[redacted]

If you’ll recall from your Big Book of June events, I said yesterday that I would not refer to those smallish mammals anymore. You know the ones. The ones with nine lives and Fancy Feast. And heaven knows I’m a woman of my word. Heaven knows I have lots else going on. My life is RICH with other things.

For example, yesterday at work I noted they did this to some trees, and I was all, why. Apparently you have to do that to make them grow back or something. Why must there be a circle of life?

Also, on our walk yesterday, I noticed this:

It’s a nest nest nest! With nesty baby birds, maybe! I didn’t see any, but I was further away than this looks. This kind of makes me hungry for those butterscotch nests, do you know the ones I mean? What the hell are those made of, other than beige deliciousness?

4/20. heh.

And speaking of spring, I had to go to the drug store after work yesterday, because I am 100% out of my root spray, and did I mention to you that I’m attempting to grow my hair out to its natural color, which so far appears to be white? It’s sort of horrifying and fascinating at the same time. Anyway, meanwhile, I’m covering the roots with spray so I don’t look clinically depressed at work. And naturally I gravitated over to the Easter candy while I was at Mr. Gower’s drug store, and saw they now sell plush Peeps and plush pink bunnies along with the candy. In my day, the candy was enough.

Also, here is a bunny with weapons. He doesn’t carrot all if you live or die. He’ll root you out.

Good lord, why.

Are they trying to be secular, with the “spring buddies,” in case someone is pagan but wants to eat a marshmallow animal like everyone else? Are those two rabbits or is one a gopher or something? I’m partial to the Andy Warhol chick. That lamb is what Ima look like if I really grow my hair out.

Anyway, I got my root spray, because my life is full and balanced, and then I went home to feed the [redacted].

[redacted]

I tried showing him videos for you-know-whats last night. Have you ever gone on YouTube and looked at videos for [redacted]s? They’ve got birds and squirrels playing. I’ve entertained plenty of…short attitude mammals with it. The [baby redacted] was too young to notice it, but man, was Lily entertained. I guess I’ve never shown one to her before; I’ve used it more to entertain walnut-headed baby [redacted]s. But she got all big-eyed and patted at the screen just like a real [redacted] and not a lump of fluff, as she normally is.

fuk yew, brakkit bitch

When the other NOT FELINES went out this morning to pee with Edsel, I even saw her hesitate on the threshold of the door and consider joining them, which she never does. However, she kept her pristine paws fluffy white and stayed indoors as per usual. Lily is my people. My entire childhood was me saying, “No, I’ll just stay in with the grownups.”

lilee just stay in wif old wite-hair bitz

Other things happened last night, but I am not at liberty to discuss them, as they are [redacted].

Tonight I’m actually leaving the house to go to the movies with The Poet. If the last seven nights have taught me anything, it’s that the [don’t say it] sleeps for a couple hours after each meal,

Ohhh, can’t you see, bottle be the drug for meee

so I can put him in his little nest with his warming disk that is a mom substitute, which is the saddest thing in the world, and head to the movies and he won’t notice I’m gone. Then I’ll return nervously, as every time I return to this room I convince myself he’ll be dead even though he’s doing great.

Wait. What am I talking about? I can’t talk about [redacted]s. So I will not.

Sanely,
June

100 thoughts on “[redacted]

  1. I am so darn proud to be the one with you when Iris and Lily were coming into your life! (Let’s make this about meeee!!) When we went to that shelter and I saw that beautiful Lily? I knew she was yours. I am so happy she and Iris are doing so well! I miss all of you. Xoxo

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  2. My stepmom would put that [redacted] in her cleavage and go to the movie. Or the grocery store or whatever. She’s carried lots of baby animals around in her cleavage. She was baby wearing before it was a cool thing to do!

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  3. Speaking of Peeps, I just read that they are coming out with new flavors this year. I may have to break down and try some, if they are still there the day after Easter on the clearance rack.
    Lovely post, Joon. Lovely [redacted]s too.

