June’s blog. Now with animal pics!

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Dog-tail blur in foreground

Do I even want to know why the cat bed has been murdered and dragged to the den while Edsel and I were sleeping? The pad for said bed is over by the back door. The cats went on some kind of bender last night.

Anyway, hello. I didn’t write you yesterday because I slept badly–LILY–and didn’t drag self out of bed till absolutely necessary and then stood sleepily in shower and drove robotically to work. Don’t you hate days like that? When you’re so tired and you have to go to work like an adult anyway?

I remember my grandmother being in charge of me once and I had a bad cold and was on my way to a stellar ear infection that I still recall. She MADE me go to school anyway. I kept trying to tell her how bad I really felt, not to mention how contagious I probably was, but she wasn’t hearing it.

Eventually, I had to get a prescription for the bad purple syrup AND the horrible pink syrup. But that day I just had to go to school.

That’s what I did to myself yesterday after no sleep. I Grammy’d myself to work.

She kept head-butting me all night. Lily did, I mean. Not my grandmother when I was 16. I might have called social services over that. That damn Lily needs. That’s it. She just NEEDS. I’d fall back to sleep and BUTT on my hand or my face or my soul.

Finally, at some point, I threw her out, after removing all 16 of her claws from the bed as she clung on desperately. “no! lillee need to but!” But when I did that, MILHOUS sneaked in without me seeing, and just as I fell asleep he ZOOMED across my body and that is when I got up, drove everyone out to the country, and left them there.

Then they all found their way home like a Disney movie and I opened my front door to their shiny faces on the stoop and I beat them all with shovels the end.

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YOU UP, LILY? YOU UP???

Last night, when Lily had the nerve to try to catch up on her rest, I kept nudging her and poking at her. She purred. Goddammit.

Anyway. So I worked a full day, had to go to the post office at noon which is always relaxing, and then after work I had the trainer. “Were you sore last time?” she asked me, and I assured her I wasn’t.

See. That was a mistake.

After an hour of balancing on a ball like a seal and lunging like I was proposing to 78 different people, the hour was finally over and I was able to give my full attention to Otis, which is why I’m going there twice a week, really.

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Oh Tiss haff dignitee

I don’t know why all my photos today are me clear as a bell and the animals are fuzzy, but that is our party theme and we’re sticking to it. Drink your punch.

“You haven’t met Rosie yet,” said my trainer, who then called out, wait for it, “Rosie!”

I expected a robot maid, but in fact a much smaller, much livelier dog emerged. She was black and white and she was a muffin.

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HULLO I BE ROSYY I MOVE ABOUT SO HEMLO HEMLO HEMLO!

I like dogs.

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Pear with Milhous.

Remember back when all the hilarity on this blog was my lack of photo skills? It’s like we’re having retro day or something. My tree in the back is flush with pears that aren’t ready yet, and it’s like when something smells really good in the oven and your mom is all, “It’s not ready yet. Go back and watch Mr. Rogers.” I’m over here watching Mr. Rogers but feeling up pears in my mind. How do you know when they’re ready to pick?

“I’ve got a pear to pick with you.” Bah.

Perhaps I’m not quite caught up on m’sleep.

Oh! And while I have you all here, suffering through my pear jokes, do you know what I did? I deleted all three of my dating apps. First of all, men annoy me. To wit: I chatted with one guy for a few days. Each day he told me about some live music event he’d gone to, and I knew I was going to hate him once we became a couple and he wanted to go to live music every day. He’d show up on my stoop and I’d beat him with a shovel.

Dear men: Just feel actual emotions and you don’t have to be so obsessed with music.

So that was annoying, but then this weekend he said, “What’d you do today?” and I wrote, “I bought a new car” and he

WROTE ABOUT THE LIVE MUSIC HE HAD SEEN THE NIGHT BEFORE.

So I responded to what he said, like a person who knows how to conduct a conversation, and finished with, “I like how ‘bought a car’ didn’t warrant a response at all.” He was all, “Oh my god, you’re right, I’ve made it all about me, hah. *spontaneously* So tell me about your car!”

See? That was funny. So I kept writing that day.

Then the next day he wrote again and I answered for a few rounds, then said, “Well, I just walked in the door and need to feed the dog and make something to eat.”

This was true. I’d had to return something at a store (a new button for m’phone. It absolutely would not stick to said phone), and then afterward I’m afraid I drove all through the rich neighborhood with my top down. On my car. I didn’t drive around topless through the rich neighborhood, although this is not, you know beyond me or anything. So it was after 7 and I’d yet to do my evening things and here was this person on my phone. Head-butting me with texts.

“Boooooo,” he wrote. “Fuck that.” And then proceeded to write six more texts. Boom boom boom, right in a row. Mostly about the live music he was going to see that night.

