She is risen. She is making coffee.

I know it’s weird I’m writing on a Sunday, especially on a national holiday, but if you stop twisting your hankie in shock, you’ll see there’s a logical explanation. You’ll be at peace. Smoking your peace pipe.

What was in a peace pipe? Was it the maryjane? Or just regular tobacco that you can buy at the mall? Oh my god, what was that store called, where you could buy pipe tobacco and cigars in the mall? It was over there by Things Remembered.

Now I’d have to shop at Nothing Remembered. Because look how quickly I’ve segued off into a useless topic and not addressed why I am typing you while your family waits for you to cut the lamb cake.

Looks more like an Edsel cake

Anyway, here’s my story:

On Thursday night, The Poet and I went to Rifftrax. I know I’ve told you what that is before, but someone is out there saying, “What’s that?”

Didja ever watch Mystery Science Theater in the ’90s? It’s those same people who did that show. They go to some theater somewhere in America and stream a bad old movie, live, and make fun of it and we get to sit in a theater and watch, too, and listen to them make fun of it. There is always one point during either Mystery Science Theater or Rifftrax that I think I am going to barf from laughing.

And those are the kinds of good times I look for.

I’m disappointed to tell you that The Poet did not get popcorn the size of her head this time. We’d been let out of work early, as they generally let us go at 3:00 the day before a holiday, which has always been a lovely perk. (In the South, everyone gets Good Friday off. It counts as a holiday. God love this Confederate-flag-flying area.) Due to this, she’d gotten to actually go home and have dinner before the movie, so her popcorn requirements were lessened.

When they let us out early, I took a walk before I went home, as kitten head wasn’t expecting me till after 5:00 and it was only 3:00.

I’ve been walking the trail next to work for years now, and I’ve always liked this green sideways house. Now it’s for sale! I looked it up, of course, and it’s too expensive, which we all knew, but why not look. Sure is cute inside. I could cram a lot more animals in there.

My walking trail has lots of workout equipment on it, which as you can imagine I’ve never gone near except to occasionally make fun of it for the crowd, if I’m walking with a crowd. Every so often some young fit boy is using these and that’s not too shabby.

This part’s sad. This is one of those stories where a perfectly healthy kid went to football practice and died. What the hell with those stories. His parents dedicated a park bench to him and set up this little area here where his friends paint rocks for him and so on. They change the flags regularly.

A bunch of us thought of dedicating a park bench to Griff, inscribed with, “Benches are stupid.”

Full bush

When it’s just me, rather than turn around on the trail and go back the way I came, I cross the street and walk back the rich-people’s-houses way.

I always feel like somebody’s watchin’ me.

When my Uncle Leo first started dating my Aunt Kathy, he thought our family was rich because we had grass. I guess rich houses are a matter of perspective. But these seem pretty ritzy to me.

My point is, it was a lovely walk and then a lovely afternoon with my foster kitten and my regularly scheduled cats, and one coworker even came by and that was lovely, and then I had a hilarious, lovely evening with Rifftrax…

They have funny screen things before the movie starts. That’s the official name for them: “screen things.”

In all, it was a very lovely life. Then the evening was over and I was sort of eager to get back to my kitten, as I have never left him at that time of night, which at this point was 10:15. I said so long to The Poet and got in my car. And?

Dead. Morte. Fin.

My car was as dead as a doornail, which if you ask me is an interesting phrase. It wasn’t so interesting to ME, however, the lone hairwoman in a movie theater parking lot at 10:15 at night. The Poet had screeched her tires getting away from me and had no idea of the fate that had befallen me. (We live less than a mile from each other; why the hell didn’t we carpool?)

There were two middle-aged bordering on old men having an intense talk at their cars nearby. They looked like rapists to me. Everyone did at that point. I’d just the night before had a dream that I was attacked in a parking lot, I am not kidding. I’d woken up with a start. And there I was, livin’ the dream, as it were.

