June gets appendicitis, dies, rallies.

Yesterday afternoon I worked from home for myriad reasons, among them that I had intense thinking to do and I find that hard to do in my all-open, all the time, PBS-fundraiser-call-center open floor plan that’s open open open.

So I drove the six minutes and sat in my quiet den. I like having a den. It feels very lion-y. I got everything done a little after 5:00. I was about to send everything when I realized I’d copied one thing in Word over another thing in Word.

Naturally I called IT in a lather, because that’s what I do, and what they said is despite all of our deadlines being horrific and despite everything having to be perfect and despite having to retrieve our original documents from four or five different sites, despite having to know where to get it in the first place, then also having to know what your password is for all of those sites and where it is once you’re in the right site and

~HURRY!!~

be sure to also save everything while you’re working on it in something called Blox.

HURRY, IT’S DUE!

Then be sure to go to another site and record how much work you did and USE THE RIGHT JOB CODE DON’T STRESS OUT.

Okay. Thanks! I’ll…not do any of that. Or I will, and then totally completely stress out.

So I tried to recreate from my mind what I wrote in the first place, but at about 6:00, I gave up because I’d made myself sweaty and stressed, and got up from my chair.

Ow!

As you all know from your Big Book of June Events, I have hurt my back in yet another sports injury, because being an athlete is part of my very fiber. I simply must compete and push hard through the

Ow!

But when I got up from that chair after three harrowing hours of being athletic at a computer, it wasn’t just my back that hurt, it was my side.

OW!

Oh my god, it really hurt. As I am not one to make a fuss

!

I assumed it was just a stitch, but not the way I am a funny funny stitch. I walked about, feeding the dog, slopping the hogs, and so forth. As you also know from your BB of JE, I planted some daylilies this week (“They’re POISON to cats, Juuuuuuun!”) and my friend R told me to “water the shit out of them for 10 days.”

And that is why for the second time that day, I lugged the hose from the side of the house to the front of the house, Milhous chasing it all the way, and watered the shit out my daylilies.

When he got bored chasing the hose, Milhous peed right next to every place I watered. He squatted unceremoniously and haughtily glared at me each time.

OW! Oh my god, OW!

Am certain I was a picture out there, Milhous the Squatter, me bent at the waist saying “Ow!” like I was James Brown.

Eventually I hunched back to the hose holder on the side of my house, Milhous gripping every last inch of it while I tried to coil it back nicely. The people who lived here before were neatniks, man. They have this little contraption in the pantry so you can hang your brooms and another to hang your cleaning agents. They have a slidey-out thing under the sink so you can roll out the barrel and also the trash can. They even had, permanently mounted, a dustbuster from 1974 that I immediately broke.

They also have this hang-your-hose-neatly thing that I try to honor, but I hope they didn’t drive by last night to judge me because it was sort of loop, loop, loo—oh fuck it smash. I kind of just glommed the rest of the hose up there haphazardly because

OW, did I mention?

I usually like to sit in my back yard and admire fireflies in the evening, but instead I humped over to the bed and gingerly lay down on it like I’m Prince Harry. It dawned on me sometime between the hose put-up ceremony and the Notre Dame hunch back into the house that it might be my appendix.

“Oh, it’s not your appendix,” said the 1/18th of me that’s sensible. You know how you have to be some part Native American to get into school for free? The part of me that’s sensible isn’t enough to even get a partial scholarship.

“BUT WHAT IF IT IS AND IT BURSTS?” the rest of me asked, wringing its hands.

So I looked up the symptoms. I didn’t even know what side one’s appendix is on, but it turns out it’s the right side, same as my pain.

Unsensible me nodded knowingly.

Pain that’s worse if you press it and let it go.

“OW!” I James Browned, pressing and letting go.

It also mentioned fever, nausea and vomiting, and since I was wondering if a bowl of popcorn might make me feel better, I could write off those symptoms.

The pain was the kind where if you try to move you have to kind of scream a little. Which I did, and every time I did, all the animals rolled their eyes. You know how Snow White had all those helpful animals who dried the dishes with their tails and so on? She gets that; I get a pack of dicks.

It occurred to me I could call someone for help, but who? The Poet lives close by, but she was entertaining family and I didn’t know if they were gone. R, my neighbor, was on the next block, but did I know her well enough to burst an appendix in front of her?

Finally I decided if it got really bad, I’d drive the mile to the ER my own damn self. But I really didn’t want to go there and sit in a waiting room and catch ebola if I didn’t really have anything wrong with me. Plus isn’t it like $20,000 to go to the ER?

After looking at every website on appendicitis (they all say the same thing, by the way. Next time yours bursts, just look at one and move on), I had an idea. I forced myself off the bed and hunched over to the cabinet where my antacid lives.

I took two.

I laid back down.

And in about 20 minutes, my appendicitis was miraculously cured.

The end.

