My harrowing morning thus far

When I saw that life coach, he told me there technically is no such thing as stress. We just react to things and GET stressed. If we change our reaction, we could, in truth, not have stress at all.

Hunh.

I was dreaming about some large murder woman chasing me at 5:38 this morning (I kept asking everyone for help but everyone looked at me like I was crazy) when

SWEEEK!

SWEEEEEK!

the kitten starting peeping. I call him the Boy from Eeep-anema. He’s very squeaky. He’s six weeks old now, and really, really should be eating solid food, but he is not. I had another foster kitten like this once, one who was big and strong and had all his teefs, and there he’d be every day, meow as deep as a man’s.

MEOW.

And I’d give him a damn bottle. It was like bottle-feeding Jethro Bodean.

MEOW.

After I fed him this morning, he followed me around while I fed Edsel, fed the regularly scheduled cats, made coffee. SQUEEEEEK, he’d say. SQUEEK! He attempted crawling up my leg, and let me tell you something. I love kittens. God knows I do. But I

HATE

the crawl up the leg. Hate. I guess it’s part of my mostly wanting to be left alone thing.

Do you know what annoys me? Is any time anyone says I LIVE for attention. I saw a group on Facebook say that about me when they thought I wasn’t looking. I had someone at work say it just the other day when we were on our 3 o’clock walk.

Do people say that because I write this stupid blog? Or because I tell a funny story in one line on social media? Because let me tell you what: I do those from the privacy of my home, where I live alone. Really, most of my day is spent trying to be left alone. I have noticed, actually, that people who say that are people who seek attention themselves. I know one person who GETS ON A STAGE on the regular who has repeatedly made little you-want-attention jabs. Once when I broke a fucking bone and was just trying to limp to my desk to work in silence.

Anyway. The kitten. He wanted attention.

“What?” I asked. “What do you want? What is it?”

I picked him up and he didn’t care. I tried to distract him with play and he didn’t care.

Turned out he wanted a SECOND bottle. Good lord he should be on solid food.

So now he’s fat and content, playing with his pet rat that is technically Milhous’s pet rat that he loaned to the cause.

They spent so much time bopping at each other under the door that I said screw it and I let them hang out while I make the kitten’s bottles. I think part of why he isn’t eating is he just has no idea he can eat. I’ve presented him with 17,000 flat small dishes of kitten food mixed with formula (Slogan: God, really?) and he’s just had no clue what to do with it.

MEOW. I’m pulling down my 401(k) and need my bottle. MEOW.

Oh my god. This kitten is every man I’ve dated.

Anyway, now I’m supposed to be at work in five minutes and I haven’t even showered yet, but I felt guilty that I hadn’t blogged at you all week and then blogged one day of mostly pictures and then if I skipped today and then it’d be the weekend you’d all turn on me like potato salad at the hot picnic, so.

I leave you with this. I was sweeping the hall, not for drugs, last night and moved the candlestick, which apparently I rarely do, which makes sense because it’s tall and heavy and besides, what could be under–

…oh. Apparently Milhous’s SECOND stash is here. His first is under that drawer beneath the oven. I see 104 bottle caps, tinsel from freaking CHRISTMAS, a buckle from god knows what that broke, a truffle wrapper and an empty tube of flea meds, which sounds super safe to play with.

Someone asked me out yesterday, FOR yesterday, and I said no because I had too much cat care to do. Now, that’s pathetic.

Anyway, that’s my spinster morning and also I guess part of my spinster evening yesterday and now it is one minute till work and Paula H&B has had seven coronaries that I haven’t even SHOWERED yet, so goodbye.

Love,
June, now in a stress-free package!

59 thoughts on “My harrowing morning thus far

  1. Welcome back from the beach, June! I love get-aways that have no agenda. Just the water and relaxation. So glad you had a great time. Too bad you had to rush yesterday, it ruins the Margaritaville vibe.

    Lovely post(s), lovely June!

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  2. I am going to chime in and say you are very much like a stand up comedian who takes the ordinary and mundane and makes me want to hear the story whereas you do the same with the written story. It is a talent to entertain and you need that viewing things differently to make it entertaining. All this to say you are a witty, entertaining story teller.
    Also Milhous is the best why are orange cats so kooky question for another day.
    Thanks for writing and being entertaining.

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  3. I’m reading this in the afternoon, and I feel retroactively rushed for you.
    Also, whoooo asks for a Same-Day date? That’s a no, even if you were bored out of your mind.

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  4. My God, that Milhous got huge!