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  4. Those poor chopped tress are victims of crepe murder! I hate when people do that and then say that’s how it’s supposed to be done. No, it’s not – one look on Google and they would realize they’ve been wrong all this time, not that they’d ever admit it.

    Cute little [redacted]! Has he not figured out that if he tried hard enough he could probably slip under the door?

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    • You are SO absolutely correct! Pet peeve!
      Texas garden gurus say to NEVER do this. You’re only supposed to trim the dead seed thingies and shape the Bush or tree as needed.
      I have a beautiful lavender Crepe that’s over 12 feet tall and blooms so full and beautiful every summer.
      *blink*blink* Did I just go on a Crepe Myrtle rant? Please to excuse.

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  5. Oh, and I forgot to mention – I thoroughly enjoyed the armed Eater bunny who doesn’t carrot, or whatever. Awesome!

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  6. Hilarious! I wish my mornings weren’t so busy – I feel like I arrive late to the party. I feel bad for those stick trees.

    I just stocked up on my Easter candy last night and it took me forever to find empty plastic eggs because they had a bunch of pre-stuffed plastic eggs. Boo! I want to pick the candy that goes in there.

    When I was about 7 I ate all of my Easter candy in one day. My mean, bossy-ass sister told on me and I got in big trouble. That pretty much sums up my childhood. My siblings are still better-than-everyone and I still don’t follow the rules.

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  7. I know it’s not officially an advice day, but would someone please give me a basic, foolproof method of making coffee? Yes. I have looked it up, but I’ve found everything from one tablespoon per cup to two.
    Many thanks in advance for any input.

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  8. Enjoyed seeing pictures of your sweet [redacted] companions and their shenanigans. I somehow managed not to buy myself any Easter candy when we went to Target to buy the particular chocolate bunny preferred by our 179-month-old.

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  9. June, you may not always feel validated by your writing here, but I wanted to tell you that you absolutely have value to your readers. My dog died on Tuesday, and reading this morning’s post made me smile slightly for the first time in two days, so thank you for that. Some of my favorites today: “Also, here is a bunny with weapons. He doesn’t carrot all if you live or die. He’ll root you out.” and “lilee just stay in wif old wite-hair bitz” – your mind works in mysterious and fantastic ways.

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  10. I’m not really a marshmallow lover but boy did I ever love the chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs at Easter. The year I received a carton with a dozen of them in my Easter basket was the year I knew my life was complete.

    Cute redactions! (You’re one clever writer June.)

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    • I thought the one who will not be named’s tiny furry little posterior was the one you were talking about not your work friend’s.

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  11. So weird. I played bird YouTube videos last night for Moo. We haven’t done that in about a year. She enjoys and I relax.

    Batten is too cute.

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  12. I was sure I’d find a comment about the rear shot of [Austin] but alas, crepe murder and kittens are where it’s at today 🙂 That doesn’t make me feel at all like a dirty old [redacted].

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  13. I can’t be the only one that read nest with babies and immediately zoomed in, searched the picture and still wondered how the hell I couldn’t see the babies.
    I’ve never had these hay nest ya’ll are talking about. One year our parents decided that we eat to much candy so for Easter we all got fruit in our baskets. There were none pissed off kids that year, we still talk about our worst Easter.
    This year I’ve decided that I’m not giving candy to the grandkids, they leave it here, I eat it, they come back and look for their candy, it’s gone and the tears start. This year they are getting gifts.

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  14. I see my favorite header is back. So pretty! Loved the [redacted] post, June. Lilly is so pretty, and baby is a cute little lump.

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  15. Thanks for the Lilee pictures. She’s been my favorite since her unfortunate incident. I want to cuddle her and protect her.
    I get the medical reasoning for keeping the cats separate but I wouldn’t be able to do it. Teeny tiny {redacted} needs other {redacted} warmth and smells. I’m not disciplined like some responsible people.

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  16. Jelly beans are the best. They have so many new kinds now that I will be living on them for weeks. I’m looking at you, Starburst All Reds!

