I got home last night, opened my suitcase and put away only the necessary things. I know Faithful Reader Paula H&B comes home and immediately unpacks her entire bag, but FR Paula is a psychopath. Or at least a psycho walkway. Maybe not an entire path.
Still. Unpacking as soon as you get home? What the hell is wrong with her? I picture her insides incessantly being pulled by 20 mules, driving her relentlessly to the next thing. Whereas mine has one really old tired mule kind of meandering dementia-ly to whatever.
Anyway, I just now plugged in my phone to my computer, which was turned off when I arrived home. We apparently had a storm while I was gone, as the time was blinking on my microwave and there were giant branches down in the back yard. Maybe King Kong came through. Microwaved him a burrito then got mad at the machine.
My point is, now that they’re all loaded, it appears that I apparently took like 300 pictures on my trip. I feel like I showed a bunch to you, but let me just show you the ones I think I haven’t, and then we will never speak of my vacation again.
…Also? I have some confusion about, Did I show this on social media or my damn blog? Who can recall? I did everything half-distractedly all last week because I didn’t have the quiet and/or the time I have here. The point is, if you’re my social media friend you may have seen these already and I am sorry.
On our way home, we went back to the hotel I always stay at in West Virginia. I took Edsel out to lift his leg on the really nice foliage they plant at the side of the entryway and I am certain they adore me. On our way back in, there was a man standing at the elevators. The elevator doors opened and a child was in there. She giggled, and the doors shut again.
“Oh!” I said, or I might have said, “Ope,” the interjection of the Midwest.
“She really likes the elevators. You don’t mind, do you?” he asked. There was a scene like this in Sex and the City, and Miranda DID mind, as did I. I live in fear of running into another dog at the hotel, and all barking in the land being heard on all five floors.
When the doors opened again, I got on the elevator. No time for nonsense.
“She wants to push the button for you,” the dad announced. And really, how am I to know he was the dad? Maybe he’d kidnapped her, decided she was annoying, and was letting others have a grab at her. In any event, I got on the elevator, said, “Five, please,” and when she pushed the button she said, “I want to go to five.”
Okay, honey??? Okay?? How do you know I’m not Dee Molester, of the Coney Island Molesters? How do you know I’m not Cruella DeVille, which let’s face it, I kind of am. I thought parents were helicoptering these days. This guy just threw her into the blades.
CAN I PET YOUR DOGGIE
She was not a quiet child. She was cute. Full head of curls, blonde. To Edsel, she looked delicious.
“My dog is very shy,” I said, as if that weren’t obvious given that he’d lassoed around me with his leash. “He can’t get pets because he’s shy.”
HE’LL LIKE ME, she said, literally jumping up and down in the car. Five floors couldn’t go fast enough.
With her screeching and her jumping, Edsel was in a lather. She kept trying to peek around my legs at him and touch him, and I could just picture the elevator door opening back in the lobby full of blood like in The Shining.
“You really can’t pet him,” I said, firmly. I was, for the first time, worried Edsel would bite a person. He was petrified.
Fortunately, we got off the elevator then and the child BEGAN TO FOLLOW US and that is why I have her held for ransom to pay for my fence. Holy cats, with that child. “Goodbye,” I said to her, with the warmth of the Wicked Queen. Which let’s face it, I kind of am.
And that’s that story.
Also, I don’t think I told you that when I was back, I got up with my friend Dottie from college. Dottie always had critters. She was forever finding baby raccoons and nursing them back to health, or walking about a kegger with a raven on her forearm or what have you.
We met at Bronner’s, which is I think the world’s largest Christmas store. Here are some of the nice things we saw…
Ack–I’m having trouble loading photos, and now I have to go to work. This means I’ll show you our Christmas pictures tomorrow, and you know how I said I’d never speak of my vacation again? I apparently lied.
Ding dang it. Just as soon as I gave up, the nice Christian Fourth of July Christmas Tulip extravaganza display finally loaded. I feel like WordPress was all, “This is too tacky to load.” But yet here it is. Anyway it gives you some idea of the wonderful things we found at the Christmas store, so you have THAT to look forward to.
Your pal and mine,