All I can remember about this weekend is running about and sweating. It was 90 all weekend. I even turned the AC on after I got faint at the grocer’s. I say “grocer’s” now like it’s 1962.
On Friday I ended up working late, and by the time I got home I was in no mood for any fun. I sat grimly and glared at the pets.
On Saturday, I woke up and got right to cleaning, because that’s what I do on Saturday mornings. Back when I was in a relationship, I had sex on Saturday morning, but my house was always a wreck. So.
I swept the floors and washed them and changed the litter box, but then I took a break.
I will never get over the internet saying I had cankles. The internet is a terrible place, and yet here we all are.
I took a break because it was absolutely lovely out: not too hot and not buggy yet. Everyone left their horse and carriage at home.
Stay tuned for more Hilarity With June.
We were even joined by Adventure Lily, now with Outdoorsiness.
I’ve lived here 8 months. This is the second time she’s ventured out here. And yes, I know I have to power wash the patio. I looked into renting one and got overwhelmed.
Eventually, I gathered myself together to hear the Lord’s blessing and I really need to get over that hymn. Anyway, I gathered self and got in car. Last week I asked you guys to give me ideas for what to do with my weekend, and one suggestion was take a country drive, and another was go to the farmers market, but instead I took a country drive to get strawberries.
I love driving out to the country.
Then I zipped over to Lowe’s, the one in my neighborhood that’s never all that crowded. Needless to say, I prefer this, as the other Lowe’s where you open the doors and see all the people ends up giving me sort of a Lowe’s angst, where I feel sort of sick and sad and bombarded by the cornucopia of humanity spilling forth.
I had a $100 gift certificate so I bought a new patio umbrella in a color that is not sad-lady-bits-colored like my old umbrella. And I also loaded up on the SIGNATURE bird seed. I still have $39 left over on m’card!
Then I’m sad to inform you that I began what became a day-long quest to find patio cushions. My patio cushions are the same sad beige of my umbrella, fmr., and I wish to find bright ones that can do my trigonometry homework.
Y’all all told me about this store, which I’d never heard of, but lo and behold, I have one in my town, way on the other side, so I schlepped over there and.
Oh my god I could stay in that store all day.
Awhile back, I told you about how when I was a kid and my aunt took me to the doughnut store, I always wanted the seasonal one that had hearts all over it or tinsel or Armistices whatever. “You’ll never eat that,” she’d say. “You just want it because it’s gaudy.” And I told you at the time that that pretty much sums up my taste in everything. I am not a religious soul, but I NEED A LAVENDER SPARKLY EASTER CHURCH!! IT LIGHTS UP! IT WAS ON SALE!!!
I did not get it. Nor did I get these FABULOUS GAUDY BUNNIES OH MY GOD WANT.
There is nothing better than this duo of bunnies. They’re drag queen Easter bunnies. Welcome to the stage Hy Drangea and Hare Glitter! Okay, those were terrible drag queen names. I’m recovering from being faint. I’LL GET TO IT, GEEZ.
Anyway, my POINT in going there was to look at cushions for my patio furniture. The cushions at Lowe’s were $20 apiece, and I’m talking one cushion for sitting, $20. One cushion to rest your back on, $20. So it’s $40 a chair and if you have four chairs, by my maths that’s $692.37.
But at the super discount At Home store?
Cushions were $20 apiece. Goddammit.
I ended up buying a duster and a shower curtain and a bathmat thing and a last-minute impulse-buy hand soap, which was okay because I actually was out and had a depressing bar of soap at the sink.
Since I didn’t find any cushions at either store, I remembered a commenter from the other day saying you can get spray paint to paint outdoor cushions. So even though it was 90 degrees and I’d been running around stores for several hours and was thirsty AF, I googled it and it turns out you can get that kind of spray paint at the Jesus is my Hobby Lobby, a place I normally boycott because I know I’m supposed to be pissed at them for something but I couldn’t remember what so I went in.
They were playing the Muzak version of What a Friend We Have in Jesus, I kid you not.
I don’t think I’ve EVER been in Hobby Lobby, nor Hobby Rest of the Store, but I went in there, all my sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry/my purse to the paint aisle, there.
When I got home, I didn’t have time to start with the fabric painting.
Cause I had plans, see, with my friend Lilly, see, to go watch this guy I know play at this wine bar. He wrote me Saturday morning and asked me and my “crew” to come see him play. I had a moment of panic because I have no fucking crew. No one in my life has made the crew cut.
“What about Lilly?” I thought, and then remembered she has small children. But I texted her anyway and she was all HELL YEAH I’LL GO and then she showed up at my house looking
in a mustard-yellow-accented peasant blouse and cute mustard earrings. I mean, they were made of some gem. They weren’t, like, literally made of mustard. Catch up.
Stay tuned for more Hilarity With June.
I told her about my busy day, and that before she’d gotten to my house, I lay on the couch and put my feet up. “Google, tell me when it’s 6:30,” I said. I knew I’d have to get ready starting then.
“Okay,” said my Google machine, as my mother calls it. “I will alert you in one minute, 19 seconds.”
Lilly stared at me a moment.
“I haven’t laid on a couch with my feet up in six years,” she said, with her two kids and two businesses and horses and a spouse.
Anyway, the night was lovely and the moon even more so; it was the same sort of honey yellow as Colonel Mustard’s earrings, up there. We had two nice glasses of Prosecco, and I know you know where this is going.
Do you see a theme, here? Every time I try to throw down just a little, just a TAD? Migraine. I know children get cancer and Grumpy Cat died and thousands of other things rank on the list of Things That Are Bad over top of my “Why can’t I ever just kick back with two glasses of Prosecco without MY HEAD KILLING ME,” but still. It rankles.
I felt fine till Sunday morning. I had plans to go to a play with one of my neighbors, but I texted her to tell her I was ill. I was out of pills, of course, having forgotten to get my refill after Saturday’s chore fest, so eventually I got up and headed to the store as I had no choice.
And guess what. Crowd. Everybody in the world was doing their weekly shopping, including me, because when I got to the pharmacy part of the store, the pharmacist was giving shots to people. Not of tequila. Like, with a needle. So I said screw it, Ima get some weekly groceries and come back. But here’s the thing.
I got in that line, and the last thing I’d eaten had been lunch after Lowe’s the day before. I hadn’t eaten dinner, because see above.
I stood in that endless line (Dear Super Couponers: Fuck off) and felt hot. Then cold. Then hot. Then barfy.
I got out of that line, went to the self-checkout, and whisked those groceries past the scanny thing like I was The Bionic Woman when she runs. The world even made that noise,
I moved so fast. Then as soon as I’d paid, I ate a protein bar.
And then I was fine and got my pills.
Anyway, I see I’ve talked way too long, so I will briefly say that one can of fabric spray was not even a quarter of what I needed.
so I gave up and bought some cushions online for like $130 total.
Blazing Needles was a great movie. Loved the campfire scene.
Oh, and you know how last week I got Milhous that cat bed and he won’t use it?
That is all I have to tell you, except Sunday evening, I said to Edsel, “When do you think we’ll see fireflies this year?” as we went outside, and there they were! The first fireflies of the season! I sat in my chair and watched them while Edsel chewed Blu and Milhous leapt across the grass.
I saw a star overhead but realized it was just a plane. I sang this song below to Edsel, who wishes I wouldn’t sing.
Sometimes I get these giant rushes of happy. Do you ever do that? Last night, sitting in my turquoise chair, singing to my weird dog about satellites, while fireflies lit the grass, was one of those times.