The one where June goes to the DMV, the dentist and the post office all in one day.

Yesterday was berserk.

I had an early dentist appointment, just for my cleaning, and my poor hygienist came out with no hair. I’d had to scream over there with absolutely wet hair, and was planning to apologize for that, but instead I kept my mouth fucking shut.

As my hair dried against the back of a dentist chair, which always results in bouncing curls, which again I did not mention, my mouth got prodded. You know that little test where they poke at your gums and say, “Three, three, two”? I like it when they say, “three two three” because that’s my area code.

“Hmmm,” she said, which is never what you want to hear. “You’ve got fours in your gums, which is a lot different from last time we checked.”

Let me tell you what. Back in the ’90s, I’m gonna say, and really I’m gonna write, they told me that all the time, and they asked if I flossed, which annoyed me because I always did. Then I got a Sonicare and they not only stopped asking, they also started telling me I had 2s and 3s up in there. And that was cool but I kinda forgot about associating that with the Sonicare.

In January of this year, which is also the month when my last exam was, my pink Sonicare broke, and no, Sonicare is not paying me to write this, would that they were. I replaced it with a stupid electric tooth-whitening brush from Ulta. And look what’s happened. All gum hell has broken loose. Bought a Sonicare right there at dentist. Now I hafta go back in three damn months for another look.

Also I need a crown. We all knew that.

Also also too, if you read yesterday, the free toothbrush they gave me was pink. (!!!) Gray skies are gonna clear up! Put on a happy faaaaace. Put on a 4-gums faaaace.

Then, at lunch, I had to mail some pale blue heels at the post office. I have never worn them, as they were too big, so I finally sold ’em on eBay. The person who bought them said, “Is it okay if I pay on Tuesday?” and I said yes and then on Wednesday was all, “No rush, but when will you ship those shoes?”

I GAVE HER THREE DAYS TO PAY BUT OHHHHH! Ship immediately. Because that annoyed me so much I said that due to “the holiday” I’d ship Monday.

I probably shouldn’t be a saleswoman at eBay, what with my great love of folks.

Mercifully, it was empty-ish in the post office. It was the one in my neighborhood and I honestly thought I was getting preferential treatment for being white and it made me feel like a dick. “I believe this man was here first,” I even said, because I’m Motherfucking Teresa.

Do you think anyone called her Terry, ever? Like, was anyone that close with her? “Hey, Terry! Whatchu planning to wear to the club tonight? Oh, your long dress and the hood? …Yeah, no, that’s always …cute on you, Terry.”

It’s not a hood, is it? What’s that thing called?

And because no one can figure out why I have such bad karma, there was some sort of snafu with my new license plate and old license plate and so I had to go to the relaxing DMV and figure it out. Let me tell you who’d be driven to scream, “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE” at the DMV: Mother Terry of the Cloth, that’s who.

There was one very well-dressed woman at one window, in a dress and a summer cardigan and very high heels. The woman had those things on. The window didn’t.

She had cropped hair like Halle Berry and she was lovely. But for some reason, she was at that window almost the entire time I stood in line, which was 40 motherteresa minutes. I grew resentful of her, and then annoyed with her, and by the end I wanted to punch her in her high-cheekboned face. And we all know it wasn’t her fault. It was probably Obama’s. Why can’t the government fix the DMV? But I couldn’t see the yahoo waiting on her, so I had no choice but to direct my white-hot hate over to Halle of Greensboro and her 40-minute DMV issue.

I also, during my work hours, and Dear My Boss: Do not fire me. I had to do it before 5:00 and I swear I hadn’t gotten those direct mails to copy edit yet. Love, June.

Anyway, during work hours, I had to call my car-payment place because get this: I finally got my payment coupons, on July 6. “PAY BY JULY 1” read my coupons. So I had to call to yell at them about that.

So what I’m saying to you was yesterday was relaxing.

The good news is, I got to go to my old movie theater at night and see Some Like it Hot and have you ever noticed that Marilyn Monroe is awfully sexy? Also, every dress they put her in she looked naked. Also, how are her bosoms that perky when they’re also so gigantic? Also, I may be the first person to observe these things about Marilyn Monroe, and welcome to my Deep Observations Paragraph by June.

Anyway, I have to go and get in the shower. I woke with a headache today and why? After all that relaxing I did yesterday.

