“Tell us about your weekend, June” — No one

I can’t help about the shape I’m in, I look tired I ain’t pretty and m’lips are thin

All I can remember about this weekend is running about and sweating. It was 90 all weekend. I even turned the AC on after I got faint at the grocer’s. I say “grocer’s” now like it’s 1962.

On Friday I ended up working late, and by the time I got home I was in no mood for any fun. I sat grimly and glared at the pets.

On Saturday, I woke up and got right to cleaning, because that’s what I do on Saturday mornings. Back when I was in a relationship, I had sex on Saturday morning, but my house was always a wreck. So.

I swept the floors and washed them and changed the litter box, but then I took a break.

QUITTIN’ TIME
“Cankles at Rest”

I will never get over the internet saying I had cankles. The internet is a terrible place, and yet here we all are.

I took a break because it was absolutely lovely out: not too hot and not buggy yet. Everyone left their horse and carriage at home.

Stay tuned for more Hilarity With June.

it do be rully luffflee. the wether. not lame joke.

We were even joined by Adventure Lily, now with Outdoorsiness.

wy we out heer? Fud inside.

I’ve lived here 8 months. This is the second time she’s ventured out here. And yes, I know I have to power wash the patio. I looked into renting one and got overwhelmed.

Eventually, I gathered myself together to hear the Lord’s blessing and I really need to get over that hymn. Anyway, I gathered self and got in car. Last week I asked you guys to give me ideas for what to do with my weekend, and one suggestion was take a country drive, and another was go to the farmers market, but instead I took a country drive to get strawberries.

I love driving out to the country.

Then I zipped over to Lowe’s, the one in my neighborhood that’s never all that crowded. Needless to say, I prefer this, as the other Lowe’s where you open the doors and see all the people ends up giving me sort of a Lowe’s angst, where I feel sort of sick and sad and bombarded by the cornucopia of humanity spilling forth.

I had a $100 gift certificate so I bought a new patio umbrella in a color that is not sad-lady-bits-colored like my old umbrella. And I also loaded up on the SIGNATURE bird seed. I still have $39 left over on m’card!

Then I’m sad to inform you that I began what became a day-long quest to find patio cushions. My patio cushions are the same sad beige of my umbrella, fmr., and I wish to find bright ones that can do my trigonometry homework.

Y’all all told me about this store, which I’d never heard of, but lo and behold, I have one in my town, way on the other side, so I schlepped over there and.

You guys.

Oh my god I could stay in that store all day.

THEY HAVE EVERYTHING
That joke never gets old

Awhile back, I told you about how when I was a kid and my aunt took me to the doughnut store, I always wanted the seasonal one that had hearts all over it or tinsel or Armistices whatever. “You’ll never eat that,” she’d say. “You just want it because it’s gaudy.” And I told you at the time that that pretty much sums up my taste in everything. I am not a religious soul, but I NEED A LAVENDER SPARKLY EASTER CHURCH!! IT LIGHTS UP! IT WAS ON SALE!!!

I did not get it. Nor did I get these FABULOUS GAUDY BUNNIES OH MY GOD WANT.

“take us home, tacky Juuuuun”

There is nothing better than this duo of bunnies. They’re drag queen Easter bunnies. Welcome to the stage Hy Drangea and Hare Glitter! Okay, those were terrible drag queen names. I’m recovering from being faint. I’LL GET TO IT, GEEZ.

Heavy is the June who wears the crown

Anyway, my POINT in going there was to look at cushions for my patio furniture. The cushions at Lowe’s were $20 apiece, and I’m talking one cushion for sitting, $20. One cushion to rest your back on, $20. So it’s $40 a chair and if you have four chairs, by my maths that’s $692.37.

But at the super discount At Home store?

Cushions were $20 apiece. Goddammit.

I ended up buying a duster and a shower curtain and a bathmat thing and a last-minute impulse-buy hand soap, which was okay because I actually was out and had a depressing bar of soap at the sink.

Since I didn’t find any cushions at either store, I remembered a commenter from the other day saying you can get spray paint to paint outdoor cushions. So even though it was 90 degrees and I’d been running around stores for several hours and was thirsty AF, I googled it and it turns out you can get that kind of spray paint at the Jesus is my Hobby Lobby, a place I normally boycott because I know I’m supposed to be pissed at them for something but I couldn’t remember what so I went in.

