Maybe everyone will walk in at once, like in a sitcom

Today is a giant day over at the Gardens’ house o’pets: When I walked into the kitten room this morning, no one had gone anywhere but in their litter box!

Remember when I used to have sex and stuff?

This Saturday I have to take them in for their boosters, and I sort of thought they’d be ready to return to sender, but I weigh them all every morning and they have stubbornly remained right near one pound. When you foster kittens, see, you keep them like veal till they’re two pounds, which is the age they can be spayed or neutered, as Bob Barker would say. Once they’re Bob Barkered, they are adoptable. To their “furever” homes. People who say that should be shot right in the hip.

So I’ll host them another 10 days or so, but I can tell you that they’re ruining my get-together next week.

It’s my birthday next week, see, and do you hope I keep saying, “see” like that? Am I a ’40s gangster? Howdaya like that, sweets?

Anyway, tis m’birthday soon, and a few weeks ago I got an Instagram text from Sandy’s husband. Sandy is my old friend, college housemate, and all-around tolerator of June. She is very sensible, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed I acquire a lot of sensible types as friends, because there isn’t room enough for all my nonsense along with someone else’s.

Anyway, she doesn’t believe in social media, but her husband does, and I get to see a lot of photos of him holding the phone way up so he’s in the foreground and then a lot of other middle-class employable-looking people including Sandy are smiling in the background at restaurants, beaches, bank depositories.

The point is, he wrote to say they would be in NC next Tuesday (NCUNextTuesday) and was I available.

“Well, that’s my birthday,” I said, and I invited them to Greensboro to celebrate with me. I was thinking I’d get together with them and one other couple–Marty and Kaye.

But then I thought, oh, I can’t have a gathering and not invite The Poet. And then I thought, Lottie Blanco has invited me to 17 things this year and I’ve invited her to zip. Because I have zip. Remember when I used to have sex and parties and sex parties?

Whenever I go to a thing at Lottie Blanco’s she always introduces me: “This is my straight friend, June.” She said otherwise everyone will be all, “Who’s the woman of mystery?” Which is exciting. I like to think that anyone finds me mysterious. I feel I might be the least-mysterious woman alive other than Kathy Gifford.

Anyway, so then of course I thought of Chris and Lilly, but they are in London, as you do, and they refuse to fly back special for it.

And what about Wedding Alex? She’s my podcast partner, of the podcast we have yet to start.

So next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and I’ve got 200 people coming and SIX CATS at this house right now, half of which who weren’t getting the litter box concept, and all of a sudden it was stressing me out that people were coming.

(Also, if you’re related to me and are thinking you have to get me a bday gift, a certificate to Stanley Steamer would be ideal. I am not kidding. I have to call them the moment these kittens are gone.)

Oh my god, they’re at the peak of cuteness right now, though. Hang on…

Frida. Filthy since 2019. Good gravy.

In the end, I decided to gather together to hear the Lord’s blessing at a nearby pub. If you know me and you’re annoyed that I didn’t invite you, email me and I’ll give you the particulars. I only meant to gather four people, y’all.

The pub lets you bring in any food, so I’ll order pizza for us.

So, I hope that’s fun and I hope I get a chance to actually speak to Sandy. Also, this will be the second time this year that The Poet will be at that pub, and she’s getting to be a regular there. She’s like Norm on Cheers, only poet-y-er. I think, as a poet, she ought to have a drinking problem anyway.

I gotta go. I have to go to work, because I have to keep all these cats in kibble.

do edz be cat? he be exxlint cat. there bee tryowts?

XO,
Juan

35 thoughts on “Maybe everyone will walk in at once, like in a sitcom

  1. I’m having serious kitten envy here… I want one! Right now, I’m jumping between two places each week and would have to leave it alone for 3+ days and I can’t do it. Retirement cat, that’s what I’ll get, maybe two, so they can be buddies together.

