If you’ll recall from your Big Book of June events, I said yesterday that I would not refer to those smallish mammals anymore. You know the ones. The ones with nine lives and Fancy Feast. And heaven knows I’m a woman of my word. Heaven knows I have lots else going on. My life is RICH with other things.

For example, yesterday at work I noted they did this to some trees, and I was all, why. Apparently you have to do that to make them grow back or something. Why must there be a circle of life?

Also, on our walk yesterday, I noticed this:

It’s a nest nest nest! With nesty baby birds, maybe! I didn’t see any, but I was further away than this looks. This kind of makes me hungry for those butterscotch nests, do you know the ones I mean? What the hell are those made of, other than beige deliciousness?

4/20. heh.

And speaking of spring, I had to go to the drug store after work yesterday, because I am 100% out of my root spray, and did I mention to you that I’m attempting to grow my hair out to its natural color, which so far appears to be white? It’s sort of horrifying and fascinating at the same time. Anyway, meanwhile, I’m covering the roots with spray so I don’t look clinically depressed at work. And naturally I gravitated over to the Easter candy while I was at Mr. Gower’s drug store, and saw they now sell plush Peeps and plush pink bunnies along with the candy. In my day, the candy was enough.

Also, here is a bunny with weapons. He doesn’t carrot all if you live or die. He’ll root you out.

Good lord, why.

Are they trying to be secular, with the “spring buddies,” in case someone is pagan but wants to eat a marshmallow animal like everyone else? Are those two rabbits or is one a gopher or something? I’m partial to the Andy Warhol chick. That lamb is what Ima look like if I really grow my hair out.

Anyway, I got my root spray, because my life is full and balanced, and then I went home to feed the [redacted].

[redacted]

I tried showing him videos for you-know-whats last night. Have you ever gone on YouTube and looked at videos for [redacted]s? They’ve got birds and squirrels playing. I’ve entertained plenty of…short attitude mammals with it. The [baby redacted] was too young to notice it, but man, was Lily entertained. I guess I’ve never shown one to her before; I’ve used it more to entertain walnut-headed baby [redacted]s. But she got all big-eyed and patted at the screen just like a real [redacted] and not a lump of fluff, as she normally is.

fuk yew, brakkit bitch

When the other NOT FELINES went out this morning to pee with Edsel, I even saw her hesitate on the threshold of the door and consider joining them, which she never does. However, she kept her pristine paws fluffy white and stayed indoors as per usual. Lily is my people. My entire childhood was me saying, “No, I’ll just stay in with the grownups.”

lilee just stay in wif old wite-hair bitz

Other things happened last night, but I am not at liberty to discuss them, as they are [redacted].

Tonight I’m actually leaving the house to go to the movies with The Poet. If the last seven nights have taught me anything, it’s that the [don’t say it] sleeps for a couple hours after each meal,

Ohhh, can’t you see, bottle be the drug for meee

so I can put him in his little nest with his warming disk that is a mom substitute, which is the saddest thing in the world, and head to the movies and he won’t notice I’m gone. Then I’ll return nervously, as every time I return to this room I convince myself he’ll be dead even though he’s doing great.

Wait. What am I talking about? I can’t talk about [redacted]s. So I will not.

Sanely,
June

100 thoughts on “[redacted]

  1. Pal from MA says:

    I am so darn proud to be the one with you when Iris and Lily were coming into your life! (Let’s make this about meeee!!) When we went to that shelter and I saw that beautiful Lily? I knew she was yours. I am so happy she and Iris are doing so well! I miss all of you. Xoxo

    Like

  2. Georgia says:

    My stepmom would put that [redacted] in her cleavage and go to the movie. Or the grocery store or whatever. She’s carried lots of baby animals around in her cleavage. She was baby wearing before it was a cool thing to do!

    Like

    1. rschwartz1562@gmail.com says:

      Watch out, folks! I can see June walking around this weekend with a tiny black [redacted] in her cleavage. Be sure to take pictures for us, June.