They were playing the Muzak version of What a Friend We Have in Jesus, I kid you not.

I don’t think I’ve EVER been in Hobby Lobby, nor Hobby Rest of the Store, but I went in there, all my sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry/my purse to the paint aisle, there.

When I got home, I didn’t have time to start with the fabric painting.

Cause I had plans, see, with my friend Lilly, see, to go watch this guy I know play at this wine bar. He wrote me Saturday morning and asked me and my “crew” to come see him play. I had a moment of panic because I have no fucking crew. No one in my life has made the crew cut.

“What about Lilly?” I thought, and then remembered she has small children. But I texted her anyway and she was all HELL YEAH I’LL GO and then she showed up at my house looking

ADORABLE

in a mustard-yellow-accented peasant blouse and cute mustard earrings. I mean, they were made of some gem. They weren’t, like, literally made of mustard. Catch up.

Stay tuned for more Hilarity With June.

I told her about my busy day, and that before she’d gotten to my house, I lay on the couch and put my feet up. “Google, tell me when it’s 6:30,” I said. I knew I’d have to get ready starting then.

“Okay,” said my Google machine, as my mother calls it. “I will alert you in one minute, 19 seconds.”

Goddammit.

Lilly stared at me a moment.

“I haven’t laid on a couch with my feet up in six years,” she said, with her two kids and two businesses and horses and a spouse.

Hunh. So.

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

Anyway, the night was lovely and the moon even more so; it was the same sort of honey yellow as Colonel Mustard’s earrings, up there. We had two nice glasses of Prosecco, and I know you know where this is going.

Migraine.

Do you see a theme, here? Every time I try to throw down just a little, just a TAD? Migraine. I know children get cancer and Grumpy Cat died and thousands of other things rank on the list of Things That Are Bad over top of my “Why can’t I ever just kick back with two glasses of Prosecco without MY HEAD KILLING ME,” but still. It rankles.

I felt fine till Sunday morning. I had plans to go to a play with one of my neighbors, but I texted her to tell her I was ill. I was out of pills, of course, having forgotten to get my refill after Saturday’s chore fest, so eventually I got up and headed to the store as I had no choice.

And guess what. Crowd. Everybody in the world was doing their weekly shopping, including me, because when I got to the pharmacy part of the store, the pharmacist was giving shots to people. Not of tequila. Like, with a needle. So I said screw it, Ima get some weekly groceries and come back. But here’s the thing.

I got in that line, and the last thing I’d eaten had been lunch after Lowe’s the day before. I hadn’t eaten dinner, because see above.

I stood in that endless line (Dear Super Couponers: Fuck off) and felt hot. Then cold. Then hot. Then barfy.

I got out of that line, went to the self-checkout, and whisked those groceries past the scanny thing like I was The Bionic Woman when she runs. The world even made that noise,

I moved so fast. Then as soon as I’d paid, I ate a protein bar.

And then I was fine and got my pills.

The end.

Anyway, I see I’ve talked way too long, so I will briefly say that one can of fabric spray was not even a quarter of what I needed.

Return of the sad-lady-bit stripes

so I gave up and bought some cushions online for like $130 total.

Blazing Needles was a great movie. Loved the campfire scene.

Oh, and you know how last week I got Milhous that cat bed and he won’t use it?

new bathmat. hoo dis?

Sigh.

That is all I have to tell you, except Sunday evening, I said to Edsel, “When do you think we’ll see fireflies this year?” as we went outside, and there they were! The first fireflies of the season! I sat in my chair and watched them while Edsel chewed Blu and Milhous leapt across the grass.

I saw a star overhead but realized it was just a plane. I sang this song below to Edsel, who wishes I wouldn’t sing.

“I saw two shooting stars last night/I wished on them/they better not be satellites.”

Sometimes I get these giant rushes of happy. Do you ever do that? Last night, sitting in my turquoise chair, singing to my weird dog about satellites, while fireflies lit the grass, was one of those times.