And right then I knew. This was annoying. I text endlessly with these men and then we go out and they don’t like me or I don’t like them and it was a waste of everyone’s time and then I get back on and meet a different man and the same thing happens again. Meanwhile, I gotta talk to people when I don’t want to; I just want to live my life. I’m sick of auditioning for these stupid men who write things like, “Looking for someone with a nice smile and a proportionate BMI.”

So I deleted everything. And while I was writing you this just now, an actual text came through from some yahoo I gave my real number to. It flashed across my screen while I was tryina think. “GOOD MORNING, JUNE. [Insert banter here.]”

Ugh.

I’m not saying I never want romance ever again. But if I do, I’d rather meet someone the old-fashioned way, like drunk at a bar or by stealing someone’s husband.

I’d better get to work and copy edit things. Maybe snap a photo of an animal. That sort of thing.

XO,
Topless June

75 thoughts on “June’s blog. Now with animal pics!

  1. Late to the party, but I’ll throw in.
    I’ve been married forever, but my mom tried to find a new man back in the days before internet, when people wrote actual letters. She would meet men through the classifieds. The column was called “Find a Friend”
    Man #1 – she married, turned out he was a bigamist. Annulled. He was a total creep.
    Man #2 – she dated a long time, due to Man #1, we looked up records on #2 and found out he had pending criminal charges for beating his wife to death. They were both drunk. Being pretty old, he took some type of plea deal and got minimal jail time and told my mom he’d given up drinking. She stood by him and they kept dating. But he didn’t want to ever marry again and my mom did. So they split. He wasn’t a bad guy, actually. He kept taking care of my mom’s grass and such after they split.
    Man #3 – did want to get married, married my mom and moved her 150 miles away from her whole family and expected her to obey everything he said. He’d been divorced a couple of times, big surprise. When my mom got dementia, he packed her things and sent her to me.
    I’m kind of down on the world today.

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  2. Love the pictures, the new car and I beat them all with shovels ….

    So after text text text we finally go on a date – so he orders a well done steak – gets it rare – when asked says nothing and just eats around the edges pushing around on his plate – OMFG say something this is not what you ordered….then the kicker telling me his road trip story with his DAD – awww – how sweet – but then charged his DAD gas money – yep we are not a match

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  3. eek dating sites! I am amazed that people have any luck with them But, my daughter did indeed meet and marry someone from one. They dated for 3 or 4 years and now married for close to 3. So… who knows. They seem happy. But – I am a therapist. I have counseled several couples who met that way… and they were long distance – they were getting divorced…. sigh. What are the odds? I agree with June. Would rather meet them somewhere else – maybe not a drunk but I do meet a lot of men in the grocery store! Never dated one – They are kind of – well you know… This guy came up to me when I was looking at chicken thighs and started this sparkling convo – he said….”So what do you think?”
    I think I will just enjoy my single life!

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  4. I think online dating has pretty much ruined romance. One of my daughters made a good match (but she connected with her now husband because a friend of hers knew him, knew they would be a good match, and pointed him out on whatever site they were both on), but my other (who decided at 38 she needed to spend the year saying “yes” to everyone who asked her out) has had a terrible year. Not one but two men (and I use the word lightly) that she thought she liked very much have both turned out to be big fat liars. Like lied about a dead wife lies. Ugh. So depressing.

    ANYWAY! Lovely post June!

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  5. I have always thought that the worst part of app dating would be all that talking before you actually meet. Seems like a lot of emotional energy spent. When I met people there is either that kind of chemistry or there isn’t. Sometimes the chemistry came along with a lot that wasn’t right in a lot of other areas, but the chemistry part sure was fun for a bit! I love all the pics today!

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  6. Have you named your adorable car yet? It’s important to have a name so you can shout encouragement during times of driving stress (snowstorms, rainstorms, big hills, tight parking spots).

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  7. This post was SO. GOOD. Then the comments made it even better!

    I am jealous of your use of portrait mode because every time I put my phone on portrait mode for the animals it says it “can’t detect a face” and won’t do it. And EVERY time I mutter “I’ve seen Edsel in portrait mode, why does this not work?”

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  8. Oy with the online dating. What a bunch of shitheads. I have settled – for now – on one guy because he is decent, but I am exhausted all the time from the compromising and arguing. I am not going to apologize for being intelligent and positive. Jeez with these jerks.

    I have terrible new-car-envy! Congratulations, my dear!

    I love Rosie and Otis. And Lily, Iris, Milhous and Edz, of course!

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  9. So, my girlfriends keep telling me to get to a grief group if I want to meet a man. Ill probably need the grief group if I do that.

