Carefree highway

Well, I’m up.

I got up early and even brushed m’teeth to go to my trainer, and when I got there, she was just leaving with her two gigantic dogs.

“Oh, you have the wrong day!” she said. “It’s Friday!”

I was all, do I? I mean, you guys know how I am. I know everyone here is placing bets on me being the wrong one. I can see you all hunkered in an alley with your ones.

But I wasn’t! I drove home and let Edsel out, which is a whole thing today because Victor, the lawn guy, sprayed my weeds yesterday and YES I KNOW but you have no idea how overrun I am getting with the weeds. So for 24 hours no cats can go outside [see: Milhous–Mind, Lost] and Edsel has to be closely monitored for, like, licking the hostas or whatever, or else it’s hosta la vista, Edsel.

So that’s annoying. I was just out there with him twice, because he does this thing where he pretends he peed totally for sure all the way but really just makes a show of it but then rushes in and eats [cronch crinch cronch crickle cronch] and then goes BACK out and seriously pees and drops Mrs. Brown off at the greens.

Both times I went out to bathroom with the Eds, Milhous was at the door with giant eyes. “U NOT UNNERSTAN. MILL HAVE STANDING ENGAGEMINT.”

The way I get him to not dash out the door is I pound on it like I’m a visitor and he has fallen for that every time so far. (I had to go out a THIRD time when Mil angrily dropped Mrs. Hugh Log off at the sandbox just to express his disdain for this whole morning indoors indignity.)

Lily and Iris don’t care.

The point is, and there is a point, after all that in and outing, I came here to blog because all of a sudden I have all this time to do so this morning, and there was a text from said trainer. “Oh my god, you were RIGHT!” she wrote. My appointment really had been for today.

I guess this means I get to point out her typo with “and” instead of “on.” You know what’s gonna happen? She’s gonna KICK MY ASS across her torture floor tomorrow. She’s gonna make me get up on that giant half mound that looks like I’m standing on a blemish.

Anyway now I have all this time on my hands and I assure you I will still find some way to not get to work at 8 on the dot this morning.

yu annoyeeng

I never had a chance to call the vet about Iris yesterday, and if you’d had the kind of day I had, you wouldn’t have, either. I volunteered to take some extra work on that needed to be done and as soon as I did that, 75 other things came at me and the whole day was ridic.

At lunch, they fed us, which threw me off. Usually I go home at lunch and take care of my errands then. But yesterday they gave us free barbecue.

“How many sandwiches did you eat?” asked Griff after.

“Well. One. …Why?” I asked. Because who eats more than one BBQ sandwich? Jethro Bodean?

“I had one, but then I had meat on the side,” he announced.

“So, you had a barbecue sandwich with barbecue on the side?”

When my day finally ended, I got to my car and noticed the only people left at work were me and Wedding Alex, and our cars were fornicating. Mine was buggering hers, and it’s like when someone is an Irish setter/Chihuahua mix. “We’re such hard workers” I texted her, all smug.

She and I keep SAYING we’re going to do a podcast and then she does things like go to Greece for work.

Seriously. Greece is the word. Once she stops working so hard, maybe we can have a podcast about nothing. She also has a whole embroidery or needlepoint or what’s the difference thing on the side, and I really don’t get undepressed people who embrace life. I really don’t. Isn’t it enough that you got up and put on pants five times a week?

Meanwhile, June says, embracing life, The Poet and I were supposed to go to Gordon Lightfoot tomorrow night, but apparently he didn’t take care when he was creeping ’round his back stairs, because he tripped and hurt himself and postponed till November.

“I guess he’s ironically named Lightfoot at this point,” I said, and then put a picture of myself on Instagram captioned with “This guy” and emoji hearts next to it.

I plan to never love anyone again unless it has a tail, but if I am ever stupid enough to love a goddamn human, I assure you there will be no “This guy” caption, ever.

I guess I’d better get in the shower even though had things worked out with my trainer I’d still be driving home sweatily right now. Still, it’ll be nice to not rush. I am toying with wetting hair and starting over again today because I am not a fan of the new cheap gel I bought that makes me look like Garth of Wayne and, but when I wet said hair, my hair is literally damp till noon and who wants to look at me in that predicament?

What I really covet is that $6,000 hair dryer with the ions or whatever but I will never bring myself to purchase it.