      Like

      1. Beth from the woods says:

        Ditto.

        Like

  3. Linda in CO says:

    Speaking of Peeps, I just read that they are coming out with new flavors this year. I may have to break down and try some, if they are still there the day after Easter on the clearance rack.
    Lovely post, Joon. Lovely [redacted]s too.

    Like

  4. Gigi Rambles says:

    Those poor chopped tress are victims of crepe murder! I hate when people do that and then say that’s how it’s supposed to be done. No, it’s not – one look on Google and they would realize they’ve been wrong all this time, not that they’d ever admit it.

    Cute little [redacted]! Has he not figured out that if he tried hard enough he could probably slip under the door?

    Like

    1. Lori in Texas says:

      You are SO absolutely correct! Pet peeve!
      Texas garden gurus say to NEVER do this. You’re only supposed to trim the dead seed thingies and shape the Bush or tree as needed.
      I have a beautiful lavender Crepe that’s over 12 feet tall and blooms so full and beautiful every summer.
      *blink*blink* Did I just go on a Crepe Myrtle rant? Please to excuse.

      Like

  5. Megsie says:

    [Redacted]! I love them!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  6. Ernie says:

    Oh, and I forgot to mention – I thoroughly enjoyed the armed Eater bunny who doesn’t carrot, or whatever. Awesome!

    Like

  7. Ernie says:

    Hilarious! I wish my mornings weren’t so busy – I feel like I arrive late to the party. I feel bad for those stick trees.

    I just stocked up on my Easter candy last night and it took me forever to find empty plastic eggs because they had a bunch of pre-stuffed plastic eggs. Boo! I want to pick the candy that goes in there.

    When I was about 7 I ate all of my Easter candy in one day. My mean, bossy-ass sister told on me and I got in big trouble. That pretty much sums up my childhood. My siblings are still better-than-everyone and I still don’t follow the rules.

    Like

  8. Vic says:

    I know it’s not officially an advice day, but would someone please give me a basic, foolproof method of making coffee? Yes. I have looked it up, but I’ve found everything from one tablespoon per cup to two.
    Many thanks in advance for any input.

    Like

    1. teesmithii says:

      Buy those little pods and select the roast you like light/medium/dark. Add lots of cream and sugar, the only way coffee us drinkable.
      Tee

      Like

      1. teesmithii says:

        Is, not us.

        Like

    2. lisapie76 says:

      I do one Tbsp per cup in a big coffee maker and it always turns out right.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Vic says:

        Many thanks, lady.

        Like

    3. Tracey says:

      Yes, one tablespoon per cup of water. I just learned something new and it makes a big difference. Your coffeemaker may not be getting the water hot enough, especially at the beginning of the drip process. Microwave a cup of water and pour over the grounds, then hit start. It really improves the flavor.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Vic says:

        I will try this.
        Thank you.

        Like

  9. lisapie76 says:

    Beautiful Lily! She is the Grace Kelly of cats.

    Lovely post, old coot.

    Like

  10. Enjoyed seeing pictures of your sweet [redacted] companions and their shenanigans. I somehow managed not to buy myself any Easter candy when we went to Target to buy the particular chocolate bunny preferred by our 179-month-old.

    Like

    1. June says:

      I wish they made DARK chocolate bunnies.

      Like

      1. teesmithii says:

        Forget the bunnies, go to Aldi and buy the creamy dark chocolate. Yum. Not advise, just smart shopping.

        Like

      2. Florence says:

        Yes, so much healthier! It only took 4 or 5 decades to start to like it, too.

        Like

  11. Darla says:

    Omg I love that little [redacted].

    Like

  12. Tammy says:

    June, you may not always feel validated by your writing here, but I wanted to tell you that you absolutely have value to your readers. My dog died on Tuesday, and reading this morning’s post made me smile slightly for the first time in two days, so thank you for that. Some of my favorites today: “Also, here is a bunny with weapons. He doesn’t carrot all if you live or die. He’ll root you out.” and “lilee just stay in wif old wite-hair bitz” – your mind works in mysterious and fantastic ways.