Wordily,
June

69 thoughts on ““Tell us about your weekend, June” — No one

  1. I loved this post about the flashes of happy. I get those every so often. And then some other bullshit happens and that happy becomes sad, mad or both. My Dad’s been in and out of the hospital for days at a time the past two weeks. It’s been scary and has made me very anxious.

    I like your new patio cushions. I wish I had a house. And a yard. And a patio. Apartment living has its upsides, but it also has its downsides. I miss my old house and my beautiful yard. Dang.

    Miss you, Junie. Your Pal, always, Ant Leesa

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  2. I am a day late so probably a dollar short but I just had to say that I enjoyed it and laughed more than once. Love your outlook!

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  3. Great post! Hilarious, except the headache. So glad you enjoyed the happy and got so much done. Love the new shower curtain and mat. I see Milhouse loves the mat, he has good taste.

    Our lovely outdoor weather went away on Saturday. I was mostly on my hands and knees cleaning out a flower bed. Sunday I was mostly trying to recover from Saturday.
    Tee

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  4. Loved this post, June. I do also have moments of happy. I’m sorry to be such a sporadic commenter, but I’m usually at my desk here at the dental office when I read your posts, which doesn’t always allow for a scroll down to the place where the comments can be written. Or to even write a comment after the scrolling. It is always in my mind to send you a comment, though, just so you’ll know how much I appreciate your posts. I don’t think I’ve ever read one I didn’t love reading. Most of them make me laugh out loud. Keep on doing what you do. You are pretty amazing.

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  5. I got to the lavender glitter chapels and raced to the Google, muttering “there’s NO WAY we have one of those in Albuquerque,” but LO there is one. In a remote part of town that I have never been to, and to make the trip I will have to bring a lunch and pack a lantern.

    But I will go. As June is my witness, I will go.

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  6. Lovely post. I am enjoying unusually cool weather in Phx at the moment. To be able to sit outside at this time of at this time of year is a gift.

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  7. You couldn’t pay me to step foot inside a Hobby Lobby except with a blow torch, those sanctimonious anti-women’s reproductive rights assholes. I remember back in my 20s when insurance companies would not cover birth control and apparently, Hobby Lobby thinks those days were Golden. Bastards.

    I had so many plans for this past weekend, to get my chores done, clean the house etc and instead, I pretty much just lounged around watching motocross and hockey. Plus it rained yesterday. A good enough reason to be a couch potato.

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  8. You know, it may be the *type* of booze that you drink and not just having a night out that’s causing the migraines. My mother found that red wines especially high in tannins were way more likely to give her a migraine the next day. For me it’s never that easy, but hooray for the meds that make the pain stop!

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    • Sadly, that is not it. I’ve experimented with white wine, beer, Prosecco, vodka, rum and whiskey. It’s just the alcohol itself, it would appear.

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      • I’ve read that with the wine it’s the sulphites, and that if you get “organic” wine you might avoid migraines. I can’t get that out here in the boonies, but would give it a shot if I could.
        Also, yeah … it’s the alcohol. Just the alcohol. But then, why not EVERY time I have a drink or two? Perhaps it’s that goddamn “overflowing barrell” thing with allergies … which makes it so effin’ hard to figure out. This has been going on for 30 years; you’d think a person could know for sure, by now.
        And I’ve started to pay attention to whether I have a migraine after eating sugar and/or chocolate, which someone suggested may be a trigger.
        -Kate

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  9. I enjoyed all of this post especially Lily not liking the outside because it has to be zero bugs and no hotter than 70 degrees for me to enjoy the weather these days.

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  10. Holy crap this post was top quality! So many good lines!

    I totally want armistice donuts, and this line: Welcome to the stage Hy Drangea and Hare Glitter!

    Ded.

    I have no idea why outdoor cushions are the cost of a used car. For one summer my oldest worked at on of the big box hardware stores, and I told her to watch for sales on the outdoor cushions. They went 10 percent off, and then when it was time to pull them from the shelves because summer inventory rules and such, they THREW. THEM. AWAY. In a dumpster. It was their rule.
    My husband and I were all “where’s the dumpster?”
    It’s in a locked area behind the store with security cameras. But seriously, the dumpster the garbage man tips into his truck. Not donated, not stored, just dumped. Goshdang high dollar cushions 10 percent off then garbage. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

    Also, I’m sorry you had a migraine.