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  17. Best Easter candy: Russell Stover coconut nests. After I have accidentally knocked the jelly beans off.

    Best Easter candy memory: gift to sisters and self, when we were small, of a large chocolate egg with coconut nest on top and a round opening at one end through which one gazed at a scene with candy green grass and two porcelain bunnies. None other could be as magical.

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  18. Hilarious post! Just the first paragraph and I’m, FLOMP. I’m so glad I didn’t hold my breathe. How much time have I spent redacting documents? A LOT!

    Me and my brother love those Haystacks. He requested those last Christmas and I couldn’t find my Mom’s recipe. I had to go to the internet for a recipe. I should have asked this group. I’m like Paula, I don’t really like the Easter candy. I hate those traditional Easter eggs with the colored shell and the white stuff inside. I wouldn’t event eat those as a kid. Those peeps are disgusting because they are marshmallow. I would have been very happy with Krispy Kream donuts in my Easter basket, which never happened, only those colored eggs and colored boiled eggs in the basket. But my grandmother would give us a hollow chocolate rabbit, I did like those, so I didn’t hate all the Easter candy.

    I actually think the yellow [redacted] is teaching the baby [redacted] how to [redacted] under the door. I wouldn’t be surprised if that baby you know what learns to slide right under that door.

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  19. Am dead from [redacted] paws under the door and itty bitty Walnut Head’s bitty butt and bear cub hind legs.

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  20. I fostered one, ONE little set of bottle babies and it was THE MOST STRESSFUL thing I have ever done. I’ve decided I prefer them when they’re a little bigger and walnut headed because it’s not as nerve wracking. You’re a sweet foster mom, June!

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    • It really is stressful. When I get up in the morning, I’m all, pee first? Get the bottle ready first? Let Edsel out first? Feed the adult [redacted]s first? Sometimes I just spin in a circle outside my bedroom door. I used to have sex in the morning. It was all, sex first? Answer: yes.

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      • Haha! I married a man with 4 non-baby children (I know, why would I do that?!) and every day I’m thankful that they are potty trained and able to feed themselves. Still doesn’t help with the sex part though!!

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        • With that many children pretty much the only thing that will help with the sex part is a vacation. Just the two of you.

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  21. That beige deliciousness is pretty simple. Chow mien noodles which you can usually find on the bottom shelf of the Asian food section, and some butterscotch chip (found in the baking aisle) melted and poured over the chow mien noodles. Then you pile them up in the haystack on waxed paper and let them cool. Then you eat them all. I know this because I have extra hips which came in part from those haystacks.

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  22. I didn’t even see the nest because I thought I saw future berries in that shrub! I do love a good berry.

    Fun fact (sorry, Beverly): I hate most Easter candy, specifically peeps. I’m trying to think of one Easter candy that I like (Cadbury eggs? No. Jelly beans? No. Chocolate bunnies? No.) and am only coming up with Peppermint Patties in Easter wrappers. Does that count?

    Our tax person has long black hair except for about a three-inch swath where it is bright white. Last year when she did our taxes for the first time, I assumed she was too busy during tax season to dye her hair. This year the swath was bigger and I realized she was just letting it happen. My son went to her after we did and texted: “I’m having my taxes done by Pepe LePew.” I replied, “Actually, no. You are having your taxes done by his great love, Penelope Pussycat.” His reply was just two words.

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    • The nest appears to be in a dogwood tree based on the shape of the flowers. Not sure how edible the berries are unless you’re a [not redacted] bird.

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      • I think it may be a Kousa dogwood & Kousa fruit are edible by peeps. Just guessing from the shape of the flower bracts. When I was a kid I was sent out by the adults to gather native dogwood fruit to (supposedly) send to Japan… thus my extensive dogwood fruit knowledge. Also the early evidence of my trusting nature.

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  23. Naturally I stampeded here this morning to see how the [redacted] were doing. Glad to see all is as it should be. Lily is such a beautiful you-know-what. Lovely post!

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    • and on Mueller Day, too! The irony. (or not, knowing Joob.)

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