    Like

    1. Sadie says:

      Tammy, I’m so sorry for your loss.

      Like

    2. June says:

      Oh, I’m so sorry about your dog.

      Like

    3. teesmithii says:

      So sorry about your pup.

      Like

    4. 1madgirl says:

      My heart hurts for you. I’m sorry.

      Like

    5. Jeanie Herkomer says:

      I’m very sorry, Tammy. I’ve been there a lot and know how it hurts.

      Like

  13. Helen says:

    I’m not really a marshmallow lover but boy did I ever love the chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs at Easter. The year I received a carton with a dozen of them in my Easter basket was the year I knew my life was complete.

    Cute redactions! (You’re one clever writer June.)

    Like

  14. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    Lovely post Old Lover. I love all of it- peeps, jellybeans, rabbits, oh my!

    Like

  15. Lovely post, lovely June. Cute [redacted] also.

    Like

  16. itsmistybitch says:

    I love that little round butt in front of the door!

    Like

    1. June says:

      Thanks! …oh.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Mads says:

    Footsies under the door…. Bless you for those photos. So darn cute!

    Like

    1. Beth from the woods says:

      I thought the one who will not be named’s tiny furry little posterior was the one you were talking about not your work friend’s.

      Like

  18. Dancer says:

    So weird. I played bird YouTube videos last night for Moo. We haven’t done that in about a year. She enjoys and I relax.

    Batten is too cute.

    Like

  19. D apostrophe Lynn says:

    I was sure I’d find a comment about the rear shot of [Austin] but alas, crepe murder and kittens are where it’s at today 🙂 That doesn’t make me feel at all like a dirty old [redacted].

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Beth from the woods says:

      My heart hurts for you too. Hugs!

      Like

  20. Anonymous says:

    Rita Hazan root spray is magic. Buys me 2 extra weeks. No gray for me.

    Like

  21. Anonymous says:

    This redacted post is so timely!!

    Like

  22. boomersmommasmomma says:

    I can’t be the only one that read nest with babies and immediately zoomed in, searched the picture and still wondered how the hell I couldn’t see the babies.
    I’ve never had these hay nest ya’ll are talking about. One year our parents decided that we eat to much candy so for Easter we all got fruit in our baskets. There were none pissed off kids that year, we still talk about our worst Easter.
    This year I’ve decided that I’m not giving candy to the grandkids, they leave it here, I eat it, they come back and look for their candy, it’s gone and the tears start. This year they are getting gifts.

    Like

    1. boomersmommasmomma says:

      Nine not none

      Like

  23. Ruth says:

    As a person in the horticultural industry those pruned trees made me twitch. We call it scrape murder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ruth says:

      Crape, not scrape. Good grief.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Roxie's Mom says:

        I think both apply here. Crape scrape. Or as we non- horticulturists would say, simply crap.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Kim says:

    Still loving the redacted posts.

    Like

  25. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    I see my favorite header is back. So pretty! Loved the [redacted] post, June. Lilly is so pretty, and baby is a cute little lump.

    Like

    1. Jeanie Herkomer says:

      OK then, Lily.

      Like

  26. duffylou says:

    Very clever post, June!

    Like

  27. 1madgirl says:

    Thanks for the Lilee pictures. She’s been my favorite since her unfortunate incident. I want to cuddle her and protect her.
    I get the medical reasoning for keeping the cats separate but I wouldn’t be able to do it. Teeny tiny {redacted} needs other {redacted} warmth and smells. I’m not disciplined like some responsible people.

    Like

    1. June says:

      I believe that every time she gets near the door to outside, Lily gets an me-was-gone-for-52-terrabul-dayz flashback.

      Like

      1. Tee says:

        How long was Iris missing?

        Like

        1. June says:

          I can’t remember exact dates, but the Saturday before Christmas till near New Year’s Day.

          Like

          1. teesmithii says:

            Way too long!

