately, having grown up deep in the southwest desert. It always amazes me how scents can do that. And really, more than any other sense.

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  7. The ‘in your eyes” reference – ded. Your train of though references slay me.

    We have one cat that wants not one thing to do with our big dogs but anger them. He can make those 90 pound girls cower. One day they decided they could intimidate him if they kept a united front, I think. That ass cat ran at them on his back legs, his front legs waving in the air like one of those old movies with a lot of martial arts where the sounds didn’t match up to the mouth movements of the actors. The dogs backed that truck up in a hurry. I picture Mr. Mill there trying to be more casual about it, like “oh hey, Iris, fancy seeing you here!”

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    • Sweet Betsy Ross yes! Also am here for the niteniss (much cuter than tinnitus, but tx autocorrect!), cat Jesus in the manger, Blank Devereaux, all Say Anything refs and other assorted bits o’ word joy. Please keep cat posts coming.

      (Also anything Edsel.)

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  8. OFFS with the updates. In the top ten of things that irk me.
    There’s no such thing as too many cat posts. Bat baby and Millhous walking on two legs are freaking hilarious.
    June’s Zoo and Sideshow.
    I hope you still have the zoo sign.

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  9. Yes! I quote that Deep Thought many times and people just look at me like a grew a second head. C’mon people. Ragtime people.

    Was the reference to your marriage, fmr., something like “I need more cats.” “You just GOT cats last week!”

    I remember the “I have spoken!” incidence. Can’t remember what was spoken about though.

    I was watching The Orville and someone was offering an alien a cupcake, as you do, and when she pestered him twice after he initially declined he declared “I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY ANSWER.”

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  10. I’ve had at least a dozen cats over the years, and they never do anything worth writing about. Eat, sleep, go outside. I think it’s you.

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  11. Laughed, laughed, laughed at baby’s second photo. I think he’s going to be a beauty when fully grown. Would love to see Mill walking on two feet.

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  12. This post was hilarious. Are there pics of Steely Milhous walking and stalking? Too funny!

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  13. I love your cat stories. I don’t think you have a sad life, and I realize you’re joking about that. I was single for ten years after being married for ten years, and I loved being single. I’m remarried now, and happily doing that, but when I read about your days and evenings I get nostalgic for my “alone” years. Your zoo looks pretty cool, and that sweet kitten/fruit bat tummy photo made my day.

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  14. Slightly new here, is Iris a cat and is she blind? What am I missing? Who is the hulk. Sorry for coming to the party late.

    I too enjoyed the fruit bat reference. And tganks for sharing that she is only 3 inches which explains the not-neck hold.

    I am tired of computer updates. Working fine so LEAVE ME ALONE! Every time my email updates it takes me forever to adjust. Shouldn’t these tech gurus just focus on making a better iphone or something productive?

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    • Yes, Iris is the cat saying, “Resent” in the photos. She has limited vision. People always ask me HOW limited, but she’s never told me.

      Hulk is my friend from my hometown and he used to comment a lot but now his job is fancy and I don’t think he reads every day. I might have more to do with cat talk than job busy-ness.

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  15. Dear june,

    1. Did Millhouse keep one paw on the fence and walk forward or did he keep two paws on the fence and scoot his feet sideways?

    2. Is kitten going to join the family (I hope so!!!).

    Happy Wednesday everyone!

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      • I bet he could learn to walk on stilts or ride a unicycle.

        One of my cats (four of ’em) will stand on two legs with paws against the window pane, while sidestepping to the left or right…chattering at birds. He also sits on the edge of litter boxes like a gargoyle while doing his business.

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          • He doesn’t want to touch the litter with his bodyparts. I have to buy litter boxes with flared edges so he can perch without slipping off. When the job is completed, he digs to the center of the earth furiously and rakes all the yuk under the litter.

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  16. Remember mentioning playing with Milhous would help teach Bean to cat? You don’t want two cats parading around on their back legs. It’s unsettling.

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  17. That baby is completely, 100 % over you in that first photo.

    All my instincts they return… how fitting that Iris’s song is about eyes.

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  18. That was a hilarious post, June! The little brother is cracking me up! Thanks for the giggle before I head off to work, where my main job is to piss people off.

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  19. Fruit bat is a pretty apt description of that tiny little baby right now. What did he think of his outside adventure?

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  20. “Fruit bat phase” is the MOST accurate description for that button of a kitten. Also, please don’t ever stop talking about your cats!!

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  21. Maybe Eyeis has eyes in the back of her head and she walked away just to frustrate the Milhous. Or have you official changed it to Milhouse?
    Tee

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