…I just looked at my phone to see if I took any photos yesterday, and the only one I did take that wasn’t related to dental screenshots or DMV facts was this:

When I got home from work last night, the whole caring for the kittens, doing Edsel care-exercise-feed-pill-brush things, and feeding the regular cats thing, it was almost time for me to go to the movie. But Eds and I were outside fetching Blu for a moment and when we were, the woman next door said, “You may notice that Pretty Kitty isn’t eating a lot.” That’s what she calls Milhous: Pretty Kitty. I feel like he’d be down with that if he knew. He doesn’t seem all that cis.

Anyway, turns out, Pretty Kitty has been not only leaping the fence to join my neighbor’s kitten Sissy in play, he’s also dining with her on their deck, a thing I’d feel terrible about except the woman next door seems absolutely charmed by it. I HAD noticed him not eating with his usual vigor, and figured he’d been sneaking kitten food and also, who wants to eat when it’s 93 degrees out?

So now I’ve thrown a photo in and I’ve got visual appeal and all in all this is a perfect post so goodbye.

Mother June

69 thoughts on “The one where June goes to the DMV, the dentist and the post office all in one day.

  1. Excellent post, Joob, in spite of such a horrendous day. Those are the worst places to have to go, along with any sort of Social Services, which is unreal in a horror-movie sort of way.
    This whole gum surgery discussion has me freaking out because I know that is probably in my future. Or maybe I’ll die before that has to happen. (Then I’ll give one of you my dead body, heh.) So gross.
    Why isn’t there rejection when someone else’s tissues are transplanted into a different person? That doesn’t make sense to me. Or do you have to take all kinds of anti-rejection meds forever after, like people with an organ transplant? I totally have the willies now. Shudder.

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  2. RE: skin grafts. My late husband fractured his ankle in an incredibly stupid mid life crisis my-klutzy-ass-is-learning-to -ride-a-quad-in-the-woods-at-fifty-two accident (and his idiot friends forgot to recommend ankle boots). Anyway after bone scrapping and other delights he got donated infant foreskin as his graft. His friends said eww. I said tell them only you have dick to the ankle.

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  3. You had yourself a day, June! No wonder you have the vapors today.
    My tenant has that attitude about scheduling in that she habitually pays late and then whines about a late fee. But, if she wants something checked at the house, she wants it done pronto.
    I wonder about this dragging of children into uncomfortable situations, also. We have a nice neighborhood restaurant bar, one side a dining area with tables and nice high-backed booths. The other side is a bar with a few tables and seating at the bar. All food and cocktails are available on both sides. Inevitably we see people with several children sitting at one of the few bar tables and the poor wait staff sometimes have to drag in high chairs from the dining room. I don’t understand this when there are tables available in the dining areas. Rant over.
    How cute that Milhous had a sleepover last night.

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  4. I had no idea there was gum surgery. That’s nice, something new to worry about. In the last year my dentist insisted I wear a night guard because I clench my teeth so hard at night they are cracking up into the bone. And that makes my gums recede, so now I’m worried.
    I think I’d take cadaver skin though and blame that poor cadaver for any stupid thing I did for the rest of my life.
    “I didn’t mean to call you an asshole, must be Charlie’s skin affecting me again.”

    Why doesn’t the government hire whomever came up with Chick-fil-a’s process for busy-drive-thru management to run the goddam DMV? People be out of there in a flash, with waffle fries.

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  5. The Terry part killed me. I also cringed thinking of the horrid dental/postal/DMV-al trifecta from Hell.
    I read yesterdays post while on a boat whale watching. No phone service ‘cept in wifi while in Vancouver. We must have crossed into US waters bc suddenly we had service. So I was reading post (while there were no whales to watch- but happily they showed up later. Incredibly cool) but not with glasses on and the lipstick bit hit me later. Still making me chuckle.

    Also my kids imitating Coach’s most famous quotes is killing me on this trip. Hey, someday soon I will share some of these fav moments on my blog- which is not a non-blog but it can be funny. So that is my little read-my-blog plug.

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  6. Wmple, that is the head gear on a nun.
    Hours of my life were wasted at the DMV last year getting my granddaughter a learner’s permit and license. Spending time at the DMV is definitely a way to reinforce that love of all humanity that is the shared trait of all June fans.