Ohmygod, maybe I can write the good people of Dyson and tell them that tens of people read me and if they sent me a free one they’d be sure to sell, like, one to someone somewhere. Look at it! IT HAS A PALE ROSE CASE!

Anyway, I’m off. With my bad hair and my angry cat and my successful friends and Gordon Lightfoot standing me up.

Yours,
Joon

103 thoughts on “Carefree highway

  1. I bought a fancy dryer. Something about having tourmaline. Since letting my hair go gray I thought it would help with the frizzies. It didn’t make a difference. Also, heavy as hell. But the Dyson looks lightweight. I’ll send you my fancy tourmaline dryer if you want to try it. I don’t want it back. I also have a fancy curling thingy that spins the hair into a perfect wave that I can send. It was expensive and then I cut my hair. I don’t want it back either. I bought a heated brush. That thing impressed me. You dry your hair and then comb the heated brush through and everything is pretty.

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  2. I hate that I cant social until so ding dang (fucking) late in the evening. Recently had my roots done. In new to me city and state. She had a Dyson hair dryer. Cut the time down and my hair looked fab. I’m saving up for a vacation to the beach instead. Ha!

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  3. My daughter tried the dyson hairdryer but sent it back. She said that for her hair it didn’t really make a difference.
    I hate it when my neighbors have the weed man visit but don’t tell me in advance. I don’t let my pets out then either. I guess that is a moot point now, we just built a catio so the cats don’t wander over to the neighbors at all (of course they can’t, they are contained within the catio which the carpenter told us looks like a giant chicken coop.)

    Laurie in NB, Canada

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  4. Am I the only one that had to google Lightfoot to see who he is and what he sings? I am embarrassed to admit it, but I blame my lack of music knowledge on my parents. They drove cars with AM radios only. I never knew stuff about music growing up. I too loved the putting pants on 5 days a week being enough. Such a bummer about your trainer mixing up your days. June is always right. I think that should be on a t-shirt.

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  5. June. Next time you make it home I will loan you my Dyson hairdryer for the full time you are here. That should give you a good trial with it. All the curly-headed girl reviews I read were positive. It cuts drying time in half. For me that is negligible but for you, it would be enormous.

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  6. I wanted to comment on so many parts of this post that now I’ve forgotten them all except the “I don’t understand non depressed people who embrace life.” I’m at a week long conference and everyone is doing touristy things and going out to drink during the breaks and I am measuring the week by how many naps I can take.

    I embrace napping!

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    • The nap club is big around our house as well, Georgia.
      Best club I have ever been in. Meets all the time and any time.
      Otherwise tired and grouchy are my middle names.

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  7. I’m with Hunnyohhunny below; I love Gordon Lightfoot but could go the rest of my life without hearing “The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald” and be happy. Maybe if I saw him in concert I could just take a bathroom break when he sings that (and I’m sure he’s contractually bound to sing it).
    I have a Dyson regular vac for the upstairs and just bought the cheapest of the three cordless vacs for downstairs (I was hoping it would motivate me to vacuum more if it was more convenient…the jury’s still out on that decision). I have stick straight hair and live in arid Colorado, so haven’t used a hair dryer in years. I gasped at the price, even for a Dyson.
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  8. Wow – I am going to check out that vacuum – I have a cool robot but he can’t get in the corners and Mr. Marley is an Aussie who sheds a pound or two of hair a day!
    We have a Carefree Highway in AZ – ha ha… And also tons of weeds. I am too cheap to hire someone – so I try to attack them for 30 min a day. They are mostly dead anyway. And bugs. Tarantulas will be arriving soon. ugh. They are good as they eat bugs but they are very scary looking when they are 6 in in diameter! I use that diameteous earth stuff which doesn’t hurt the kids! (I don’t know how to spell it) I forgot about the vinegar epsom salt stuff – it works pretty good on a lot of stuff….
    I loved your blog today Joonie – i knew you were right about the trainer! Geez I would hate that.

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  9. If you need more Gordon Lightfoot in your life, just tune into the XM radio channel The Bridge. Have mercy – they play enough of him to last a lifetime!
    I have tried the Dyson hairdryer (borrowed from a friend). I found it to be quiet and not very blow-ie. (So to speak heee)
    Excellent post, June!