            Like

  28. cherylk says:

    Jelly beans are the best. They have so many new kinds now that I will be living on them for weeks. I’m looking at you, Starburst All Reds!

    Like

  29. Sadie says:

    Love the retro header.

    Like

  30. The Poet says:

    Best Easter candy: Russell Stover coconut nests. After I have accidentally knocked the jelly beans off.

    Best Easter candy memory: gift to sisters and self, when we were small, of a large chocolate egg with coconut nest on top and a round opening at one end through which one gazed at a scene with candy green grass and two porcelain bunnies. None other could be as magical.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. June says:

      I LOVED THOSE. Mine was all sugar–you ate your way into the scene.

      Like

      1. Just Paula H&B says:

        They were edible? GodDAMNit.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Florence says:

            Poet, you can have all my coconut nests if I can have your Russell Stover maple or raspberry cream eggs.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. The Poet says:

            No no no: CHOCOLATE. Also it was not dripping with ribbons.

            Like

            1. Florence says:

              Bob and Ray had a routine about selling Chocolate Wobblies–Easter bunnies that had been stored too close to the furnace. Inside some was a prize–a purple ribbon!

              Like

      2. yetanotherkelly says:

        Oh my God, those sugar Easter eggs with some kind of vignette in the hollowed-out center. I always thought those were the most beautiful things when I was a kid and it never once occurred to me to actually EAT them. They were Art, not food.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. June says:

          If you ask me, nothing is ever too beautiful to eat. #WhySoChubby.

          Like

    2. Helen says:

      Oh my goodness that is a blast from my past for sure. I had completely forgotten about those eggs!

      Like

  31. Barbara says:

    Lilee not lump! Lilee perfect (redacted).

    Like

  32. Tee says:

    Hilarious post! Just the first paragraph and I’m, FLOMP. I’m so glad I didn’t hold my breathe. How much time have I spent redacting documents? A LOT!

    Me and my brother love those Haystacks. He requested those last Christmas and I couldn’t find my Mom’s recipe. I had to go to the internet for a recipe. I should have asked this group. I’m like Paula, I don’t really like the Easter candy. I hate those traditional Easter eggs with the colored shell and the white stuff inside. I wouldn’t event eat those as a kid. Those peeps are disgusting because they are marshmallow. I would have been very happy with Krispy Kream donuts in my Easter basket, which never happened, only those colored eggs and colored boiled eggs in the basket. But my grandmother would give us a hollow chocolate rabbit, I did like those, so I didn’t hate all the Easter candy.

    I actually think the yellow [redacted] is teaching the baby [redacted] how to [redacted] under the door. I wouldn’t be surprised if that baby you know what learns to slide right under that door.

    Like

  33. Joan in NV says:

    Am dead from [redacted] paws under the door and itty bitty Walnut Head’s bitty butt and bear cub hind legs.

    Like

    1. June says:

      He totally has bear cub feets.

      Like

  34. Just Paula H&B says:

    My mother made those nests. She also added peanuts. My father called them Squirrel Turds.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 1madgirl says:

      That’s why God made fathers.

      Like

  35. Vic says:

    My grandmother also added peanuts to the butterscotch chips.
    Lovely post, Juniper.

    Like

    1. Tee says:

      My mom made them too with salted peanuts, butterscotch drops and Chinese noodles.

      Like

      1. June says:

        WHY HAS NO ONE EVER PRESENTED ME THE PEANUTS? I’ve always eaten them peanut-free. I’ve been robbed.

        Like

        1. Tee says:

          You have been totally robbed!

          Like

  36. gendaisy says:

    The vampire bat baby looks like he could just squeeze right under that door if he wanted to. So bitty!!

    Like

  37. Ashley C. says:

    I fostered one, ONE little set of bottle babies and it was THE MOST STRESSFUL thing I have ever done. I’ve decided I prefer them when they’re a little bigger and walnut headed because it’s not as nerve wracking. You’re a sweet foster mom, June!