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  7. This whole day makes me shudder. I hate the DMV so much!!! Almost as much as the dentist– where they gave me the same crap about never flossing every time. I close every night. I finally got a good electric toothbrush and extra floride toothpaste and all is well now. I guess. After two gum surgeries.

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  8. Wow. You are a glutton for punishment. I hope your headache went away and did not accelerate. That picture of Milhous is adorable!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  9. My old dentist sold his practice to a new dentist. I hadn’t been in three (!!!) years. (I know, anxiety, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.) Anywho, the hygenist did that pokey thing and I had never had that done under the old administration. I don’t remember my numbers but I do remember him looking at my x-ray and saying I had bone loss (!!!) and he was referring me to a specialist even though he wasn’t “sure what they can do” for me and the next thing I know I’m getting LANAP surgery to try to regenerate my bone and the whole process has been relaxing as well. I hate the dentist.

    I love pretty kitty though. Lovely post Joob.

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    • My dentist of a thousand years retired and left me dentist-less, plus I got on Medicare and the supplements. We do have dental insurance for checkups but you have to choose a dentist from a list that I am not familiar with. So I chose one and she is not what I would ideally like, and seems to be milking me for more money. She even billed me for more money for my paid-for checkups. I just don’t know what to do.

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  10. Your hygienist sounds like a strong person. To have the strength to continue working through chemo and seeing new people every day with no hair is kind of amazing to me. I’m pretty sure I would never get out of bed.

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  11. Wow, Monday’s normally kinda suck, but you had a REAL winner of a day. The good news, I guess, is that those things are over and done with for a while now. So, play with your kittens, have some fun, enjoy that crazy ‘pretty kitty.’ Greetings to the wonderful Edsel!

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  12. I would rather have one berserk day where I do alllll the stupid errands than to spread them out one per day. Running a jillion errands in this heat wipes me out totally. I’m worthless (and HOT!) for the remainder of the day. Can’t cool off. Still, all in one day, Baby!

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    • I failed to mention this but I’m glad you brought it up. Usually in the morning when I open my bedroom door, Mil is leaning against the door, all sprawled out. Today he wasn’t, and when I opened the kitten room, there he was. I’d accidentally closed him in there all night, which, good monitoring, June. I wonder if they all slept together. He didn’t even eat all their food, as he is a patron of Chez Sissy now.

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  13. That day would be my version of hell. Just that day over and over for eternity. Almost makes me want to change my ways. Almost.

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  14. My HOA sends our invoices every year to arrive on January 7. The payment is due on the 1st and there is a $25 fee assessed for late payments. That is relaxing for no one as I call and holler mercilessly until I get the fee waived. Then I tell them that they are a disgrace to the neighborhood and idiots to boot, and how in the world did they ever get that gig in the first place when they can’t even send the one invoice we get per year on time. I’m a joy to be around.

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    • First of all, in my mind, I pronounce that HOOOO-AAAAA. Also, I wish to never be a member of a HOOOOOO-AAAA. And that is why I live in the hood. Well, that and my mortgage payment is $8 a month like I live on Baltic Avenue.

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          • HOOOOO-AAAAAA is a Marine thing. It’s an expression of toughness or something. I dunno. I’m married to an Army guy, so he just rolls his eyes. I’ll never understand the inter-branch rivalry of the military.

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            • Marines say OORAH to each other or just RAH. It is meant to be a bark ( they are called Devil Dogs) and inspire/motivate each other. The cross-service rivalry usually is a joke but sometimes it goes a little too far. The only branch not represented in my home is the Army so I don’t understand Army stuff— I am retired Navy, husband is a Marine and our three kids are in the Air Force, Marines and Navy. But yeah, the service loyalty with the Marines can be borderline cult-like, God love their crayon-eating selves.

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              • A friend of my son once mentioned that he was considering joining the Air Force, and my husband replied, “Oh, excellent. Have you considered the military, though?”
                I kicked him really hard under the table, and he apologized to the very confused kid.
                Honestly with these guys.

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    • F**k HOA! We tolerated it for too many years, then found a lot to build on in a small neighborhood without HOAs. So great! Being a former REALTOR, I am aware that all the money, except for an exorbitant amount that goes to administration, goes straight into the pocket of the developer. Nice gig, huh. Ignore that BS about late fees. Just document everything.