    I think we all live for attention when we want it, and we want to be left alone when we don’t. The trick is getting other people to figure it out. 9 out of 10 times, I don’t care that my husband comes in to the bathroom to get ready in the morning if I am already in there and showering or whatever. But man, that ONE TIME out of 10, I want to kill him for invading my space and not respecting my need for privacy. “NO. You can’t look at my boobs. GO AWAY.” Shesh, how come he didn’t know that today, when yesterday his ogling was cool? Conundrum.

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  5. I just read all of the comments, and I don’t remember who said it – but I agree with the one (or two?) that said you are just creative and a good story teller and that is what you do. Has nothing to do with attention. I like to tell stories too. I often wonder why things happen that play out in such a way, that I HAVE TO TELL IT?! I almost named my blog, ‘I couldn’t make this stuff up’ or ‘entrepreneurial (thank you spell correct, I needed that) with nothing to sell but stories’ – but those did not win.

    All thru childhood (and probably now under her breath) my sister always accused me of trying to get attention – because I am not like her. Afraid what people think. Being entertaining is fun. Go with it. And, no – I am not tight with my sisters.

    My kids sweep stuff under furniture. I have no pets, so that is the best I can do to relate. Weird though, because my kids have opposable thumbs, so they CAN use a dust pan. No excuse.

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  6. Milhous’s secret stash reminds me of my aunt and uncle’s chocolate stash in the vegetable drawer (bin?) in their refrigerator. Obviously, they preferred chocolate to fresh vegetables.

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  7. Ahh I needed these laughs! ha ha… so hilarious you are and I do not think you are looking for attention! Geez, ignore those people!
    If my Princess, a gorgeous Siamese, was still living, and if I had a lamp like that – under it I am sure I would find several huge waterbug bodies – otherwise known to me, as huge roaches that live in sewers in central (old) parts of town here! She would press them to death and then save them for me. I miss her – she was so beautiful and… oh ya – entertaining… hmm

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    • Totally agree. It’s like people think attention is a zero-sum game, and if you want some attention, you’re specifically stealing it away from them.

      The whole thing cracks me up, anyway. It’s like, “Attention? I’m not marrying Kanye West and putting my bare butt on a magazine cover. I’m just writing a blog, for crying out loud!”

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  8. Love the new font! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend either with lots of people (all you attention seekers) or alone with the tv- I have a date with mine to finish up a season of Mr. Robot. Milhous As a Mentor may be a dangerous thing!

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  9. I read every day, but rarely comment. I don’t feel like you’re an attention seeker. I feel like you’re filled with stories that need telling, because you are a gifted story teller.

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  10. Also? (I really should shut up.) I call BS on the whole “there is no stress” thing. We absolutely can reduce the stress in our lives with our attitudes. But there are things that are objectively bad and stressful. So should we relax about being stuck in traffic? Sure. Are we overreacting when we lose a job/the dog is sick/the kid is addicted to drugs? No. Life is going to bring stress.

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  11. Here’s the thing about people saying that someone loves attention: shut up. It’s clearly meant as an insult, right? Ooooohh, you just want people to LOOK at you! But everyone wants some attention. That person with making the judge-y comment is saying that so people will nod in agreement and they can join together in that delicious feeling of judging someone (which is what I’m doing right now, with this snarky comment). We are social animals. We need other people. That’s not a bad thing. And we all have different levels of comfort with other people and different ways of connecting.
    To sum up, those people should shut up.

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  12. That toy stash under the lamp! Clever kitty! Also clearly he has a wide variety of interests. You should congratulate self on raising a well balanced kitty interested in agriculture, chemistry, home decor….

    One of my finest moments of raising a kitten was pretending to eat cat food in order to teach? entice? humble myself? & get kitten to reign to eat wet food. But it worked by gad! And dignity is for chumps.

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  13. When people say those things aloud, they are actually trying to rally others to mock you. You could ignore, or just give them a Melissa McCarthy-caliber throat punch, which I’m advocating here.

    I moved the curtain away from the half of the sliding door that doesn’t open and found our youngest cat’s stash. Now my young adult daughter knows what happened to all her hair ties when she was home for Christmas break!

    Let the little nugget of kitten joy watch Mill eat, I think that’s a great idea. Can’t hurt.

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  14. Millhous looks huge compared to little walnut headed kitten! When did he grow up? Thank you for taking the time to write to us whenever you do it. I hope Edsel is feeling more energetic today after his time at the spa.

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  15. I cannot have a friendship with a person who gossips or says unworthy things about another person. I’m sorry you read that. I would probably curl up in a ball if I knew what-all people have said about me. As for wanting attention I have a news flash for those people, if humans don’t get attention they fail to thrive so get over your non-attention needing selves.
    I think you love to amuse, delight and share. Creative people need to share. You’re beautiful heart, body, and soul. Please post all you want and we will be happy to be amused, delighted and share. You give us attention by writing.

