You can’t hide your lion eyes

I have decided that the flowerbed in my front yard is a lot like me: Sort of neglected, randomly attractive through no effort on my part, and mostly in need of serious work that I’m probably not gonna do.

It has these…hugging-the-ground weeds taking over. My flowerbed, not me. They almost look like a fern but they hug the ground. Does anyone know what that is? Ripping them out is a motherfucker. Those weeds are the Ned of the plant world.

Anyway, here’s what I did all weekend other than get philosophical about my flower bed.

On Friday night, my jaw blemish and I went to see The Lion King with The Poet. I dragged her to it because we were SUPPOSED to go see Gordon Lightfoot but I swear to you he tripped on something and postponed his tour, thereby making him the ironically named Gordon Lightfoot. Did I already tell you this? I’ve been slapping that line all over town. Anyway, because we had an empty evening before us, we saw The Lion King. This selfie is me standing on front of her infernally annoying building where you have to buzz her to let her know you’re there but they don’t give you a system to do so. You’re just supposed to magically know what code to push and it’s stupid.

We had planned to have her lift one of her Pomeranians in a circle of life pose, but see above re not being able to buzz her. Finally I had to text her.

The Poet and I live a mile from each other, so I left my house at 6:43 and got over there at 6:45. It was an exhausting trek. So at least I had time on my side.

We once noticed that right in the middle of our two dwellings is the Air Fun Trampoline Park, and we’ve often spoken of meeting there for some, you know, air fun. But we never do. That plan never gets off the ground. Bah.

Anyway, it was good. The Lion King was. I know I’m supposed to leave there thinking about how everything on earth touches everything else, like my college roommate, but really what I think of is that I want a baby lion so bad. Wouldn’t it be GREAT if I had a baby lion? Oh my god.

But speaking of my baby lions, I had to have Stanley Steemer come over Saturday morning to try to clean the kitten pee from the area rugs and hardwood floor, and my little, “Oh, I’ll volunteer to foster kittens” not only cost me a fortune in formula and kitten food, it also cost me

THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS

in Stanley Steemering.

So.

Broke, I continued my weekend.

The animals and me hiding from the SS. And by SS I mean Stanley Steemer men.

I got a pedicure with my last $25, and note the kitten scratches on one toe. The last pedicure I’d had was back in Saginaw and things were rough in the foot department. “Do you…like this color?” asked the pedicure guy when he was through, and I was all, “HELL, yeah,” because it’s very 1960s gramma at the country club with her maxi dress made from chiffon.

That night, I met Jo and Kit over at the arcade, and here’s Jo not knowing I was there yet, with her book. I had leftover coins from the LAST time I was at the arcade, coins that have been annoying my wallet for a year. Like, let’s say I need a quarter for the payphone

hahahahaha

or something, and I fish in my wallet and inevitably a damn arcade coin comes out. It’s annoying. When that coin hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s annoying.

Kit, who is the nicest human on earth, brought me a belated birthday present. At my actual birthday get-together, I told everyone no gifts and they actually didn’t bring gifts.

Hmph.

The good thing about being friends with a vintage store owner is you get cool vintage gifts. She resides in my bathroom now and doesn’t look at me doing unmentionables because her eyes be closed.

On Sunday I played fetch with Edsel three different times, and today he couldn’t stretch with me. When we first get up in the morning, as opposed to when we first get up at 5 p.m., we stretch together. But today he tried but his hips didn’t wanna let him go down that far. Poor Eds.

Anyway. I had my trainer at 10. “Please don’t cash this check till Tuesday,” I told her, and guess who is annoying.

Afterward, since my pal from work, Lottie Blanco, got two puppies this weekend, with my TJ Maxx gift card, I got a few gifts for them: Some puppy-sized colorful tennis balls, some treats, you know the drill.

Then I screamed on over to the Rite Aid, because August 1 is my stepfather’s birthday and I hadn’t yet gotten a card for him.