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      • Thank you! I have been. I’m in Nashville so finding something not in an HOA that is affordable right now is not probable. But I’ll be diligent in keeping my records.

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  15. Sigh. It’s a HABIT. The part on her head is a VEIL. And no, they didn’t call her Terry. Those in her inner circle called her MT. Those aspiring to her inner circle called her Mother Tree. And did you know she was about as tall as a garden gnome? And did you also know she owned exactly three habits her entire life? One to wear, one to wash and one to repair. Makes you wonder what she did on her free time that one habit was always in need of repair.

    I WISH everyone at my dentist’s was hairless, since they already seem to be FUCKING HEADLESS. You are all familiar with my tooth saga. I was just reminded of a regular dental appointment, with the OG dentist, who started me down this path of surgery and pain. He’s in for an earful next Tuesday, let me tell you. Tonight I have a vet appointment …. well *I* don’t, but the dog doesn’t drive yet, so I have to go, and do you have any idea how discouraging it is to bring a skinny dog to the vet? Particularly when I am not? So there’s that. Tomorrow I have a dr’s appt with a ………. why am I telling you this? Hoo care?

    Your trip to the DMV reminded me of that hell when I had to make FOUR TRIPS to accomplish one thing. Each time the clerk demanded some other piece of paper. By my fourth try, I had every possible piece of paper from my birth to date, in a binder, with sheet protectors and tabs, and with copies already made.

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    • Oooohhh, that reminds me of the Social Security Office. My husband adopted my sons – so this was about twelve years ago – and the last part of the process was to get their names changed with social security.
      I swear to you, those people were insane. They kept asking for more things. They had me go back to the courthouse and get the decree of adoption notarized because it didn’t look very official. Then they wanted me to get my sons’ vaccination records, as proof of their original names. And THEN they wanted to know how they were supposed to be sure THESE records were for MY sons.
      By the time I finally got it done, I had a binder of papers clutched in my sweaty hands, and a deranged look in my eye. And the security guards cheered when I told them I’d finally done it. Maybe because I would no longer be marching three little boys in there.

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      • AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING. Must the ENTIRE FAMILY come to the DMV? Can’t one of you stay home and mind the goddamn kids while the other does whatever needs doing? It was like Disney fucking Land in there. Especially with the lines.

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        • The last time I had my hair cut, there were two ladies who were together getting haircuts and color, with 4 or 5 children between them. I thought, why are all of your children here? And you could tell these children were bored out of their gourd.

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        • And why do entire families have to go grocery shopping? There’s always That Family with the brood of snot-nosed screaming children in the supermarket and I’m all, “But for why?” Why does the entire family have to go? Why can’t Mom or Dad stay home with the yard apes while the other does the shopping? I never took my kids grocery shopping, I’d wait until my husband got home to parent the kids and then I’d enjoy the peace and quiet of being able to peruse the aisles unhurriedly and enjoy every single minute of being by myself, even if it was just at the supermarket.

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          • Okay, I say this will love, but yeah, sometimes people do need to take the kids. At one time I was a single mom with three kids 6 years down to 4 months old. I either took them to the store or just went hungry. Or left them alone, I guess, but people frown on that.
            And as far as the Social Security office, that was a full-day endeavor that had to happen during the hours my husband was at work. So there really wasn’t another option. The oldest was 12 by then, but still not quite up to the job of babysitting. Plus my youngest was (and is) a perpetual bad idea machine.
            One hopes that people require their kids to behave, but keeping them at home isn’t always an option. Also, how are they supposed to learn to behave if they don’t go out?

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      • I feel your pain, I was trying to get Designated Representative for my mom so I could talk to Social Security and Medicare because she couldn’t hear or see well enough to use the phone. It took three trips to the SSA to get the right forms and an employee that knew what were trying to do. Then Medicare said they didn’t recognize that designation. I was ready to choke someone!

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    • I agree. Wimples are old, old school when the old nuns wattles were covered. I am glad you corrected it. I knew I could count on you, Paula H&B. I was having a bad day and brain farting yesterday.