    Like

    1. June says:

      It really is stressful. When I get up in the morning, I’m all, pee first? Get the bottle ready first? Let Edsel out first? Feed the adult [redacted]s first? Sometimes I just spin in a circle outside my bedroom door. I used to have sex in the morning. It was all, sex first? Answer: yes.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. 1madgirl says:

        Sigh. Those were the days. Not that you and I…no, I didn’t mean it that way.

        Like

      2. Ashley C. says:

        Haha! I married a man with 4 non-baby children (I know, why would I do that?!) and every day I’m thankful that they are potty trained and able to feed themselves. Still doesn’t help with the sex part though!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Helen says:

          With that many children pretty much the only thing that will help with the sex part is a vacation. Just the two of you.

          Like

  38. Love, Jimmie says:

    That beige deliciousness is pretty simple. Chow mien noodles which you can usually find on the bottom shelf of the Asian food section, and some butterscotch chip (found in the baking aisle) melted and poured over the chow mien noodles. Then you pile them up in the haystack on waxed paper and let them cool. Then you eat them all. I know this because I have extra hips which came in part from those haystacks.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Hunh. I knew none of that. Also, I’ve been dieting for two weeks and today I finally got on the scale and I’ve gained three pounds.

      Like

      1. Love, Jimmie says:

        Oh, good. Kindred spirit.

        Like

    2. Tee says:

      Haystacks. That’s what my Mom called them.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Kris in TN says:

      We make our with a mix of chocolate and butterscotch chips and sometimes I add chopped nuts (pecans or walnuts or almonds) to add some extra crunch. So easy to make and so easy to devour quickly. They are totally addicting!

      Like

    4. Francie says:

      My recipe has peanut butter in it too. Yum.

      Like

  39. Just Paula H&B says:

    I didn’t even see the nest because I thought I saw future berries in that shrub! I do love a good berry.

    Fun fact (sorry, Beverly): I hate most Easter candy, specifically peeps. I’m trying to think of one Easter candy that I like (Cadbury eggs? No. Jelly beans? No. Chocolate bunnies? No.) and am only coming up with Peppermint Patties in Easter wrappers. Does that count?

    Our tax person has long black hair except for about a three-inch swath where it is bright white. Last year when she did our taxes for the first time, I assumed she was too busy during tax season to dye her hair. This year the swath was bigger and I realized she was just letting it happen. My son went to her after we did and texted: “I’m having my taxes done by Pepe LePew.” I replied, “Actually, no. You are having your taxes done by his great love, Penelope Pussycat.” His reply was just two words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. June says:

      Pepe LePew’s sexually harrassed MeToo [redacted]was named Penelope Pussy[redacted]? How the hell do you KNOW that?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Just Paula H&B says:

        It’s sad, isn’t it? Think of the amazing things I could do if my brain wasn’t cluttered up with this crap.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Sadie says:

      The nest appears to be in a dogwood tree based on the shape of the flowers. Not sure how edible the berries are unless you’re a [not redacted] bird.

      Like

      1. Mads says:

        I think it may be a Kousa dogwood & Kousa fruit are edible by peeps. Just guessing from the shape of the flower bracts. When I was a kid I was sent out by the adults to gather native dogwood fruit to (supposedly) send to Japan… thus my extensive dogwood fruit knowledge. Also the early evidence of my trusting nature.

        Like

  40. Beth from the woods says:

    You got us a sneak peak at an official report. Dang girl you have the connections.

    Like

  41. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious, June.

    Like

  42. Faithful Reader Tammy says:

    Naturally I stampeded here this morning to see how the [redacted] were doing. Glad to see all is as it should be. Lily is such a beautiful you-know-what. Lovely post!

    Like

  43. Lindy says:

    I love the use of [redacted]. I felt like I was reading an official CIA report. 🤣

    Like

    1. Pam Who Stampeded Here on Her First Day Back From Vacation says:

      and on Mueller Day, too! The irony. (or not, knowing Joob.)

      Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: