I find weekends depressing lately, and I find holidays depressing-er. I’m like Lone Wolf Woman, of the Elderly Lone Wolves, and I’m not sure when this happened but I believe it was somewhere between divorce and failed follow-up relationship.
Anyway, I’m glad this long 100 Years of Solitude just-me sans-friends weekend is coming to a close. For it’s not quite done yet: I’m writing you on Sunday night. I’ve got an early dentist appointment Monday morning so I’m blogging now.
Also, I want you all to think good toothbrush thoughts for me.
When I get my dental cleaning, I base the quality of my next six months on the color of the free toothbrush they give me, a toothbrush neither I or anyone else uses anymore because we all use electric toothbrushes. Now, a dentist who gives you a free Sonicare each cleaning, that’d be a good dentist right there.
Anyway, last time they gave me a LAVENDER-colored toothbrush, and I thought that boded well for my future, but let’s face it, the last six months have been “eh” at best. Despite that, I’d still be delighted with a lavender, or a pink. If I get a green or a blue, that’s neutral. A yellow or an orange, the next six months will suck.
I’ll report back directly so it doesn’t weigh on your mind.
Anyway, here’s what I did on my dull alone Friendless Jo Jackson weekend.
Faithful Reader Paula H&B subscribed me to Highlights Magazine this year, and it almost always arrives on Saturday, which is perfect for me because then I can read it cover to cover because Lone Wolf. This month, they included story problems that can BITE MY ASS, and please note I got the BONUS! question wrong, a BONUS! question that can also bite my ass. I did appreciate the names of the copy shop guests, and by the way, who goes to copy shops anymore?
Also, on a shocking note, there were kittens:
One thing I did this weekend was go to Whole Foods, where I bought some strawberry fizzy water because you know I like that. The checkout guy was chatting up the woman ahead of me, and he was literally hovering her items over the scanner, motionless, while he asked her questions about her life. Hovering. Meanwhile, my temper was hovering. I’m carrying a case of strawberry fizzy water and it’s getting heavier by the minute while he’s a hovercraft, over there. Finally, sweat forming along my cerebral membrane, I looked at the guy behind me meaningfully, like, Can you believe this bullshit?
But the guy behind me sort of didn’t take the bait. I was dangling the bait, along with 12 fizzy strawberry waters that apparently came “Now in 50-pound cans!” But no.
Then it was my turn. The ball has dropped in Times Square and welcome 2020, but it was my turn. As I was finally buying m’cans, the checkout guy looked at the guy behind me in line, Norman Baitless, and he was all, “Heyyyy!”
They were friends. And I had given the friend the “Can you believe this asshole?” look.
I can never go back to Whole Foods again, which is fine because Whole Foods is a pretentious fuck who can bite my ass, but anyway.
I was lugging my fizzy water, all apparently 992 cans of it, so heavy did it feel at this point, it ain’t heavy, it’s my water, when some good-looking dude approached me on the way out the door.
“….oh, hi!” I said, faking it. I’ll have what she’s having.
The thing is, I knew I knew him, and finally I decided I knew him from Tinder, but what I honest to god could not recall is if I had actually gone on a date with him or just looked at his photos. That’s when you know you’re over-Tindering.
Also, we had a huge thunderstorm this weekend, and Edsel and I were looking out at it from the back of the house when
That’s what it sounded like, PAM!, which, apologies to my mother, who is similarly named Pam, but not PAM! like her name is an onomatopoeia.
“Oh!” I said, post-PAM!.
“Edsel nebber leeve mom syde,” Edsel said. And he didn’t. He was four inches or fewer from me the rest of the day.
At first I thought it was thunder, but then it occurred to me it was a transformer, but not like those movies that I have no idea what they’re about.
And I was right. Awhile later, my neighbor and I were talking about the giant
and I offered my theory about it being a transformer, and just then the cutest Duke Energy man drove up and said, “Hello, ladies!” but not in a leering way, and the moment he was out of earshot we were both, “He was cute!” Anyway, he was on our corner for a while, putting out his red light, and I went out there to take a photo but there was no way to do so without seeming like an insane person and you’ve already seen the rain hair god has dealt me today so I abstained.
Since I was out, though, I took rain shots of my pears. I’ve been worrying about when to pick them, so I googled, “When do you pick pears off your tree?” and they say you pick them before they’re ripe, and you know they’re pickable when you pull the stem horizontally and they come right off.
So now I have a bowlful of pears ripening in the other room and what the hell am I gonna do with so many pears? My tree is literally weighed down with them.
While I was out there photographing the pears and ignoring the weeds, Mr. PAM!TSD was out there four inches from me, so I took an art shot of him, too.
I also went to my trainer today, and announced to her that I was going to photograph her sneakers du jour, as she has different shoes to match all her workout ensembles. She owns an inordinate amount of workout clothes. Note my Rush shirt, above, which serves as my workout garb.
Anyway, today she went for a gray look. Further reports as developments warrant.
After an hour with said trainer, in which she made me balance on balls and lie upside-down on slanty things and lift up weights like it was fun, I said to her, “You don’t want to know what I’m doing after this.”
KFC has a new Cheeto chicken sandwich. I’d told everyone at work that I was going to try it this weekend, and I couldn’t go BACK on my WORD. As we all know, my word is gold.
So after an hour of killing myself working out, I ruined my progress with, yes, a Cheeto sandwich.
And? It was…not that good. It had something white on it, cheese or mayonnaise. I wasn’t sure. And also this hot sauce. You know what would have been good? Straight chicken with Cheetos. This sandwich had too many flavors.
So that’s all my news, and I am glad to be back at work around people again, so I don’t have to Delta Dawn my way through life till next Friday.