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  10. Love my Dyson vacuum. The amount of dog fur we get in this house is painful. That vacuum sucks it all up in a minute. And, a few weeks ago, I took the time to look up what all the attachments do – amazing stuff. The only warning I would give (if you were to get one) is that you have to be careful about the door that springs open to get rid of the junk you collect. You have to close it with care because if you just slam it shut, the little closey-thing will break off and goodbye expensive vacuum because it can’t be fixed and the part can’t be replaced. Sadly, I know this for a fact.

    Shallow Hal had a guy with a tail. They’re out there. Maybe add that to your Tinder profile?

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    • We love the dyson stick vacuum cleaners, too. We have found that they offer awesome service. If the vacuum breaks or malfunctions during the warranty they either send you the replacement part or send you a whole new vacuum for free. We know, we have had that experience. deb, who is back to being deb, did you call to report the breakage?

      Laurie in NB, Canada

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      • No I didn’t! This wasn’t a stick one but a plug-in one – It was my first one that I broke and I bought it years ago. Too late now to complain. I bought another one a year ago and love it. And handle it with much more care.

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  11. You are such a wonderful descriptionator! Sometimes my life is so dull that I need to read your postings to understand that there is life out there somewhere! Hosta la vista!!!

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  12. Hosta la Vista, Edsel. Cracked me up! Great post I giggled all through it. And never loving anything without a tail again!! Sounds like a good plan to me.

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  13. #dyson is magic. I only have the stick vacuum bc I am too cheap for the other stuff (and the vacuum was a gift from my kids) but I really want the bladeless fan thing.

    Weeds — I try to be all “good for the earth” and shit, but the Epsom salts/vinegar/Dawn mix just doesn’t kill like the bad stuff does. I cannot embrace the clover, yet, but that day will soon come.

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  14. I totally covet the Dyson everything. My mother used to make the wisecrack that I had a beer pocketbook with champagne tastes. Sadly, it’s true.
    I used to work for Neiman Marcus, and we sold a hair dryer that was not a Dyson, can’t recall the name of the brand, but what I do recall is that it had a $698.00 price tag. The product copy on the website claimed it had a lifetime warranty from the manufacturer. Well lucky me, as an “Escalations Specialist” I got the call from the dude who couldn’t get the manufacturer to respond to his request to avail himself to the lifetime warranty clause. I tried for over a week to get a call back from anyone at “X” company. In the end, NM ended up refunding the dude’s money on his 3 year old expensive ass hair dryer. Also, word to any NM shoppers reading this: If you ever have an issue, just keep complaining. They always fold like a house of cards.
    I laughed a true out loud laugh at “hosta la vista, Edsel, ” and right there is what I call pretty fucking comedic genius. Your gift for having these gems enter your head is a portion of why I am such a fan. I love your not blog, and read it faithfully every day. Also, I am totally in love with Edsel.
    Lovely post, lovely Joon.

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  15. Both of my sisters and my mom all have the Dyson hair dryer and swear by it. However, they all have straight hair while I have a silver fright wig of frizz so I don’t know how it would work on my hairs.

    I do have the Dyson blade-less hot/cold fan and I love that thing so much. I keep it in my office and in the winter, when my office is cold enough to hang meat in, I crank the heat up on that thing. In the summer, when the A/C doesn’t quite reach my office (it was a room addition), I keep the fan going to move the cool air around my menopausal sweatbox of a body.

    I also have the Dyson Animal V7 cordless stick vacuum and lemme tell you, that thing works hard for the money, so hard for you honey. I have 2 sheddy McShedderson dogs and I could stuff a straw tick with the hair that they shed but the Dyson makes short work of all that hair. The only thing that pissed me off about the vacuum was when Target dropped the price on it by $100 a month after I bought it. Bastards.

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  16. Oh the hosta la vista comment slayed me, as you do.

    I would be the last person to yell at your about getting weeds sprayed. I believe in spraying weeds, putting chemicals on any plant in my garden (this year it’s the brussell sprouts) that the bugs are after, and killing spiders and mice that move in with me. I use a metal straw, dammit, and I don’t get plastic bags at the store but I’m sorry I’m killing weeds and bugs on my turf.

    Anyway, I will never see those half-circle trainer things without thinking of blemishes, so thank you for that as well.