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  10. I love your new car!! I am also insanely jealous. I just traded in my Mustang convertible for a SUV. I loved that car especially how fast it was. Also, I agree with the whole dating thing. I recently spent time with an acquaintance who lost his daughter to a drug overdose. His wife completely fell apart and died of a stroke soon after. A mutual friend invited both of us to dinner at her home. When dinner started I thought I should give him my number and tell him to give me a call sometime. By the time the evening ended I was thinking OMG I might actually have to go out with him. Needless to say I never gave him my number.

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  11. This discourages me. I have two adult children at home. One has only recently stuck his toe into the online dating scene and it isn’t going as well as I, or he, had hoped. The other is fresh out of a seven year relationship because the boyfriend needed to find himself and so announced a break. Even his own family isn’t speaking to him over this. So I am not encouraged that either of my kids will find new love easily.

    Which leads me to something I need to be talked out of and it’s only because I posted the above that I realize the connection. I desperately want to add to the animal population Chez H&B, which is ABSURD (current count: one dog, two cats). I do not NEED anyone else looking at me for food, guidance, etc. Plus we will go on vacation this summer and if I add to the zoo now, that’s four more paws to get boarded. I already have two cats that hate each other, causing one to hide at least 23 hours a day. The greyhound is a senior and it’s not really fair to bring a new dog in (although when our Golden was dying we got a kitten and I swear it prolonged that dog’s life by six months at least). I know this is not a smart thing, but I am window-shopping on all the rescue sights. Apparently since we lost my daughter’s boyfriend, I’m trying to replace him with something more loyal. The bastard.

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    • That boyfriend went away? Didn’t he practically LIVE over at your beige house of beige?

      You know I am the wrong person to ask about getting a new pet, as my answer will always be yes unless your whole house has cat poop on the floor and pets with mange. And even then I might be, Well, one more guinea pig won’t hurt.

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      • Yes he did practically live at House of Beige. She is actually handling it pretty well, considering it was SEVEN YEARS and he sent her an EMAIL. Only one small step up from a post-it. That piece of fecal matter.

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        • HE SENT HER AN EMAIL?

          He may come back. I read Men Are From Bars, Women Are From Venus enough times to know. But does he deserve her after an EMAIL BREAKUP AFTER 7 YEARS? I’m way too invested in this now.

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          • Yes. An email. At work, the day after her birthday. Shithead. I think he may come back, from things I’ve heard he has said (jackass) but she absolutely will not make it easy for him, if she takes him back at all.

            Didn’t mean to hijack your comments or your not-blog.

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              • Maybe not to everyone!! But she got him out of a dead-end job and back to school to pursue a medical technician degree. She helped him through every class (he’s on the dean’s list for the first time in his life); he has maybe another year to go. JERK. She helped him finance his cars AND made his parents sign an agreement that they would pay her back if he didn’t. She is getting close to repo-ing those vehicles. Heh.

                Shortly after they got together, she and I went out to dinner with his mother and sister. When she was away from the table, they both leaned over, grabbed my arm and said, “When he messes this up, and he will, we want to keep her.” His family loves her, she was a bridesmaid in his sister’s wedding. They are not pleased with him. Nor am I.

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          • I’m letting my daughter handle it. We all want to murder him, but we trust her to make him suffer.

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            • You know what he’s doing? He’s Prince Williaming the situation. Remember when he was all I’m the future king, surely there are other women to bang beyond old perfect Kate, here, and then she started going out in short skirts and he was all WHOA WHOA WHOA, I say old chap Kate’s getting dickered or however they say it in British and then MOTHERFUCKER CAME BACK and he’s future king so she said okay.

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    • I too am riveted! That turd.

      My sister’s boyfriend broke up with her after five years. Are you sure about this relationship? Are you sure you want to move in together? Express even 1% doubt and I can delay telling my parents about us? He promised yes, yes, yes, he was sure. Waited until she got out of the lease for her flat before it became ‘too real’. Told her he’d never been sure about commitment but if he’d said that she might have walked away! He couldn’t have had her making an informed decision could he? Uuurgh. It’s been over a year and I still want to slap him upside the head.

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    • This totally replaces the CoW soap opera. You simply must keep us all informed. 7 years. Cheezus Christ on a cracker. That’s a helluva long time to be with someone without a commitment. I know someone who was with the same girl for 10 years. Wouldn’t marry her. She became a neurotic mess because she loved him so much and he wouldn’t marry her. So she grew some ovaries and dumped him, thinking this would be a wake-up call. It was. He got married a year later. To someone else.

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        • I think the tout suite time has passed. I also think if he gets married, it has to be to someone with low self-esteem. And even then, would it last?

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  12. I do not envy your dating dilemas. If I had not married my brother’s best friend – I wonder if I would be dealing with all those apps and left and right swiping. Yuck. Don’t envy you.

    God help anyone or anything that messes with my sleep! I hate those foggy days after a sleepless night.

    Your new car sounds so fun!