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  16. “I’m pulling down my 401(k) and need my bottle. MEOW. Oh my god. This kitten is every man I’ve dated.”

    I am going to laugh about this for a month.

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  17. I wonder if itty bitty muffin kitten would lick it off if you dabbed some around his mouth.
    You’ve probably already tried that.
    I also like my home alone time.
    After chatting with clients all day I’ve had enough social interaction.
    Leave me the hell in peace.
    I’m annoyed for you over the Live for Attention crap. I think they’re just jealous of your writing talent and wit.
    People are dicks.
    Don’t feel guilty about not posting every day. I think the anticipation of a new one makes us enjoy it even more when you do hit publish. You have a busy life and I’m always amazed that you still manage to fit a post in.

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  18. Little Black Kitty has the cutest face! Did you try hand-feeding him to help him eat? Just a thought. Also too, ignore negative people. I’ve found that some people just like to complain — about anything. And June, where is your pretty header?

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  19. That little black kitten is adorable! Would love to have him but my dog would probably eat him like he does the rocks.

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  20. My cats, fmr., always loved playing with the plastic rings off milk jugs and wads of aluminum foil. Why did I ever spend any money on toys for them? They also loved paper grocery bags (remember those) and any kind of a box.
    Tee

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    • When I was a kid, we always just laid the grocery bags down for Mittens. That was my childhood cat: Mittens. I named her that awful name and I was never that nice to her and I feel bad about it in retrospect.

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  21. I have people tell me all the time that I love attention, that I should do stand up, that I love people. Dude. I am actually a very quiet, shy person. Once I know you and feel comfortable then I hit you with all this (tm June- I’m not cool enough to know how to make the trademark symbol). If I had my druthers, I’d stay in my home, perfectly content to not speak to anyone and I’d be happily entertained by books and tv for weeks on end.

    I’m so tempted to make the half way drive to get the kitten. I love his little face so bad!

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  22. Are you all TRYING to kill me? I got to work 45 minutes early and now I’m stressed anyway. Oh, but let me tell you about spiraling and stressing, since “stress is a reaction.” Yesterday I was driving home and texted my two ADULT children who still live at home (there’s your stress situation right there). No answer. A few minutes later, I tried again. Nothing. Now, in my mind, I have them hacked to death in a horrible bloody hatchet murder AND the house is on fire. Death and destruction could be the only answer. As I rounded the corner and saw the house still standing, I started to calm myself, but I was still irked because the cleaning lady came yesterday and if they had gotten themselves hacked to death AFTER she cleaned, I’d’ve been PISSED.

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    • Literally spit out a bit of my diet coke when I got to the last sentence. When my 14 year old was being overly dramatic and claiming to be dying due to homework a few weeks ago, I told her she wasn’t allowed to die indoors because the cleaning lady had just been, but she was welcome to go outside. Instantly cured. IT’S A MIRACLE.

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    • My 17-year-old son just texted me from school, “Can you come get me”
      No punctuation, which GAH. But also – WAIT, WHY? Were you expelled? Did you puke? Has there been a shooting? GOOD GOD, is your girlfriend pregnant?
      And then he didn’t respond for a half hour, at which time he said I should not worry. There was no one to hang out with between classes, but then Nik showed up, so he’s fine.
      Sadly, I don’t think he will make it to prom tonight, because I am going to kill him entirely to death.

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  23. …turn on me like potato salad at a hot picnic… This made me laugh right out loud. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn on you. It’s your decision when you write, note I didn’t say blog.

    Oh my goodness! I’ve got to go! I have a meeting this morning and it is a 45 minute drive away. Now I’m stressed. Good morning, Paula.
    Tee

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  24. Oh, I love that black kitten! He reminds me of our black lab who died almost 2 years ago but seems like yesterday. If I didn’t live in Illinois and had a child that was deathly allergic, I would adopt him.

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  25. I’m always amazed, when we vacuum and gather them all together, at the number of dog chew toys that we’ve spent tons of money on and collected, and yet my crazy dogs will still pull a used tissue out of the trash can and chew on that. Eww!

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  26. I cant believe Im first…it’s probably because Im still awake over here on the left coast.

    I cant believe all the things I find that the cat has stashed when I finally get around to moving furniture to clean. Things I didnt even realize were missing!

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    • I don’t see you as an attention-seeker. The way you see the world and how you express that is unique and attracts attention. Whole ‘nother kinda thing.

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