Those two men acted like they hadn’t talked to anyone in 14 centuries, but I was certain that was a ruse to gang rape me as soon as I left my car. I nervously stared out my rearview mirror at them. (I want to add that through this entire scenario, they acknowledged me nonce.)

I called a towing service, and the dispatcher said, “You know what I’d do, since you’re over at the mall (it’s an outdoor mall), is just walk over to Sears and get you some jumper cables.”

Would you like to know what annoys me? (Everyone gets out their scroll of Things That Annoy June.) Is people deciding they know what I should do in my crisis du jour. Like my brain couldn’t have possibly run through the scenarios myself.

“It’s 10:30 at night and Sears is closed (asshole),” I said. Without the parenthetical. Also, what if it wasn’t my battery? Jesus. So to speak. I know he’s cranky cause he just got up, so I’ll stop conjuring him.

Finally, the World’s Most Reluctant to Send a Tow Truck Tow Truck Company (Slogan: We argue about sending a tow truck) arrived, and the person driving it was a woman with red hair. Nonsense? She had none. She got out her jumper cables and got to work.

Turns out, it wasn’t m’battery, and it was around then I started to worry a bit. That’s not true. I’d started to worry many minutes back. Waldorf and Stadler kept their conversation going at the next car, never putting down their popcorn (people who baffle me: the take-your-movie-food-with-you type) and NEVER GLANCING MY WAY.

The tow truck lady and I hooked my car up with this hookie thing I have under my front seat and WHO KNEW and off we drove to my house because I didn’t know what else to do with my dead car. We should’ve just tied it to the top of her truck like a dead deer.

Just barely visible at right: Coot-mance of the century developing in theater parking lot.

Meanwhile, I have the world’s quietest neighborhood, despite it being sort of poor. I mean, people close up shop about 9 p.m., and since most of the streets are dead ends and we have the tracks behind us, it always kind of stuns me how quiet it really is at night.

Imagine everyone’s delight, then, when Large Marge, here, gets out of a tow truck at 11 p.m. and the hissing and steaming and beeping and chains and what have you begin as we drop my poor dead car off on my teensy, built-almost 100-years-ago street.

Every single neighbor I have peeked out–I saw them. The trucker across the street, who is very nice, actually came out. “You okay?” he asked, looking at my car with Xs for eyes.

The next day, The Other Copy Editor, fmr., came over, as we’d made plans weeks ago. I’d had that nice service station that had fixed my flat tire come get my car, and while she and I were having tea at a, you know, tea shop,

they rang me and said my car was ready. Oh, we were so excited. They’d said it really was just the battery, after all. So we finished our tea and headed over there, paid the $129 (total so far: $75 to tow car from movies to home, $129 to fix “the battery”) and I got in the car.

“I’ll wait to make sure everything’s okay,” said TOCE, fmr., and I put the key in, and?

Nothing. Dead. Morte. Fin.

Sigh.

To make a long story short,

HAHAHAHAHAHA

in the end, it turns out my KEY was worn out. Mini Coopers use this disk key thing, not a traditional key, and one nub on it was worn down, and when they called me and said, “Do you have another key?” not only did I, I knew where it was, in an odd fit of organization.

And? It worked. Two hundred dollars later I just needed the other key.

So that’s that story, and now I must tell you that I am leaving for the beach for a few days. I am going to a beach house with my coworker Lottie Blanco, and her wife, Lottie Blanco, plus some of their other friends. I have decided that it will be a real vacation, and that means no blogging or cell phone use or anything, although if something magnificent happens I will photograph it and put it somewhere, like my ass or Instagram or something.

A woman at work, appropriately named Kitty, is taking over kitten duty for me, and Edsel will be at the dog daycare. The other cats, who I paid attention to, fmr., will be getting the automatic feeder and so on. Oh, they’ll be fine. Untwist your hankie. That’s a big phrase for me today.

Yes, this is STILL happening.

Anyway, have a good Easter, if you’re into that sort of thing, and–oh, man, you know what I wish I had? Some scalloped potatoes. Man, that sounds delicious.