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  11. Sounds like a very nice and sweet weekend – despite the heat… Debbie told me it was very humid – It is still cold in the northland of AZ ridiculously so. I am going to Phoenix today to get warm.
    I think with Hobby Lobby – I know a lot of people protest their values – but honestly, they do not give a crap. If I want something cool that they sell, I just go. No amount of protests will shut them down anyway – just sayin’

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    • It might be a liability to have people dumpster diving for stuff. Stores fear internal theft too, employees discarding good stuff out there to retrieve later. I worked retail for a long time. There are so many ways to steal that I would never have thought of.

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  12. see this is why I’m devoted to June — “Sometimes I get these giant rushes of happy. Do you ever do that? Last night, sitting in my turquoise chair, singing to my weird dog about satellites, while fireflies lit the grass, was one of those times.”. Is there anybody more relatable than June? I think not. The sad thing about this is when I catch myself having these rare moments of sheer contentment that little voice says ” Don’t get cozy right now feeling all happy & SH*T ….it’ll be ripped away any second now.”

    I just re-read that last part and boy that’s sad. If I had a therapist I’d jot this down to bring up at our next session.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Lovely post, June. More than one of my “rush of happiness” moments involved being outside watching fireflies. To me, fireflies are as close to actual magic as the real world gets. Also, you do not have cankles. The internet is a lying asshole.

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  14. Lovely weekend. Except for migraine. Sitting outside with the pets are the best kind of moments in the summer.

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  15. OK, why everyone hating on Alabama? Hate on the legislators, that is fine but not the whole state. Not all of us are pleased with the outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My brother moved there with his second wife after she inherited her parent’s house. Free rent? HELL yeah, after crazy Jersey rent. They are not happy about this, I am certain. You can’t blame whole state’s populations.

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    • I hear the same shit about Texas all the time. We have shitty politicians. We have the death penalty. We don’t want anyone to cross our borders. And we have more than our share of idiots. But there are still plenty of us free-thinking trying to hold it together fun Texans. Quite a few of us here in June-landia and most of us named Lisa!

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  16. I hope your new cushions are better than mine. $80 a bloody set, sat on about 10 times, already crushing down. Crap. My 12 years old ones aren’t that squashed.

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  17. Glad your weekend was exciting. You know except for the migraine part. I’ve had a headache for about 2 weeks now. Allergies are a wonderful thing! As predicted my weekend was busy! Today I slept til 9:30 and expect to spend the day reading and avoiding people.

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  18. Yes, I do have bursts of happiness like that. Had one this past weekend as a matter of fact. Not surprised by it though as my bursts tend to happen when we finally get some decent weather, which also happened this past weekend.

    You know what I do when I go in a store like that? I touch everything I think I want – sometimes I even put items in ‘m cart. Then before I go to the checkout I stare hardly and realistically at things and put most of it back. But it was mine for a little bit, while I walked the aisles.

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  19. Lovely post, June. We don’t have an At Home, but we do have HomeGoods. Probably pretty much the same. I could stay in ours all day, too. I also like your new shower curtain and rug. Very cute. I don’t understand Hobby Lobby, not that I go there often. They’re basically expensive but always have 50 percent off a lot of merch (don’t hate me!). Why not just lower their prices? I hope Eds enjoyed your singing. Am glad you had a happy weekend.

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    • Here’s what’s sad. I think he’s losing his hearing. He used to know the moment I was awake. Even before I opened my eyes, he’d be LOOMING over me wagging his tail. Now I sometimes get all the way out of bed and he’s still snoring in his dog bed, with no clue I’m up.

      You should see him as soon as I say, “Edsel,” though. “O hullo! Edz totaleee up. Let Edz just, hang on. Hips stiff. But TOTLEE UP.”

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      • I sleep more and harder since I have aged. I don’t know about anyone else. I need more sleep now.
        My hearing is great .

        Liked by 1 person

      • He may be sleeping harder. When I get up in the morning, I walk within two feet of one of my dogs, and he doesn’t budge. He’s only five, but that boy can sleep.

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  20. I was going to add the part about the donuts, too, but I’d already spent my 3 comments. This whole post was wonderful.