“When someone gets a card from me, they have no idea the herculean effort it is,” I told my mother. “First, there’s me actually remembering it’s your birthday. Anyone’s whose birthday is at the beginning of a month is especially screwed because the calendar isn’t open to that month yet. Then I have to remember to go to the store to get a card. THEN I have to get your address. THENNNN I have to have a stamp. And finally I have to remember to mail it. No one appreciates how much of a struggle that is for me, to do all that.”

She seemed unimpressed. Awhile back, I came to the conclusion that the reason I may tend toward the dramatic is because most of my statements to my family are met with vague dismissal. The only way I could actually get my point heard is to

WAY OVERDO

what I was saying. Kind of like what I just did there.

But as I was in the Rite Aid parking lot putting stamps I actually own on the envelope, I formed the thought, “I wish I knew where the nearest post office was.” I was sort of in my old neighborhood, where most people have dental insurance. But the post office I used to go to was like 4 The Poet’s house away from where I was right then.

When I looked up, “U.S. Post Office” was the first thing I saw! There’s a little post office in a strip mall right across from the Rite Aid where I was. It’s where I picked up the certified letter those people sent me to when they paid for their dogs eating Iris, if you recall from your Big Book of June Events.

So that was lucky. Of course, I mailed it on a Sunday and it’s already July 29 so his card STILL probably won’t get there on time.

Dear Stepfather Harry: I tried.

I have to go. I have to get ready for work and, you know, work. You know how it is. In the meantime, I will see you all on social media, where the new thing is that people seem to think there are spaces before punctuation.

Love ,

June

77 thoughts on “You can’t hide your lion eyes

  1. Love the photo of Edsel and Mil. I really enjoy cat and dog love fest relationships. One of our cats adores our dog. She shows her love by nibbling on her.

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  2. I know I am a day behind…but I love that polish. And, 4,000 posts? Holy Cow! That’s awesome!
    That photo is precious, by the way.

    Lovely post, lovely June !

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  3. So now I have “That;s Amore” running circles around my brain. Was it from some Maurice Chevalier movie or The Lady and the Tramp, the spaghetti scene, I wonder. But not enough to google effing it.
    Your weekend sounds wonderful. Good friends, good dog, good clean carpet. Who could ask for anything more?
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  4. Late to the party but have wont to post. I did look that up. I may be using it correctly. Anyway, in which my college professor drilled into my brain was never anyways, I decided this year to achieve success at the card sending activity. I went to Hallmark and bought cards for every event for the first 6 months. Then I proceeded to pack and move. Yes, dammit, during those 4 weeks those cards were packed. Dammit!

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  5. I have been around cats who would make Edsel’s nose a pincushion where he has it. It is a very sweet picture.
    A lion cub, now that would be beyond perfect for you…show that dog stroller why dogs need a leash. Crap on the jaws and teeth. A lion cub has claws that can rip you to shreds. Not to mention the contract you would have to have with Stanley Steamer.
    Living in the woods almost forgoes any thought of flower beds, except impatiens. I do love a good marigold, all beauty, no fuss.

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  6. “…that’s annoying.” Hahahahha!!

    Need puppy pics! Thank you in advance!

    My sympathy to Eds. I too have an old dog. It’s really hard–for him and for me.

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  7. Sounds like a great weekend. Poor Edz, I finally bought a box of cards to avoid all the running all over younger to round up a card and I buy stamps by the roll of 100.
    Tee

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  8. I am the worst at sending cards or gifts, and I never ever do, even on special occasions. My sisters, on the other hand, will send a card to celebrate National Avocado Toast Day. I think it’s in the DNA, and that receptor isn’t working in me.

    Let me know if you want some 10 cent stamps and don’t mind filling up the envelop with them. I have loads.

    Love your earrings in the photo with the girls.

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  9. Dear June, I recently returned from a vacation in Europe. While there I learned an interesting fact. In the Netherlands, weedkiller is prohibited. However, the people there are expected to keep their yards and gardens weed free. They go to hardware stores and purchase blow torches to kill the weeds. Seriously. An American military wife stationed there said she couldn’t believe it at first. But when they went to to store there was an assortment of blow torches from which to choose for weed control.

    Good luck and may the blow torch be with you!