    I too heard about that study about single women without children being happiest. Enjoy that!

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  13. “…I’d rather meet someone the old-fashioned way, like drunk at a bar or by stealing someone’s husband.” [Snort laughing] All you single ladies, I feel for you. I’ve been told by friends there is not much to choose from in the way of mature/older men, as one friend put it, they are either broke financially or mentally. One friend was engaged with a ring and a date and figured out she could not afford to support future husband on her retirement. She gave him the ring back and cancelled the date.

    Rosie! She looks like a great dog, so does Otis, but Rosie looks like she is really special. Cats can be so annoying. Trudy, my cat, is the best sleeper we have ever had, she was so happy to be on the bed (all stretched out taking up ALL the space), until 5:30 AM and she comes over and flops herself down next to me purr, purr, purring wanting her head scratched, then she jumps down and wants to be fed. If we TRY to ignore her she will start acting up until we serve her. THEN she wants to go out and if I don’t get up AGAIN, she will walk around meowing until we let her out. At least she sleeps most of the night, unlike my cats, fmr., who thought the least bit of movement (turnover or move my foot) was their signal to start with the romping for the rest of the night. That usually got them thrown outside, then they would sleep all.day.long.
    Tee

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  14. I love to wake up my cat during the day. My son thought I was mean until the cat started getting him up in the middle of the night to go outside. I was happy to hand over that torch and now I let him sleep all day.

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  15. Yes! The endless texting is so annoying! It’s sich a waste of time! I have a friend that does that too, she wants to have text conversations all damn day long about nothing. I don’t have time for that, especially when there’s no substance to the conversation. It’s like you said, I like to live my life, I don’t want to spend all day typing on the phone about nothing. What a waste of time that is!
    The pictures today were so funny, especially the pear one !
    Thank you for continuing to write your blog, it truly brings me so much joy!

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  16. Now I’m annoyed by these yocals annoying you.
    Maybe Lily has flashbacks to her mysterious walkabout and needs you for reassurance, but what do I know? Your trainer’s two dogs! What a nice incentive for your workouts.

    Lovely post, lovely June.

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  17. Your new car is so forkin cute! How could he not gab about car, ask for photos, etc? I’m a complete stranger to u & I was talking about yr cute new car to friends. So like numerous complete strangers could not shut up about yr new car, but your Potential Love Interest had no interest in it? Wah? Insane. Sorry dating is a pill. Does make for wonderbarr blog content though.

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  18. Well I don’t have kids but I am married with step-children so I wonder where that puts me on the happiness and life-expectancy chart. I love your tales of the dating world, it takes me back to before I was married and was on dating sites and met one guy who was promising in our conversations but then had black teeth. I don’t want to come off judgy, I just wish to have known this and another guy showed up with a hook for a hand. Again, would have liked a heads or I mean hand up on that one.

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  19. Don’t forget the completely natural plot in meeting of a man and communicating with them from your mailbox!
    *poke* “purr” 《sighing because it was meant to be annoying》 *beast laughs*

    Lovely post, pretty June!

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  20. I live in Nashville where music isn’t only their lives but their dreams. After you meet approx. 75 men who are chasing their music dream whilst wearing rock star jeans and a hemp necklace, you hate musicians. I actually reached that point after meeting two, but whatever. I’m a woman before my time.

    I find men exhausting. I think I’d like to marry one that I’m friends with. One day after being really great friends for a while we decide to make out and that’s all she wrote. But maybe I should find those friends first.

    Congratulations on your car! You are supposed to relish in it by driving it with the top down in swanky neighborhoods. Otherwise, why buy it?

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  21. Thank you for the pet photos. It’s always a pleasure to see your posse.

    I have a needy dog. Some days I’d like to put his 100 pound ass on a Greyhound and send him straight to the glue factory. *Disclaimer* – I would never.

    Congratulations on your new car!

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  22. I very distinctly remember one night when our cat had kept us awake all night. In the morning I told my boyfriend, “If you see that cat sleeping today, poke her until she wakes up. All day. Any time she’s asleep.”

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  23. While listening to the radio last week, they were talking about a new study which concludes that the happiest people in the world are single women with no children! They also live longer and are healthier. Interesting, huh?

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  24. The live music they listen too is OLD too. Cover bands playing “Skynard” or some other band where most of the members are either dead or on Medicare. They hop on the midlife crisis motorcycle to said bands.

    I love what you wrote about auditioning! It’s so true. I feel like I’m supposed to prove myself to these guys that don’t have their shit together and can’t even put on clean clothes and shave before meeting up. Blahhh. And they are all hung up on women’s weight and they haven’t seen their feet past their stomach since “Skynard” members were all living

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  25. Yeah, that “music is my life” has already been done.
    Your new car may be the key to bringing all the right boys to your yard.

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