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    • There are many things I’ve said about the fitness crap my poor trainer has put before me that she has replied, “No one has ever called it that in 20 years.” I am ruining her outlook. It’s where I get my strength.

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  17. A BBQ sandwich with a side of BBQ sounds lovely to me. I do SO love the protein portion of the meal. I do, on occasion, order a Chick fil A sandwich with a side of nuggets. My rationale is that while you’re eating those greasy waffle fries, I’m getting more protein!

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    • Oh. And yes, I have had the meat sweats. Usually when I eat Eckrich sausage, perhaps in a portion larger than recommended. Have I mentioned my love of protein?

      Also, why so hefty?

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  18. Dear Dyson, I will probably purchase a Dyson dryer if you provide Influencer June one for free.

    Thank you for your consideration of this urgent matter.

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  19. I’m glad you were right about your personal trainer day, Joon. I hate when I’m wrong. Loved the Edsel – hostas comment. I have a cheap hair dryer I bought at Target over 25 years ago. Works great. I know I shouldn’t have said that; it’s sure to quit on me now.

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  20. I bought the Dyson dryer when Sephora had their friends & family event, 20% off so only came to $320 (full price is $400 on Sephora), life is short, ya gotta treat yo self! I don’t have quite the June hair, but it is close!

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  21. I do not have June hair but it has curl and is coarse. I upgraded my hair (think $80) and it has made a difference. My big box store hair dryer does make my hair frizz and is loud. This from Ulta and is quiet,fast and minimal frizz.

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  22. I went to see Art Garfunkel at the Carolina Theatre and it was dreadful. Since that, I’m a bit leery of investing concert money in once-brilliant musical idols who may have aged out of the business but don’t know it. I did get to see Gordon Lightfoot at a small performance space in Toronto back in the day and he was wonderful!
    My friend has the cordless Dyson vac and she said it is fabulous.

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    • I feel the same way, except for Air Supply, I go see them every chance I get. They still sound great.

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    • My husband and I went to see Gordon Lightfoot a few years ago. Sadly, we were disappointed. Maybe he was just having an off day.

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  23. Just a note of thanks for the post you did a bit back on your curly hair. I sent it to my mom and after just a week or so, her hair is so much better!

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  24. I adore GL but that one song about poor old Edmond Fitzgerald is terrible. That’s song was a shipwreck!

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  25. Oh no, I have Garth hair! I had never thought about it before, but that is my hair style. Time to get the hair stylist on speed dial.

    Gordon Lightfoot standing you up. You know, like he wishes he could do to himself.

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  26. Well, since no one else has mentioned it yet, I laughed at “hosta la vista, Eds.” Our local rec center offers personal training services and they are included with my membership and I still can’t take that step and sign up. What the hell am I afraid of?

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    • When my oldest daughter was in high school we went to one of those Brazilian Rotisseries. You know where they keep bringing you meat until you die? She didn’t know you were supposed to turn your card from green to red on the table as a signal that you were meated-up. Anyway, this little 80-pound ballet dancer ate half a cow and several lambs that evening not to mention a flock of chickens. We get back to the hotel and she is holding her swollen belly. She flops on the bed and states “I think I have meat poisoning”. From there on out when anyone ate too much it was always deemed “meat poisoning”. I believe meat sweats is the first symptom.

      Liked by 4 people

    • My husband told me about a comment he’d seen on facebook on a thread of persons arguing the high moral ground of veganism. I thought of it when I read your comment. The person had commented, “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why’d he make them out of meat?” LOL.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Variation on a theme: the bouncy Flanders and Swann tune “The Reluctant Cannibal,” in which the chief’s son “won’t let another man pass my lips” and Dad’s response is:
        “But people have always eaten people/ What else is there for them to eat?/ If the Juju had meant us not to eat people/ He wouldn’t have made us of meat!”

        Other topic: while speaking to my son on his birthday this month (he was in the room, it’s not like he lives far away and I never see him), I realized I’d thought he was 28 instead of 27. I’m usually good at birthdays and ages, so that was a little chilling.