My chubby self and I will talk to you in a few days. On the third day I’ll rise again.

June

47 thoughts on “She is risen. She is making coffee.

  1. Tonight, instead of going to bed like a reasonable person, I was playing “what does this bookmark link to?” and re-discovered your blog (well, okay, rediscovered bye bye pie and then wound up here). I am glad to find that you are still hilarious and I’ve just read 12 posts in a row (fruit bat cat is adorable!) and it’s 1am. I feel like I was at the mall and bumped into a friend that I hadn’t seen in years and even back then I meant to hang out with more but then I got busy and also my brain was purchased at Things Forgotten, so I didn’t.

    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how happy it made me to find you again! 😀

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  2. I love that you now want to call the store ‘things forgotten’. Such a bummer to end a great evening like that. Glad you have the great place that fixed your tire. Enjoy your vacay!

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  3. Bad, bad The Poet, unchivalrously zooming away while your car was refusing to do its job. Next time we will carpool so we can stand around together beside a dead car. Eating popcorn.

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  4. Large Marge!

    My husband-to-be and I saw Pee Wee’s Big Adventure for our first movie date (romantic, right?). Packed house and Marge was totally unexpected. One of our best laughs ever.

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  5. I tend to read you too fast and thought a cat was dead. I actually felt a bit of panic there. Then I backed up and was probably too happy when I realized it was your car and not a cat.

    Have fun at the beach!

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  6. I had a Blazer that chewed through keys like it was its job! I started having multiple keys made and kept an extra one in my purse at all times. Coincidentally, I had my car towed the other day. I knew it had a draw, so it made no sense to jump it again. The tow truck guy jumped it, so he could get it out of the driveway. When it turned over he said I needed a new battery. Yeah, no that was a new battery. Then he asked me if I turned everything off before I took the key out. At this point I was really annoyed. How about you just do your job? I can live without you giving me stupid women syndrome. So I looked at him and said it has a draw, so all the jumping in the world won’t fix it. Finally, he stopped asking me pointless questions and towed my car.

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  7. Wasn’t Rifftrax in Rocky Horror Picture Show?

    I think the place in the mall was Puff and Stuff. At least that was the cigar, candy, magazine, soda place in our mall. Now it probably sells probiotic nuts, bai water and vape liquid.

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  8. Glad your car issue is sorted out. Hope you have a wonderful vacation. We had au gratin potatoes yesterday, which is essentially the same as scalloped potatoes except they feature a cheese sauce instead of an oniony white sauce. I probably only make them once a year.

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  9. The Poet doesn’t sneak snacks into the theater like many of us. How stressful to have a dead car and no one to help. My Corolla was sluggish starting, replaced the battery, $135 (my brother told me to get the 80 month battery because the 60 month battery is crap, his word, not mine). New battery car was dead. I was so glad I was stranded in my carport. AAA towed my little car back to the shop because the problem was the starter. Another $400+ to get my little car going. I texted a photo of my car to my brother, who worked for Toyota 40 years with a caption, “I thought I would never see THIS, my car being towed.” No response!
    Milhous is going to be so lonesome without baby walnut head.
    Enjoy your vacation sounds like you are going to have a great time!
    Tee

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  10. Happy Easter, all!

    Car trouble is the worst. I am glad it wasn’t something HUGE.

    Have a wonderful vacation! I am so jealous.

    Lovely post, lovely June~

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  11. Easter is over and I feel like the 4th of July is right around the corner. I’m glad you got your car sorted out.

    Have a wonderful vacation!

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  12. I once paid way too much for a key battery to be replaced by the dealer. Next time bought a battery at Walgreens after googling – how to replace key battery. Turns out both key batteries go dead around the same time. Duh, they are the same age. I say in hindsight

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  13. Our repair shop called on Friday and said they replaced out Mini’s battery but wanted to keep it until Monday to see if the codes went away. Evidently they can hook it up to a computer and based on the code know whether they fixed the problem. I’m now hoping the codes are still there so I can ask if it’s perhaps the key. And be right! Oh, I really really want to be able to fix the problem with all my car knowledge!