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  10. I can see you as a secret keeper of exotic animals like a baby lion. It fits. If you go thst roure, don’t let them eat you. We would all be lost.

    Weeds are the worst and I am guessing it is one of the reasons my neighbors dislike us. They have dental insurance combined with judginess. One of them cowardly (a million years ago) complained to the neighborhood committee that we left too many toys out. I was like ‘WHAT?!’ There were 2 toy trucks under the spicket at the side of the house-hardly visible, and a scooter on the sidewalk. After we got the ‘letter’ my too-young -for-school kids helped me empty the garage and spread all of our shit on the lawn. They thought it was great fun. I considered posting a sign on the lawn ‘if you think this is bad, come inside.’

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  11. I forgot to mention that you’re doing great on the cards if you’re actually mailing them. My dad’s birthday gift is still sitting in my living room. His birthday was in May. I apologized a couple of weeks ago for not sending it. He said it just confirms I take after him. He’s right.

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  12. The weeds sound similar to what grows in my flower beds. I think ours is prostrate spurge. We had to google weeds for our area to figure out how to get rid of them. Our yard had been overtaken by weeds. We tried to get an estimate from one of those yard fertilizing places and they left a note suggesting we dig it all up and replant. No estimate, just that discouraging note. Gee, thanks. We worked on the front yard some this year and next year we have to work on the back yard. It belongs to the dogs, so it’s extra fun with holes covered over by grass and weeds. God bless the guy who cuts our grass/weeds. He doesn’t do flowerbeds, so those still look pitiful. I love the idea of gardening, but my follow through isn’t so great.

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  13. That seems to be the EXACT color that I have my toenails painted. It is Revlon 860 Metallic and I love it. I think it is what looks the best against my fair (pale) white skin. All other colors made me look like a corpse. and I think it looks fantastic on your feet as well.

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  14. I must be part of the old lady gang because I love your pedicure color. The 1970s are my jam.

    I have no advice about weeds, although someone mentioned pouring boiling water on them and that sounds fun.

    I’ve all but given up on mailing birthday cards. I never could get them there on time and then I always wondered if the people were offended. So now I shoot ’em a text. I know, awful.

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  15. Your weeds might be from a neighboring mimosa tree. We are over run by them this year. I would like to see the Lion King but I will wait until I can watch it at home. I don’t want to embarrass myself in public when I cry.

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  16. Over 4000 posts? That is amazing. This was a multiple laugh post for me too so thank you for that. We are plagued by bindweed where I live. It doesn’t seem to matter if you pull it or use weed killer on it. It just comes back and comes back and comes back. So glad my house is up for sale. I need to escape that stupid weed.

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  17. Almost forgot to mention that I’ve started SadieDog on daily Cosequin (a joint health supplement) and fish oil at the recommendation of her vet after we noticed her climbing the stairs more slowly. She’s been on them for a month and we’ve already noticed a difference.

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  18. My mother’s neighbor uses a solution of 1/2 water and 1/2 bleach in a spray bottle to kill weeds in his yard. I’m tempted to try it on poison ivy when I find it in our yard. I can definitely identify it and am anal about keeping SadieDog out of it on our walks when we pass by the wooded area where it grows abundantly and spreads like crazy here in the South. I especially hate it when it grows up the tree trunks.

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        • A full gallon of vinegar, a cup of salt and 2 tablespoons of dishwashing soap. (The soap just helps it stick so it really doesn’t matter what kind you use. I use Dawn because I buy it by the gallon. ) Pick a dry, sunny day and have fun spraying. I spray the leaves and everything, but mostly I make sure to soak the roots.

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    • I do. He’d leap off it to kill the many many many off-leash dogs in this hood. There’s one 19-year-old whippersnapper who regularly just lets her giant pit bull stroll in front of her. I want to run outside and scream, YOU ARE WHY I CAN’T WALK MY DOG, YOU STUPID LITTLE SNIT.