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  16. My gum numbers were bad, and i had to get a gum graft. They cut tissue from the roof of my mouth and sewed it on the gums. Then they stitched the roof of my mouth. It hurt so much. When i asked if there was an alternative to them using roof of my mouth tissue, they said they could use cadaver tissue. No thank you!

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    • My daughter had the cadaver tissue. They use this on burn patients too. Perfectly safe and less painful than all that carving into your mouth. I will have to have one in a couple of years and I hope I can do the same. I know, it is a little creepy!

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    • Oh I did that surgery and had the cadaver tissue. I was thanking that generous dead person for months. I heard the roof of the mouth part is the worst part to heal with this procedure. Sorry you had to deal with it! The whole dumb surgery sucks though. I looked like a Who from Whoville for weeks.

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      • When I had grafts on the gums of my middle two-lower teeth, I must have had the cadaver tissue because, thankfully, my dentist did not use a skin graft. Now I’m worried the cadaver’s name was Abby Normal.

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        • RE: skin grafts. My late husband fractured his ankle in an incredibly stupid mid life crisis my-klutzy-ass-is-learning-to -ride-a-quad-in-the-woods-at-fifty-two accident (and his idiot friends forgot to recommend ankle boots). Anyway after bone scrapping and other delights he got donated infant foreskin as his graft. His friends said eww. I said tell them only you have dick to the ankle.

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  17. First and foremost, lovely post Coot. Second I had a coworker former who pronounced it BEEEEEzerk.

    Also still reeling over Mother Teresa if the cloth at the club.

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  18. Hilarious post. Terry! Long dress. Hood. Flomp….. You need a crown!
    We all complain about our hair, then we see someone that doesn’t have any, probably not because they have shaved their head, it does change our attitude. I will be very happy to get back to just regular cleanings at the dentist after almost a year of replacing (implant) one tooth. I was asking the dentist about flossing, especially around the new implant, he said using a water pick was better than floss, who knew. I hate going to the DMV! Pretty Kitty has the neighbor charmed, which he is, a real charmer. He is beautiful.

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  19. Oh dear. 4’s in the gums is what I dread. They’re going along poking my gum line 3-2-3, nearing the turn around, slowing down to stick that pin in deeper, 4-3-3. It’s always in the back where it’s hard to floss.
    I cannot imagine DMV and DDS all on the same day.

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  20. This may seem like a ridiculous question, but why did the hygienist have no hair? Chemo? And even more ridiculous I guess is that I am asking, as I am fairly certain you didn’t discuss it with her. Anyway, lovely post, lovely June. I love your Milhous. He IS Pretty Kitty, for sure. Hoping you have a beautiful day.

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      • She could have shaved her head in support of someone she loves that has lost their hair during chemo.

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        • That’s when I to check for eyebrows. No eyebrows? Chemo (usually – maybe they fell asleep drunk at a party and have really crappy friends, or they’re friends are a high school football team) Yes eyebrows? Supportive shave (again, USUALLY). Someone who voluntarily shaves their eyebrows? Don’t want to know them

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  21. You had the hat trick of a bad day – dentist/post office/DMV. And a call to the bank. Doesn’t get much worse than that.

    Your shoe story reminded me of the students who return a book 3765 weeks late (basically more weeks late than they are old) and then want to know if I can take the fine off their account “right away”. I always tell them “oh you bet. Just like you returned your overdue book RIGHT AWAY”. I bet this is why I am never voted Staff Member of the Month.

    I love that Milhous has been dining with his lady friend. It’s so romantic! Will he ever invite her home to meet his family I wonder? My kids were always slow to bring their potential love interests home – they tell me “there’s a good reason for that MOM”. Whatever. I can be normal when I need to.

    Bless you and your lovely post, Mother June.

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    • My son refuses to tell me anything about his dating life. I used to get the dirt from his friends but he must have put the kibosh on that. We half-joke that he won’t tell us he’s married, let alone dating anyone, until his 5th wedding anniversary.

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  22. Holy crap you pretty much described a day from hell to me. Good job getting through it.

    Are you afraid Milhouse is going to leap to the other side and never come back?

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    • Oh no! Don’t give him any grand ideas. We will all have to go to Greensboro and dress like Ninjas to get him back in the middle of the night.

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    • I’m sure steely dan was taken by someone that adored him. Happened to my daughters cat. Neighbors liked the cat and just took it.

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