Love,
June

P.S. I totally forgot: Lottie Blanco got her dog’s DNA back. Her “Corgi’s” DNA back.

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50 thoughts on “June gets appendicitis, dies, rallies.

  1. Lie down gingerly like Harry was my favorite line.
    I’m glad you’re ok, but it pisses me off when stuff like that happens to me. If I’m going to be in a lot of pain, I want it to be something dramatic! (But also not deadly)

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  2. Happy to hear you survived your appendicitis yesterday and hope you didn’t have a relapse during the night. Love seeing your pets and Lottie Blanco’s dog.

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  3. Love you comparing yourself to snow white with helpful animals and yours are dicks. Hilarious. Glad you are gonna make it. Sorry about the work doc. Oh how I hate messing up computer-ish things.

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  4. Two years ago I had similar symptoms on the right side, with a fever over 102, turns out…. diverticulitis not in the normal location and they thought it was a possible gallbladder issue. White blood count 3x what it should be, spent 3 days in the hospital on IV antibiotics. Now eating fiber every day. Oy.

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  5. That dog is adorable. I can’t get past the sheep dog head with the dashound body. I’m glad your appendix healed its self !

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  6. whew So glad you are ok! I think that there is so much stuff on the internet about symptoms – that is all gets very scary!
    Stay well!
    Those DNA results are hilarious! Especially the 62.2% Shetland Sheepdog! Seriously? Look at those tiny little stubby legs! He is sweet as can be though!

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  7. Things like that are truly scary and you really don’t know what you should do, but so glad it did not continue to get worse. I have never had a job where working from home was an option but I think I would fail at it because all I would do was look in the refrigerator every five minutes.

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  8. James Brown! Also, too, and plus, I am beginning to doubt the accuracy of the doggie DNA test. Edsel is clearly a Carolina dog and that little pup up there has to have Corgi in there somewhere. I know Dachshunds have short legs but still.

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      • I know nothing about dog breeds, but I know something about how they do correlation between genetic markers for human ancestry, and it is *terrifically* bad (like, really amazingly bad)(the paternity test kind: good; the “how much Irish/Pocahantas are you”: bad).

        And I sort of suspect that the doggy version isn’t better, although at least we *have* purebred dogs, to some degree. So there is that: it is not plain “science” – it is substantially interpretive. Which doesn’t mean it isn’t fun! Or potentially correct! Just… if they correlate genetic bits to the wrong species (or just correlate the wrong genetic bits to a species – like the genetic marker that actually says what size the dog’s left kidney is going to be, not the bit that differentiates between dog species), then they’ll report incorrectly and present it as Science and therefore Right, and actually… eh.

        But! Can still be fun! 🙂

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        • Now envisioning the results secretly produced by young and feckless underlings on the night shift just the way they create quizzes on Buzzfeed: “Tell us your dog’s five favorite movies and we’ll tell you what his DNA says!”

          Liked by 2 people

  9. So glad you’re not dead! And way to Miracle Max it with an antacid. Pretty brilliant of you. ER charges are no joke.

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  10. My lower back pain is often a urinary tract infection. I know that if pain med doesn’t do anything for it, then I start with the UTI over the counter meds and it clears right up (while turning my pee orange). Glad you are doing better!

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    • Bamacarol, I recently learned of a miracle drug for the UTI that you get at the health food store called D-Mannose. Turns out it is the main ingredient in cranberry that helps. Just take a couple of those and you will be right as rain. No orange side effects.

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  11. Lovely post, Coot. Glad you’re better.

    I too work better from home, but I also get terribly distracted. I have to do all the things before I can sit down to work. Dishes must be done, dust bunnies herded and coraled, clothes ironed and put away, bed made, toilet clean, you get the idea. Unfortunately, by the time all these things are done, it is time to go to bed.

    P.S. Next time call someone. My best friend thought she had a little gas pain turned out her colon ruptured and she ended up 2 weeks in ICU. Now that I’ve planted that little seed, your colon is not ruptured.

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  12. Kit’s story will haunt me.

    Glad you survived June. And please do call The Poet next time. Sounds like she’s dealing with her own pain over there.

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  13. In my experience, lower back pain nerves like to mix it up with lower abdomen pain nerves.

    Next time you have appendicitis, please give me a call, even if I have guests. Especially if the guest is Mr. The Poet’s big brother.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. I am so relieved that you lived to tell this tale.

    I also get A LOT more work done at home than at work. I am too curious about whatever is going on near me. I eavesdrop, and have to look to see who is walking by…and I have my own office! I don’t know how you do it!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  15. I’m so glad it wasn’t your appendix!
    I wish I was one of those neat people that kept everything nice and put away all the time.
    Paula’s fart story made me giggle!