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  19. So last year my friend retired and loves to garden and she was all hey I would love to do your garden – I of course said hmmm let me think about it – ha I jumped on that offer so hard it was slightly impolite – the garden looked like a magazine I was in awe of my own garden – this year she moved so yeah my garden returned to its natural state of hey is that a flower amongst the weeds – so thinking I should hire a gardener because as it turns out I love the look but not the work – oh says my house I could have told you that – Love the picture of edsel and milhaus (why I made him German I have no idea)

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  20. We have a brick patio and I’ve been lazy about trying to keep the weeds off the patio and out of my flowerbeds. I’m having a stressful summer at work. So I got myself some weed killer and sometimes when I’m really annoyed I go out and kill weeds. Normally I don’t like weed killer (this one is not Roundup) but I gave up this summer.

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  21. When and if you get a chance please post picture of said creeping weed. We will help identify it.
    I bought a cool weeder thing at Cracker Barrel a few years back. It is called Grandpa’s Weeder. Basically it’s a two prong thing on the end of a pole with a little stepper. You put the prong thing on the weed, step down on the stepper and pull back. The weed pops out, roots and all. I’ll try to find a picture because my description is lacking.

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  22. Lovely photos today, June. But where are the pictures of the puppies ?? (See what I did there?)

    Also too, I don’t know what it is about the Lion King, but just watching the trailer almost brings me to tears.

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  23. The flowerbed philosophy paragraph is wonderful. And lovely pedicure!

    It’s been raining here and I’m so happy! My back garden has turned into a jungle but I have a legit reason to avoid cutting grass and get to kick back with a book.

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  24. If the weed is purslane, you can put it in your salad. It tends to hug the ground although I wouldn’t say it looks like a fern.
    I’m the same way with cards. Same exact process. It’s exhausting.

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  25. I adore your toenail color! Very chic.
    I have a thing for those lady vases. I passed one up a couple of years ago and I am kicking myself. I recall admiring them in the window of the local florist which was on the way to my grade school. One day I will buy one.
    I would be all about the baby lion too. I was just watching Live with Kelly and Ryan. It’s an animal visit day. They had Asian small clawed otters on their laps. I literally squealed with joy and did a happy dance around my living room. Sometimes it is very good to be alone. I do love me some otters!
    Lovely post, pretty Joon. In pimpled solidarity. My face looked like a seventh grader’s all weekend.

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      • HA! Racy snear included. Maybe a dip in the lady pond is not such a bad idea. I’ve always wandered about it…well since my late teens anyway.

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  26. Have a lady head planter that was my grandmother’s which I adore. She’s got a green outfit and hat with one hand pointed daintily towards her chin, and lovely red fingernails. So, I use her at Christmas and put sparkly red and gold decorations in her hat. Love Edsel and Milhous together.

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  27. I have this app called Seek that takes a picture of the weed or plant and it will tell you what it is. I can never identify poison ivy and am allergic so it is helpful.

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  28. Flowerbeds piss me off. I get all enthusiastic about planting them about once a year. And I want them to stay looking beautiful without me having to work on it!

    I once tried the idea of buying a bunch of birthday cards all at once. Addressed them, stamped them, and wrote the day I should mail them really tiny above the stamp.

    Then I mailed them all at once. So that didn’t work.

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  29. I too have noticed the spaces before the punctuation trend. One of my coworkers does it all the time and it is quite annoying. “Have a good Friday !”, I received from her last week. Ugh.

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  30. I am plagued by smartweed. They are aptly named. Your weeds don’t sound like smartweed though. Maybe a photo would help identify them.

    Are you open to suggestions about what to do with your flowerbed?

    Poor Eds. Middle age is ruff.

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  31. Lovely post, pretty Joob! Reading your not-blog makes my workdays bearable.Can’t wait to see the new baby lion!

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  32. A weekend like that would wear me out. Then again, I am very happy in my own little world. Sorry about Edz and feel his pain. My hips don’t lie, either. I love to send a birthday card but have to make it easy on myself. When I have to go buy a card I go ahead and buy cards for anyone I can think of that has a birthday in the next six months (not advice as I don’t want a liver slap; just sharing my strategy because I hate screaming to the store for just one thing). Also, too, I am lazy and order stamps online. They have the cutest ones that say “celebrate” that make the envelope festive. I love them. Yes, I’m weird. It’s the little things.