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  27. This has barely anything to do with your post, (lovely, btw) and I’m sorry for that, but last year a group of people dressed up as the Grease cast for Halloween. They invited one young whippersnapper to join them. He would have been perfect in a leather jacket and white t-shirt. He had never seen the movie (he is so young!), so he watched it, then came to work in a toga with the leaf headband. It was hilarious! We’d ask him what he’d dressed up as and he’s say, “Greece.” He got in the Grease group photo and everything. Maybe you had to be there. . . .

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  28. I have an ionic hair dryer that works really well. It dries my hair so much faster than the old one. It is not a Dyson and did not cost anywhere near that price. Does the Dyson guy make commercials for that hair dryer? His commercials always make me want a Dyson Vacuum (not enough to actually buy one – way too expensive!) . The man loves his vacuum cleaners!

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  29. I saw Gordon Lightfoot about 5 years ago, and I am sorry to say his voice is not quite what it used to be. Still, the concert was very good and entertaining and I hope you still get to see him. He made a crack about having to perform because he had to put his kids through college – haha what a comedian!

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    • We also saw Gordon in concert when he was sick (one in a string of three different concerts with three different singers who were both under the weather and underwhelming). I believe he was the one who transposed songs on the fly to keys he could sing in with his compromised vocal chords, which was actually pretty impressive.

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  30. I fondly look at the million dollar hair dryer, but I am really obsessed with the million dollar litter robot thing. How can a litter box cost that much? I want it so bad. Also, “I plan to never love anyone again unless it has a tail.” I am dying for you to get a tailless cat or dog now.

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    • I got the million dollar litter robot. Scared the cats to death, they would not use that litter area at all. Money wasted

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  31. A barbecue sandwich with barbecue on the side. Will this become a new Griffism?
    Sorry about the cancelled concert. I had no idea he was nearly 80, but then I’m a long way from my teenage years, too. Thanks for reminding me, Joon.

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  32. I covet this hair dryer. Sad but true. Like Joob I will never buy it because seriously! $400 for a freaking hair dryer?? But if someone were to start a go fund me….I mean who cares about starving children when Betty needs a dyson! I do have the Dyson cordless vacuum cleaner and I LOVE it! Hideously expensive but it is the best!

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        • I covet BOTH the vacuum and the hair dryer and only desire the bladeless fan – oh dyson you are strong with marketing – but alas – no dyson is in my future – unless my next dog I call Dyson – which typing it out loud make me think yep that could work

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        • I also had the Dyson, it sucked or should I say didn’t suck. I traded up for the shark and absolutely love it.

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      • I have that Dyson, but I’ve only had it for a few months. (We are a two cat, one dog household.) So far I love it, and I really love that it’s light and cordless. The Dyson fits in places that my primary vacuum (a monster) (should have a seat and a steering wheel), a Miele, did not, and that my little stick vacuum (Bissell) would fit into but would not necessarily suck up the debris. Downstairs has its own dedicated vacuum (Oreck), there’s another stick vacuum (Bissell. again.) down there, too. I’m not about to lug vacuums up and down the stairs.

        I don’t count the shop vac as one of mine, but I think that’s all of them.

        When we were moving (you moved?) I lobbied for central vac but was denied. I’m still not over that.

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        • I have central vac and I have no idea how it works. I’d invite you over to show me, but you know you aren’t allowed on the premises.

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          • We moved into a house with central vac and it is the love of my life. That thing would suck up a human if it needed to! Plus it just all goes into one big pot like thing in the basement. When I empty it, I can sculpt at least one more dog out of what’s in there. That things’ the bomb.

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      • I have the non-pet version of the vacuum. I think it just has different attachments. It does work really well and mine is 11 years old. I admit it doesn’t get a ton of use since we don’t have loads of carpet, but the hose attachment I use a lot for pet food, litter, and pet hair. I’d never spend that kind of money on a vacuum, but my mom gave it to us as a wedding gift.

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      • I have the vacuum and love the cord freeness of it, and also the fluffy attachment. We have all tile or concrete floors, and this thing gets all the dust and pounds of dog hair UP!

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        • Mine is not cordless and that’s actually the only part that annoys me! I have to unwind that whole dang cord to use the hose! Maybe I need to look at the newer ones- or not since I’m longing for an Apple Watch and a gas grill for Christmas.

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      • Get it. We have 2 of them and they are amazing. I was actually kind of disgusted the first time the canister needed to emptied. Horrifying to think all of THAT was in my carpet.