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  16. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all the problems. The work issue made me nervous. The pain issues… I have been there, it’s not fun! You are an amazing writer, because I was giggling through this entire post, inspite of the fact you were dealing with all these problems.
    Tee

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  17. I took myself to the ER for “some kind of heart issue.” Wasn’t even my heart or anxiety or anything. So I spent my deductible to hear that my sodium was kind of low and nothing else is wrong with me. Next time I’ll try an antacid.

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  18. So glad you’re okay! Here’s my horror story;
    When mine burst, I was in excruciating pain all night and drove myself to the urgent care (near you), in the morning. They said I just had gas. 25 days later, and visits with multiple doctors, one was finally smart enough to tell me my appendix had burst and I needed surgery immediately to remove it. Luckily it had dried up into a tiny prune and hidden behind various other organs.
    After 4 days in the hospital I went home and two days later ended up back in the ER with a collapsed lung and another 5 days of draining fluids and stuff. The hospital never charged me for their mistakes, and I spent a month hauling around a breathing machine. It was a miserable summer for sure, and it all started on Memorial weekend.

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    • Similar story, five years ago or so I had chest pain and went to urgent care. They told me that I had acid reflux and gave me some antacid. Over the next few days the pain was getting worse, and I called the advice nurse, telling her that the Ibuprofen I was taking wasn’t working anymore. She freaked out and told me not to take that because it makes acid reflux worse. The next morning I couldn’t stand it anymore and went to the ER. Apparently, I had been having a heart attack the whole time. Oh boy, was I mad.

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  19. I have heard a study that says open floor plan offices are bad for production.
    Can you imagine that.
    Now , let me go write that study to make it sound professional .

    I cannot concentrate and give my full attention to a thing , when someone is always stopping me or commenting about something to me. Then I can’t get into the project fully expecting someone to speak. Goodness.

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      • When I had a special project I always requested to work from home because I could not concentrate with all the noise and chatter around me. I was so distracted and I was in a cubicle. I had reports that had to be done and I would put up a Do Not Disturb sign that was constantly IGNORED!!!

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        • I once had a person wave in front of my face, between me and my computer, when I had headphones on. I took them off. “What’s going on?” I asked, alarmed.

          “How you doing?” she asked.

          SHE JUST WANTED TO CHAT. I don’t know how much more you can say, “I do not wish to be bothered” but apparently she didn’t speak that language.

          She’s dead now.

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    • When I was in my 20s, I was working at a pharmaceutical research company and we were balls deep in preparing a submission to the FDA and I asked my boss if I could change my work hours from 8-5 to 7- 4 so that I could get more done and she said yes. I got more work done in that one hour when I was the only one in the office than I did the rest of the day. It was glorious. Sadly, about a month or so later, someone bitched about me leaving “early” even though I’d put in a full day and I had to go back to “regular” hours and productivity dropped and they didn’t understand why. Uh, because I was being interrupted every 5 minutes. Of course, this was the same company that demoted me because I didn’t have a college degree. No, my position didn’t require one but new management was all about status and titles and everyone who did have a college degree was required to sign their correspondence with their name and degree: Sincerely, Jane Smith, B.A. Those of us who were just plain schlubs were demoted to drone positions and eventually let go. Yeah, that company went belly up a few years later so HA!

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  20. I am glad you were able to fight off the burst appendix. What a trooper you are! Also, how do people even know that day lilies and poinsettias, etc are poisonous to cats? I have had cats and plants my whole life and never have I seen a cat give one shit about any kind of plant other than to use the dirt as litter.

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  21. Amazing what a Rolaid can cure. Oh, that reminds me. Years (and years and years) ago, the Rolaids commercial had a tag line: “How do you spell ‘relief?'” My father, every single time the commercial was on, would grumble under his breath, “F.A.R.T.” (Or sometimes he would bellow it, since this was after my mother had changed his diet to be more healthy and farting was rare. I think he missed the trumpeting sounds he used to make.) Anyway, there’s a little glimpse into the class at my childhood home. You’re welcome.

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  22. I think you’d be in more pain with either appendix or gallbladder. Had both taken out at 17 — hey, fun Thanksgiving! But, it can start with some waves of symptoms, that ebb, and worsen. Often the appendix thing starts on your lower left side, moves up and over, and down to the lower right. On the up side, I got a two for one, and as a minor, it was on my parent’s insurance. Good to have a friend be the driver.

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  23. Juan- I wonder. Could it be your gallbladder? If my pain isn’t off the charts and there aren’t other symptoms occurring, I can usually stop a gallbladder issue with some Tums and perhaps a Gas-X. No advice, just curious.
    Or maybe you were out munching on the lilies? They might be poison to you, too, Jooooooon.

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  24. I am so glad you did not die. When I had appendicitis, my husband was positive I was just constipated and the ER would give me a laxative and send us on our way, since we had plans for a getaway weekend. I think he’s still mad I ruined that.
    Lovely post, June!

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  25. I’m going to gingerly leave a comment like Harry and thank the lord you are okay ! Lovely hilarious post with happy ending June.

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