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  33. “I know I’m supposed to leave there thinking about how everything on earth touches everything else, like my college roommate…” Giggling at my desk. I also LOVE your polish color! Great post!!

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  34. The birthday card will absolutely get there in time and you do not want to be on the other side of the spectrum vis-a-vis mailing cards on time. You think your way is stressful? Pffft. Imagine nagging your own self.

    Do not speak to me about weeds. I can’t not even put into words how much I hate them. I don’t know if it’s because I am a city kid at heart and knew nothing of weeds, or if it’s because now I feel like the weeds are always winning. We can put a man on the moon (and really, why not put all of them there?) but we can’t manage weed control? Clearly I am doing something wrong. Suggestions welcome.

    My vacation is next week so you can just imagine the hell I am in this week fretting over every last little thing. Plus my coworker is out until Thursday so I get to do her job for three days, but hey, at least someone is doing it now.

    Should I mention “A Star is Born” again? Heeeeee. Excellent performances all around, and that’s all I’ll say about that. I can feel your ire from here.

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    • Why stop at the moon? I mean really, isn’t that still a little too close. They will just shout down to earth; honey, where are my socks? What’s for dinner?

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    • “Why not put all of them there?” Spit take. I just had to mop diet coke up off my keyboard. 🙂 Thank you!

      Also, the picture of Edz and Mil is adorable.

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  35. The references to your old neighborhood and dental insurance continue to amuse me, as you do.

    Do you ever see those $99 Stanley Steemer promotions? It’s a bunch of bunk. I had them last year and $243 later….

    Favorite modern line in the Lion King for me was when Pumba broke open that log and Simba was eating bugs for the first time. When Pumba said “These are local. They’re from right here” I guffawed. I love how Disney does some modern references in a move that had different modern references when it came out in 1993 or 1994, can’t remember which.

    Also, I am officially freaked by the meanness of hyenas. That movie sealed it.

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  36. I poor boiling water on my weeds. Works really well. Some weeds might need a second treatment but it does work.

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  37. Oh, the picture of Edz and Millhouse is so adorable. They are best buddies. Sorry Edz isn’t as limber as a young pup. Some days are just harder than others. Just like with our own bodies. My grandma had a couple of those vintage ladies with closed eyes. As a kid i always thought they were kinda cool, sophisticated even. Today i think they’re charming and sweet. They harken (and whoever uses THAT word anymore? Geez, I’m old.) back to a simpler time. Glad she found a new home where she’ll be appreciated.

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  38. My poor flowerbeds. The front one has a rock garden in it. Plants and I do not get along. I do have one plant on the side of the house that somehow lives without any tending at all from me. Maybe I should get more of those. I used to be so good at birthdays but ever since I had breast cancer and am taking meds that cause brain fog well that all went downhill. So there you go such an uplifting comment 🙂

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  39. Lovely post, Coot.
    Love the manicure. I had mine painted a lovely shimmering silver. A little girl looked down and saw my toes and squealed. MOMMA, look that old lady has silver toenails! I wasn’t sure whether to be offended or feel cool.
    I am always amazed by the sheer number of activities you get up to. I say that from my stationary position on my couch. People will say: hey Gladys, get up go do something. Yet, there I sit, book in hand, perfectly content.

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        • And apparently, it’s my 44,066th post. That can’t be right. But if you multiply 365 days a year by almost 13 years, and subtract days I didn’t post, I’ve still written at last 4,000 of them.

          I had someone be *incredulous* the other day that I couldn’t remember something I posted awhile back. Four thousand posts, motherfucker.

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  40. OK. I was going along fine until you mentioned the SPACES before PUNCTUATION. I have not seen this in real life so I will take your word for it and then ask WHHHHYYYYYYY???

    Happy Birthday to Stepford Dad Harry! August 1 seems like such a good day to have a birthday. Like there’s no other holidays just past or looming on the calendar so you can expect a bit of hoopla. (Do all just-before-Christmas birthday people think this way, or is it just me?)

    Lovely post lovely June!

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