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  21. What a privilege to carry/my purse to the paint aisle, there. Cracked me up. I can’t remember a single one of my cousins’s spouse’s names today but I remember every line of every Sunday School song I learned 60 years ago. Not that we sang about purses and paint aisles, but there you are.

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    • Remember that scene in Amityville Horror where that creepy little girl is singing What a Friend We Have in Jesus to the ghost? SON OF A BITCH.

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  22. Also, like, I hate to dictate what you should love about this post, but holiday donuts with Armistices on them. I mean, I eloped with myself over that one.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Loved Billy Bragg, the picture of beautiful Adventure Lily, that top you are wearing in your first photo, the bionic woman sound, the cushions and so so much more. This post left me with my own little happy feeling. I think I’ll go tell Alexa to play Dolly Parton and then Billy Bragg.
    Thank you for writing, June.

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  24. Love your shower curtain and Milhouse bed. Great post and busy weekend, in the heat. It’s too early to be this hot.

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  25. I have never heard of Billy Bragg, but that song is cool. So, now I’m going to check him out in more depth! Great post!

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  26. Ooooh, I love your new shower curtain/rug combo! Very cute! Those rushes of happy get less and less the older I get but occasionally (usually when I’m sitting on the deck on a nice night with the dog) they happen. Happy for yours!

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  27. Glad you had a fun weekend until the dreaded migraine. You inspired me to do something different this weekend so I enjoyed a garden tour on Saturday and a wildlife speaker on Sunday. From the wildlife speaker, I learned to place an ammonia-soaked sock in your attic to encourage squirrels and raccoons to leave. Of course, the smell may also permeate your house, making you want to leave, too.

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  28. I think we hate Hobby Lobby because they don’t want to have to offer their employees birth control. That whole “closely held” company dick rule they thought up that somehow they got agreement on. I’m with Paula, I am so into hating AL and the small dicks that make decisions there. Also, all the other states that are into that. I’m almost getting overwhelmed with all my hating of the small dick decision makers.

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    • There are things I love about Hobby Lobby but there are more things I detest: No Birth Control for employees, Closed on sundays for worship, and the lack of a F*cking barcode inventory system because I kid you not, the owner associates barcodes with the freaking mark of the beast. I only shop at Hobby Lobby when I need silk flowers for an arrangement, no other flowers seem to compete. Other than flowers I avoid Hobby Lobby like I avoid Walmart

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  29. I laughed so hard at Jesus is My Hobby Lobby that I had to stop reading to get myself under control!

    The rest of the post made me smile with happiness (except the migraine, because fuck migraines.)

    Tell Lily it gets better! My youngest child is 173 months old and on Friday I came home from work and put my feet up. All 3 kids fed themselves and kept themselves entertained. I don’t know or care what they did. (Now that I write it out, maybe I shouldn’t give advice!!)

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  30. I think we’re supposed to hate Hobby Lobby for a Chick-Fil-A reason. Either a religious thing or a homophobic thing or quite possibly, both. I don’t have a local Chick-Fil-A to hate. I am near a Hobby Lobby every other weekend, but I just hate them in general because their crap is crappier than AC Moore’s or Michael’s, not that I’m ever in a crafty mood. But anyway, I’m too busy hating Alabama at the moment. And all dental surgeons, but that hatred should pass as soon as these Advil kick in.

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  31. Love the colors for your patio and bathroom. Hobby Lobby is where I could wander for hours. Lovely post,June

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  32. It sounds like a lovely weekend! Can’t wait to see the new cushions!! They look so pretty! We either need new outdoor furniture or to spray paint our current furniture. We also need to have our house professionally power washed, new grill, deck railing replaced due to fire from grill that barely works anymore … home ownership – it’s never ending!

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  33. I love every minute of this post. You got so many things done and still had fun. Somehow I can’t manage to have both fun and accomplishment in the same weekend.

    And had it been me I’d have ripped open that protein bar as I was walking around the grocery store and paid later. Like I did with the protein donut (minus protein) on my own Saturday. Highlight of the day is what that was.

    Lovely post lovely CANKLESS June. The heifer who said that should have cankles that go all the way to her knees. Like my husband’s aunt Mary. So I know that’s a real thing.

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