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  14. Oh my GOD I was reading really fast about little walnut head being alone and then my eyes jumped to “dead” and I honestly almost started crying, because I thought you’d gone home and found the kitten dead!

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  15. Lovely post and pictures June. I feel like I was in the parking lot cowering with you. Hope you have a great trip with the Blanco family and come back tanned and refreshed. I can’t believe little walnut head has not tried to go under the door to mix with the rest of the family. Thanks for writing us before your vacation!

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  16. My mom would drop off my stepbrother and me at high school. He would go out the back door and dummy me went to class. Fast forward 40 years. I’m a teacher with 3 degrees and will never, ever be more than hoping for middle class. Step brother is a locksmith and earns 6 figures. If I knew then what I know now…. Enjoy the beach

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    • I have to say, they are worth six figures if the are good. I had a rotten guy come and scrape up my car for two hours trying to open it and then give up. I called a second guy and he opened the lock in about 3 minutes. At that point I was happy to pay whatever he asked.

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  17. Happy Easter/Passover to all!
    June, I hope you have the most relaxing vacation and do absolutely nothing you don’t want to do.

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  18. Happy Easter. My husband and I went to Denny’s for breakfast and the cashier was named Jesus. So that was our Easter service for today. Have a great break at the beach!

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  19. Here I am preparing a beautiful Easter dinner, darn! I forgot the lamb cake!, and all the while we could have just had a good chicken cutlet sandwich from home.
    Magnificent post, June. Sorry about the car, happy about the movie fun, delighted for your vacation.

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  20. Don’t feel too bad about the key, I have a Mini Cooper as well and several months ago my car wouldn’t start and panic ensued as I was at a shopping center. Finally I was able decipher the tiny British symbols my dashboard was flashing and realized that the battery in my keyfob had died. Fun fact: you can hold the seemingly dead fob right next to the dash and the car will start. The things I learnt that day…

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  21. Lovely Easter post, lovely June.
    Well, aside from the dead car.
    I had a similar problem years ago.
    Dead truck, not the battery.
    Turned out to be pocket lint packed in the ignition.
    Who knew?
    No more carrying my keys in my pocket.
    I hope it’s sunny and warm at the beach and you have a wonderful time with everyone.

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  22. When the key to my Camry disappeared one day (into one of my grocery bags, as I eventually found out) I had to replace it and the KEY cost almost $300!!! Nothing’s cheap on cars anymore.
    Have a wonderfully relaxing time at the beach. Have you chosen a beach book yet?

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  23. I LOVED to watch Mystery Science Theatre! So glad you have all those neat things to do in Greensboro. Greenville thinks that if you set up an area in Downtown (or should I say “Uptown” Greenville as they desperately want people to call it, although it has been “Downtown” since literally 1900, ) with a local band and table with people selling plants and jewelry, that ALL should be grateful. Or, anything to do with ECU sports. I like ECU, I work for ECU, but there should be more than that. I do buy season tickets to ECU Theatre and that is wonderful, but come on. I cannot believe those two old coots did not even give you a second of their attention. What is wrong with men? And they were old, which meant they grew up in the era of chivalry. Losers. Have a great time at the beach and all of us will be here for you when you get back!

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  24. How lovely to hear from you on a weekend. Not just any weekend, but Easter. When you mentioned Rifftrax, I was the one saying, “what’s that?” We have nothing like that around here, as far as I know. Very sorry about your car problems. There’s nothing worse. Well, there’s a lot worse, but you know. Have a wonderful time at the beach!

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  25. Practical Priscilla here – if you have car insurance, they’ll usually cover/reimburse all towing charges. Call them and find out. Is this advice? …free on holidays

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  26. Happy Easter, Joob!
    Oh, I would have been aggravated and spitting when they told me it was my key.
    Have a nice vacation and remember to bring us back presents!

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