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  2. Oh those kitties. I want to hug them! And kiss their little, teeny, tiny noses. Your birthday bash sounds like it will be pretty chill–fun! My favorite kind of parties.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    P.S. Can I pull off chill? I MAY be too old. Forgive me if it was jarring.

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  3. I am excited for your upcoming b-day celebration. My b-day is too close to Christmas for anyone to care, so I will live vicariously thru you. I too look forward to the follow up post, hoping for photos. I am not a cat person – blame my allergies and don’t hate me, but those kitten pics are incredibly cute. Glad they are getting the poop thing down.

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  4. Happy Birthday in advance! Sounds like it will be a wonderful party!
    I love those little kittens! But no, I don’t want any. lol I have my 10 yr old crazy cat and my Aussie – it is a Full House!
    But they are precious to look at!

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  5. Maybe you should Skype your birthday celebration so the rest of us could chime in! Just kidding, I don’t even know how to Skype but I’ve heard others talk of it. No poop on the floor makes it a great day today! Frida and her filthy paws is so cute but that would give me the hives to not clean them before she got on the furniture. Maybe she has to get all in the pan to get some food away from the two brothers. Happy early Birthday, June!

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  6. Ok. Don’t judge me but I also love it when kittens do adult things…and one of them is using the litter box. I would always chuckle when I had to scoop the pans and there would be the normal adult sized things in there and then these tiny, little, small kitten sized things in there. Like I’m a Big Kid Now.

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  7. Those kittens are soooo cute!!! I love that little Frida. It is exciting when they use the box. My last kittens (1992) started using the box when they were about three weeks old and I was totally amazed and very happy. I’m RSVPing for your party (pet peeve when people DON’T), regrets I can’t make it. I have two (2) sets of guests coming and going that day.

    Another great post.

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  8. I would have a satellite party for you but I would have to actually invite people to my house. Maybe I will just live vicariously through the rest of you. Also and too can I just say when I was a SWF I didn’t have near the excitement in my life as you have. Most of my weekends were spent watching PBS and cleaning out closets. Although, I did throw lots of pity parties.

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  9. Your b-day plans sound so fun!! I love the idea of a pub letting you bring your own chow. That’s brilliant. While you’re at it, get yo’self a cake!
    Can’t wait to hear all about it!

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  10. DAMMIT, I have a dentist appointment next Tuesday so I can’t drive to NC for your pub party OR to GA for Beverly’s satellite party. I’ll be having my own little party, ripping the dentist a new one.

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  11. Oooooo! I would come crash the party, dressed in my T. rex costume, but I will be on a road trip with my mother and two of her friends (we will stay at your cool hotel one night).

    THAT should be interesting…

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  12. Remember when some of us used to have satellite birthday parties for you down here in Atlanta even though we’ve never met you? We should do that again since it’s not weird at all. Honestly, my neighbors came to one of them and were completely perplexed about the whole thing, but they knew me well enough by then to just join in the fun and not question it too much. We all had a great time and appreciate you having a birthday for us to celebrate.

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    • Yes, those always looked fun! Didn’t Laurie drive all the way from Greensboro to go to THAT party and not actually see me on my birthday? I think she did.

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      • Yes, Laurie was at one of Beverly’s BBP parties as was 1madgirl, although not at the same party. Beverly is an excellent hostess and it is no wonder that your faithful readers would drive from N.C. to participate.

        Of course, I remember other faithful readers driving from out-of-state to attend one of your birthday parties. Was Hulk there, too?

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    • They were great parties! The food was delish and the neighbors were delightful and tolerant of the crazy people (June’s followers).

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  13. I am REALLY looking forward to the day-after (or, more likely, the day after the day after) post!

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  14. I’ll be there. What time?

    JUST KIDDING. See, that would be a long drive from the ole midwest town that I live in, sweets. But I’ll be there in spirit to celebrate your birthday that you barely ever mention.

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