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  33. This guy and heart emojis cracked me up. How in the world did Alex get to go to Greece for work? I can’t even get a work related lunch!
    The confused days part reminds me of how I bought my kid days of the week socks. I knew it was a mistake and I was right. I’m at the sock drawer trying to remember what day it is and then can’t find the right socks. All I could find today was a pair Friday socks. On Tuesday, all I could find was a pair of Thursday socks and those have since disappeared. She can’t even read so I don’t know why I’m bothering to match the day to the socks.
    Do we need to write a letter of support to try hairdryer people for you? My stylist has that hair dryer and it really is awesome. It’s so quiet!
    I just realized I left my protein bar (really it’s just a yummy fattening granola bar, but it says protein bar on the package) at home. I’m sure I left it where the dogs can get it and they will enjoy it immensely between naps.

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  34. Not advice, but my hair stylist bought that hair dryer and hated it. I was not impressed and my hair dried much faster the next time she cut it having gone back to her old dryer. I asked about it, and she said she tried to learn to like it for three days but gave up and returned it.

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  35. All my life I thought that song was “Every Highway.” Even though Sirius showed me it is CAREFREE, I still hear EVERY.

    A friend told me Gordon is not who he used to be and she’s the type who uses kind phrases like that to smooth over the truth. So I’m thinking it might be like watching a soft-spoken Keith Richards who can’t stand up.

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  36. Lovely post, Coot.
    I would love to have a personal trainer. I went and worked out yesterday but first I had to beat the octogenarians, not Lightfoot, off the machines. For some unknown reason, they have decided that the recumbent bicycles are the new Mel’s Drive-In or some such nonsense. Now don’t get me wrong, I totally dig the dude in the chartreuse golf shorts, Hawaiian shirt, and penny loafers but for the love of Magnum, he needs to either ride the damn thing or go hang out at the coffee shop. Don’t get me started on Maude with her hair perfectly coiffed and her make-up and nails done up in her matching Betty White collection velour tracksuit sitting on the weight machine telling her doppelganger all about her last ailment. I love old people, I do. I mean after all I am not that far behind them but I really wish they would find somewhere else to cruise. Sorry, I don’t mean to be so cranky. I haven’t had my coffee yet.

    Does that hairdryer wash and dry your hair as well as make you breakfast? I know it’s supposed to be really good for June hair but sheesh. I would think with all the curly girls who love you Dyson would be begging you to take one and put it on your not-blog. You could do like the Pie-neer woman and give one away in some type of random contest.

    Have a lovely day.
    Signed I might not be Lightfoot old but I can be cranky with the best of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I bet that hairdryer isn’t even that great. I can’t imagine what it would have to do to be worth 400+ dollars. Yes I’m a cheapskate and my hair usually looks like crap but I feel like I can judge a $400 hairdryer.

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  38. Good news June. The Dyson is only $399 on Amazon. They keep showing it to me on my FB feed like I would seriously buy it. My last blow dryer cost 19 dollars. Works fine.

    Gordon Lightfoot. One of the best things Canada ever gave us. I remember when he was really sick in 2002. I hope he makes it back on stage – he’s 80! He breaks a hip and it’s lights out.

    Lovely post Joooooon!

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  39. I had no idea Gordon not so Lightfoot was still performing. I would love to see him. The things I learn from from this not-blog . . .

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  40. I get the days confused. I’ll be convinced all day that it’s a Wednesday, when in fact, it’s Tuesday. Keeps life interesting, I suppose.
    When I had to keep my cats inside, I had to be very creative opening the door. It seems as soon as a cat realizes he can’t go out it becomes the only thing he wants to do.
    You’re probably pulling your hair out with my improper grammar and sentence structure,

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  41. “Isn’t it enough that you got up and put on pants five times a week?”
    Bless you for this sentence. Love.

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    • I know! My boss never said “Hey Gladys, can you run to Greece and deliver this memo, and while you’re there get some sun, see some sights.” Usually it was “hey you, we are out of coffee and toilet paper”.

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  42. I am never loving anyone again without a tail. Why am I sure you said it better and I’m paraphrasing badly? Anyway, am dead.
    Sorry about Gordon Lightfoot. I would love to see him too. Better hurry up, he is getting quite old, like almost eighty or is he that old now?
    You NEED that hairdryer.

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